


Nox

by penceyprat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Bisexual Remus Lupin, F/F, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Gender Issues, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Sexuality, mostly canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-05-10 16:36:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 174,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5593324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penceyprat/pseuds/penceyprat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Marauders are starting their fifth year at Hogwarts; Remus is starting with a massive scar across his face - a byproduct of the increasing severity of his furry little problem, which is a definite cause for concern despite his insistence that it it's fine.</p>
<p>Sirius is starting with the memories of a certain morning at 12 Grimmauld Place in August: memories that he might not ever forget, yet is desperate to cloak underneath the facade that every is fine at home and that he and his parents just sometimes encounter minor disagreements.</p>
<p>James is starting his fifth year, yes, but more importantly, he is starting phase five of his plan to woo Lily Evans: somehow his friends seem doubtful that he might succeed, but James, being James, is in no lack of confidence.</p>
<p>And Peter, well, Peter is starting to wonder just why he puts up with these people, and if he should really be feeling sorry for Lily Evans, and maybe if he should have asked to have been sorted into Hufflepuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ohmygod i am so in love with this fic already

_ 'Write back to me if things get worse, won't you?' _

And that was the thing: things had gotten worse, but Remus Lupin had a made a conscious and definite decision not to write back.

He'd made the mistake of worrying her; he hadn't done so intentionally, and that was what was so terrible about it all - he hadn't considered the effects of a panicked letter: a letter that was the result of a lack of thinking and a mind muddled with thoughts and a definite lack of control, and those were just the characteristics that someone like him simply could not afford to exhibit.

And yet, to put it crudely, to put it as it was - he'd fucked up, and she was too much of a good person to remain persistent in her plights not to judge him or think different of him, because she would argue that it wasn't his fault, and perhaps yes, what he'd become wasn't his fault, but what he did as a result of it: the people he'd hurt - that was very much his fault.

Lily Evans was just too kind hearted, too concerned, and she'd remained persistent in her care for Remus since they'd been partnered together in Potions in first year - it was a subject that Remus struggled to grasp, often finding himself overwhelmed simply by being in the classroom due to the array of ingredients and aromas that affected his heightened senses. He'd gotten a little more accustomed to it by now, as he was starting his fifth year, but still, Lily had helped aged eleven at the start of first year, aged twelve at the end of first year when she'd figured out that he was indeed a werewolf, and Lily would continue to help him age fifteen as his 'affliction' continued to plague him.

And there was nothing wrong with that - nothing wrong with kindness and concern for others, in fact, they were qualities that Remus valued greatly, it was just the concern and desire to help in certain matters - matters that took from of great inky black lakes that Remus found himself drowning in, and suffocating by the mere presence of; these were the kinds of problems he couldn't drag kind, unaffected people like Lily Evans into, because they simply didn't deserve it.

It had been foolish for Remus to write to her in panic in worry and detail how his last transformation had been the worst one: how the wolf was growing more dangerous, encompassing every quality he loathed in the world, and indeed loathed in himself, because he was not a part of the wolf, but the wolf was a part of him.

The wolf didn't carry the marks and burdens of the boy upon the full moon; the wolf abided by no boundaries, and the wolf was unavoidable, stronger than him, and truly terrifying. Yet, Remus carried the marks and burdens of the wolf everyday, and even more now, as things had worsened, because they had been worsening for quite a while now, but here was the proof: here it lay unavoidable in the form of a deep red scar right across his face.

And looking at his reflection in the mirror, it was hard to picture the four year old boy who had once lived without this; who had lived in innocence and peace with skin unobstructed and unscathed by slashes of red and the white bumps and scars that served to ensure that he'd never forget them and the nights that had caused them: locked away, with no control and no choice but to do this to himself, because it was better him than someone else - someone innocent, some undeserving of all of this.

He was used to scars by now at fifteen years of age; his body carried eleven years of scars, yet none were quite as worrisome or had ever held so much weight and power in them as the most recent addition: a dark, prominent, rich red, slowly ebbing away into a brown - thick, deep, and inflicted with power, with purpose, and indeed stretching from just below the outer corner of his left eye, across his cheek and the bridge of his nose, and finishing where the right side of his jaw began.

The scar was unavoidable: it was the most obvious thing upon his face, because after one night he was no longer Remus Lupin, but the boy with that massive red scar, and he couldn't help but look at it and find purpose and malice in the wound, as if it worked to dehumanise him: to take away more of his humanity as the wolf strived to claim him completely, and he wondered and he worried, because the scar would hardly heal at all before school started and he feared people's reactions upon seeing it at first, and he feared Lily and how she might insist that she helped him after seeing the  _ thing _ with her own eyes, and he feared his friends and their worries.

His friends. His fucking friends - the most important people in the world to Remus: Sirius, James, and Peter, who he'd shared a dormitory with since first year after they'd been sorted into Gryffindor together. And that first night, they'd stayed up discussing the school, the houses, the sorting hat, and Gryffindor, and indeed the bravery that was associated with it.

James had been confident since that very first night; James Potter had always been confident, and indeed arrogant upon occasion, but James Potter was brave and confident and daring with a smile perhaps ever present upon his lips; he was all wild, dark curly hair that he attempted to keep short but always seemed to grow too fast for its own good, and almond brown eyes hidden behind circular lensed glasses that at times appeared too big for his bronze toned face. James' whole family had been in Gryffindor and it was what had been expected of him, and indeed what he expected of himself; he, unlike the other three first years hadn't been at all surprised with the sorting hat's decision. He'd grown up with magic in a pureblood family: used to this all, used to spells and houses and quidditch, which was something he seemed to lack the ability to shut up about, and even more so since he'd become seeker for the Gryffindor team, playing alongside Sirius, who was a beater.

No one had been entirely sure as to why Peter had been sorted into Gryffindor, as within minutes of meeting the short, somewhat chubby, faired haired, bright eyed boy, it became increasing apparent that he was indeed lacking in the bravery and confidence department, of course, the whole world had been enlightened when he confessed that he had requested that the sorting hat place him there as he wanted to be in the same house as James, who he'd met on the train and immediately taken a liking too. That, of course, wasn't to say that Peter didn't hold good qualities, as he was certainly determined and forever in admiration of his friends, because age fifteen there was nothing to say that Peter Pettigrew was anything less of a Gryffindor than his friends.

Sirius had come from a pureblood family like James had, yet they did have family lives so wildly different that it never failed to amaze; the Potters were welcoming and jovial with laughter and insisting upon inviting everyone over for Christmas without need or reason to, whereas the Blacks were comprised of rules, regulations, expectations, boundaries, and the kind of traditions that the rest of the world left behind in the eighteenth century, they had also been all Slytherins. Besides Sirius, who'd been the first Gryffindor in the family, and the moment the hat had declared him as such, and had indeed done so in a remarkably fast space of time, the Great Hall had fallen silent, because everyone knew the Blacks as Slytherins, as dark wizards, as purebloods who didn't confer with muggleborns and half bloods, and indeed  _ werewolves _ . And upon that first night, Sirius had tried not to cry, because in that moment he'd felt anything  _ but _ brave, but as time progressed he'd grown certain of himself and oozed that kind of arrogant confidence that seemed to be etched deep into James, and indeed made a point of rebelling against everything his family wanted him to be: growing his dark, wavy hair long, past his shoulders, so that it fell into his eyes deep brown eyes frequently, and to combat this, he often had his hair thrown up into a bun with vague strands falling into his face. He was all leather jackets and stealing Remus' rock music collection, and pretending that he was so much cooler than he actually was, and for the most part people bought it, but Sirius had a lot of trouble at home, despite how much he might argue that he was fine.

Remus had been lanky, and looked a little bit like a stick figure with a mop of brown hair and robes that were entirely too baggy for him, and vague scars across his arms, which he'd put down to various accidents, saying that he was clumsy and hoping that people never thought much more of it, and when asked on that night in first year as to what made him so brave, Remus had told the three that he hadn't the slightest clue, but in the beginning of second year it had all become increasingly obvious. It had been Sirius who'd worked it out first, having heard so much from his father about werewolves, of course, exclusively in a negative light, but he knew that every full moon his father had rattled off to him mid rant had marked Remus 'going home to visit his sick mother' each month, and it had become very obvious with Remus' perhaps unnaturally pale skin, and the scars that they'd just gotten used to seeing now, and eyes that seemed to made of pure gold itself. Sirius hadn't been sure as to how he was supposed to approach the issue, so he shared his worries with James, which was perhaps not the best of ideas as twelve year old Remus Lupin had walked right into the dormitory right as James exclaimed from the top of his lungs: 'bloody hell, you're saying Remus is a werewolf? A real,  _ genuine _ , great stinking  _ werewolf _ ?'. From then on, it had been very clear, that with what Remus faced every month, that he easily the bravest out of the four.

But he didn't find himself brave at all when it came to coming back to Hogwarts for his fifth year with the scar and the worries about what more was to come, and just what people would  _ think _ , because it was particularly hard to masquerade as someone who didn't have this uncontrollable fearsome wolf hidden inside of them when you had that kind of scar across your face.

-

_ 'Write back to me if things get worse, won't you?' _

The response, this time wasn't from Lily, but from James, and the cause for concern stemmed from Sirius, not Remus.

Sirius' troubles were of a different ilk to Remus', but by no means less valid and indeed less concerning. Sirius' troubles were easier to hide and conceal as they left much less of a physical mark upon him, but perhaps that was simply working against him, because if it had been obvious, like great fucking scar across your face kind of obvious, then perhaps he would have managed to have gotten out of there years ago.

_ There _ , being home, because that was where his troubles lay. At least, he only had to spend time there over the summer, but in August itself, summer felt like it had gone over forever, and perhaps even stemmed for twice as long as the school year, which sometimes seemed to breeze by in comparison.

It hadn't always been like this; his parents had liked him once, had  _ adored _ him aged ten, because he wasn't yet to fuck everything up. He'd been doted and admired by each and every member of a large, noble pureblood family, which consisted of expectations and a gross amount of inbreeding, and a hell of a lot of ignorance and hatred towards the world outside the family, and indeed also the people in it.

It was all about appearances: about power, wealth, and appearances - trophy wives with black eyes under layers of foundation, and stormy eyed daughters who sought to see that they had the whole world burn down around them: people like his cousin, Bellatrix, who was perhaps the definition of unnerving. And then there were the proud sons, brought up with honour and jurisdiction - brought up as heirs, and coveted by the fathers who bore only daughters, because in the Black household, it was still the 1700s, and girls were secondary and most certainly could not be heirs.

And it had just happened that Sirius had been born first. It just  _ happened _ that Sirius was the eldest son of Orion and Walburga Black, and it just happened that it had all fallen upon  _ him _ ; he had been raised strictly and firmly for the first eleven years of his life: those eleven years had been eleven years of moulding this unknowing boy into the man who would continue the lineage, the man who would make Slytherin.

It was perhaps difficult to picture the reactions of two very explosive and stern people who'd spent eleven years preparing for something, only to have it taken away from them. In fact, this was something like the worst case scenario of their entire life, and only Sirius was to be blamed for it.

Because he was a Gryffindor, he wasn't  _ like _ them, and everything continued to be his fault as the family continued to fall into pieces.

James had always known that Sirius didn't have the best time at home, but he could hardly fathom the extent of it; he just assumed that Sirius' parents were a little disappointed in him, but James, living in the kind of household he did, couldn't possibly fathom how he was outcast and shamed.

And James had always said, whenever Sirius had complained about his parents, even if just in an offhanded vague manner, that he could come and live with him, and that the Potters would be delighted to have him, which was perhaps even an understatement because Mrs Potter seemed to be comprised entirely out of joy and love for others.

And indeed Sirius  _ did _ want to live with the Potters, but he just couldn't fathom  _ leaving _ , because there was some part of the words flung at him in the walls of 12 Grimmauld Place that rang true in Sirius' mind, because he could never escape what ran in his blood: dark wizardry, a natural gift with the dark arts, and the definite lack of light within him. He wasn't good, he wasn't  _ kind _ , he could never just leave and live happily, because what other place was fit for him, because he couldn't hide parts of himself forever.

And indeed, things  _ had _ gotten worse, in ways which he could never detail to James or anyone, as Peter and Remus were vaguely aware of his parents and his dislike for them, and the consequences of it all, but to a much lesser extent, well, that was what Sirius thought, but there were those times when Remus looked at him with a great kind of sadness in his eyes after he'd returned after Christmas, and remained snappy and irritated for the next few days.

In fact, perhaps things hadn't gotten worse, but Sirius had just realised how bad things had always been. He'd simply realised the extent of his father's state of mind, and how far he'd go for his own beliefs, because Sirius hadn't supposed to have seen - no one was supposed to have seen: it was early, perhaps five in the morning and Sirius had heard the kind of anger that was like a verbal earthquake in his father's voice.

It had been earlier that August, and Sirius hadn't been able to sleep, and found himself giving up entirely and instead sitting out on the balcony in the cool air, watching shades of pinks traverse the skies, fading into oranges and golds, as he contemplated what could become of the remaining days of summer, and tried not to flinch as he heard his father's voice raise from downstairs: a tone of anger evident immediately.

Eventually, Sirius had found himself so uncomfortable sat on the balcony, listening to his father's voice, that he made his way back inside, wondering if he should just go back upstairs and try to get some sleep, when he recognised the second voice to be that of his Uncle Alphard's, who was perhaps the most agreeable member of his family, who had even stuck up for him a few times prior.

And this had indeed left Sirius wondering as to what on earth his Uncle Alphard was doing in his father's study at five in the morning on a Sunday, and indeed as to what his father was yelling at him for, _this_ _time_.

Curiosity had happened to better Sirius yet again, and he made his way downstairs as silently as he could: his heart weighing heavy in his chest as he walked through the darkened hallway from the foot of the staircase to the door that led into his father's study, which lay slightly ajar, leaving a small slither of golden toned light to leak into the darkened hallway.

Sirius had stood a few meters away from the door, perfectly in earshot of the two, yet unable to quite picture the scene as the crack between the door and its frame was only big enough to let a fraction of light escape.

"...you can't be suggesting such a thing, Orion, I-" Sirius had only caught the second half of his uncle's sentence as he came into earshot, yet it only took him a second to determine that Alphard Black was stern and the topic of conversation was heated, yet his words shuddered slightly upon his tongue, and he was swallowing twice as much as way necessary.

"I am not  _ suggesting _ it, I am  _ insisting _ upon it, Alphard, it's the only way he'd see what's good for him." Orion Black had shot back: his words laced with a venomous kind of malice that seemed to cut into Sirius, even as he stood several meters away.

"Good for him? How can he possibly- he's  _ fifteen _ , Orion, he's your  _ fifteen _ year old son, and you-" Sirius' heart had stopped as he came to realise that it was  _ him _ ; it was him who they were discussing with such fury and discontent in one another, and it was in reflection, that Sirius knew that it was  _ him _ , who had caused the events that followed.

"I am very well aware as to how old he is - there is no need to stress it like that. I know what I'm doing perfectly, and quite frankly, Alphard, this does not concern you-" Orion's tone grew somewhat conceited, and present within his words was a disgust for his brother-in-law.

"As his uncle, and someone who actually seems to give somewhat of a damn about him, I find that, yes, this very much  _ does _ concern me!" Sirius remembered that he had found his heart lodging in his chest at his uncle's words.

"As his  _ father _ , it is my  _ decision _ -"

"Well, it's a foul decision-"

"Are you suggesting that I am ill fit in knowing what is best for my  _ own _ son?" Orion's words had hung in the morning air with a heavy kind of weight upon them; time had in fact seemed to have slowed down momentarily in passing of his foul tone.

"I'm not  _ suggesting _ it, I am  _ insisting _ it, Orion." Alphard mirrored Orion's words from a few minutes prior, and Sirius hadn't quite believed it, because  _ no one _ spoke to Orion Black like that. No one.

"Say that again, Alphard." Orion's tone was quieter this time, but just as powerful. "I'd like to ensure that we are exactly understanding one another, because I am struggling to believe that you would-"

"That I would  _ dare _ to contradict your ignorant, fouly concocted decision to ruin your son's life in order to save your own skin? Oh, I  _ dare _ , you're nothing but a coward: a cruel, unempathetic,  _ coward _ -"

"I'm a  _ coward _ , am I?" There had been a clattering sound, as his father lost any control he might have retained so far.

"I did say so-" There was another bang, and the wall seemed to vibrate slightly, and Sirius had found himself both regretful and incredibly thankful that he couldn't make out the scene inside the room.

"Tell me I'm a coward, I  _ dare _ you." There was a slight sneer to his father's voice, and Sirius had never been able to fathom what was to come.

"You're a coward, Orion, a big, fucking,  _ coward _ -" 

"Avada Kedavra." 

The light escaping the room glowed viper green at the roar in his father's words, followed by a final crash as his uncle's body fell to the floor.

Sirius hadn't sleep that night, or the next: finding himself staying awake with concern and wonder as to what they had actually been discussing, as what he'd caught had been vague, and fifteen year old Sirius Black could only wonder what had brought his father to perform the killing curse on Sirius' favourite uncle Alphard at five in the morning on a Sunday in August.

By the end of the month, Sirius found himself bitter with it, more than anything, because as he wasn't supposed to know, as he wasn't supposed to have heard, and as no one entered his father's study, Uncle Alphard's death remained secret, and for the two weeks that followed, his mother and his brother sat together and ate meals and conversed casually with the man who had committed murder just days prior.

His mother smiled and bided her time: utterly unaware that her brother's body lay in her husband's study - uncared for, and killed in hatred and anguish.

His father would just let the rumours deal with Alphard, who lived alone, who had informed no one of his early morning trip to 12 Grimmauld Place; he allowed people to assume, to cast him off as a runaway, as a coward, as missing, as dead, and all as they pleased.

Sirius was exceedingly thankful this year, to go back to Hogwarts, and to get away with the man who dared to call himself his father, whose study had glowed green early on a Sunday in August.

-

The September air was warm: buzzing with life, alluding of chance, of possibility, of greatness, and smelling pungently,  _ too _ pungently, because amidst one of his ventures into the muggle world, James Potter had discovered aftershave, and as with everything the fifteen year old boy did, it was in excess, to the point where people around him started feeling sick.

Unfortunately, there were a great deal of people surrounding him, it being quarter to eleven on September 1st, and he stood with the still unfortunately short Peter Pettigrew upon platform nine and three quarters with their parents, ready to board the Hogwarts Express.

James had discovered aftershave when staying with the Pettigrews one weekend - it had been Mr Pettigrew's, who was a muggle, (Mrs Pettigrew being the witch of the two) but now the can of aftershave had fallen into James Potter's possession, despite many protests from Peter, who was very much opposed to the idea of his best friend smelling like his father for an undefined amount of time, however, now, Peter had vaguely gotten used to it; he only worried for poor Lily Evans who had been subject to each and every one of James' pathetic attempts of seduction for the past four years, who now would most likely have to put up with the copious amounts of aftershave a little more than the rest of them.

Peter suggested that they got on the train as soon as possible in order to secure a good compartment, despite the fact that there was  _ always _ enough room for them to get a compartment to themselves, however James had insisted that they stayed on the platform and waited for Sirius, to which Peter had argued that they would see him on the train anyway, but James had muttered something about seeing that he got there alright which Peter hadn't quite caught the meaning of.

He had however shut up and let James have his way as he caught sight of Lily Evans further down the platform, and felt that if James remained preoccupied in whatever he was babbling on about, which may or may not have vaguely related to Sirius at one point or another, he would fail to notice the redhead, who had indeed noticed him and was tugging on the wrist of the greasy black haired Slytherin boy who stood with her in an attempt to get the two of them onto the train before James Potter noticed them.

The thing was, that Lily just wasn't interested in James Potter and his arrogance and dark curly hair and glasses and dirty jokes and immature pranks, and that she had made that rather explicitly clear when he'd first asked her out, about two weeks into first year.

Yet, the thing was, that a byproduct of James' arrogance ensured that he failed in getting the hint for the past four years. And Peter was left wondering who he should feel most sorry for: his pining, hopeless, lovesick, dickhead of a best friend, or the girl who simply wasn't interested and wanted to escape his attention at all costs.

Peter even wondered if the real reason she spent so much time with that Slytherin was because James absolutely could not  _ stand _ him, and in effect, Severus Snape worked as some form of greasy, portable James Potter repellent.

He'd heard that Severus and Lily had known each other since they were children, though, so Peter was unsure in the credibility of his theory; he was sure, however that Sirius would be very willing to discuss all aspects of James' failed love life with him. Not that Sirius had much of a love life either, not that  _ any _ of them, as far as Peter knew, had much of a love life anyway.

So really, it'd just be unfair if James actually had any success with Lily. Fortunately, Peter was pretty confident in not having to worry about that any time soon, or indeed any time  _ ever _ .

"I wish Lily would turn up soon..." James moped, grasping Peter's shoulder and causing him to jump a little, as he had to admit, he'd managed to successfully tune out the majority of James' babblings for the past five minutes or so. "I haven't seen her all summer, you know, and she's just so  _ beautiful _ . Do you think I should tell her that I think she's beautiful? Do you think I should? Oh god, do you think she's gotten hotter over the summer? I bet she has, hasn't she? Oh god, have  _ I _ gotten hotter over the summer? I don't want her to be out of my league!"

Peter wanted to mutter something about how he was certain that Lily had  _ always _ been out of James' league with her long red hair and piercing green eyes and the ability to know  _ everything _ yet never in a stuck up, snobbish way, but James had caught sight of Sirius breaking away from his family and making his way over to James across the platform.

Peter watched from a distance as James and Sirius bounded dramatically to one another and engaged in a theatrical, over the top, mocking hug - very fucking loudly, only to then pull his gaze over to the Black family: to the scowl in Sirius' father's eyes, and the way his mother seemed to only notice his brother, Regulus - a Slytherin, who was starting his third year today. Peter didn't know much about Sirius' family, other than that Sirius didn't like them, and then therefore, he didn't like them either.

He glanced around for any signs of Remus, but found that had not yet arrived, and instead watched as James and Sirius practically skipped back to Peter with those characteristic shit eating grins upon their faces.

"Are we getting on the train then, Petey?" Sirius asked as they approached him. Pete noticed how his hair hand grown even longer over the summer: now stretching past his shoulders, and he imagined that it wouldn't be long before it was longer than Lily's, who was somewhat renowned for her long, flowing, vibrant auburn hair.

"You know what, Sirius, I think we  _ are _ !" James exclaimed: his tone over exaggerated as it often was, and answering for Peter, as he often did - Peter didn't tend to mind, as yes, they would be getting on the train. He did, however, find it odd that James had insisted upon waiting for Sirius but not for Remus - he knew it wasn't out of any dislike towards Remus, because if there was some sort of argument involving Remus Lupin  _ everyone _ would know, and he did know that James and Sirius were very close, to the extent that if James wasn't so infatuated with Lily that he might have questioned it a little, but still, it struck Peter as odd.

The three found a compartment: James instantly claiming a window seat, and Sirius rolling his eyes at him before claiming the other and sprawling out across one side of the compartment, leaving Peter to sit beside James and endure his aftershave for the entirety of the train ride in full force.

Sirius was also yet to comment upon James' foul choice in aftershave, leaving Peter with concern that he might actually agree with his choice and Peter might end up with two of his best friends smelling like his dad.

The compartment door opened just a minute and a half after they had sat down, revealing a once tall, but now somehow even  _ taller _ Remus Lupin, standing now over six feet tall at age fifteen, and standing with an unmissable red scar across his face that sent Peter's stomach plummeting, because he knew instantly what had caused it.

" _ Shit _ , Moony," Moony was a nickname Sirius had forced upon Remus not much after they'd discovered that he was a werewolf in their second year, and evidently was still using in their fifth year, as Sirius sat up a little to really take in the scar upon the taller boy's face, because oh  _ fuck _ , it was nasty. He suddenly came to realised the unfinished nature of his sentence, "you... you got  _ tall _ ." He stumbled over his words, not even sure what he'd said and what impacts that had invoked until Remus Lupin was  _ beaming _ at him.

"I did." Remus added, unable to suppress his smile, because the whole summer his every thought had been clouded with this moment and just how they'd all react to his scar at first, but no,  _ he gotten taller _ , and amidst this all, Remus hadn't really noticed, but he had and it was fucking brilliant, because suddenly there was something else to say for him other than that ugly scar.

"Wait, Pete, stand up a minute," James' face soon relaxed into a smile, following Sirius in choosing not to mention the scar upon Remus' face, "I think we need to do a height comparison, don't we?"

Peter groaned but let James push him to his feet and towards an uncomfortably tall Remus Lupin. Peter's head finished below Remus' shoulders.

"Oh my  _ god _ ," Sirius practically  _ screeched _ , "so when was the last time you grew again, Pete, age eight, wasn't it?"

"Shut up," Peter grumbled, running away from the dangerously tall person and back to James, who offered him no sympathies. James was tall, but averagely tall, around six foot tall, although secretly he was just under at five eleven, but James would never admit that to anyone.

"You're not that tall yourself, either, are you, Sirius?" James leaned back with a painfully smug expression upon his face, "what was it, again? Five eight?"

"Five feet and  _ nine _ inches thank you very much." Sirius rolled his eyes, pulling his knees up to his chest defensively, "and  _ no _ , I'm not getting up-" He was caught off guard as Remus reached for his arm and pulled him up to stand beside him.

Sirius found his breath catching in his throat, because oh  _ shit _ , Remus had been taller than him before,  _ yes _ , but this was a whole new kind of tall - this was tall with broad shoulders and oh  _ fuck _ , this wasn't fair at all, and James was fucking  _ laughing _ his ass off - what a fucking dick, and Sirius could only stand there, as Remus continued to grasp his arm, looking up at him, and, inevitably, that scar.

That scar that lay nastily, and  _ painfully _ across Remus' pale face; Sirius knew exactly what had caused it, and it made his heart fucking sink, because lovely, unfairly tall, beautiful, sarcastic, witty Remus Lupin didn't deserve this at all.

But there was nothing Sirius could do about it, yet he  _ so _ wished there was, because it wasn't fucking fair, and how many scars like that was it going to take until he ended up  _ seriously _ hurting himself?

Sirius was pulled away from his sickening thoughts by the sound of James' voice, "I think he's a good six three, six four, maybe?"

Remus only shrugged, "I guess,” before adding, “ _ god _ , James you absolutely stink!” To which the compartment erupted into laughter. “It’s appalling.”

Sirius finally managed to pull himself away from Remus and turned to sit back down by the window with his back against it, watching as Remus too sat down: his back against the opposite end of the compartment, and his long legs reaching out and meeting Sirius' knees, leaving the shorter boy with an odd kind of knot in his stomach that he couldn't quite explain.

“Yeah, well that’s only because you have your heightened sense of smell, isn’t it?” James blushed, desperate to retain his pride. “And Lily Evans doesn’t have a heightened sense of smell, so I have nothing to worry about, and just you  _ watch _ as she falls head over heels in love with me.” 

In response to that, Peter snorted, and Sirius did the world’s worst job of covering his laughter with a cough.

“James, I think Lily Evans is going to need a heightened sense of idiocy if she’s ever going to fall for you.” Remus grinned a little, watching as James rolled his eyes, turning away: defeated, and at that grin, Sirius found himself suddenly reacquainted with that unearthly kind of knot in his stomach.

The thing about this knot in his stomach was though, whether good or bad, it left him with something else to think about than what had happened in his father's study that morning in August for the first time in weeks.

-


	2. Remus Lupin - Hogwarts' Worst Prefect

Thankfully for the other three members of James Potter's compartment on the Hogwarts Express, he had indeed ran out of conversation topics at some point in the journey and resorted to playing Exploding Snap with Peter, offering Sirius to join, but the long haired boy had shaken his head, finding himself with rather a lot on his mind, of which an unfortunate amount related to the curly haired boy that slept at the other end of the compartment.

Remus had fallen asleep at about an hour into the journey, and had remained so ever since; Sirius, who had found himself frequenting glances at the boy, and indeed the scar upon his face (suppressing a wince each time), had been the first to notice but found no need to bring it up, and somehow Remus had managed to continue his sleep whilst James continued to babble on about Lily Evans and her many wonderful qualities - a matter which Sirius found himself at an Outstanding level in, courtesy of James, of course.

James had noticed that Remus had fallen asleep at about the three hour mark and spent a good five minutes glancing between Remus and Sirius and then Peter, and then back at Sirius because Remus was asleep and Peter seemed to be very invested in his sandwich.

"He's asleep." James had finally been able to vocalise the obvious: his eyes widening as they met Sirius' across the compartment.

"Mhmm..." Sirius had nodded, glancing across at Remus, just in case he'd miraculously vanished in the space of three minutes, of course.

"How asleep?" James had continued to ask: his tone somewhat hushed, which Sirius found very amusing considering he'd been practically yelling about Lily for the past hour; Sirius wouldn't have even been that surprised if Lily had heard him from whether she'd been situated on the train, probably with Snape. Severus fucking greasy haired Snape definitely was in the top ten shortlist for Sirius Black's least favourite people, and he would have indeed made the top five with ease if Sirius didn't find himself cursed with having such a large and largely awful family.

"Asleep asleep. What other kind of asleep is there?" Peter had looked up from his sandwich to add: having caught somewhat of their conversation after all. "Leave him. If you woke me up when I was asleep I'd bite your hand off."

"I'd like to see that." Sirius had added with a grin; the mental image working to amuse him greatly.

Peter had narrowed his eyes across the compartment at Sirius, "this applies to you, as well."

Sirius held up his hands in defense, having not expected such an outburst from a small boy eating a cheese sandwich, but Peter Pettigrew was indeed full of surprises, such as that time last year when he'd stolen some polyjuice potion from Professor Slughorn's store cupboard and combined it with one of Lily Evan's long auburn hairs... and well... that had been  _ quite _ the day for James.

"I'm not planning on it, Pete," Sirius had insisted, before finding himself thinking back to Remus, and indeed unable to resist a glance in his direction again:  _ feeling _ that scar himself each time he laid eyes upon it. "And we should let him sleep," he narrowed his eyes at James across the compartment.

"I'm not suggesting waking him up!" James had exclaimed, as if it was blindingly obvious; his eyes darting between Sirius and Remus, before shuffling in his seat so one leg was pulled up to his chest, "I'm just..." His words had fizzled off into the air.

Sirius had arched an eyebrow at him from across the compartment, "you're just?"

"Just what?" Pete had put his sandwich down completely at this point, so it was officially declared an important matter - this was a method of declaration that Sirius had conceived in third year, noticing how the end of Peter's eating seemed to often foreshadow an important conversation or event; perhaps Peter should have taken Divination, as Sirius wondered if he might actually have a knack for it, as much of a load of bullshit Sirius thought it to be, but of course, Peter had taken exactly what James was taking, and Sirius had taken the only a few subjects, but of which Care of Magical Creatures was one, because he could definitely see that petting a Hippogriff, although a little dangerous, was a much preferable way to spend an hour than  _ Arithmancy -  _ which was something Remus had chosen, because Remus was perhaps one of the only few people taking the class that actually had a vague clue what was going on. This was because Remus was 'a bright and intuitive student', and also because he was sat next to Lily Evans.

"Worried..." James had opted for after a moment: gesturing vaguely with his hands as if to summon the words from the thin air.

"Worried?" Sirius repeated: his tone somewhat questioning.

" _ Yes _ !" James had exclaimed, his eyes seeming to burn with copper tones as he spoke, "course, I'm worried, Sirius, he's got-" He cut himself off, his eyes having met Remus' sleeping form. He lowered his voice significantly, "he's got that great gaping scar across his face and you're telling me you're not worried."

"No, I never said that." Sirius had sat up a little: his tone much quieter than James', "of course I'm worried, but would you like us to talk about you and something you're probably really insecure about whilst you're sleeping?" Peter nodded and let out a grunt of agreement. "He'll talk to us about it eventually," Sirius assured James, watching as his eyes softened to a cooler shade of brown, "and anyway, it's not like we don't know the most of it - what caused it, and all of that..." 

James bit his lip, "it's... it's  _ horrible _ , though, isn't it?" He'd found himself focused upon the scar again. "Right across his face, and none of them have been as bad as that have they? Don't you just-"

" _ He'll talk to us about it eventually _ ." Sirius narrowed his eyes, having found himself moments away from snapping. "Just ask him about when he wakes up, just... talking about him when he's asleep, come on, James, you know he's spent forever worrying about how people are going to react to that, and people  _ are _ going to react and we're supposed to be defending him not doing it ourselves."

James had nodded, waited a few minutes in silence before pointing out a tree outside the window and making a comment about how it was the same colour as Lily's eyes, to which, Peter had made retching noises, and Sirius had closed his eyes, wishing he could fall asleep too.

-

It seemed that the world was working in the favour of everyone who wanted to retain their sense of smell on a permanent basis, as the smell of James', well  _ Peter's dad's _ , aftershave had largely worn off by the time they Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade Station at around six that evening.

Sirius found himself lumped with the task of waking Remus Lupin up, which everyone knew to be a bad idea after four years of sharing a dormitory, well, they'd known it after four days when Peter had accidentally fallen over,  _ onto _ Remus' bed on his way back from the bathroom at four in the morning; there had been a lot of yelling and a  _ lot  _ of swearing, especially considering that they had been eleven at the time.

Sirius let out a sigh as he watched James get their luggage down from the rack, while teasing Peter for being too short, of course, before reaching for Remus' arm and wrapping his hand around it, "hey Remus," he began somewhat gently: his tone tentatively and his grip on his arm feeble, but Remus had indeed proved to be a heavy sleeper over the years, leaving him with no choice but to raise his voice, " _ Remus _ , you've got to wake up," He tightened his grip on his arm, " _ Moony _ , good evening,  _ moony _ -"

He found himself with a slap in his vague direction as Remus started: waking up all at once, "fuck, Sirius, I- I was asleep-" He stumbled over his words, blinking rapidly in the evening light.

"For several hours, mhmm," Sirius told him with a smile upon his lips, "you missed the description of stage five of the the plan to woo Lily Evans, 'unfortunately' - lucky bastard," he added the last part in a particularly hushed voice, "also Peter ate about seven sandwiches and James won a game of Exploding Snap."

"And you?" Remus asked, sitting up and reaching to wipe the sleep from his eyes, but finding his fingers trailing over the top of his scar instead, and letting out a muffled wince in response; Sirius, had,  _ of course _ , noticed.

"Well, I..." He tucked his hair behind his ears as he tried to focus on anything but that scar of Remus', "I sat in the corner trying to sleep. Exciting, I know!-"

"I bet you had that pouty look on your face," Remus' face lit up instantly, getting to his feet, leaving to Sirius to remember just how fucking  _ tall _ this guy had gotten out of nowhere.

"What pouty look?" He managed to stumble out after an awkwardly prolonged silence. "I'm not pouty!" He insisted, coming to realise just what a terrible offense Remus was implying.

Remus only rolled his eyes and laughed: running a hand back through his golden brown hair as he turned to James and Peter. Sirius' stomach did a backflip. "Hey, James, did Sirius have that pouty look on his face?"

James looked up: frozen for a moment before he'd sifted through enough shit about Lily in his head to recall just what Remus was referring to. "Oh,  _ yeah _ ," His face lit up with a wicked kind of grin, " _ yeah _ ," he began nodding furiously: glancing between Remus and Sirius eagerly, "yeah, he  _ did." _

_ " _ What pouty look?" Sirius asked for the second time: his tone growing more impatient as he felt his cheeks flushing a slight pink.

James gave the bag he was holding to Peter and posed slightly: angling his head upwards dramatically and hollowing his cheeks slightly as he pushed his lips into a pout, tugging at the collar of his shirt so it exposed his collarbone slightly, before adding in a deep, overly dramatised, husky voice, "I'm Sirius Black. I'm  _ siriusly _ a prat - watch me pout!" He pouted further, leaving Peter and Remus in hysterics as Sirius only glared at him in disgust.

"For a start," Sirius began: his eyes widening slightly and the pitch of his voice shifting slightly upwards.

"Here we go..." Remus rolled his eyes, before smiling slightly as he glanced between Sirius and James.

" _ What _ ?" Sirius retorted: his cheeks a soft pink. "I'm just  _ saying _ , that I don't sound like that, and that never  _ once _ have I exposed my collarbone in conversation, or  _ ever _ , I-"

"Of course you do!" Peter decided to join in now, which in Sirius' opinion was indeed just fucking  _ fantastic _ . "That's why all of those girls ask you out, you know, all of those girls you reject when some of us are  _ suffering  _ here!" 

Sirius sighed a little, groaning internally, "I just don't want to  _ date _ them, okay? Go and ask them yourself if you're that bothered, Pete, I- I don't... look, I'll admit that maybe  _ subconsciously _ sometimes I  _ might _ pout, but I don't go around  _ exposing _ my collarbones-" He found himself getting entirely too heated with the subject of conversation and raised his voice dangerously.

"And he  _ admits _ it!" James practically screeched: his grin looking ready to peel off his face as he turned around and high fived Peter rather dramatically.

Amidst the commotion, Remus leaned into Sirius and whispered a quick, "I just made that up, you know? The pouting thing."

To which, Sirius' eyes widened in horror, because he'd just  _ admitted  _ it, and Remus Lupin had already ruined his life and they hadn't even gotten off the train yet, which was probably something they should think about doing.

" _ But _ ..." Remus continued: a smirk upon his lips, "don't lie to me, Sirius Black, I know what you do with those collarbones of yours." Sirius gulped: his cheeks turning vermillion. "That impression was spot on, that's  _ so _ you  _ every _ time you want to get your way."

"I want you to shut the fuck up but I'm not like that now," Sirius insisted: red faced, yet still stubborn.

"Only because I pointed it out." Remus grinned at him, before grabbing his luggage and following James and Peter as they began to exit the compartment.

-

"Come on, Lily," the Slytherin furrowed his brow, looking at her from behind a curtain of long, dark, greasy hair, "you can't  _ possibly _ sympathise with him!" His voice was quiet: taking the form of little more than a whisper, but his words were strewn from his lips with violent intent, and landing upon the air in harsh tones and a bitter snap.

"Severus,  _ please _ ." The Gryffindor girl turned to face her friend; the two standing upon the platform at Hogsmeade Station amongst a great crowd of students and rather dazed looking first years, which Hagrid, the groundskeeper, was attempting to herd into a gathering which rather resembled a flock of rather nervous sheep all clad in long black robes and ties that didn't yet bear allegiance to any of the four houses: remaining black in colour with the Hogwarts crest embroidered at the end of the tie, until the first years had been sorted into their houses at the feast, when their tie would transform into one that bore the colours belonging to the house the student had been sorted into.

"What?" Severus retorted, looking down at Lily, who was just a few inches shorter than him, with an odd sort of sneer.

"You know  _ exactly _ what." She told him: narrowing his eyes in disbelief for his general ignorance and overwhelming capability to be an asshole in a plethora of circumstances. Lily could just about deal with Severus Snape for the most part; they'd grown up together, and she knew for more than the ignorant, rude, almost pretentious brat he'd become after being sorted into Slytherin and finding the expectations of other Slytherins forced upon him, and she was indeed, to a certain degree, astonished that he still spent time with her, despite the fact that she was muggleborn, of course, Severus himself was a halfblood, which didn't seem good enough in the eyes of quite a few of the most repulsive pureblood Slytherins, that for some reason, Severus found himself pressured into idolising.

Today, however, after several hours in a compartment with him, she'd grown very quickly tired of his uncouth remarks aimed at seemingly everyone under the sun, and she was beginning to wonder if there was a person that Severus Snape did not seem to despise... besides herself, somehow, as she did indeed seem to be the Slytherin's soft spot for one reason or another - perhaps it was their childhood friendship, or perhaps it was down to the fact that she kept making the mistake of forgiving him: time and time again.

"You're getting snappy with me now?" Emerald green reflected in his eyes: as dull and dark as charcoal. "Over  _ him _ ? You don't even  _ like _ him? You've told me that, and everyone knows what a prat he is, and that only gets to you when  _ I  _ call him a prat?"

Lily paused for a moment: not wanting to agree with Severus, as she knew that somehow, deep down, there was a part of him that meant well, and that there was a part of him who was still her best friend aged ten, but this fifteen year old Severus Snape with hair down to his shoulders and over his eyes, who spoke with malice of everyone he met, was not the Severus Snape she really wanted to know, yet she found herself unable to just leave him and end their friendship, because every so often, she found herself catching glimpses of the boy she used to know, and found herself reminded that the younger Severus was still very much inside there, and she found herself wondering if she could ever get him back.

"Severus..." she began: her tone gentle, as she was taking care not to set off something in him and have him exploding in a fit of rage and causing more trouble than was necessary for the first day of term; she didn't want to be responsible for getting Severus Snape into detention, even if not directly. "Well, when other people call him a prat, they don't look at him like they're ready to grab the nearest sharp object and drive it right through the back of his skull, and if they do, they don't  _ mean _ it. They call him a prat, because at times, yes he is one, but there is more to James Potter than that, much like that there is more to Severus Snape that this ignorant asshole who does little more than insult and curse everyone he sees."

Severus, however, seemed to disregard every word of Lily's carefully worded hope for an explanation, in favour of simply falling back on what he knew best: another string of insults. "Yeah well, Potter's a fucking waste of everyone's time if you ask me: arrogant, bigheaded, only concerned with himself and getting your attention-" 

"Well, the thing  _ is _ , Severus," Lily found herself raising her voice a little as the crowd dispersed slightly around them, "no one  _ did _ ask you. And I don't want to get into an argument right now, on the first day, for crying out loud, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go now."

Snape didn't bother himself with running after the redhead as she made her way through the crowd in search of her fellow Gryffindors, he did however trouble himself with a yelling, "no point lying, Lily, I  _ know _ , I know you're only defending him because you  _ like _ him - that's clear now!" However, Lily didn't care enough for him to turn around and give him the pleasure of any form of response, and indeed the only response he got was from a few second year Ravenclaws who looked at him in the manner you might look at a drunken tramp stood outside a pub: yelling violently in a manner that made you cross the street or even take the long way home to avoid them.

Lily found herself pushing Severus out of her mind: knowing he'd come to her in the library or between classes in a few days time with a rushed and insincere apology that she'd find herself accepting only for a familiar softness in his eyes that sent her back a good five years and pulled on her every weakness.

She didn't have quite long enough to contemplate when and how and  _ if _ she should stop forgiving Severus Snape, before she spotted Remus Lupin in the crowd, which wasn't particularly hard as he now towered over pretty much all of the students, and she found herself barging past people as she found herself  _ desperately _ needing to talk to him about that scar of his, because she'd been researching lycanthropy over the summer, well as much as she could anyway, which admittedly wasn't much, but she had found this rather promising look charm that might be able to-

Every thought process in her mind stopped as Remus turned slightly and she caught sight of it.

She found her heart stopping a little in her chest, because although she had been warned, and she had known about the situation in detail for a good two weeks now, Remus had used words such as 'okay' and 'not a big deal' and 'not as bad as I thought' in his letters, of which only the exact opposite could be used to accurately describe the burnt crimson slash that seemed to separate his face in two from beneath his left eye to the bottom of his jaw on the right side of his face.

Remus noticed her before she could quite manage to focus enough to force any kind of movement or sound from her lips, and glanced back at his friends, before muttering something and making his way through a group of people and over to her: meeting her with a warm,  _ typically _ Remus kind of smile, that made such a horrible scar very out of place upon his face.

"Remus," she met him with bright eyes and a relieved smile, before pulling him into a hug before she could stop herself; the hug was rather extended with their bodies pushed close together and her arms reaching under his arms and up to his shoulders and his arms fitting a little awkwardly around her waist. It was, however,  _ platonic _ , and comprised largely of relief that Remus was still in one piece, because when Lily worried, she went  _ all _ out.

Despite this, a good two metres away, James Potter stood: mouth agape,  _ glaring _ .

"Hey," He offered her an awkward smile as she finally pulled away: although the hug was prolonged, Remus did very much appreciate the sentiment, because there was just something about having a great horrific scar across your face that made you suddenly much less appealing to hug. "Did you have a good summer?"

" _ Piss off _ !" She rolled her eyes in disbelief, because there he was: having almost died, asking her about her summer. 

"What?" Remus retorted: his face softening around the smile upon his slightly chapped, pink lips.

"I think your summer is really the matter of concern here, isn't it?" She shook her head at him, "I mean, now isn't the best time - I think we should maybe meet up in the library tomorrow, because I want to show you something I've researched and we might be able to discuss it further, well not in the library- hey, we can whisper, but- okay, you're alright, aren't you? Like, is it hurting? How is it? You  _ did _ get it treated, didn't you?"

" _ Yes _ ." Remus let out a sigh, "Lily, look I promise you,  _ everything's _ fine- well as fine as it can be considering that I'm facing a risk of serious injury and/or death once a month every month for the rest of my life, but  _ besides _ that, I'm fucking fantastic!" He cracked his face into an odd kind of slightly lopsided grin, "honestly, I am so glad to be back at school, and laugh at me all you want, Evans, because it'd make you a dirty hypocrite, but every time my parents look at me, it's like they're calculating the risk of my every movement because now I'm a walking health and safety risk, and oh god  _ forbid _ I go  _ outside _ , like damn, I could get a grass rash or hayfever, like  _ god no _ , not hayfever- and well, I'm glad to be back with people that treat me like a person, you know?"

Lily wasn't quite sure whether to laugh or stress to him the fact that he was in danger, but she figured that Remus had just about come to terms with that for the most part, judging by his attitude towards the matter, and in light of that, settled for a smile and an awkward kind of breathy laugh. "You need to be careful though. We do need to talk before the next full moon, which is in-"

"Eleven days." Remus told her: rolling the number off his tongue with a tone of nonchalance.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" She nodded, realising that yeah, Remus had probably spent time memorising the date of every full moon for the next ten years or so. "So, we should meet up soon in the library?"

"Yes, Lily," Remus smiled: touched by how much she cared more than anything, "the library, tomorrow, four o'clock?"

Lily opened her mouth to respond, but stopped herself as Sirius Black walked over, leaning into Remus a little. "Nice summer, Sirius?" She asked him; her and Sirius were on good terms but weren't particularly close, which was likely largely down to the fact that whenever James found her in a two metre radius he either did something incredibly stupid and incredibly dangerous or ran away as fast as possible, and that Sirius Black spent a good ninety five percent of his entire life with James Potter.

Sirius shrugged, "was alright." He bit down hard upon his lip as his mind flash green; he couldn't think about that - not  _ now _ , not with Lily looking at him like she'd much rather he was as far away as possible.

Remus glanced across at the shorter boy: noticing a certain reluctance and oddly placed grit in his tone - something Lily wasn't well enough acquainted with him to pick up upon, however, he was well aware that now was really not the time to say anything. Instead, he went for a different, much more simple question, "where's James?"

Lily looked puzzled for a moment before glancing back over Remus and Sirius to find that James and Peter had disappeared amongst the crowds, much as they should have been doing.

"And Peter?" Remus added: almost as an afterthought, which he mentally cursed himself for, because although Peter did seem to reside solely in James' shadow, he was so much more than an afterthought.

Sirius laughed a little, "James made some comment about you being a traitor and walked off, you know,  _ pouting _ ," he met Remus' eyes at that: stressing his point, "we should probably get going as well," he added as the two began to follow the last stragglers of the crowds of older students making it up to Hogwarts.

"Just a quick question," Remus chimed in a few moments later: walking with Sirius on his right and Lily to his left, "what heinous crime have I committed that has forced James to cast me off as a traitor?" His words left his mouth: entangled in a thick blanket of perhaps unnecessary and to some degree, bitterly dramatised sarcasm, which was all indeed  _ very _ Remus Lupin.

"Considering that it's James, it might just have something to do with the fact that I hugged you," Lily offered: a slight sigh of disbelief to her words, because James was just a bit of a prat.

"When did he get appointed chief of the hug police? Because no one told me about that?" Remus rolled his eyes a little, because this was just irritating as opposed to anything else; James would get over it within the next ninety minutes, as he always did.

"Police?" Sirius met him with that 'I'm a very sheltered pureblood wizard' look for the thousandth time.

"They're like the muggle equivalent of aurors." Lily explained: having appointed herself chief of the explaining basic muggle concepts to pureblood wizards on an agonisingly frequent basis police, about four days into first year.

"Except they're quite a lot less cool, and they don't really have powers other than wearing really silly hats and making you pay them money for parking your car in the wrong place." Remus added, leaving Sirius to nod and feel like an absolute muggle professional for knowing what a car was after Remus had told him in second year, after falling off his bed in a fit of laughter when he realised that Sirius genuinely didn't have a clue.

"I don't know when he got made chief of the hug police then, I'm sorry," Sirius continued, "but I  _ do _ know, that Remus John Lupin, that was  _ quite _ a hug." He turned to the taller boy: narrowing his eyes a little. " _ Quite a hug _ ."

"I didn't even initiate the hug!" Remus exclaimed, turning to Lily without thinking, as he quickly sought to pin the hug related blame upon her.

"Lily I have no idea what your middle name is Evans-" Sirius began: turning his perhaps somewhat dramatised hug treachery related inquiry to her.

"I don't have a middle name," She interjected, "I kind of wish I did, though, you know-"

"You're talking to someone whose middle name is literally  _ motherfucking  _ Orion, so, you know, maybe-" 

" _ Sirius _ ," Remus rolled his eyes a little, " _ look _ , the fact of the matter is that it was a hug, and that James is being, well, to put it as it is, a bit of prat."

Lily couldn't help but laugh at the blunt tone that seemed almost omnipresent in Remus' voice. Sirius raised his eyebrows before letting out a rather feminine kind of giggle, that he played off with a cough.

" _ Still _ , that was more than a 'hey did you have a nice summer? I've missed you' hug." Sirius looked between the two of them with mild concern, "because if you're going to hook up,  _ please _ be more discreet about it so James doesn't throw a fit, because I-"

" _ Sirius _ ," Lily raised her voice, cutting the dark haired boy off almost instantly, because Lily did indeed have her intimidating qualities, "it was a hug between  _ friends _ . It was, however, a 'hell, are you alright? I've been really worried about you and you really underexaggerated when writing about that scar' kind of hug."

"Yeah..." Sirius trailed off: feeling just that little bit idiotic, "that does make sense, and I mean: you  _ two _ ," he shook his head, laughing a little, " _ nope _ ."

"James would kill me." Remus supplied with a grin, "James'd kill you too, maybe, just for the hell of it."

" _ Hey _ !" Sirius exclaimed: not entirely sure whether he was supposed to be offended or not. "I don't have a 'kill me' face, do I? I don't look like a victim,  _ do I?-  _ Fucking hell, Remus stop laughing at me-"

"It's like the pouting thing  _ all _ over again." Remus found himself fucking  _ beaming _ as Sirius blushed a deep scarlet.

"Do I even want to know?" Lily found herself wondering around as they reached the carriages that would transport them to Hogwarts after a rather long walk up a hill behind the majority of the older student body.

"Well, have you noticed-" Remus began to explain, before Sirius reached up to throw a hand over his mouth, and cringed internally at how much he had to extend his arm in order to do so.

" _ Stop _ . Absolutely  _ not _ ." He turned to Lily: hand still clamped over Remus' mouth, "you don't know want to know."

Lily shrugged it off: rather amused with just how much taller Remus was than Sirius, and in turn, how much that agitated him, because Sirius was only two inches taller than Lily and she'd shown more signs of growing recently than he had, leaving Sirius even more hopeless in the possibility of reality in which he wouldn't be condemned to standing no taller than five feet and nine inches for the rest of his life.

Remus moved Sirius' hand away from his face as they went to get into a carriage, however he found Sirius standing just a few feet back from them with an odd sort of bewildered expression upon his face: glancing between the carriage and the empty space before it, and Remus and Lily.

"Sirius?" Remus followed his gaze for a few moments, "are you alright?" He furrowed his brow in confusion: unable to discern quite what could  _ possibly _ be wrong.

"Mmm..." Sirius' expression much mirrored Remus', but with a slightly unnerved undertone. "Yeah, it's just... don't the carriages... don't they... don't they move by themselves?" He asked, shaking his expression off slightly as he followed Lily and then Remus into a carriage.

"They do." Remus told him: suddenly growing rather concerned for him, and found himself once again following Sirius' gaze to the empty space between them and the carriage about five metres before them, and confirmed for himself that it was indeed empty.

"What's this?" Lily glanced between the two of them: having not quite caught the first half of the conversation.

"It's nothing." Sirius snapped quickly, before looking away: away from the great black skeletal creature that drew the carriage, that seemed to be only visible to him, which  _ certainly _ wasn't a good sign.

"The carriages move by themselves, don't they, Lily?" Remus asked after a moment, because Lily, being Lily would probably be able to explain something here and perhaps make Sirius feel a little better - Remus was right about the former, but by no means the latter.

"No, actually," she began: her gaze focused as she concentrated on relaying several facts from 'Hogwarts: A History' - a title, which Sirius Black had absolutely  _ not _ read. "It  _ appears _ , yes, that's it - it  _ appears _ that they're enchanted to work by themselves, but actually they're drawn by Hogwarts' heard of thestrals."

Sirius looked up at this: knowing that he certainly hadn't seen these things before, and indeed had no idea whether the great black beast just a metre or so away from him was a thestral or not.

"And thestrals..." Lily continued, or was about to, until she found herself taking note of the startled look in Sirius' eyes and thought it better that she didn't, because the question hadn't just come from nowhere, and neither had that look in Sirius' eyes.

"And thestrals?" Remus urged for her to continue.

"Well, most people can't see them." Lily finished quickly, ready to leap on the first subject of conversation that came to mind so Remus would drop it and she could approach this later with Sirius in private, because 'whose death did you witness over the summer?' didn't really seem like the best topic for conversation at the moment, because, of course, thestrals were creatures would could only be seen by someone who had witnessed the death of another.

"Remus, are you going to wear your badge?" Lily's tone came out a little rushed: desperate for Remus to just accept that they weren't going to talk about the thestrals anymore.

"My badge?" Remus looked at her in confusion, before it suddenly came back to him like a sack of bricks to the face, " _ shit _ ! Oh my-  _ shit _ ...  _ wow _ , absolutely fucking  _ wow _ !" Remus' rather vivacious exclamation captured Sirius' attention immediately.

"You've not  _ lost _ it, have you?" Lily glanced over him in disbelief: wondering just how McGonagall would react to that, and she wondered if just as explosively as Remus just had.

"Lost what?" Sirius asked: deciding that it was best not to focus on the fucking enormous absolutely fucking terrifying massive winged black skeletal horses that no one else could see, and try and pretend that maybe he couldn't see them, just like everybody else.

"Haven't lost anything!" Remus produced a small badge from his pocket: holding it in air with a rather smug look upon his face. "Did completely forget about it, though, am going to admit that,  _ but _ ..." He trailed off, placing a finger to his scar, "maybe just  _ maybe _ had other things to worry about than the fact that, for some fucking unknown reason, McGonagall made me a prefect."

"You're a  _ prefect _ ?" Sirius practically screamed at him - his expression contorting into that of horror, dismay, and disbelief. The hug incident was nothing in comparison to this  _ divine _ example of pure  _ betrayal.  _

_ " _ Yeah..." Remus trailed off, biting down on his bottom lip, because in earnest, the last thing he wanted to be was a prefect. "So's Lily," he added as somewhat like an afterthought: wondering if Sirius was going to scream at her too, but he didn't.

"Well, I guessed that, I mean, of course Lily's a prefect, but you're  _ Remus Lupin _ , you- you're responsible for half the shit we pull, and they gave you  _ that _ -" Sirius had to admit that he was just a little bit lost for words, and in addition, also a little bit delighted by the Slytherin point taking possibilities they had suddenly acquired.

"Yeah, well," Remus' face contorted into an awkward, half smug grin, "I'm not an idiot like you, so I don't get caught, do I?"

"And all the professors think you're this perfect model student, and-" Sirius had returned to shaking his head in disbelief, "fuck, Remus, you're not going to go all snobby and stuck up and start caring about the rules, are you?"

"I  _ do _ care about the rules." Remus told him, glancing across at Lily for support, but she only shook her head: finding herself very much amused with the little 'lovers' tiff' occurring before her.

"Yeah, sure, because I'm pretty sure that," Sirius began to count off on his fingers dramatically, "stealing, lying, sneaking out of school, using an invisibility cloak, being out of bed after hours, making potions from the restricted section, going into the restricted section of the library without permission, hexing my brother when he's not looking, hexing other Slytherins when they're not looking, and then blaming all that shit on me and James and Peter-"

"I never blamed anything on anybody," Remus insisted: grinning, because in truth, Sirius did have quite the point, "you just have a guilty face."

"A guilty, pouty,  _ kill me _ face?" Sirius rolled his eyes in disbelief, "this is kind of cool though, because you can totally fuck over the Slytherins-"

"He's  _ not _ going to abuse his powers," Lily finally decided to add to their conversation.

Remus found himself unable to stop a slight grin taking over his features, "I'm not promising  _ anything _ ."

"You are the  _ worst _ prefect." Lily shook her head in disbelief.

"I  _ so _ am, I'd even forgotten about it until now," Remus grinned to himself as he attached the badge to his robes.

"James is going to consider this the  _ second _ act of treachery tonight, you do know?" Sirius found himself smirking as he pictured James' reaction.

"Second act of treachery my arse!" Remus found himself exclaiming rather loudly as they got off the carriage at the gates to Hogwarts castle, "I might just casually remind him that I can take points off him whenever I like-  _ yes _ , I..." it was only then that the extent of this dawned upon Remus, "I  _ might _ just take some points the next time he throws all his dirty clothes onto my bed."

"He  _ will _ kill you." Sirius assured him.

"And I'll just take some more points for  _ attempted _ murder, because let's face it - I'm taller  _ and _ stronger than him." Remus' face relaxed into a lazy contented kind of grin as they walked through the grounds; the kind of grin that totally juxtaposed the hell encompassed upon his face in a dark red scar.

-


	3. this chapter is so long and i have no regrets

"James, I swear on..." Remus paused: not entirely sure as to quite what he could swear on that would successfully convey the meaning behind his words to James Potter. They were sat at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, having just witnessed the sorting of the new first years and made a vague attempt to welcome several first year Gryffindors.

"On quidditch?" Sirius offered in suggestion, having paid great attention to the one of the most ridiculous arguments he'd witnessed taking place between two of his friends, because not only was it ridiculous, it also incredibly half-hearted and for the most part, just couldn't help itself when it came to being pathetic.

Sirius was sat beside Remus, being generally thankful that the height difference between the two was not so immediately obvious when they were sitting, which was largely due to the fact that Remus had this habit of slouching over a table and looking ready to curl up around it, but in earnest, the guy never seemed to have gotten enough sleep, and that was fault of nothing other than his furry little problem, or as James had once described it 'his man period that involved just as much blood and just as much fur, and maybe just a few more murderous tendencies' - Lily, had however overheard him one time and slapped him over the head with the nearest book: successfully putting the use of the nickname to a rather firm halt.

"Yeah, but Remus doesn't care about quidditch - you've  _ got _ to have something we mutually care about." James spoke with a mouth full of food, which was only something the other three had gotten used to over the years. 

Peter grimaced a little: sat next to James on the opposite side of the table, before finding that the perfect solution had sprung to mind. " _ Lily! _ " He proclaimed just that little fraction louder than necessary, and in consequence, catching the attention of the redhead herself, who was sat just a few spaces down the table next to Marlene McKinnon, Alice Longbottom, and Mary Macdonald, who she shared a dormitory with.

Lily turned in response to her name, however quickly let out a sigh and found herself ready to turn away when she caught sight of the dumbfounded expression upon James' face, accompanied by Peter's somewhat guilty look.

Sirius, however, decided it would be insanely amusing to see just how much he could make James blush in the space of a minute or so, and with this in mind, caught Lily's attention again. "Hey, Evans!" His voice was a little quieter than Peter's had been yet still succeeded in capturing her attention, and a few odd looks from the girls around her.

"What is it?" She called out in response: making a point of looking directly at Sirius, as not to give James false hope that she'd actually willingly partook in a conversation with him, because doing so would only lead him on, and really that was the last thing she wanted to do, yet of course, it had been a long four years, and James still hadn't got the message.

"Can you confirm that 'the hug' was a simply and strictly platonic concerned kind of hug so James doesn't end up jinxing Remus on the grounds of treachery?" He let a smirk fall back onto his face as he watched James glance in disbelief between Lily, Remus, and Sirius.

Peter continued to eat his chicken, which left Sirius assured it would be quickly solved and nothing would come of what he would in time inevitably deem one of the most pathetic arguments ever.

Lily rolled her eyes a little, inhaling deeply before turning to look James Potter in the eye - which she knew even in that moment would be something she'd come to regret. "James, stop being such a prat, it was  _ just _ a hug, and hey, it's not like I'm going to be even considering hugging you any time soon, is it?"

" _ Lily _ ..." James let out an odd kind of lovestruck drawl, sounding an awful lot like he'd just downed a bottle of firewhiskey, and all in all, creating such a great impression of Gryffindor house for the few first year students that had turned their heads in all the commotion. "This is our first conversation of fifth year, so I think you should at least try to be nice to me, I'm only-"

" _ James _ ." Lily interrupted him: suddenly very aware that half of Gryffindor house was listening in on their conversation, and in turn, of the prefect badge displayed with pride upon her robes, and in consequence, just what wouldn't be a good idea to yell at James Potter down the table. She gave a little sigh, deciding that her best bet was just to lay it out plainly for him, "I do not want to date you. I am not even remotely interested in dating you or even having much of a conversation with you, so long as you keep being such a prat. Yet, neither am I interested in dating Remus, so don't make him out to be a 'traitor' for being my friend, instead grow the hell up and move on."

"Pffffttt..." James made an odd, incredibly intoxicated sounding noise with his mouth, and in the process of doing so, sprayed Peter and a first year with spit, which was, indeed so very lovely and considerate of him. "I was  _ joking _ , come on, Evans, take a  _ joke.  _ Do you not know what a joke is?"

"I do." She snapped: very quickly losing all her patience, and immediately, Peter stopped eating, which set off alarm bells in Sirius' head. "I am very well aware of what a joke is, James Potter.  _ You _ are a joke. Your whole  _ life _ is a joke, James, so kindly, stop talking to me and leave me alone."

And with a vague gasp from several first years and a couple of second year girls, Lily fought to keep a smirk off her face as she turned back to her friends, leaving James' ego bruised as he woefully chewed a roast potato.

"So is Remus still a traitor, or?" Peter piped up after a few moments: unsure whether it was all good for him to continue eating in peace or whether there was going to be another argument.

"Remus isn't a traitor." James looked up from his plate and met Remus' gaze, sighing he continued, "I'm just a bit of an idiot. She really  _ doesn't _ like me, does she?"

"No, she doesn't!" Remus exclaimed: unable to figure out how it had possibly taken him this long to determine the most simplest of facts. Remus was even sure that all of the first year Gryffindors, after having been in Gryffindor house for all of fifteen minutes, had gathered that Lily Evans most certainly did not like James Potter in the slightest.

"Well..." James' words were somewhat breathy: contorted slightly as he spoke, which gave his voice an odd, nervous tone to it, that was somewhat unheard of when it came to James Potter. "Just guess I have to try hard, don't I?" His face lit up into a grin, high fiving Peter for emotional support, who nodded in agreement and continued to eat as James held his hand out to Sirius, who only rolled his eyes a little as he high fived him, and then finally to Remus who shook his head in disbelief.

"Oh,  _ come on _ , Moony," Sirius gave him a gentle shove: grinning slightly, "give the prat a ruddy high five." He met Remus with a wide, careless grin that Remus seemed to be unable to resist mirroring, and offering James what was a very lacklustre high five, but was accepted anyway, as James had some potatoes to continue eating angstily and Sirius found himself feeling like someone had stabbed a great spear through his gut as Remus Lupin just sat there, and  _ smiled _ .

-

"Lily,  _ help me _ , I have no idea what I'm doing-" Remus confessed: his eyes widening slightly as he walked through the Gryffindors in order to practically cling to the redheaded girl like the responsible prefect he was.

"Remus,  _ honestly _ ," she shook her head and turned back to Marlene momentarily and muttering a quick, "look, just meet me in the common room, okay?" before she turned back to a rather unwilling looking Remus Lupin. "For crying out loud, Remus, they're eleven, we've just got to lead them up to the common room and tell them the password, and boom, that's it - you can get back to listening to James mourn the 'death of our friendship'."

It wasn't that Remus was really intimidated by the group of about fourteen eleven year olds, it was just that he really did not have the slightest clue how to go about being a responsible prefect; he didn't want to give these poor kids false hope in him, like hell, he didn't have the slightest idea what the password even  _ was _ , and- and well... there was the small, well a little more than small matter of the great looming scar upon his face that one of them was bound to ask about sooner or later.

No one had directly said anything about it so far, besides Lily and Sirius, but people had very much been looking, and it would only take time until they got comfortable enough with their curiosity to just spring it upon him and demand some form of clarity in regards to the matter, which would leave Remus forced to make some form of awkward excuse or just plainly run the hell away like the brave, role model Gryffindor student and  _ prefect _ he was.

"Lily, can we do it together?" He pleaded with her: golden eyes wide and hoping, and Lily found herself giving it, because well Remus had been through enough to warrant her putting up with him being a little bit hopeless.

"You have to lead the boys up to their dormitory, you know?" She reminded him, but began to turn to the first years who were stood awkwardly chatting amongst themselves, with Remus at her side: nodding meekly, and frantically trying to brush his hair into his face to hide his scar, which didn't  _ quite _ work when the damn thing pretty much separated your face in two horizontally.

"So first years," she raised the tone of her voice slightly in order to get the attention of the group of first year Gryffindors, having accentuated the authoritarian tones in her voice as she glanced over the group of students, "I hope you're all happy to be sorted into Gryffindor house as that's where you'll be for the next seven years which you spend at Hogwarts. I'm Lily Evans, and me, and Remus Lupin," she gestured to Remus, who continued to stand there feeling far too tall for his body and far too irresponsible for the badge on his robes, as she spoke, "are fifth year Gryffindor prefects, and you can come to us with any queries you may have, or if you're lost or-" She glanced across at Remus and found him shaking his head slightly at the first years, "well, you can come to  _ me _ if you have any queries and to Remus only if it's absolutely necessary. You have anything to add?"

Remus flushed an awkward shade of red as he felt full attention on him, "uhh... hey, I'm Remus, and we're going to lead you to your common room, now, aren't we, probably?" He looked across at Lily with a panic stricken expression across his features. "Uhh... any questions?"

"What's that scar from?" A first year boy with seemingly bleach blonde hair asked: pointing vaguely at Remus, as if that was necessary, because everyone knew exactly who he was talking to.

"That scar?" Remus' eyes widened slightly: finding himself inhaling all too fast, as he reached a finger up to face and pointed to it, as if only to highlight it further. " _ This _ scar?" The first year nodded, " _ oh _ ,  _ this _ scar, you know this scar that's absolutely none of your fucking business, yeah-"

" _ Remus _ !" Lily practically shrieked at him, "they're  _ eleven _ , and-" She found the first years erupting into an awkward kind of laughter, to which she only shook her head, "we're going up to the common room now, come on."

Lily wasn't quite sure whether she was angry or incredibly amused, whereas Remus just found himself overly pleased with the fact that a good six eleven year olds thought he was moderately cool because he accidentally said the word 'fucking' in conversation. This reminded him an awful lot of eleven year old Sirius Black, and he found himself recalling that it wasn't too far off the story of the beginning of their friendship, as sheltered Sirius Black was very much enthralled by wide selection of rather vulgar language that eleven year old Remus Lupin had come to Hogwarts equipped with.

-

"Honestly, how did  _ he _ become a prefect?" James continued to slur his words as the three boys made their way through the crowds and up to the Gryffindor common room - at this point, Sirius and Peter had found themselves just getting accustomed to it, and within the hour, Sirius didn't doubt that they'd even be betting on as to just how long he was going to continue to talk in such a manner.

"I have  _ no _ idea." Sirius found his tone loud and exaggerated, but his words rather plainly and exceptionally honest, "he's got everyone fooled, he has - he makes him out to be this good, innocent little shite, and-"

"Well, he's not exactly  _ little _ is he?" James could resist a smirk, "you're the little one, aren't you, Sirius?" James stood up close to the shorter boy and let out a snort, "little baby Sirius-"

"You can  _ fuck _ off." Sirius gave him a half hearted shove, before grabbing Peter with his arm around his shoulder and presenting the even shorter boy to James, "Peter's the little baby."

"No, Peter's nice to me so Peter's exempt from teasing, you, however, are quite the little shit, are you not?" James found himself in a state of glee at the stormy expression upon Sirius' face, and indeed, the  _ pout _ , and as such was compelled to grab Peter by the arm and twirl him around in the corridor, which wasn't the best of ideas as it resulted in him tripping and falling straight into Professor McGonagall.

Who was just less than pleased to see him.

" _ Potter _ ..." She let out a sigh: seemingly taking a moment to compose herself before she really faced the boy. Peter used this opportunity to sneak away and make out that he'd been stood with Sirius, out of trouble all along; Sirius found himself unable to look anything but slightly amused by the whole ordeal. "Would you not care to watch where you are going? And pray tell me just what the function of a corridor is, because as far as I am aware it is  _ not _ for  _ dancing _ ."

Sirius did however have to admit that Professor Minerva McGonagall was just that little bit intimidating: somewhat in the same way that Lily Evans was, in that they both found themselves perpetually irritated by James Potter and tended to just know everything. Lily was just that little bit prettier than McGonagall, though, and Lily didn't turn into a cat at random times throughout transfiguration lessons, so there was that.

"Sorry, professor, I was just-" James found himself stumped, looking back at Sirius as if he might have an excuse tattooed across his forehead or something of the like.

"Just being  _ foolish _ . Think, Potter, because despite popular belief you do indeed have a brain." McGonagall glanced behind James towards Sirius and Peter, who remained dumbfounded in the middle of the corridor, "Mr Black, Mr Pettigrew, would you please do me the favour of going up to your common room and not standing in the middle of the hallway," she turned to James, who stood there: the expression painted upon his features increasing with guilt by the second, "and Mr Potter," her tone seemed to soften slightly for reasons unknown to the three boys, "I'd like to see you in my office for a few minutes."

James shot Sirius and Peter a 'help me' glance as Professor McGonagall began to lead him to her office, even going as far as to mouthe a rather over enunciated 'tell Lily I love her', to which Sirius rolled his eyes and decided that perhaps relaying such a message wouldn't be for the best.

"I smell really like fur?" Peter turned to Sirius with confusion evident upon his face: having misread James' lips.

"Maybe you do, Peter, maybe you do." Sirius knew exactly what he meant, but only offered him a grin before making his way towards the common room.

Sirius and Peter made it into the common room to find a group of awkward looking first years just stood in the corner, along with a group of third year boys who appear to be discussing hexes with a great deal of excitement, and then Remus Lupin taking up an entire sofa with his unbelievable long legs, as he conversed with Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon, who were sat on the sofa opposite.

At the sight of Remus and Remus' long legs and oh man, Remus' hair, and Remus'- well, Sirius got a little over excited and pretty much sprinted across the common room and leapt onto the end of the sofa Remus was sprawled across, but of course stumbled over Remus' ankles in the process of doing so, which caused the taller boy to elicit an involuntary yelp as he struggled to process quite what was happening, and resorted to his instincts which were just to shake whatever it was  _ off _ him, however, Sirius Black did fall, but Sirius Black did not fall away from Remus Lupin.

In short, a rather flustered Sirius Black ended up on top of an equally flustered Remus Lupin, as Peter made his way over at a much more leisurely pace and sat down awkwardly in the space next to Lily.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus struggled to ask, as both of them attempted to sit up at exactly the same time.

Sirius only blushed a brighter shade of red before eventually managing to find the only free space on the sofa, which was between Remus' legs, which wasn't the most comfortable of positions for either of them, so Remus sat up himself with his back to the side of the sofa where his head had been, and Sirius sat between his legs, now with the offer to move to the free half of the sofa, instead however, Sirius found himself only leaning back into Remus' chest instead, and Remus decided that he was far too tired to pretend that he'd minded.

"Are we alright now?" Remus found himself asking as Sirius began to press the back of his head into Remus' sweater.

"Mmm... yeah I-" Sirius didn't quite have time to reach the extent of a full response before the portrait hole opened with a slam and a cry of protest from the fat lady, and James Potter made his way into the room with a particularly obnoxious smirk upon his face.

"Here we go..." Remus couldn't help but sigh a little as he watched James ensure he had everyone's attention by leaping on top of a table, which the third year boys had been sat around, and seemed not to really appreciate the sudden addition of a rather smug looking James Potter to their conversation.

"Attention!" James was pretty much screaming: the slight slur to his voice having disappeared, however, which Sirius, personally found just a little bit surprising. "Hello, Gryffindor house, I, the exceptionally awesome wizard, James Potter, have an announcement to make."

"If this in any way relates to me, I will-" Lily turned to face James, having raised her voice so that the common room could hear her also.

"It does, but it relates to  _ everyone _ ." James met Sirius' eyes and offered him a grin, "well, I am no longer  _ only _ , James Potter, exceptionally awesome wizard,  _ but _ , James Potter, exceptionally awesome wizard,  _ and _ ...." He looked around the room expectantly, before pointing to a group of first years, who really must have been having quite the evening, " _ drumroll _ , please," he gestured wildly, and continued to grin as a few first years began the world's least enthusiastic drumroll. 

Sirius, however, stood up, still between Remus' legs and pointed dramatically at the first years, "you're not bloody Hufflepuffs, you can do better than that!" To which, there was a slight murmur throughout the room, but the quality of the drumroll did increase.

"Sirius, stop  _ bullying _ the first years," Remus requested calmly and tugged him gently by the arm, back down between his legs, which caught James' attention for the first time since he'd made his way into the common room, and caused him to stare for a moment, even going so far as to forget about his announcement.

"Drumroll end!" James called out, pointing at the first years, who were quite sure as to whether they were enjoying this experience or to some degree terrified for their lives, because there was this great six foot tall guy with wild hair and massive glasses yelling at them from the top of a table. They did however cease the drumroll and seemed to relax slightly in consequence, "so where was I?" James found himself asking aloud, gaining a few snorts from a couple of older students, and in particular, Remus Lupin.

"Aghhh..." James groaned for a moment before shrugging it off and continued regardless, "well, that doesn't matter, what I'm saying is that, you,  _ lovely _ people, are looking at not just James Potter, but James Potter, captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team!" And with that, James let out a scream and jumped off the table and onto the carpeted floor.

" _ How _ ? How in the  _ hell _ ?" Lily retorted, shaking her head in disbelief as most of the students began to clap: Sirius being the most enthusiastic and a group of seventh year girls in the corner being the least excited by the matter. And some of those first years probably didn't even have the slight clue as to what the hell quidditch could possibly be, but still, they were clapping like maniacs, or maybe they were just clapping the successful jump from a table - who knew?

As the clapping died down, James took a bow, before sitting down in the non-existent space between Peter and Lily, causing Lily to move very, very close to Marlene, and Peter to be practically sat on the armrest of the sofa.

"Honestly, I thought McGonagall was going to tear my arm off or something, but she just sits me down, stands there sighing for a good forty five seconds and then is like," James paused, sitting up before performing the absolute worst impression of Professor McGonagall known to man, "So, Potter, as you may be aware, the Gryffindor quidditch team is without a captain this year, and as irritating and insolent you are, you are a talented quidditch player, you are the best quidditch player  _ ever _ , in the history of the world-"

"I think just  _ maybe _ she didn't quite say that." Remus offered with a disbelief look frosting over his face; Sirius still with his head resting against his chest, for reasons that no one really found much use in questioning.

"No, I absolutely  _ assure _ you she did," James deadpanned, before breaking into a both massive and massively irritating grin. "Also some bullshit about responsibility, but like pshht, who cares?"

"You've got to be organised, though, James, or we're not going to win the cup, you know and people  _ will _ come after you with a series of hexes if we don't," Marlene chose to remind James, because Gryffindor house did indeed have this habit of just being awfully over competitive, and especially when it came to the quidditch cup.

"I will, I  _ will _ . I'm so organised that we're even going to hold team trials on Saturday!" James beamed, looking between Marlene and Lily, all while looking all too proud of himself, and as much of an idiot as he appeared, James was actually very passionate about quidditch and if someone really desired to be captain of the team, it was him.

"We're?" Peter asked: unsure as to who 'we' was responding to, because he wasn't all that keen upon leaving his bed when he didn't have to.

"Me and Sirius," James explained, gesturing to Sirius without even asking him first; Sirius, however was more than happy to help, as he did indeed share James' passionate for quidditch. "Because, Sirius is an automatic member of the quidditch team."

"On what grounds?" Lily asked: her eyes narrowing as she glared across at him.

"On the grounds, that he's totally fucking awesome, and my best friend, and I don't want to do it on my own."

Sirius was beaming, and even offered Lily a small smirk, "totally fucking awesome," he reiterated: seemingly all too proud of the most simple and rushed compliment.

"That's debatable." Lily looked across at him blankly.

"It's really  _ not _ ." Sirius insisted: shaking his hair out of his face, pouting slightly and tugging at his shirt collar: exposing the tip of one collar bone, without even realising he had been doing so.

And Remus fucking snorted, because Sirius was less of totally fucking awesome and more of a  _ total fucking dork _ .

-

“Remus Lupin, what do you think you’re doing?” James Potter’s voice seemed to reverberate throughout the boys’ dormitory: carrying a tone false of authority and even falser dignity, as the aforementioned were clearly two characteristics that James Potter did indeed lack.

“Going to bed…” Remus let out an odd cross between a grumble and sigh as he turned slightly to see the curly haired boy practically marching across the Gryffindor dormitory in order to reach him, where he stood beside his bed, pulling at the covers.

“It’s midnight!” James continued: making it evident that he was absolutely horrified that Remus found himself more inclined to sleep than stay up and listen to his prat of a best friend moan on and on about nonsense and Lily Evans, and well, mostly Lily Evans.

“Exactly!” Remus exclaimed: standing up fully in order to use the couple of inches between him and James to his advantage. “It’s nighttime, and I’m going to  _ bed _ .” His voice was stern, as Remus found himself very sure of himself and indeed very sure of the fact that he was tired, and yet perhaps even more sure of the fact that James was absolutely the worst person in the world to share a room with, and yet, Remus had survived the past four years, and indeed, so had James.

James looked ready to launch into the second argument of the day: condemning Remus as a traitor for a third reason, and with particularly enthusiastic conviction as well, because the thing was, James’d had this absolutely awful idea, which in his eyes, was of course absolutely brilliant, and Sirius, being Sirius, had shared much of the same opinion and helped to ensure its execution, all while Peter had stood there rather smugly, because he had indeed suggested it at first, despite receiving absolutely no credit for his own idea, but after being best friends with James Potter for four years, being overshadowed was indeed something he’d grown accustomed to.

However, just as James was ready to fully condemn Remus as a traitor, the dormitory door opened, revealing a smirking Sirius Black: long black hair flowing out behind him as he had rushed up the stairs two at a time, and behind him, the sounds of Peter rushing to catch up were audible. Remus knew immediately that this was incredibly bad news, and something he most certainly did  _ not _ want to get involved in, especially with being such the responsible prefect he was, yet somehow, he did indeed see the inevitability of his involvement, coupled with the slim likelihood that James would just let him go to bed, and therefore let out a sigh and silently agreed to put up with whatever awful plan James had concocted this time.

This sudden agreement, was of course, absolutely everything to do with a new realistic outlook on things, and absolutely  _ not _ the sudden entrance of Sirius Black with his pretty face and his long hair and his jeans, that had once been Remus’ in about second year, because the Blacks would never allow him to own muggle clothing, and a dark grey t-shirt: again a little too big for him, and had not  _ been _ James’, but still  _ was _ James’, who seemed to care slightly less than Remus did when he had no clothes left to wear.

James and Sirius had always been like brothers, even from first year; they were practically clones of one another, however James was slightly more arrogant, and Sirius was slightly more pretentious, but they really did fit together instantly. Whereas, Remus, although just as close with Sirius as James was, found themselves having a different kind of relationship, however it seemed to exist on terms that neither could explain, because indeed they were best,  _ best  _ friends, but they didn’t have the whole practically brothers thing that had been second nature between James and Sirius.

Remus had wondered if this was his fault, but he indeed decided that it was better not to dwell on it, as it wasn’t  _ negatively _ impacting their friendship, in fact, it wasn’t impacting it at all; Remus was just being paranoid, and over thinking, as Lily would say.

The  _ thing _ wasn’t so much of a relevant issue now, now that Remus was fifteen and had the threat of near death to look forward to every month, but instead something tucked away at the side of his mind, that liked to play up and ruin everything for him every once in awhile; this thing, was that little crush he’d developed on Sirius Black in third year.

Which had indeed been the be all and end all of the entire world at age thirteen, when Remus was stumbling over his own feet when it came to sexuality and who he could possibly be, and the fact that he found his stomach doing backflips whenever he looked at one of his best friends certainly didn’t help, but with time, and with several conversations with Lily, who was indeed surprisingly good at issues pertaining to relationships and sexuality, he had come to terms with himself, and the fact that he was bisexual, which had kind of meant the entire world when he was thirteen, but was just something he found himself brushing over now.

And what had been a world destroying crush on one of his best friends had dwindled with time and faded out into an occasional reminder that Sirius was indeed incredibly attractive, whenever the fifteen year old might happen to  _ pout _ , or grin, or exist, but that was harmless, that was nothing, because the general consensus throughout the school was that Sirius Black was attractive; Lily had even conducted an anonymous survey upon several Gryffindor girls to prove the point to Remus, which he had very much appreciated, but also found himself feeling slightly jealous of, which was perhaps the most ridiculous thing of all, because Remus didn’t  _ own _ Sirius - Sirius could date and do whatever (and whoever) he wished, and it just happened that it seemed that to be that he was only interested in doing such things with girls, which had been an emotional hurdle at first, but was now absolutely fine.

Remus occasionally enjoyed a glance at Sirius Black’s ass or leaning into him in the sofa, or teasing him to the point it was practically flirting, but he accepted that there would never be anything more than that, because that was the thing - it had been almost two years of knowing who he was, but Remus had never quite managed to tell anyone besides Lily, who had pretty much found out herself, because she was Lily Evans, and seemed to possess this absolutely unfair ability to read things from people like they were books.

It wasn’t like Remus was  _ keeping _ anything from them, or not purposefully at least, because he really did dislike the whole confrontational aspect of  _ coming out _ , and Remus Lupin was so much more witty comments than a big James Potter show of jumping up onto a table in the middle of the common room and declaring it from the top of his lungs, and as such, he had told himself that he’d just casually slip it into conversation somehow,  _ eventually _ , but somehow the opportunity had never quite arisen, because it wasn’t the same as being gay, because he could still talk about girls, and indeed Remus Lupin was very attracted to girls, but just attracted to boys too.

He wondered if it would come down to just grabbing a guy and a girl at the same time and kissing them both in front of his friends, but he did suspect that would enforce some rather negative stereotypes about bisexuality. And it wasn’t like they were homophobic either; they hadn’t really mentioned the topic of homosexuality very often, and when they had brushed upon it, it was rather simply and casually handled, and he knew for certain that James would be perfectly fine with him dating  _ anyone _ as long as they weren’t a Slytherin, and Peter would agree with James as Peter had a certain habit of doing, and Sirius… he didn’t quite know about Sirius, but he knew that Sirius valued his friendship with him much more than who he might be kissing.

Or at least he hoped so.

“Did they agree?” James’ voice snapped Remus out of his own thoughts: certain thoughts that may or may not have gravitated towards Sirius’ adam’s apple and his eyes, and his- Remus forced himself to cough slightly, and look away from Sirius in general: managing to compose himself into a sufficient state of apparent heterosexuality by the time Peter had made it up the stairs.

“Well, Evans did suspect that this might be all a massive ploy to get her to kiss you, which I do admit, after thinking about it, she has a  _ point _ , but I’m not going to judge you because it’s a relatively good ploy considering that despite this, they still agreed to play.” Sirius offered James a knowing wink, leaving Remus stood even more confused than he had been before, as to what James could possibly be planning that involved himself with a chance of kissing Lily Evans.

“You’ve got to admit this was an awesome idea,” James beamed, looking at his own reflection in the mirror, and winking, leaving the other three boys to cringe horribly, because James Potter was easily the worst person in the world.

“I still have no idea what is going on,” Remus reminded them, folding his arms as he leaned back against his bedpost and raked his gaze over the other three boys: wishing that he possessed Lily’s people reading skills, in order to just extract the answer from Peter’s face or something, however, he most certainly did not, and all he got from Peter’s face was that he was far too excited about what was possibly to come.

“We’re playing truth or dare, with the girls, in the common room,” Peter spoke up, face falling into a grin, “it was my idea. It’s a muggle game, have you played before?”

Remus knew  _ immediately _ that this was a bad idea, yet also had the possibility to be terribly amusing and terribly embarrassing both for himself and for other people, and in truth, there was no point weighing out the negatives and positives because he was undoubtedly going to get dragged into this regardless of whether he really wanted to or not. “Course I’ve played.” Remus found himself remembering last summer at his cousin’s house and the massive game that had spanned on for several days and was responsible for the demise of a kitchen sink and the dignity of almost all of the players. “Can I  _ ask _ why we’re playing, though?”

“Cause James wants one of us to dare him to kiss Lily.” Sirius was very nonchalant about the whole matter: seemingly unconcerned by the very immediate truth that Lily Evans would rather do anything than kiss James Potter, and in turn, the kinds of arguments that could come of this, but then again, Sirius never tended to think about things logical, or in particular the negative consequences of them, and as annoying as it was, it was a vital part of what make him Sirius Black, and Remus couldn’t argue with that.

“James, have you ever actually played?” Remus found himself asking, wondering just quite how such an idea had come into James’ head- well  _ Peter _ , obviously, but as to how such an idea had come from Peter’s words to something James considered to be an excellent idea.

“Yeah, I played when I stayed at Peter’s over summer - some muggle things are actually quite cool, you know?” James seemed awfully proud of himself, and glanced around as if he deserved an award for having played truth or dare once in his life. “ _ Sirius _ .” He stressed, meeting the shorter boy’s eyes with a smirk.

“It’s my family that are all anti-muggle,  _ not me _ .” Sirius shot him an awkward kind of half hearted glare: as if he wasn’t quite sure whether to bother with being offended or not, or as if he actually was offended, but all such offense fizzled out when he tried directing it at James Potter, because in truth, Remus doubted that Sirius and James had ever had a serious argument. Thinking about it, he doubted that any of them had ever had a serious argument with one another. “And I am very open to playing truth or dare,” Sirius added: his eyes boring into James, as if to make a point, which was likely to be his sole intention, considering that he was Sirius Black, and that ‘petty drama queen’ was practically his middle name, “I’ll have you know.”

“And what about you, Remus?” James turned his attention back to Remus with a very typical shit eating grin, that seemed to be sponsored by his soon to be crushed and devoured hopes and dreams of kissing Lily Evans at some point within the next hour or so. “Or would you rather go to  _ bed _ ?”

“I mean…” Remus trailed off: a small smile tugging like an excited child to a hand at the corners of his lips, “I am pretty tired,  _ but _ … there’s the possibility of watching you getting totally humiliated, so,  _ fuck  _ sleep.”

“Ever so eloquent, aren’t we, Moony?” Sirius shook him a smirk as James and Peter made their way out of the dormitory and towards the common room; he, however, stood lingering in the doorway as he watched Remus grab one of his several hundred sweaters and pull it over his head and roll the sleeves up his arms in order to retain the function of his hands, before making his way after Peter and James.

“Of course, of course.” Remus gave him a grin as he walked through the doorway, driving Sirius’ heart into a backflip for reasons he still hadn’t quite managed to decipher.

-

Within fifteen minutes or so later, Sirius found himself sat in a circle on the Gryffindor common room floor, with Remus to his right and James to his left, and indeed wondering whether this had all been so much of a good idea, because in all honesty, he wasn’t entirely sure as to what was just about to occur, but from what he had gathered from Peter and James, you either picked truth or dare, and then someone gave you either a dare to complete or a truth to tell, and if you failed to do so, then you’d be given a forfeit.

Sirius didn’t even have that much of an idea as to what could possibly come of the game, yet somehow found the mystery of it all intriguing, and from the way Remus couldn’t keep a grin off his lips for a solid minute, (not that Sirius was paying all that much attention to Remus’ lips, of course) and indeed the way that Remus had actually willingly chosen to partake in this, for the sake of witnessing what could possibly come, as opposed to going to bed, have most definitely given Sirius high expectations.

In truth, he did feel somewhat guilty that they’d prevented Remus from sleeping in order to drag him down to the common room to play some game with the girls which may or may not result in James getting severely embarrassed, because Sirius couldn’t help but find himself incredibly well aware of how tired Remus tended to be, despite the amount of sleep he might get, and indeed Sirius didn’t doubt that he could sleep just about anywhere at any time, and through  _ anything _ .

This was of course down to Remus’ ‘furry little problem’, and it was that which left Sirius feeling quite so guilty, because despite how Remus was always the first person to joke about how ill it made him, and indeed werewolves in general, which was likely due to the fact that since he couldn’t do anything to cure it, he might as well make the best of it, which was a pretty good mentality to have, in earnest, but still, Sirius felt slightly concerned- well more than slightly concerned for Remus, because especially with school starting, he needed to get some sleep, otherwise he’d undoubtedly end up in the hospital wing more than he needed to be, and this all wasn’t helped by that scar: cutting Remus’ face in two.

Because as much as Sirius was determined to simply write off its existence and ignore it, and treat Remus as what he was, which was so much more than his injuries, and so much more than a scar; he just couldn’t help catching sight of it, and feeling an odd stinging cross his heart, because he wished terribly, he wished more than anything that he could even fathom something he could do in aid of it that would really make some kind of difference, that would make indeed  _ any _ kind of difference, because as little as he wanted to admit it; Sirius had found himself with this nagging sensation at the back of his mind, which flagged up whenever he caught sight of the scar, because there was indeed no way around the truth in the fact that this was the worst injury Remus had given himself on the full moon, at least the worst in four years, but Sirius highly doubted that Remus had ever possessed such power at ten years old.

And Sirius found himself brought back to the winter of third year when Remus had cut into his back and come close to damaging his spine, which had left everyone on edge for a good few months afterwards, but in the end, Remus had been fine, and he had in fact be the only one who’d remained calm and even somewhat jovial throughout the experience, even when he’d been in the hospital wing for a week straight, and Sirius found himself going there to sit by his bed: regardless of whether he was awake or not, often just to avoid the arguments and cut-throat atmosphere that Remus’ prolonged absence had left up in the dormitory; James had started snapping at everyone and everything and had even yelled at Peter once before quickly apologising after Peter’s face fall drastically and Sirius had thought for a moment that Peter was about to cry, because there had never been any doubt that Peter thought the world of James Potter, and that in that moment, his expectations had shattered slightly.

He couldn’t bare things to come to that extent again, and he found himself promising that they wouldn’t, because somehow, maybe if he just kept hoping and wishing, Remus would be fine and this scar would be a one off because indeed that scar from third year had been a one off for the most part, and things had been fine-  _ well _ , no worse than normal for the months that followed, but gradually, things had definitely gotten worse over time, and Sirius knew he couldn’t be the only one who’d thought so, and indeed knowing Remus, who never wanted people to fuss over him, he had noticed, and he had noticed before Sirius had and never said a word to anyone.

Besides Lily; Sirius had gathered that Remus had said something of meaning to Lily over the summer due to that hug, which certainly held a great deal more meaning than any other hug - there was no way around that. Much as there was no way around the odd feeling of  _ jealousy _ Sirius found himself acquainted with when he thought of what Remus had found himself able to confide in Lily, but not him. He did however try to brush it off, and wonder if Remus would tell him with time, as Remus had always talked to Sirius about his ‘furry little problem’ more than he had to James or Peter, and this was likely as when the time came, Sirius did possess the ability to become suddenly very quiet and very solemn, and listen to Remus talk for hours, and never interrupt and yell like Peter and James simply couldn’t help themselves from doing.

And in earnest, Sirius wasn’t entirely sure as to where such a power had originated from, because he knew himself to be indeed anything but a patient person, or a quiet person, or a calm person, which made it clear, if only not to Sirius, that it was Remus himself who had this effect upon him.

And in earnest, Sirius couldn’t help fear the next full moon perhaps as much as Remus did, or indeed judging by the almost nonchalant grin that hung loosely across his lips, more so, because it was at this point, at fifteen years old, that Remus was starting to get tired of it all, because he’d lived through over a decade of transitions, and to some degree, it simply didn’t matter quite so much more to him at this point, because a scar was what you made of it, and he was definite that his scars would be nothing more than scars, and he would be a werewolf, indeed, but by no means a monster.

Remus threw Sirius a grin: the grin was however constructed on a rather unstable foundation of concern and worry, having happened upon the distant, perhaps startled light in Sirius’ eyes, and the way he’d seemed to have zoned out slightly, “Sirius?” His voice had come out somewhat more croaky than he’d anticipated and he quickly covered it with a cough as he felt the warm, red fingers of a blush crawling at his cheeks.

“Oh… uhh..” The dark haired boy blinked slightly: stumped when it came to thinking of an explanation or indeed anything to say that differed significantly from ‘tell me why it’s getting worse, I don’t care if you don’t know, please just tell me something, because I can’t stop looking at that scar, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying’.

Thankfully, however, Sirius found such a hurdle removed from his path as the low murmur of conversation that had filled the room in the form of background noise ceased with a loud sharp clap as James threw his hands together, and pulled his gaze around the circle before offering each person the absolute honour of witnessing James Potter at full arrogance potential, which was indeed quite the intriguing sight, but of course, intrigue didn’t always go hand in hand with the good in the world.

“I think we’re about ready to start.” James announced after a good fifteen minutes spent discussing the rules with Lily, who wasn’t at all content with just a few rushed ideas that Peter had suggested for James to add in a much louder tone of voice; no one of course really blamed Lily for her dissatisfaction, considering that it was practically common knowledge that the initial purpose for this entire escapade was the thin possibility of James somehow managing a kiss from Lily Evans, and in the end, Lily had resorted to writing out a full set of rules, which Alice had begun to contribute to also, and Alice was very much known for writing much more than was necessary and going off on unnecessary tangents, which she really couldn’t be blamed for - it wasn’t her fault that she had a lot to say, and she most certainly sat in a better position than Sirius who for the most part had absolutely no opinion on things such as mandrake repotting, or the use rare ingredients in potions, which were namely two essays he’d gotten just a little more help from Remus than was perhaps looked positively upon.

“No, I think you should spend another two hours making another set of rules, you know, just in case that set doesn’t quite work. Like a backup set?” Remus gained a few laughs at his comment, but a full on  _ glare _ from Lily, who didn’t quite seem to appreciate how casually Remus was taking the whole game, or indeed his whole life, and her argument for that was the fact that he faced the possibility of death or severe injury on a monthly basis, yet it was also Remus’ argument for taking things quite so casually.

“Nothing wrong with a backup set, James.” Sirius found himself adding: shuffling closer to Remus as James’ eyes began to tear into him: hoping that Remus would somehow protect him with the power of oversized sweaters and unnecessary sarcasm, which when put together were definitely truly terrifying.

“Nothing wrong with you stopping being a prat, Sirius.” James countered, only managing to retain the facade of anger, for a good ten seconds before simply throwing Sirius a lazy grin instead, “although that might be a bit difficult for you, mightn’t it?”

“You can talk.” Sirius scoffed, and there was indeed no doubt about the fact that he had the support of the entire circle on that one.

“ _ Right _ ,” Lily raised her voice slightly, “are we playing or not? Because I don’t recall this being my idea, or even something I was all that keen to agree upon-”

“Come on, Lily, don’t be a spoilsport.” Surprisingly, it was Remus, not James who the prior comment came from, which seemed to surprise the entire room to an extent, leaving Remus looking just a little too amused with himself.

“Alright,  _ Remus _ .” She seemed to take much more kindly to that kind of comment on Remus’ behalf, and in turn, simply did all she could to ignore the way James was staring at her, with his mouth open slightly, and indeed in anything but a manner that could even consider being described with a word such as ‘discreet’ or any of its derivatives. “So, the rules,” she held up the piece of parchment she had previously complied, with help from Alice, and much displeasure on James’ part, “rule number one: you pick either truth or dare, and you don’t get to change your mind. Then the last person who played gives you a truth or a dare, and you complete it. Sounds simple, huh? It is. If you don’t, the forfeit is that the whole group decides upon a much harder truth or dare, so say you declined eating a vomit flavoured Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean, then someone could get you, to, I don’t know, kiss James as a forfeit, as that’s obviously a much worse option. Speaking of kissing James, I will, absolutely under no circumstances be doing so, I do not care, you can all shove off. And  _ those _ are the official rules.”

“Seeing how long you took, those aren’t actually very comprehensive,” Remus found himself speaking up, and Sirius found himself unable to prevent a smile from creeping over his lips, “for a start, those rules apply that absolutely anything goes, so therefore someone could be like, hey Lily since you won’t kiss James, how about you go and have sex with James in a cupboard - it’s a dare,” Remus wondered if he might regret that example at how overexcited James looked at the prospect, “and then you’d left with a forfeit, and I think we’d really struggle to think of anything worse than sex with James, so then you might have to go and have sex with James  _ and _ Peter, so-”

“Okay!” Lily yelled: her cheeks going quite red, “nothing too explicit or just outrageous, say if you think your truth or dare is outrageous, then we can vote on it?” There was a general nod from the group; James however, still found himself faced with the moral dilemma of whether he’d still agree to have sex with Lily if only on the condition that Peter was also involved, and therefore far too consumed in his own head to consider even a small nod.

“Who’s going first?” Mary asked, looking around the circle with particularly wide eyes, as if she might intimidate someone into volunteering, and indeed, somehow she had, although, it was suspected that it wasn’t quite her doing, and more so, the fact that Sirius Black was an idiot.

“I’ll go first,” he proclaimed, glancing up at Remus: looking somehow proud of himself, “I’m gonna go for dare.” And indeed everyone had seen that one coming because Sirius Black was all outrageous, unexplainable ridiculous acts that always seemed to get him into more trouble than it was worth, and a total absence of heartfelt confessions relating to his personal life.

Lily took the liberty of supplying Sirius with his dare, since she had declared herself as somewhat of the leader of the game, seeing as she’d gone as far as to write out a specific set of rules, because as largely vague as they had turned out to be, she had put that kind of effort in, and well, she deserved some sort of compensation for that, or if not, compensation for the fact that the only thing between her and James Potter was a rather nervous and giddy looking Peter Pettigrew.

“Okay, I dare you to…” She paused slightly as several ideas ran through her head, as she did indeed consider just what she felt so inclined to pressure Sirius Black into doing; she was indeed a lot better when it came to thinking of truths, and she didn’t want to start the game off with a kind of painstakingly cliche dare. “Hmm… hey, I dare you to wear your hair in braid for the next week.” There was a slight giggle in response, as everyone glanced at Sirius in order to gauge his reaction.

Sirius, however only shrugged it off, “sure. Why not? Nothing like a new hairstyle choice, is there?” He winked around the room, yet found himself with the certain problem of finding his gaze fixating, almost automatically on Remus, who in truth, looked slightly red faced. “I can’t braid, though.” Sirius admitted with a shrug, “so if someone wants to do it for me, then I’m-”

“I can.” Remus’ voice appeared rather timidly at first: with all eyes on him and indeed a thousand questions around the room. “Lily taught me in first year - I’m not entirely sure why, but…” Remus only found himself shrugging once more, and indeed somewhat at a struggle to push words out as he found Sirius moving closer towards him and brushing his hair backwards with his fingers. “I’ll do it.”

“Sure, you couldn’t do better than that, Evans?” Sirius found himself more than amused at the prospect of wearing his hair in a braid for the following week, which was inevitably something he would come to regret by tomorrow at least, but it’d certain cause quite the reaction, and it was widely known fact that Sirius Black was quite the sucker for attention. “Alright, so how do we-” He choked on his own words slightly as he felt the slight tug of Remus’ long fingers in his hair, and that shouldn’t have done anything to him, but suddenly there was this buzzing sensation all over him, and- “decide who goes next?”

“Oh we probably need like a bottle to spin or something, or we could just go around the circle? I mean, it doesn’t matter so much, does it?” Alice offered, speaking to Sirius and indeed looking in his direction, but with her gaze fixated on Remus’ fingers pulling his hair into a braid much more than on the matter of making eye contact.

“Circle seems easier,” Lily agreed and followed the circle around from Sirius to James, and perhaps immediately regretted her decision.

“Okay, so James,” Sirius felt one hell of a grin fall onto his face as the power to potentially humiliate James fell into his hands, “truth or dare?”

James didn’t wait one second before letting out a screech in the form of, “dare!” Which Sirius couldn’t help himself from laughing at, because James looked like an idiot now, and it’d certainly be one hell of a challenge to make him look  _ more _ like an idiot - if such a thing were even possible.

“Alright,” Sirius leaned back into Remus, glancing up slightly and catching a slight grin on his lips as he continued to braid Sirius’ hair, which was something that Sirius couldn’t deny that he was perhaps slightly intrigued to see the results of - who knows? Maybe it’d look cute, maybe he could totally rock it, because who the fuck said braids weren’t punk rock, because they were fucking wrong. “I  _ dare _ you… to…  _ wait- _ hey, Moony, do you remember that  _ poem _ that he wrote in like third year-”

“Absolutely fucking not you can fuck right off right there!” There was no denying the fact that James instantly flushed a horrible shade of red, and there was no denying the fact that Sirius was laughing so hard that he was struggling to breathe.

“I dare you… to just…  _ not _ even read this poem, but just explain the premise and story behind this poem, and maybe just recite that excellent first line, all while you look Lily in the eyes.” Sirius finished: already far too proud of himself, and James couldn’t blame him, because besides the fact that was he feeling personally victimised right now, it was a fucking amazing dare.

“What poem is this?” Lily found herself making the mistake of daring to ask.

“I  _ wonder _ who it could  _ possibly _ be about.” Marlene added, giving Mary a slight nudge with her arm as she gestured between Lily and James, which looked a lot like she was pointing at Peter, which initially rendered Mary just that little bit confused until she finally managed to stitch things together.

“Well…” James let out a sigh, considering punching himself in the face as indeed the preferable option in that moment, “in third year, I decided to write a poem for Lily, about Lily, and well, being thirteen, it wasn’t such a good poem… and… Sirius found it one day, and I ended up being blackmailed by him for a good two weeks on the threat that he’d show the thing to Lily, until I eventually snatched it back and burned the thing.”

“And that first line?” Alice prompted: eyes wide with interest, and cursing the fact that a treasure as great as a James Potter love poem had to be lost, as it was truly a relic of their time.

“Lily, you are as beautiful as a lily flower but a red one because you have red hair.” James found himself burying his face in his hands as the room exploded with laughter.

“Did it by any chance continue with ‘lilies are red, Lily’s eyes aren’t blue-” Marlene began: her words punctuated with uncontrollable fits of laughter, that indeed neither James nor Lily seemed to particularly appreciate.

“ _ Moving on! _ ” Lily exclaimed with a particular exertion of vocal force, “I believe it’s Peter’s turn next, is it not?”

“Uhh… truth…” Peter’s face was already a bright shade of red, and it was evident that he didn’t particularly fancy reciting poetry or donning a braid for the next week, and was only hopeful that James won’t pull up something particularly traumatising to ask him, but Sirius, for one, didn’t put such a thing out of James’ power.

“How many people in this room have you had inappropriate thoughts about?” James’ words came accompanied by a wink and and absolutely horrified look upon Peter’s face.

“That’s a bit vague, don’t you think?” Lily spoke up: perhaps trying to save Peter from the absolute terror that was James Potter, as she could very much relate to his current situation - the situation of James insisting that she do something that she’d rather die than do, which was something she experienced far too often and even to the point that she found herself somewhat accustomed to it.

“Yeah, should be something like how many people have you kissed, except maybe not this room because I don’t think Peter has kissed any of us,” Mary continued, however she only left Peter blushing further, because it was indeed a well known truth that Peter Pettigrew had not kissed anyone.

“I haven’t kissed anyone-” Peter admitted, and truthfully too: a red flush clinging to his cheeks as if held to them by dozens of tiny little hands.

“That’s anti-climactic. I want some answers, can I ask another question or can I have my original question?” James seemed to be more than determined to embarrass Peter, and considering the poetry incident, Sirius couldn’t quite blame him; Sirius was also beginning to think that Remus didn’t have as much of an idea how to braid as he had promised, since he was taking much longer than Sirius would have deemed necessary.

Yet, the truth was that Remus was perfectly well aware of how to braid, but just so fucking well aware of how nice it was to play with Sirius’ hair, and in truth, he’d found himself getting somewhat lost with half a braid forming in Sirius’ hair and a hell of a lot more on Remus’ mind.

“How about?” Alice proposed, letting out a sigh, “we do it as a group thing, and everyone says how many people they’ve kissed, but no names, and hey how about the person who has kissed the most people wins and gets… like a free pass?” It wasn’t a bad idea, and indeed an idea Sirius would have been very much behind if he had kissed anyone other than this one girl when he was ten, which really hadn’t been much of a pleasant experience in the first place, because the thing was, that Sirius had been asked by at least ten girls now to go to Hogsmeade or spend some time with him, or anything along those lines, and Sirius had turned each and every single one of them down, and for nothing other than the simple fact that he just wasn’t interesting in kissing those girls - sure he was interested in kissing, but, hey maybe he just had high standards- and well, in truth, Sirius was a little stumped on the matter. Therefore, he decided to lie, and go with a solid three in hopes that people would believe him.

“Okay, so I’ve kissed two people.” Lily began, looking directly at James as she spoke, as if to prove a point.

“Four.” Alice offered with a smile, leaving Sirius definite that he wasn’t going to win this free pass regardless of whether he lied or not, because three was believable, five was pushing it.

“One.” Marlene admitted, grinning a little, which was something Sirius didn’t quite comprehend, because she was quite pretty, but then again, he’d also consider himself quite pretty- well, really  _ very _ pretty.

“Two.” Mary added, glancing expectantly at Remus, who suddenly found a bright red colour encasing his cheeks in the silence as he came to realise that he was required to answer.

Eventually, however, he let out a muffled, “six.” To which, Lily nodded - as she could confirm the details of all of Remus Lupin’s romantic adventures as they had been described to her in at times unnecessary amounts of detail, however, James was nowhere near as satisfied with Remus’ response, and was about to call him out on it, when a voice called up from the other side of the portrait hole.

“I can  _ hear _ you in there, especially  _ you _ , Mr Potter. It’s one in the morning,  _ go _ to bed! You have classes tomorrow, are you not aware? I thought as quidditch captain you may have assumed some responsibility, but it seems not.”

James’ eyes widened in shock, letting out a startled whisper that took the form of, “McGonagall -  _ run _ ,” before he leapt to his feet and ran across the common room and up the stairs, leaving the others to follow.

And in the commotion, Sirius found himself tripping slightly and grasping at the nearest thing he could find in order to keep himself from falling, and that thing just  _ happened _ to be Remus Lupin’s hand, which left Sirius’ eyes somewhat wide as he realised just what he’d done, but he felt Remus’ fingers only gripping him tighter as he pulled him closer and up the stairs: leaving the two just at the dormitory door as the portrait hole swung open: undoubtedly to reveal Professor McGonagall, although neither of the boys were inclined to check, as they stumbled into the dormitory after James and Peter, leaving Sirius somewhat dumbfounded as he felt an odd sort of disappointment all over as Remus’ hand finally slipped from his.

-


	4. i love remus lupin guess who else does

In all honesty, Remus couldn't quite explain it, because he had indeed been absolutely exhausted and slept for almost five hours straight, but the very moment he'd woke up to go to the toilet, he found himself unable to get back to sleep at all, despite being perhaps even more tired than he had been when he'd first gone to bed. And therefore, in his sleep deprived predicament, Remus found himself with no better option than to just accept the fact that despite that it was barely more than ten to six in the morning, he was awake, and he was going to have to stay that way for the rest of the course of the day.

And it wasn't even like he had anyone to talk to, because of course, the other three boys found themselves making best use of all the time they got in bed, and Remus couldn't blame them, because he certainly would have slept for as long as he could if he could force himself to do so, but no, he was awake and his whole body ached slightly, and he could smell Peter's dad's aftershave, which James had claimed, left out on the cabinet, and he could assume that it was already terrible when you didn't have heightened werewolf senses, but honestly, just being at the other side of the room from it gave Remus a headache.

And it was like that: in the haze of the early morning, that Remus decided that it was for the best of everyone involved that Peter's dad's aftershave might mysteriously disappear, and therefore, he made his way across the dormitory and took a deep breath of clean, mostly unpolluted air before grabbing the aftershave and holding it out at arm's' length, and well, Remus did indeed have particularly long arms, so this significantly lessened the effect of the can, made his way over to the window, and opened it, revealing a very small balcony, that was indeed much more of a window ledge with a railing than anything else, but it was far too early in the morning for Remus to give much of a fuck, so he pushed the window open as far as it would go and climbed out onto the balcony, before closing the window behind him so there was only a slight gap remaining.

He glanced back through the aforementioned crack and let his eyes rake over James' sleeping form: fucking peaceful, and likely having a dream in which he and Lily were married or something judging by the grin upon his face. Remus said a silent, and perhaps less than enthusiastic apology, before retrieving his wand from his pocket and pointing it at the can, before transfiguring it into a bird, or at least attempting to, and really, the spell had gone forth with unexpected degrees of success, as what lay in Remus' palm was a very pungent, obnoxiously brightly coloured little thing, that looked rather like it was the byproduct of a drunken affair between a parrot and a sparrow.

It did indeed amuse him, however, and he offered it a small smile, holding his hand out over the balcony and encouraging it to fly off, which after one finally glance back into the dormitory, as if it knew what it had once been and just how James might react to the news that Remus had turned his aftershave into a bird, which had then flown off into the grounds - a possibility that only made Remus giggle, it took off: soaring out across the grounds and climbing higher in search of the nearest tree, perhaps. As it did so, Remus found his gaze happening upon a slight marking upon its belly, which somewhat resembled the branding of the aftershave it had once been, which would likely cause some poor muggle to be very excited indeed if they ever happened upon the creature.

Remus let out a sigh and sat down upon the balcony, which really only had enough space for him to sit with his back up against the side of the railings, and to stretch his legs out across to the opposite side, but still, it served its purpose, and there was indeed no doubt about the fact that the oranges and golds dancing across the sky before the sun would inevitably follow, like some sort of parade, were indeed astoundingly beautiful.

Remus had always seen so much beauty in nature: in wildlife, plants, and animals, for they were all innocent of the kind of sins that wizards couldn't help but catch themselves up in, and indeed werewolves too, because Remus would say that he was anything but exempt from sin and human mistakes; that was perhaps why he found himself so intent upon doing some good in the world, as if to pay it back for the chaos and tragedy he caused when he transformed, because although it was out of his control, it was still him, and therefore very much his fault.

He attempted to brush such thoughts from his mind, as he reached into the pocket of his jeans and retrieved something which he'd kept from the muggle world, and the only thing he had managed to make of the summer, because although his parents had forbade him from leaving the house, to say that Remus had never once left the house would be one hell of a lie.

Several times over the summer, Remus had used the floo network to transport himself to the Leaky Cauldron, and from there, find his way into muggle London, and all just to pretend that he was to some degree normal, because he didn't want to spend time with people fretting and worrying about him and his condition; he'd had so many years of that, that he'd almost found himself tired of sympathies in their entirety, which didn't perhaps make a great deal of sense, but Remus was less so concerned with the matter of sense making, and more so with the matter of having fun.

As that was what Remus had done; he'd met up with a muggle friend of his, and spent a lot of the time with his friends, and indeed people who he only vaguely knew, all who hadn't the faintest clue as to where the scar across his face had originated from, or that he went to a magical school for the rest of the year, and not just a regular boarding school, and in truth, Remus had even gotten quite caught up in the illusion, and to the extent that upon one occasion, he'd found himself forgetting it all himself, even if only just for a moment. Although, in that case, he had been pretty stoned, so that was likely somewhat responsible for his moment of forgetfulness.

Because not only had Remus became a prefect, grown to six foot four, and nearly died over the summer, he'd also started smoking weed, which had been something he was hesitant about at first, but after trying it, with a little persuasion from a guy called Jacob, who had just happened to be quite attractive, he found that it actually helped him a great deal, especially when it came to the full moon and he was all aches and pains, and thoughts darting through his mind as if their sole purpose was to resist being snatched up and pondered over, and to say that it didn't play somewhat of a role in just how he'd managed to come to school with that scar and not having a mental breakdown, then he would indeed be lying.

He rolled himself a joint, finding that his fingers were even shaking slightly, before lighting it with his wand, and taking a inhaling deeply, making sure that the smoke travelled out through the air and not into the dormitory, because unlike certain people named James Potter, he actually was considerate enough to leaving the whole dormitory stinking like hell. Remus found himself wondering if they'd ever get the smell of the aftershave out of the room after James had sprayed it everywhere,  _ just _ to make a point, before going to sleep last night.

The muggle guy called Jacob, had been straight, because of course he had, because Remus had so much fucking luck when it came to his feelings for guys, but that was not to say that he hadn't hooked up with someone else over the summer, because despite what people assumed, Remus did actually have quite the love life.

Well, perhaps not so much of a love life, because the thing was that he'd never once been in a proper relationship, because sure, these people were attractive and lovely, but they were all friends he'd made out with, or in some cases had sex with, and not anything more than that. It wasn't that Remus didn't want to date people in general, it was just that he wanted to date the right person: someone he had real genuine feelings for, and that person had been none of the people he'd had encounters with in the past.

Over the summer, he'd ended up having sex with Jacob's sister, Olivia, who, being Jacob's sister, looked a lot like Jacob, which Remus had promised himself wasn't weird at all, and anyway, she was pretty in her own light, and quite a great deal cooler than Remus, and didn't seem to care at all about the great fucking scar across his face, and she was, of course a lovely person, but they both knew that there was no point in it being anything more than just a one time kind of thing, with Remus being at school for most of the year, and of course, there was the fact that Remus was more attracted to her brother than he was to her, which certainly would have been an issue if they had pursued a relationship.

The only other person Remus had actually had  _ sex _ with, was this dark haired, blue eyed boy from Ravenclaw called Isaac, who was in his sixth year, and Remus had perhaps considered the possibility of there being something more between the two of them, but such dreams were very quickly thrown to the dirt when Isaac had told him that he'd met this girl, and  _ well _ , he'd been nice about it - they were on good terms, and Remus was over it by now, as it had been in April, and a good five months had passed since, but he had indeed been the person he'd lost his virginity to, and somehow, that meant something, despite how much he disliked the concept.

The other four people Remus had kissed were, Alice Longbottom, back in second year, which hadn't really counted so much, since they were twelve and thirteen at the time, and it had been very out of nowhere, and Remus had just told her that she had pretty hair when they were together in the library, and-... and, being twelve and thirteen, they had done nothing but blushed and avoided each other for several weeks afterwards, but they did laugh about it now, because it was such a typically second year thing to do. He'd also kissed Dorcas Meadowes in third year, and they had considered the possibility of something for a vague hint of a while, but Remus had eventually brushed it off after she'd made a comment about him spending so much time with Lily, who was his friend and truthfully someone he'd never once kissed.

In fourth year, he'd kissed a girl from Hufflepuff called Ella, after they'd spent so much time working together in Herbology, and well, she'd initiated the kiss, and as much as Remus had kissed back, he wasn't particularly interested in her, but he did value her as a friend, however, unfortunately, she hadn't spoken to him all that much since. Towards the end of fourth year, in June, Remus had found himself waiting down at the quidditch pitch for James, but had found himself making acquaintance with the Ravenclaw keeper: Zachary Melvin, and their acquaintancy had been rather pleasant, and whatever the hell kind of 'relationship' they entered when he'd pinned Remus up against the wall of an empty corridor and kissed him like he'd never meant anything more, had also been quite pleasant, but this had been barely three days before term had ended for summer, and Remus had to assume that was the end of that, as Zach had neglected to write to him once over the course of the summer, which was something he'd managed not to take to heart, with some effort.

Remus jumped slightly as he heard the sound of crashing and a slight curse from inside the dormitory, because in earnest, he was hardly prepared to partake in any actual form of conversation with anyone, or have to go through the process of explaining just what he was smoking and what it did, and yes it was illegal in the muggle world, but they weren't in the muggle world now, and also Remus had minimal fucks to give in general, but there was the very little he could do as the window was pushed open slightly, and a rather anxious looking Sirius Black climbed out and sat himself with his back against the opposite railing, leaving Remus to bring his knees up slightly so they could both fit, but regardless, there was still quite the mess of their legs tangled together in the middle of the balcony.

Sirius leaned back, ready to run a hand through his hair but finding the braid Remus had completed the previous night in its place, and in response, he couldn't help but let a small smile pass over his lips. "My hair looks kind of nice like this..." his tone was very loose, quite, and almost whispered, and in general, very uncharacteristic of Sirius Black, which immediately had Remus' full attention.

"It does." He reassured him, because it was true, yet Remus was pretty sure that he thought the entirety of Sirius looked nice, regardless of circumstances. "Are you alright?" He continued, taking a drag from the joint, knowing it'd catch Sirius' attention, but suddenly that wasn't so much of a bad thing anymore.

Sirius found himself shrugging slightly in response, before his eyes managed to fixate upon the joint, "what's that? It's a muggle thing, isn't it?"

Remus nodded, "it's weed. It's... it's like, you know what cigarettes are, don't you?" Remus sincerely hoped that Sirius did, because that would make his life just that whole lot easier.

"I've heard of them. They're like sticks and you smoke them, and they're bad for you, apparently. Well that's what Lily told me once, anyway." Sirius nodded, before looking down at the joint, "is that a cigarette?" Remus noticed his eyes widen slightly as his gaze brushed over it.

"No," Remus smiled slightly, "it's like a cigarette but you smoke weed, cannabis, instead of tobacco. It's not as bad for you. It helps with the whole... whole 'I feeling like I'm dying' thing, with the aches and stuff, and just calms me down in general." Sirius nodded, seeming oddly accepting of it, but then again, Sirius had no real grasp of the muggle world at all, and likely thought that everyone just smoked weed casually; Remus was in no hurry to correct such thoughts. "Anyway, tell me what's wrong."

Sirius found himself shrugging again, "it's... it's uhh... it's  _ nothing _ ." Of course, it wasn't nothing, and Sirius couldn't even bring himself to believe it as he said so, which reflected greatly upon Remus, who looked the dark haired boy over with concern and considered how best to approach the matter.

"Why'd you wake up so early?" Remus tried another approach, "I mean, I couldn't go back to sleep after I needed to use the toilet, what about you?"

Sirius glanced away: biting his lip as his cheeks began to flush red, before his words came out all at once and with very little sense to them, "Ihadabaddreamwellanightmarekindoflikeanightmarebutit'snothingreallydon'tworryaboutmeIjust-"

"Hey," Remus flashed him a sympathetic glance, "it's  _ okay _ , it really is, Sirius, I promise you that you can talk to me."

"I had this dream, and well... it's.. this thing happened over summer and it won't leave me alone and I had a dream about it and I just... I'm overreacting, I know I am, but I'm just freaked out, because it was so real - it was like it was happening all over again, and  _ fuck _ , fuck... fuck..." Sirius choked out: trying desperately to hold back and swallow any signs of sobbing, because he'd always felt as if he was simply forbidden to cry, and at home, it had certainly been looked down upon, but the thing was, he wasn't at home, he was with Remus, who was looking at him with such care and concern in his eyes that Sirius felt as if he might explode.

"It's not happening again, though, remember that?" Remus took a moment to gather his thoughts and begin to speak, "you're here now. It can't happen again, can it? It's over, and-... and it's okay. You just have to remember that you're not there now, and it's just in your head, okay?" Sirius nodded: furiously biting down upon his lips. "Can I ask what happened, or do you not want to talk about it?" At this, Sirius shook his head firmly, which was much as Remus had suspected, and therefore left it immediately. "You can cry, you know?" He continued, "I'm not going to think any different of you if you cry. Crying might make you feel better as well-"

"I don't need to fucking cry." Sirius choked on his words as he forced back his tears, and threw his gaze away from Remus and off into the grounds, "it's fine, I'm just... I'm just... overreacting..." His eyes connected with the green of the trees upon the horizon, and suddenly he was stood back a few metres away from the door of his father's office, as he had been in August, early that one morning, and in his mind, as he had within his dream, Sirius watched his Uncle Alphard die over and over again.

-

Sirius had been very much  _ off _ for the rest of the early morning, which had constituted of a prolonged kind of silence between him and Remus, as they had sat out upon the 'balcony' together for around forty or so minutes, with very little else in the way of words to one another, but with an abundance of extended stares that held more meaning that the two felt that should have done. However, the bubble of comfortable silence and unexplainable but insanely appreciative stares, was rather suddenly popped as there was the sound of a string of loud and rather obnoxious coming from inside the dormitory.

Remus had thrown Sirius an awkward half smile half glance, before pushing the window open further and climbing back into the room, to face a rather frustrated looking James Potter pulling up drawers frantically as he threw several objects to the side. 

Remus found himself inclined to less than politely enquire as to just what the fuck was going on, but Peter had beaten him to it: getting out of bed and pulling James away from the drawers, before yelling at him, "stop it, what are you doing?"

James had shaken Peter off of him, before turning and glaring back at the drawers, before glancing across the room and allowing his gaze to fall upon Remus, and in turn, Sirius, who was in the process of climbing through the window. "What the fuck are  _ you _ doing?" He span the question upon the two of them with genuine intrigue and over expressive eyebrows.

"Climbing through the window. What does it look like?" Sirius shrugged his question off as he made his way back into the room, and stood perhaps just a little closer to Remus than was entirely necessary.

"I'm asking-" James perhaps considered making something out of it, but grew disinterested within a few seconds and returned to his original point, "I'm  _ asking _ , just where the fuck my aftershave is?"

"My dad's aftershave." Peter added, and James couldn't deny that Peter was right, but he could sure as hell scowl at him, so that was what he did.

Remus tried to suppress a laugh, but had failed spectacularly in doing so, and let out a rather unflattering snort as he recalled just what  _ had _ happened to Peter's dad's aftershave, and just how he could possibly go about detailing that to the room, and in particular, a rather frustrated looking James.

"What?" James' eyes widened in Remus' direction, before glancing across at Sirius, who stood beside Remus: gazing up at him in an odd kind of slightly more than platonic intrigue, however it wasn't the slightly more than platonic qualities which were highlighted in James' view, but the way Sirius seemed to be rather pleased or indeed amused with the whole situation, which was something James would certainly define as bullying, and would not tolerate. "Okay, what have you done?" He let out a defeated kind of sigh as he glanced between Remus and Sirius.

Sirius pulled his eyes away from Remus with a bit of effort and other James a casual, almost lazy kind of smile, that would have been unearthly upon his face just five minutes ago, as he had sat with Remus in an odd state of silence and reflection and a series of question that neither dared to voice aloud. "We haven't done anything. At least, I haven't-"

"I maybe have done something." Remus admitted: biting back one hell of a fucking smirk, leaving Sirius' eyes burning with interest, as he took this as yet another well backed excuse to fixate his gaze back upon the taller boy's face.

"What did you do?" Sirius and James had spoken at the same time, however Sirius' tone was that of admiration, and a playful regard: juxtaposed with the somewhat pale faced, half horrified, half captivated in the possibilities that lay behind Remus' words, demeanour of James Potter, as he stood at just past seven in the morning in the Gryffindor dormitories.

"Well..." Remus trailed off, pulling his gaze away and towards the floor as he lost a battle with one hell of a smirk that now claimed victor of the lower half of his face. "Well..." He began once more: chancing a glance up at Peter, who stood just a metre or so away from James: looking, beyond anything else, slightly disgruntled, as this whole mess had indeed forced him out of bed - and for that, Remus couldn't blame him. " _ Well _ ..." Remus settled on finally: glancing up at Sirius, and then James, and then pulling his gaze away again. "There may or may not be a bird in the grounds. Little thing, 'bout the size of a sparrow," He gestured with his fingers, "but brightly coloured: flamboyant, obnoxious, like a parrot or something. And this bird, may or may not have once been..." He let out one final sigh, "Pete's dad's aftershave."

James' eyes seemed to widened to that extent that Remus found himself somewhat concerned with the possibility of them falling right out of his skull; Peter carried much of the same expression, however, Sirius didn't seem at all startled, and simply stood there: grinning, and after a moment had began to fucking  _ clap _ , of all things. And it was so typically  _ Sirius _ , that Remus was almost sick, but so fucking glad, because there'd been very little doubt about the fact that the Sirius he'd caught sight of earlier that morning was indeed quite a cause for concern.

"Fucking brilliant." James rolled his eyes: his tone somewhat sarcastic, although there was no doubt in the margin of amusement that resided with his words, as the prospect of Peter's dad's aftershave now living as bird in the Hogwarts' grounds absolutely did not fail to amuse him.

"Fucking brilliant." Sirius' tone lay his appreciation out rather plainly in accentuated changes in pitch as the syllables rolled off his tongue somewhat, before his face contorted into one hell of a grin. "Hey, James," he looked up: almost giddy, "I'm going to transfigure your socks into guinea pigs, just you watch-"

"Don't you dare-" James suddenly pulled on that increasingly arrogant, competitive tone of voice: dropping all concerns relating to the aftershave in favour of Sirius' vague, half-hearted 'threat'. "You know I'm better at transfiguration than you, so don't you fucking dare- I'll transfigure your bed into a fucking teapot-"

"I'll transfigure the both of you into a fucking teapot." Remus groaned, running a hand back through his hair as he made his way over to his bed. "Shut the fuck up," he added as an afterthought: reaching through the mess on his bed for a school shirt.

"I don't think you will, Moony, we don't learn human transfiguration until sixth year." Sirius leaned back against the dormitory wall: smirking at him.

Remus only threw him a middle finger: reluctant to offer him much more in the way of a response, because Sirius really was quite the ass, and Remus just couldn't quite bring himself to admit, that despite the aforementioned, just how fond of him he was.

-

As classes didn't start until Monday, Lily found herself spending her Friday afternoon with Alice out by the lake; the two engaged in idle conversation, relating to their summers, and the few details of them they hadn't discussed the night prior with Marlene and Mary, who were both still back in the common room, which was where Lily and Alice had been sitting as well, but then James Potter had walked into the room, and Lily, having already found herself with very little patience that day, had just walked out.

It wasn't that she  _ hated _ James, because she didn't, nor was it that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. He was unaware of how to not act like a major fucking prat, which was causing certain issues, and there was the matter of things with Severus, which had already ensured that Lily's day had gotten off to the best of starts.

It had been Lucius - this older Slytherin boy with long white blonde hair, that despite his copious flaws and disturbing qualities, Severus had somehow painted in a heroic position in his mind. For some reason, Severus wanted some form of acceptance and/or attention from Lucius, and it wasn't that Lily was ever against him making friends within his own house, because of course, that was totally natural, it was just the matter of him making friends with people from renowned dark wizarding families, who were somewhat renowned for hating muggleborn wizards, of which, Lily was one.

She had been walking back from breakfast that morning, and in her new position as a Gryffindor prefect, she'd found herself helping a couple of first years find their way back to the common room, as Remus was doing a particularly shocking job of being a prefect, in that he wasn't doing anything at all, but then again, Lily could excuse him due to the whole werewolf thing; she was well aware of how much pain he was in as the moon drew closer, even though it wasn't for over a week now. Professor McGonagall was also well aware of both of these things, yet despite that had appointed Remus as a prefect, which left Lily somewhat perplexed, and of coruse, it wasn't in regards him personally, as Remus was intelligent and rational, and was also very tall, and had a horrific scar across his face, and therefore looked somewhat unnerving, which was perhaps a good troublemaking deterrant, but she knew Remus was only going to get sicker, and with the matter of their O.W.Ls this year, she didn't want him to be under anymore pressure than he should have been.

Lily was also certain that she shouldn't spend quite so much time worrying about Remus Lupin, as she did indeed have her own issues, but she couldn't help herself for the most part. Lily's issues included the incident that morning in the corridor with a couple of a first years, who had stood there rather wide eyed as Lucius Malfoy pranced down the corridor, because the guy didn't  _ walk _ , he pranced and he swayed like a colossal idiot, and it took quite the effort not to laugh right in his face as he walked past.

Of course, the act of laughing would bring forth rather foul consequences, such as the unfortunate circumstances which had befallen Lily herself that morning, despite the fact she had kept a straight face, despite the fact that she'd done nothing at all; she'd barely even so much as  _ glanced _ at the sixth year Slytherin boy as he pranced by, but he'd made it very clear that his attention was focused upon her by grabbing her by the shoulder, and muttering, "you should think about keeping in  _ line _ , mudblood, if you don't want any trouble," before continuing past as if nothing had come of it.

And being Lucius, he'd been clever enough not to attract attention in the process of doing so, because if he would have made a scene, Lily would have hexed him, and people would have stood by her - maybe she would have even taken points, and perhaps she should have, but in truth, that made her feel a little bit pathetic, because she could tell from the gloating, privileged sneer that seemed to be a permanent fixture on Lucius Malfoy's face, that house points were the least of his concerns.

She didn't want to have let this bother her, but it wasn't just a casual comment, because Malfoy didn't make casual comments, and there was definitely meaning and malice hiding behind those words, and the one person who Lily had quarrelled with recently also happened to be rather close to Lucius: Severus Snape.

And Lily had been trying not to think of him as a bad person, but how long did a good man have to stand within a crowd of bad people until he faded in completely? There was a certain line here, and perhaps he'd crossed it, although she did very much wanted Severus to explain, to apologise, and she didn't doubt that she might accept his apology, because deep down, she still very much cared for Severus, despite everything that had become of him and of them.

And at times she didn't want to know him at all, but it was perhaps such a long friendship that it lay as one of those ties that could not be easily severed, and in truth, Lily wasn't quite sure where she stood on that, on Severus, because she was well aware, that there would be a final line, and that she was finally approaching it, and that there was nothing she could do in regards to the division and conflict between Gryffindor and Slytherin, which had symbolised itself for her somewhat in James Potter and Severus Snape, who were both good people that found themselves somewhat out of line.

She hated how everything was so divided and at times she did wish that she had been sorted into Ravenclaw, which was a house she'd nearly be chosen for, just to be out of the reach of all this conflict, and not have to share a common room with James Potter, and struggle to find space to sit down as the whole room seemed to be consumed at all times by the sheer size of his ego, but she was a Gryffindor and there was no changing that now; she also valued her friends in Gryffindor, and her house was so much more than one person and a conflict, but the negatives did always seem to have this awful habit of highlighting themselves.

"I saw Severus in the corridors today," Their conversation had stayed comfortable away from sensitive topic areas for a good thirty minutes, until Alice happened to turn to the subject of Severus Snape, which left Lily with an awful sinking feeling in her stomach, because truthfully, she just didn't want to talk about it.

She gave a polite nod, because she didn't want to drag Alice into this mess, and she was well aware of how ridiculous it would sound to someone other than herself, because to Alice, it was all very simple, as she was yet another person who absolutely despised Severus Snape; Lily had noticed that there was quite the abundance, especially in Gryffindor house.

"He asked me about you," Alice continued, catching Lily's eyes as she spoke, "wanted to talk to you." Alice had done an awfully successful job of her keeping her tone exceptionally neutral throughout the statement, leaving Lily absolutely unaware as to what direction their encounter could have possibly gone in, and as to whether it could have possibly related to the Lucius incident.

"And what did you say?" Lily found herself prompted to say under the pressure of Alice's gaze, who seemed to be spending too much time looking at Lily, as if she too was trying to gauge some form of reaction before they really reached the heart of the subject.

"I told him that I'm not you and if he wanted to talk to you then he should go and find you and not me." Alice continued: biting back a smile, because she was quite aware of the fact that she found this much more amusing than Lily ever would. Alice knew of Lily and Severus' childhood friendship, but she failed to understand any logical reason as to why she would continue to clutch to a friendship that had long turned sour, and she was only drawn to for nostalgic reasons, and she had pointed this out to Lily several times, but Lily had always remained quite definite in her beliefs that there was somehow so much more to Severus Snape than anyone else could possibly fathom; Alice didn't reckon such a thing to be likely, but she had to admit that Lily knew Severus a hell of a lot better than anyone else did.

"I don't really want to talk to him." Lily found herself admitting, once a minute or so of a comfortable, contemplative silence had passed. "We had this argument yesterday on the platform, and I'm just going to forgive him, but he never learns, because he makes mistakes and then waits a few days and lets me forgive him, and he makes them again, and I-"

"So you're finally seeing sense?" Alice's face fell into a grin, and she brushed her hair out of her face as she leaned in closer to Lily, as if that might somehow encourage her to talk faster.

Lily sighed a little, "I know you think he's-"

"A dick. A major fucking dick. The worst person in the world." Alice took the ever so kind liberty of finishing for her.

Lily offered her an awkward little forced smile, "but they  _ are _ just mistakes. I just wish he would learn. I just wish he wasn't in Slytherin, you know? He's turning into a bad person because he's surrounded with bad people, and I wish I could change that-"

"Just tell him what you honestly think," Alice began, "and if he doesn't like it then that's his problem, because that's when you ditch him and never talk to him again. It's not like you don't have lots of other friends who don't make you worry and feel like shit all the time, is it?" Alice, of course, had a point, because she was always so good with advice, but her limited knowledge of Severus, beyond that of cruel twisted rumours, was limiting her in this instance.

"But I see him in summer and over Christmas: we live in the same town." She reminded Alice, "and our parents are friends, and we're friends, and you know, he's a good guy, he's fun to hang out with when he's not at Hogwarts with other Slytherins."

"Then hang out with him  _ then _ , when he's being nice to you, and ditch him when he isn't, and pretty soon enough he'll get the message and make a decision as to whether he wants to change for the better to keep you as a friend, or lose you as a friend so he can suck up to Malfoy." Alice spat 'Malfoy' like it was a curse word, and Lily did happen to share her dislike for the light haired Slytherin, but she couldn't help but feel slightly withdrawn from the situation; Alice noticed this, and changed the topic slightly. "So what was it then? What was this argument about? What was it that finally gave you the idea that maybe Snape's a dick?"

"He's not a dick. He was  _ being _ a dick." Lily corrected her, although she wasn't entirely sure as to why she bothered at this point.

"Whatever." Alice shrugged it off: confirming Lily's previous thoughts.

"The argument was about James. He was, he was just stepping over a line, really, I-" Lily didn't quite get to finish as Alice's eyes widened once she'd fully managed to process just what Lily had said.

"James?" She exclaimed, "you  _ defended _ James Potter? You're questioning your continued, unexplainable sympathy for Snape because of James?" Alice continued to look at her in disbelief.

Lily nodded: playing it off as nothing, because it  _ was _ nothing, "What Sev was saying was really out of order-"

"Sometimes I wonder if you do actually have a thing for James, you know-"

" _ Alice _ ." Lily narrowed her eyes: shaking her head in disgust at the thought.

"So who would you rather date? Snape or Potter?" Alice continued to ask what was in some degree, the million dollar question.

"Neither!" Lily exclaimed: becoming immediately very stubborn in her tone of voice.

"You  _ have _ to pick-"

"I'm not picking either." She shook her head.

"You kind of already did though,  _ didn't you _ ?"

-

Sirius had received more than a few comments upon the subject of his new hairstyle, which he found himself stuck with for the next week, and in truth, there were a few more negative comments than there were positive ones, even if most of the negative ones weren’t direct insults, as the whole story of the game of truth or dare had gotten around pretty quickly, but somehow Sirius didn’t think that it sucked that he has to wear his hair in a braid for the next week.

In truth, Sirius thought it looked nice, and did a good job of keeping his hair out of his face, which was a problem he faced on a daily basis, and of course, it was punk rock as well, because being able to see and looking cute was punk rock, and well, Remus had done it, and Remus was, although he’d never admit it, infinitely more punk rock than he could ever dream of being. Because Sirius was all aggressively punk rock with leather jackets, combat boots, and loud music, whereas Remus Lupin was so casually punk rock that it caused Sirius pain to see that fucking  _ nerd _ sat in an armchair in a sweater with a copy of a fucking Transfiguration textbook or something, and still look effortlessly cool and punk.

In short, it really wasn’t fucking fair. But it wasn’t like Sirius was  _ jealous _ of Remus, and in truth, he couldn’t quite put it into words, because he wasn’t quite sure what the deal was with Remus at all; he was just very fucking angry as to how effortlessly punk and cooler than him he was, and how Remus was so fucking sarcastic and witty and had Sirius in stitches with very little effort on his part, yet at the very same time, he was so very fucking joyful due to all of this, like he felt blessed to know Remus Lupin, which did sound very pathetic, because he was just this sweater wearing, stupidly tall, not quite so little, little shit, but he was  _ Remus Lupin _ . And the words ‘Remus Lupin’ encompassed more, in terms of emotions, in terms of thoughts, in terms of anything, than Sirius could ever hope to explain

Sirius was certain that if Remus’ hair was long enough and if he ever found himself in a situation where he was wearing his hair in a braid for a week, and getting some kind of vaguely unpleasant remarks for it, he would not give one single fuck at all, or would say something back about the person who’d uttered the comment that would make the whole room go silent and Sirius’ jaw fucking drop. The thing was, however, that Sirius Black  _ wasn’t _ Remus Lupin, and upon finding himself in the situation at hand, he only found himself freaking out slightly.

Well, maybe more than slightly, but that that was all subject to opinion, was it not? There was just this horrible reflex built into his brain that left him assuming things to be his fault - that he not seeing the braid as an issue or much of  _ anything _ in truth, was somehow an issue, and an issue that he was to blame for. There was no point in voicing his concerns, as he was already more than well aware as to just how ridiculous they were, because it was just a fucking hairstyle, and it was just a fucking dare, and it was just a fucking week, and they weren’t even being insulting, they were just-

Just… just… just- In truth, Sirius didn’t know. Because as far as he was concerned, his hair looked nice, and that this didn’t feel like any sort of forfeit or ‘bad luck’,  _ at all _ , and somehow, he found himself far too concerned with what people thought of him for his own good. Being so self-conscious and taking in the opinions of random sixth year Gryffindors called Brian, was never anything intentional or something that he found to consciously hold any value to him, it was just the matter of how appearances and expectations had been hardwired into his brain by his family from a young age.

Sirius was positive that they wouldn’t be too fond of the braid, which suddenly made him just that little bit happier about it, but made him feel just that little bit more pathetic, because why did this matter so much? Why did this matter at all?

Of course, he could just take the braid out, but a dare was a  _ dare _ , and he was Sirius Black, after all; he had a reputation to uphold, even if it was a reputation as a braid wearing motherfucker, because if that was who he had to be, then so be it- or at least, that was a lovely train of thought, until a guy with a nose that was far too big for his face, and a prefect badge displayed far too proudly on his Ravenclaw robes, made his way over to where he and Remus were sat in the courtyard.

Sirius wasn’t entirely sure where James and Peter were, but he imagined that James was chasing after Lily, and that Peter was chasing after James- well, not with the same intent that James was chasing Lily, or at least Sirius didn’t think so - not that he’d be disgusted if Peter was into James, he’d just be very surprised, that’s all, considering the kinds of comments he’d heard Peter make about women in the past, as these were very heterosexual comments indeed.

And in James and Peter’s absence, he’d found himself sat outside with Remus, who was only half heartedly insisting that he should have done his Charms essay that had been set over the summer, much, much sooner, and that he most certainly wouldn’t help him with it this time. Of course, Sirius knew he would, because Remus told him so every time, and in truth, Remus was just far too concerned about Sirius for his own good, because Sirius didn’t care if he didn’t grasp the work that had been set and ended up getting a bad mark, or ended up in detention, but Remus did.

The obnoxiously large nosed Ravenclaw prefect had interrupted their conversation to talk to Remus, which already left Sirius on bad terms with him, because Remus Lupin was  _ his _ friend, thank you very much. “Ah, Remus, are you helping the first years settle in?”

Remus looked up at the guy: somewhat startled, and dumbfounded, because both he and Sirius knew that he most certainly had been absolutely  _ not _ helping the first years settle in. “Uhh… yeah,” in the end, he opted for the least enthusiastic response known to man, hoping that it’d discourage the guy and cause him to just leave them be.

Sirius had cover his snort with a cough: gaining a glare from Remus, and an odd kind of perplexed look from the Ravenclaw, that also managed to scream ‘I’m a fucking douchebag’, which Sirius had to admit, was quite the achievement.

“Having a nice time this week with that hairstyle, Black?” He gestured vaguely towards Sirius’ hair, and at this point, Sirius was indeed considering hexing him, although he was quite aware, that it would oblige Remus to take points from him, which James would inevitably consider an act of treason, and Sirius was not in the mood for another domestic in the dormitories that night.

With hexing out of the window, Sirius found himself forced to express his petty bitter hatred through another form. “Having a nice time this week with that nose- oh wait, I’m sorry, that’s a permanent fixture on your face, isn’t it? Now that  _ really _ must suck.” 

The look on the guy’s face was one thing: an odd kind of horrified, furious expression that made his features contort in on themselves and gave off the impression that his face was decaying in on itself somewhat - all in all, it was far from flattering. However, the  _ gasp _ that Remus let slip was another thing entirely, because Remus wasn’t angry or disappointed, he was just in disbelief, and that disbelief was quickly moulding into a badly bitten back, kind of impressed grin.

“Well judging by that hairstyle, looks like you’re the one doing the  _ sucking,  _ don’t you think, Black?” The guy’s face returned to its normal expression, which admittedly was still rather unpleasant, much like the things coming from his lips, which were very quickly crossing a line. “It’s just a bit  _ queer _ , isn’t it?” He shot a glance in Remus’ direction, before continuing as if Sirius had never been there, “just make sure that the first years don’t get lost okay? You know how they’ll be with lessons, especially the muggleborns. Moving staircases and the like.”

The Ravenclaw began to walk off before Remus could even give him so much of a nod in response, but the kind was, Remus found himself much less than inclined to do so, because there had been a definite  _ line _ there, and he was just- he was just… insanely fucking angry, and in that anger, he found himself considering something  _ very _ stupid, and in that anger, he found himself doing more than just  _ considering  _ it, and before Remus Lupin really knew what was happening, he had his wand pointed at the Ravenclaw casting a jelly legs jinx.

“Fuck…” Sirius managed to choke out: his eyes so weird they were in danger of slipping from their sockets. “Fuck…” He repeated again as he tried his best to comprehend just what had occurred as he watched a nearby Ravenclaw cast the counter jinx upon the large nosed fuckwit. “What the fuck was-”

“We should go.” Remus got to his feet, grabbing Sirius by the wrist and pulling him up with him, “before we get into trouble for that, you know?”

Sirius cracked into a wide grin as they ran out of the courtyard and out into the grounds; the two didn’t stop, nor let go of each other, until they reached the shade of a tree, that lay somewhat hidden away from view, and they sat down with their backs against the trunk: wide grins still plastered across their faces.

“You are the  _ worst _ prefect.” Sirius let out heavy breaths as he attempted to steady his breathing once more. “The absolute  _ worst _ .” He glanced up at Remus and flashed him a proud grin, “I’ve been outdone. Surely, unnecessary jinxing would be my area of expertise?”

“And I thought mine was unnecessary comebacks but that fucking nose comment, oh my… just, fucking hell, Sirius.” Remus couldn’t help but smile somewhat, because the last three minutes was just a continuous string of things they most certainly  _ shouldn’t _ have done, but the way Sirius was just fucking smiling seemed to make up for everything bad in the world. “It was fucking… fucking brutal.”

“By that you mean  _ true _ .” Sirius let a grin settle over his lips as Remus continued to shake his head at him in disbelief. “Almost as ugly as Snivellus, wasn’t he?”

Remus rolled his eyes a little, before leaning into Sirius slightly, “I didn’t jinx him because he was ugly, Sirius, I’m not as shallow as you-”

“Are you calling me  _ shallow _ ?” Sirius exclaimed: just a little too offended, especially considering the truth that Remus’ accusation held.

“Yes.” Remus told him, before continuing as if nothing had been said: leaving Sirius to gasp at him in a state of disbelief. “Well anyway, I jinxed him because he was being a dick, and really it’s sort of justified, isn’t it?”

“He was just making fun of my hair, Moony, you can chill, you know? It’s cool.” Sirius assured him, despite the truth that he greatly appreciated whatever had brought Remus to jinx the dickhead from Ravenclaw. “I know I look pretty and that he’s just  _ jealous _ .” He continued in a dramatised tone of voice, leaving Remus to let out a little involuntarily snort. “Don’t laugh at me, Moony, next thing you’ll be saying that I’m not pretty.”

Remus rolled his eyes, biting back a sappy kind of smile in response. “You’re very pretty,” he added, suddenly feeling every point at which their bodies made contact, and becoming very aware of Sirius and how he sat beside him, just  _ breathing _ , smiling, and living: all bright eyes and ridiculous jokes and massive grins and high cheekbones and a defined jawline and-

“So are you.” Sirius found himself adding without thinking, because perhaps it was just what was on his mind, because Remus was pretty, and maybe it was just one of those things when you accidentally say ‘you too’ in a completely inappropriate situation- or maybe he was just being fucking nice, and anyway, since when did it ever have to hold any meaning, because it was just a  _ thing _ , and it was just a joke, but it was just that his tone maybe wasn’t quite so jokey anymore and-

Sirius jumped slightly as there came the sound of a forced cough from behind the two of them.

“So which one of you was it?” Standing just a metre before them was a redheaded, only vaguely disappointed looking Lily Evans. In truth, as much as she had just learned to accept this kind of thing, she would have thought that James would have been involved in the jinxing of a Ravenclaw prefect, at least, yet she’d had to talk the prefect out of reporting the incident, and she felt better about doing that now she knew it hadn’t saved James from a detention.

“Was what?” Sirius asked, finally managing to somewhat gather his composure.

“The jinx.” She told them: eyebrows raised high. “On that Ravenclaw prefect - Thompson.”

“Oh,  _ that _ ?” Sirius began to laugh it off: letting out an odd kind of ‘pfffft’ sound as he cheeks began to turn an odd shade of pink, “absolutely not any of our business.”

“Really now?” Lily looked very much unconvinced but sat beside Remus nonetheless. “He wanted to take it to McGonagall, you know?” She continued to speak more so to Remus, who only nodded in response. “Get your badge taken off you,” she hoped this might have more of an effect upon the boy, but all in all, Remus was very unfazed by such threats. “Do you not  _ care _ ?”

“He fucking  _ deserved _ it.” Remus very suddenly raised his voice: causing both Sirius and Lily to jump a little. “Sorry.” He cursed under his breath and lowered his voice significantly. “He did, though. He was being a dick to Sirius and then he started being homophobic, and then continued like he had the right to talk to me normally after that, so I fucking jinxed him to take the look off his fucking face.”

“ _ You _ jinxed him?” Lily asked: having assumed that it was Sirius, which was not such a preposterous assumption, considering his history, and Sirius did indeed know that, but being the drama queen that he was, he still made a point of taking offense.

“Why do people  _ always _ blame me?” Sirius began to exclaim, “when  _ he _ , is just as much of a prat as I am, but he’s got his smile and his prefects’ badge and the teachers think well of him so he-”

Lily cut Sirius off: knowing that Remus really wasn’t one for random jinxing, especially of prefects, and that this matter held a tone of severity that had previously been unknown to her. “What exactly did he say, Remus?” 

Remus shrugged slightly, glancing up at Sirius, who was beginning to catch onto what Lily had moments before. “Just some shit about Sirius’ hair, and he was just-”

“He called me queer.” Sirius cut Remus off: recalling what had happened, “said the whole braid thing was a bit queer, and he’s got a point, but it’s not like it matters.” He shrugged the matter of, but Remus Lupin, a bisexual, was not quite so casual in facing the matter.

“Not like it  _ matters _ ? Course it fucking does. It’s using queer is an insult, it’s making out like it’s a bad thing, which is exactly what constitutes as homophobia, and…” Remus stopped himself, wondering just how close he was to outing himself within his mini rant, but honestly, if Sirius hadn’t had any suspicions by this point then he wasn’t going to suddenly come to any kind of epiphany.

“It’s not like I’m gay, though, so, it’s just. Anyway, come on, Moony, it  _ is _ queer, it’s like if I snogged James and then you’re saying that isn’t queer because it’s making out like it’s a bad thing-”

“Sirius, I don’t think having your hair in a braid and kissing James really are the same thing.” Lily added: having been previously silent upon the topic, as in truth, she was unsure as to just what Sirius was aware of in regards to Remus’ sexuality, and she didn’t want to accidentally let anything slip.

“Look, it’s just…” Sirius trailed off, shrugging, “I don’t think it’s worth being upset over, Moony, he’s just being a dick, and I’m fine, I’m not offended or anything.”

Remus nodded: beyond tempted to argue his case, but there was a certain kind of line between them, and today was not the day to cross it.

-

Sirius had found himself in the library, which was easily the last place he saw himself spending a Friday afternoon before the start of his fifth year, especially when he was under no obligation to be there. There was only the matter of Remus and Lily, as Lily had wanted to show Remus something in there, and Remus, being the fucking nerd he was, was more than ready to go to the library, which was much less of Sirius’ scene, but there was just something about today and there was just something about Remus Lupin that changed everything slightly.

Perhaps it was his hair and the comments people made, perhaps it was Remus’ reaction, and in particular, the way he had jinxed that Ravenclaw prefect without even thinking about it, and how this all meant something, and how that something found itself relating to Sirius more than maybe it should. Or perhaps it was simply Sirius relating to it - perhaps this was nothing viewed as something more from his eyes.

But that didn’t change anything as Sirius Black sat rather awkwardly on a chair towards the back of the school library and watched as Remus helped Lily look for a certain book, and found himself wondering just where he would have been right now if he had chosen to go after James and Peter instead of with Remus. He also wondered how James would react to the comments he’d received in regards to his hair - likely with a great deal more anger, but Sirius was unsure as to whether James would have gone as far as to jinx a prefect, which was something that honestly had left him looking at Remus in a whole new light.

“There we go!” Lily pulled a dusty, red covered book from the second to top shelf: using magic of course, as she was nowhere near to tall enough to reach it on her own, however, Sirius didn’t doubt for even a second that Remus was, but that was rather glad that Remus had made no attempt to confirm this, because Sirius, as a certified somewhat short guy, felt personally attacked by Remus Lupin’s mere presence, as he stood there, being fucking tall, and making him look shorter.

Sirius glanced at the title of the book as she slid it onto the table and sat down opposite him, leaving Remus to take the chair beside Sirius, and pulling his long legs up into his lap, and Sirius couldn’t help but notice how he absolutely did  _ not _ fit on that chair at all, and considered offering his lap for Remus to put his legs into, but he realised that perhaps that was maybe a little weird, which of course left him wondering as to how the thought had even gotten into his head in the first place.

“Natural Remedies And Magical Herbs?” Sirius raised his eyebrows slightly: looking at Lily, and then Remus. “And this book about how to make camomile tea is important, how?”

Remus shoved him slightly, rolling his eyes a little, “fuck off.” Sirius pouted at him, leaning back in his chair and watching as Remus adjusted his hair so it didn’t fall across his face quite so much. “It’s not about how to make camomile tea.”

“And how would you know?” Sirius hit him with a smirk, “what would be the point in showing you a book you have already read-”

“It’s not about chamomile tea.” Lily interrupted Sirius with a half hearted kind of glare, “there’s something in here about this healing kind of potion thing that I think would be good for that scar,” she looked up at Remus, looking to see if he might twitch or have some kind of breakdown at the mention of the scar, but to her surprise, he didn’t even seem to take note of its mention.

“Is this it?” Sirius let out a rather childish sounding groan, causing Lily to let out a laugh, as she tried to fathom what Sirius could have possibly been expecting.

“Well, I wanted to show Remus this, and-” she began to explain, but Sirius, being the fucking dramatic piece of shit he was, just wasn’t having any of that.

“I thought you guys were like constantly plotting shit in here, or something? Like I don’t know, James’ demise, or something.” At that, Remus let out a full and rather loud laugh: laughing with his whole body and looking genuinely beautiful, and Sirius had to ignore the way his heart was skipping slightly in favour of attempting to disguise the slight flush to his cheeks.

“You’re such a fucking drama queen.” Remus told him as he caught his breath, “not everything is all theatrics and drama - sometimes it is just natural remedies and magical herbs.” He flashed Sirius that beautiful Remus Lupin smile, and he melted back into his seat a little, and more importantly, shut the fuck up.

“He has a point.” Lily added, before opening the book and glancing down the contents page, “anyway, let me find this for you. I hope it’ll have some effect, because really I can’t imagine what it’s like with that across your face, you know?” She offered Remus a sympathetic smile.

“It’s not that bad, you know? For the most part, people feel too awkward to say anything.” Remus only shrugged, and watched as she flicked to a certain page and pushed the book across the table to him. “You’re going to have to help me with this, you know?” He let out a stifled kind of laugh as he scanned over the ingredients list.

And in the presence of Remus and his scar, Sirius suddenly felt very guilty and very pathetic for ever thinking that a dare to wear his hair in a braid had ever been any kind of issue, because there was Remus fucking Lupin, his best fucking friend, with a scar across his face and facing a painful transformation every single fucking month for something that was anything but his fault. Sirius bit his lip slightly and rested his head in his hands, watching as Remus continued to look over the textbook: all stupidly long eyelashes and pink lips parted slightly.

“Oh shut up, Remus, you’re plenty good at potions, I will not let you put yourself down.” Lily let out a slight sigh, and flashed Sirius an odd kind of smile from across the table, that left him blushing again, and this time for reasons he couldn’t even fathom explaining, because in truth, there were just a lot of things going on in his head that made absolutely no sense at all, and in truth, maybe that was okay. Maybe he didn’t have to completely have himself in order already - he was only fifteen, after all.

“I wasn’t talking to you.” He looked up: seeming to smile out of only half of his mouth.

Lily raised her eyebrows slightly: not offended, but intrigued, and following Remus’ gaze over to Sirius, who was less good at potions, to put it politely, but in all honesty, it wasn’t that Sirius wasn’t clever, because he really was, it was just that his fucking around in class to actually doing work ratio was way out of balance.

“Me?” Sirius finally seemed to get the picture and let out an awkward kind of choking sound that maybe have been mistaken for actual speech.

“Yeah,” Remus told him: his smile developing and taking over his lips completely, “because for this, we might need to make a little trip to Slughorn’s supply cupboard.”

“ _ Oh _ ,” Sirius’ face immediately lit up into a grin, “and I would have thought better of you, Moony, as the prestigious, and respectable prefect that you undoubtably are.” Remus gave him a gentle shove again, because, he was a good prefect, he  _ was _ trying, sort of…

“I am not encouraging anything, by the way.” Lily leaned back in her chair, “the trouble that you two chose to get yourself in is-”

“Not going to happen.” Remus finished for her, “because we’re not going to get caught, are we?” He glanced across at Sirius for reassurance, who gave him a rather delayed nod: finding himself not quite as optimistic as Remus seemed to be.

“If you say so.” Lily seemed to share Sirius’ lack of optimism: having heard more than a few stories of their late night ventures through the school and indeed the consequences of them.

“No, we’re not, because you know what? It’s always either James or Peter who gets us caught, and they’re not coming with us.” Remus did sound a bit like a prat in saying so, but he did have a point, and his point lay rather truthful.

“But we’re taking James’ invisibility cloak, are we?” Sirius grinned at him, because this Remus Lupin who jinxed prefects and suggested they break into Slughorn’s supply cupboard, was his favourite Remus Lupin, by far.

Remus was about to respond, but Lily’s jaw dropped slightly as she exclaimed, “he has an  _ invisibility cloak _ ?”

Remus let out a snort, and flashed Sirius a questioning look. “He does.” He opted for in the end, wondering just what James could be doing with that invisibility cloak that meant he didn’t want Lily to know about its existence.

Sirius seemed to share Remus’ train of thought and only added, “watch out, Evans,” which was pretty useless advice considering the whole invisible nature of the problem. “ _ Well _ , not watch, because you wouldn’t be able to see him stalking you, so… you must punch all the air around you at all times, and hope you eventually  _ might _ punch him in the face.”

“And  _ I’m _ the ‘traitor’.” Remus snorted, rolling his eyes a little, but nowhere near even relatively angry, because how could he be, as Sirius Black sat there, being so absent mindedly beautiful, and taking Remus apart from the inside.

-


	5. The Great Wanking Adventure

"I'm just saying, Pete, that whoever hexed that prefect is my new hero." James Potter was sprawled out across his bed upon his back: arms and legs dangling off the edges of bed at weird angles, and like this, Peter found himself thinking that James' legs did appear that little bit too long for his body - this was of course, nothing in comparison to Remus'.

Remus Lupin was all skinny and long limbs and awkward hands that were far bigger than he was used to; you could perhaps argue that Remus hadn't really  _ grown _ at all, but had simply been stretched vertically over the summer, because it wouldn't be ridiculous to suggest that over half of his body consisted of just his legs, but of course with Remus' habit of wearing long, oversized sweaters, it was sometimes difficult to pinpoint exactly  _ where _ his legs actually began.

James, however, even with his long legs, and being in that stage of somewhat awkwardly tall, had managed to make it work for himself. Perhaps this was down to James' natural instinct to just roll with whatever was thrown at him and grin and lie his way through the world if needs be - as long as no one he cared for got hurt, of course, because James was a little crazy and out of control, but there was  _ of course _ a limit, and that limit lay when someone he cared for was in danger. Perhaps it was down to the fact that James played quidditch, but it wasn't really that James had real muscles or anything.

In truth, Peter wasn't entirely sure what it was with all of his best friends having long legs and some of them making it work better than others. He brushed such thoughts from his mind, and as he sat on his bed, only half listening to the nonsense James was spewing from his lips as he turned off his thought to speech filter in aid of conversation, and took a moment to be thankful for Sirius Black: a fellow soldier in the war against tall people. Of course, Sirius was still taller than him, but at least he was under six foot.

"I'm not saying that I'm against _all_ prefects, just, you know? Most of them." James continued: his hands waving wildly as he spoke, because James Potter was all extravagant gestures accompanied by dramatised over exaggerated stories; he was living proof that actions could _not_ speak louder than words, and Peter was rather certain that whoever had coined that saying had never once met anyone at all like James Potter. "And I mean, it's not _uncalled_ for, is it? Prefects are dicks." He glanced in Pete's direction, perhaps having noticed his friend's silence as the two sat in the dormitory.

Peter was in two minds in regards to the subject. In truth, Peter was in two minds about a lot of things; he found himself to be very indecisive, and largely very unsure of himself, which was something he projected into his speech and world view. He tended to regard James as the voice of reason, for the most part, of course, as when he was being exceptionally stupid, Pete did have it within him to disagree it and tell him so, but when it came to situations such as these, where Peter just didn't quite know what to think, he went with James' opinion, because he trusted his word, as he trusted James, because if James Potter had one good thing going for him, he was  _ loyal _ . Peter wasn't going to tell him that though, because he'd moan on about it being a Hufflepuff thing and how he was so much more courageous than that, which would serve to proof just exactly why he hadn't been placed into Hufflepuff.

"Most of them." Peter finally answered with a slight nod. "I mean, it's not like they  _ ask _ to become a prefect is it? It's their job, I mean, I don't fancy going against McGonagall, do you?" He gave James a  _ look _ , because of course, James took the greatest pleasure in doing just that.

"Yeah, that's why she makes all the stuck up prats prefects, isn't it-"

"Remus is a prefect." The words were out of Peter's lips before he could even really think about what he was doing.

James' eyes widened slightly, as if to convey a silent and suppressed 'oh shit', as he made quite the point of closing his mouth and sitting up: crossing his legs in the middle of the bed as he turned to face Peter, who was looking over him, not with disgust, as James' worst fears had expected, but with a certain inquisitiveness.

"I don't mean it like that." James' voice came out in the form of something like a low mumble: accompanied by a flushed tone to his cheeks. "I don't mean  _ Remus _ . Course I don't mean Remus. I mean, come on, he's not a proper prefect, is he? He's not a prat. He's just-  _ why _ did McGonagall make him a prefect? Do you think it would be out of order to just go down to her office and ask for a full explanation?" James' tone held a sense of sincerity that would have shocked Peter in first year, but by now, he had long since gotten accustomed to.

" _ Yes _ !" Peter stressed, brushing his hair away from his face as he met James' gaze, attempting to make some sort of a point.

"I'm going to-" James got up off his bed: determination set in his eyes.

" _ James _ !" Peter raised his voice, which, in earnest, shocked the both of them, and in the somewhat deafening silence that followed, James found it best to perhaps just sit back down on his bed.

"Does McGonagall think Remus is a prat?" James looked more offended than anything else. "Because I just can't have her  _ thinking _ that- of course he's not a-"

"If McGonagall chose prefects based on who she thought was a prat," Peter began, taking a deep breath before he continued, "you'd be head boy." Again, there was somewhat of a stunned silence that followed, before James burst into a fit of laughter and fell onto his back.

"True, true." He exclaimed between laughs. "I mean, Lily- fuck, I don't. Lily isn't a prat." James looked mortified at the possibility of ever saying such a thing. "Maybe prefects aren't I- Maybe it's just the Ravenclaws. I mean, Gryffindors are fine. Obviously, as the best house, we have the best prefects, don't we?"

"I think McGonagall choses prefects based on who is best at following the rules." Peter suggested a far more logical answer.

James, however, shook his head and let out a laugh. "Remus Lupin follows the rules? Yeah, and I'm a Slytherin!"

"He's better behaved than us, that's all I'm saying."

However, unbeknownst to the two of them, it was at that very moment in time, as James and Peter sat up in their dormitories talking, that Sirius and Remus were attempting to infiltrate Slughorn's supply cupboards.

-

Remus and Sirius had been the first back to their dormitory after dinner; James had been doing something stupid in order to catch Lily's attention as Peter had stood there and told him what a bad idea it was as James continued to ignore him.

It wasn't like they wanted to avoid their friends, it was just the matter of keeping this little 'operation' from James, because knowing him, he'd be insistent upon joining in, and Remus knew all too well that that was precisely when and how things would go wrong and they'd all end up in detention.

Sirius liked pranking with James, but he decided that he liked not being in detention much more than he liked looking after James' feelings, so with that in mind he had taken the invisibility cloak from where it was rather poorly hidden under his bed, and the two had made their way out of the dormitory with it in Sirius' pocket.

Sirius had also resigned to let Remus take charge of this, because as much as he wanted to have his say offer what were of course ideas of the highest calibre, he knew that Remus, well, Remus just had this  _ knack _ for not getting into trouble, especially when he deserved to be, that had materialised itself in the form of the a badge pinned to his chest, which displayed the word 'prefect'. Sirius wasn't quite sure if he was jealous or not, or indeed as to just  _ what _ he was feeling, but that feeling of uncertainty and several thousands of screaming question marks in his head was something rather common for him upon the subject of Remus Lupin, so with that in mind, he discarded it and came to realise that he wasn't  _ actually _ listening to a single word Remus was actually saying as the two walked through the corridors, but instead only staring at his jaw.

"...and so I think it's going to be fine for us, as long as you get out of your own ass long enough just to  _ listen _ to me." Sirius only caught the end of Remus' sentence, but from the content of it, he wasn't entirely sure as to whether he was exactly raring to hear the first half. "Are you even listening to me?" Remus turned to him: all raised eyebrows and hair pushed back out of his face, and Sirius suddenly felt  _ very _ nervous for reasons he couldn't quite explain, because it was just  _ Remus _ , it was just Moony, and he was somewhat of a fucking mess. " _ Sirius _ ?" He asked again: noting the rather vacant, glossed over look to Sirius' eyes, and regarding it with a mild level of concern.

"Oh... uhh... I..." Sirius found himself stumbling over his words as his cheeks began to heat up.

"No." Remus finished for him, rolling his eyes, "course not." He then grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him across the corridor and behind a suit of armour, and  _ somehow _ into a passageway that Sirius hadn't even known to exist.

Sirius blinked at the dark, somewhat damp surroundings and grimaced, because this was definitely in his top five least pleasant passageways in the school. "Any reason why we're here?" He asked, glancing around, but finding it almost impossible to see anything in the darkness. "What's wrong with just taking the corridor, huh?"

"This goes right into the back of Slughorn's classroom, you know?" Remus told him: his face bearing a smirk that he was rather disappointed that Sirius couldn't see through the dark. "More efficient, don't you think?"

"Debatable." Sirius shrugged: pulling his hand out of Remus' grip and running his fingers along the wall.

"Means we don't have to walk past an excessive amount of Slytherins." Remus offered, knowing just how this would change Sirius' opinion before he had even spoke.

"Okay, yeah, now I get it." Sirius made a step forward, but found himself somewhat lost in the darkness, and slipped, nearly landing flat on his face, and in fact would have done so, if Remus didn't have those heightened senses that him reaching back out for Sirius' arm and gripping it tightly as he managed to retain his balance. " _ Fuck _ ..." He exhaled deeply: his eyes golden brown saucers amidst the gloom. "Fucking hell, Moony."

Remus let out a laugh: leaning comfortably back against the wall of the passageway and watching as Sirius' face seemed to contort into a dozen different emotions before settling upon one of relief, as he tightened his grip on Remus and turned to face him: managing to make out his face at a close distance. It was just then, that Remus came to realise that when he had reached for Sirius' arm, he had indeed missed somewhat, as the two of them, were... well... nothing short of holding hands in a dark, damp passageway to the back of Slughorn's room.

Sirius blushed a lovely shade of scarlet and pulled his hand away, however immediately finding himself to feel just that little bit less safe without Remus' grip upon his hand. "It's too dark." He groaned: his voice accompanied by a whining tone.

Remus let out a chuckle and pulled his wand from his pocket, holding it out, and muttering, "lumos," causing his wand to emit a ball of white light that served the purpose of illuminating the passage around them.

"Didn't think of that." Sirius muttered: feeling incredibly stupid and incredibly flustered as he pushed his hair back behind his ear.

Remus hit him with a smile, holding his wand out down the passageway, before beginning to step forward: Sirius just a little behind him.

"So," Sirius found himself breaking the silence no more than ten seconds later: his voice cracking slightly as he spoke, which was something that he tried and  _ failed _ to cover with a cough.

"So?" Remus gave a nod in his direction as they continued down the passageway.

"This passageway," Sirius gestured awkwardly around him as they spoke: as if Remus might somehow not know just which dark passageway that they were currently walking through that he might be referring to. "How exactly did you find it? Because I don't know this one, and that means that James doesn't know it, and that  _ certainly _ means that Peter doesn't know it."

"I know lots of things you guys don't." Remus' tone was far too casual for Sirius' liking, because he did just want to know  _ everything _ about Remus Lupin. Not in a creepy way, or at least he hoped that the way in which he was thinking wasn't creepy- he just... there was just  _ something _ enthralling about Remus that he couldn't quite explain.

"Such as?" Came Sirius' response.

"This passageway." Remus told him, narrowing his eyes.

"And how did you come to encounter it?" Sirius grew somewhat impatient by this point.

Remus bit his lip, because in truth, he'd found himself down on here with Zach earlier in the year, having been out walking through the castle after hours with him, and well, they'd kind of been doing more than walking-  _ but _ that was besides the point. They'd had to hide down here to avoid being caught out of bed.

However, there was of course absolutely no way in hell he was detailing any of that to Sirius, especially not as they stood in a passageway to Slughorn's room, or maybe even  _ ever _ , so he went with his go to excuse for whenever any of his friends asked him how he knew something. "It's in Hogwarts: A History." Because if Remus was sure of anything, it was that Sirius, Peter, or James would never actually go as far as reading it to check, or indeed for any other reason.

Sirius' eyes widened slightly. "Oh." And they continued down to the end of passageway.

-

There had been little point in stealing- or borrowing without permission as Sirius had insisted that it was, since Slughorn was apparently absent from his classroom, his office, and his supply cupboard. It was assumed, by Remus, at least, that the aforementioned would have made their task take less time and that they'd be out of there within minutes, but Sirius seemed to be absolutely fascinated by the prospect of Slughorn's unlocked, empty office, and was utterly determined to find something of vague value or interest somewhere within the midsts of paperwork and various unfinished and somewhat unnerving looking potions.

Remus had even managed to fetch what they'd needed from the supply cupboard with relative ease within the space of no more than five minutes, and had even grabbed a bag from the corner of the room to wrap the ingredients up in before shoving them into his pocket. He now, however, simply stood at Slughorn's office door and peered in, watching Sirius with curiosity.

The shorter of the two boys was sat in Slughorn's chair-  _ well _ , sat was one way of putting it, because from the way he was leaning back in it with both legs up onto Slughorn's desk at odd angles, and his head bent over his lap as he glanced over a piece of parchment in his hands, Remus was just unsure as to whether you could call it sitting.

Sirius wore a puzzled expression upon his face: dark, neatly shaped eyebrows (Remus seriously wondered if Sirius plucked them because who the fuck just had their eyebrows naturally grow so perfectly?) furrowed and pushed upwards to complement the dark, somewhat brooding look to his eyes. All in all, Remus was a little perplexed.

"Sirius?" Remus finally found it within himself to speak up: one hand resting on the doorframe as he stood half way in and halfway out of the room. Dark hair went flying as Sirius' head shot up immediately in response to the sound of Remus' voice: it was sort of like a reflex, really. "And what part of Slughorn's private life are you invading currently?" He dared to ask, because really, Remus Lupin was pretty certain he just wasn't interested in the intricate details of his potions professor's private affairs.

Sirius bit his lip in a way that left Remus Lupin feeling somewhat personally victimised, and placed the piece of parchment back down on Slughorn's desk. "This is not his private life. This concerns us. This is a _serious_ matter." Remus hit him with a look of dubiety as he pulled his legs from Slughorn's desk and placed them back down upon the stone carpeted floor. " _Come on_ _Moony_ , when have I ever lied to you?"

"That time when you said that you didn't copy my Transfiguration essay, that time when you said you didn't know anything about my favourite sweater that had gone missing, but then I found it with a hole-" Remus began to count off examples on his fingers as he stood at the door.

Sirius met him with a pleading gaze: all puppy dog eyes and a hopeful smile, "that's not what I mean, I just-..." He kicked at the desk absent mindedly. "Come on, Moony, just have a look." He gestured towards the piece of parchment, and with a sigh, Remus unfolded his arms and made his way across the room to Sirius' side. He took a moment to remind himself that this was obviously a bad idea, since it had been Sirius who'd come up with it, and that Slughorn could be back at any time and that it really would just be better if they left whilst they still had the ingredients they came for in the first place. Yet, despite that, Remus found himself looking over Sirius' shoulder with interest.

"The Slug Club list?" Remus gave Sirius a look: unsure as to just what on the list of Slughorn's favourite prats had Sirius quite so captivated. Sirius gave a nod, before pointing to one name at the bottom of the list with his index finger. "Lily Evans?" Remus read aloud: his voice cracking somewhat as he did so. "What? She's not even a Slytherin- isn't the Slug Club comprised entirely of Slytherins?"

Sirius shook his head, "seems not." He gave an awkward sort of grimace as he pushed at the list upon the desk. "I don't know what he wants with her at his little club of privileged prats. I don't know why she'd want to go, I mean-" He stopped, his eyes falling upon another name. "Severus Snape." He groaned, leaning further back in Slughorn's chair.

"Lily's brilliant at potions. That's why he wants her there. She doesn't have to go. Sure, Severus might drag her along but-" Remus was cut off by a harsh kind of abrupt laugh on Sirius' part.

" _ Severus _ ?" He glared at Remus in disbelief, "oh are you and  _ Severus _ on a first name basis now, Moony?"

Remus rolled his eyes, because Sirius was so sensitive and such a fucking drama queen. "Oh fuck off."

Sirius grinned up at Remus, before leaning forward and taking the pot of ink from the desk and ' _ accidentally'  _ spilling it across the list. "There we go." He looked down at the mess he'd made with a rather smug look upon his face.

"And what exactly did that accomplish?" Remus stepped back, wanting to make it clear that he wasn't involved with this - to who, he wasn't at all sure, but he wanted to make a point, and he was going to make a point.

"She's not on the list anymore. I am  _ saving _ her. This is an act of bravery and courage here, Moony, you should be giving me points, don't you think?" Sirius flashed him a smirk as he got up from Slughorn's chair and followed Remus to the office door.

"Giving you points?" Remus scoffed: all wide eyes and a look of disbelief. "For vandalising a teacher's property, and even making an effort to be discreet about it?"

"That's harsh." Sirius looked genuinely offended as the two made their way across the classroom and towards the passageway.

"I could be taking them." Remus narrowed his eyes as he opened the passageway door.

"You wouldn't  _ dare _ ."

And Remus only smirked as the two disappeared into the passageway just as the classroom door gave a creak as it began to open.

-

Peter was half asleep by the time the dormitory door opened: revealing a rather giddy looking Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, which created a shared sense of confusion between Peter and James, who had only been marginally concerned as to the whereabouts of their friends, on the basis that Remus did often go and spend time with Lily, and perhaps it wasn't that unheard of for Sirius to get dragged along - absolutely treacherous, yes, but unheard of? No.

That, of course, didn't mean that the two weren't going to be bombarded with questions as they stood just before the door: grins on their faces, and eyes meeting in ways that only they could fathom to understand. James wasn't jealous. Totally wasn't jealous. Because that grin totally wasn't a 'we just pulled some epic shit' grin. But it was. And James was very jealous, and very confused.

"And where exactly have you two been?" James practically leapt off the end of his bed at the two of them: speaking in a tone of voice that was some odd cross between his mother and professor McGonagall, but whatever, he'd tried - you had to give him that. Peter, however, only remained on his bed, only slightly amused by the whole situation.

"Who are you?" Remus scoffed, brushing his hair from his eyes as he looked over James in a state of amused disbelief. "My mother?"

"Yes." James put one hand on his hip, "I mean, I'm already acting as Sirius' mum, as his actual one isn't fit for the job, so don't put it past me to act as yours, Remus."  Peter had now looked up, and was slightly confused as to just what the fuck could possibly be going on, however as he watched James step forward and pull Remus into a hug, whilst proclaiming, "my child!" he thought it better just to close his eyes and pretend he was asleep.

"James-" Remus protested: groaning slightly as he felt his insides being constricted in James' grip.

"Shush." James laughed and reached up to pat his head gently, before pulling away and glancing between the two of them once more. "Seriously, where were you? Were you doing shit without me, because you know I-"

"James, I do lots of things without you." Remus let out a sigh, glancing in Sirius' direction for some hope of help here, but Sirius was indeed as useless, and as pretty, as ever. Remus continued to stare at him for just another second longer than necessary, in order to really appreciate his cheekbones, because they were there for a reason, and Remus was certain that this reason was so he could appreciate them... in a  _ totally _ platonic way. Of course.

"Like what?" James looked unconvinced, and to some degree, offended.

There were, of course,  _ dozens _ and  _ dozens _ of things, perfectly innocent things, he did without James present, but the first thing that just happened to come to mind, well... that wasn't quite so innocent. "Wank."

"Remus!" Peter let out a cry of pain from his bed as Sirius exploded into a fit of laughter. "I did not need to hear that, I'm-"

"Pete, would you rather it was something I did with James present?" Remus raised his eyebrows, failing in biting back a smirk as he watched Peter groan into the bed in disgust.

"You can do whatever you want in your alone time with James, I'm not interested, as long as I don't hear about it." Peter then rolled over: facing away from his friends and threw his head under the covers.

"Sorry, mate, but you're not wanking with me." James placed a hand on Remus' shoulder and let out a sigh: speaking with a grave tone, as if he was telling someone that their mother had died. Remus only rolled his eyes in response, whereas Sirius was practically dying with laughter: cheeks flushed pink.

"I wasn't planning on it-" Remus announced, attempting to push past James and go to his bed, but James' grip on his shoulder was unexpectedly strong, and left him stood at the door, whilst Sirius was free to saunter off amidst his laughing fit like the piece of shit he was.

"Honestly, where did you go?" There was a certain pleading tone to James' voice now, and it left Remus wondering just what about this whole ordeal had him quite so worked up, but of course, it was James Potter, and he was both exceptionally arrogant and exceptionally nosy, yet somehow,  _ somehow _ , his good qualities managed to outweigh the aforementioned.

"To have a wank." Sirius spoke up from his end of the room, turning to flash them a grin, which soon became a smirk at the sight of Remus' rather mortified expression.

" _ What _ ?" James practically screeched, and Peter let out a groan from under the covers, which the others chose to largely ignore.

"He's not being serious-" Remus began, but soon came to regret his entire existence as he realised just  _ what _ he had said.

"Yes I am, I am being serious. I am Sirius. I am always serious. I am always Sirius." Sirius exclaimed, before falling back onto his bed: laughing like a fucking idiot. Remus had to make an effort not to laugh; Sirius had this fucking contagious laugh and contagious grin, and fucking infectious smile, and  _ fuck _ -

"There was no wanking involved." Remus clarified: meeting James' eyes, and feeling his insides churning at the thought, because his own dick and Sirius Black in the same thought was really  _ not _ the kind of thought he needed to have when three people were watching.

"Not tonight." Sirius gave James a smirk. "Not tonight at least."

Remus threw his hands up in the air and pulled himself away from James. "I'm going to bed. I don't want to participate in this conversation any longer."

"I've been in bed and I've been forced to participate so far!" Peter pulled his head out from under the covers to let out a rather frustrated screech of a complaint.

"No one's forcing you to do anything, Pete." Sirius pulled a smile over his lips. "I think you secretly love hearing about me and Moony's great wanking adventure-"

" _ Stop _ ." Remus groaned, burying his face in his hands as he threw himself down onto his bed.

"Well, that's not something I thought I'd hear you say today." James let out a sigh, accepting the situation as is, "but, you are full of surprises, aren't you?" Sirius winked at him, leaving James to get back onto his bed: utterly unsure as to the legitimacy of 'The Great Wanking Adventure', and as to just what Sirius and Remus could be up to if not that.

-

It was excessively cold for September. That may have had something to do with the fact that it was literally thirteen minutes past six in the fucking  _ morning _ , which was the definition of treachery, so James could literally go fuck himself, in Sirius' opinion... but no offense indeed or anything, James was still his best friend... there was just the matter of  _ this _ .

It was Saturday morning and Sirius Black stood on the quidditch pitch, shivering like it was all he was made to do, as he regretted every decision he'd ever made in his life. The thing was, that most of the decisions which Sirius ended up making were in one way or another linked to James Potter, who was just horribly loud, horribly influential, and horribly opinionated, and somehow not freezing his fucking ass, which was a modern miracle to Sirius.

Because if it meant standing out on the quidditch pitch with his git of a best friend at six in the morning on a Saturday, Sirius wasn't quite so sure he wanted to be on the quidditch team anymore, which was what he'd grumbled at James  _ earlier _ that morning when he'd first tried to get him out of bed, but James had simply smiled at him and told him that he was already on the team whether he liked it or not, and that he was  _ going _ to help him with the try outs.

Sirius had made quite the show out of groaning and complaining loudly, and took great pleasure in waking both Peter and Remus up, because even though they didn't have to go out and do shit at the fucking butt crack of dawn, they were going to be sure to know that Sirius Black was suffering through it and needed their sympathies. Of course, in reality, Sirius got anything  _ but _ sympathies: a sleep deprived, poorly enunciated 'fuck off' from Peter, and a smirk from Remus, before the two had simply gone back to sleep and James had dragged him outside.

Sirius still wasn't entirely sure as to just why James felt like ruining everyone's life by holding the try outs so early, as upon the multiple occasions on which he had asked, James had responded with little more than a string of bullshit, which had Sirius rolling his eyes and attempting to get to sleep whilst stood up and freezing his ass off.

People were starting to arrive now, and they all looked just as exhausted as Sirius did, and Sirius really couldn't figure out for the life of him just  _ why _ they'd needed to get down here so fucking early - he could have sworn he'd remembered James suggesting the time of 'ten o'clock' to Marlene McKinnon, which was perfectly reasonable, and something Sirius would have been absolutely content with, but no, James had to go and be the royal prat he was, and do... well, whatever the fuck he was doing.

"So!" James began to address the crowd of Gryffindors that had gathered before them on the quidditch pitch, giving Sirius a minor heart attack in doing so, as he'd found himself driving off into his own world as James had been prancing about doing whatever he had been doing, because Sirius still wasn't at all sure as to how you needed to particularly prepare for watching some overeager third years fly around like giddy little mosquitos on broomsticks until one of them inevitable flew into something and had to go to the hospital wing with concussion or something.

Sirius, well, he wasn't a morning person, to say the least.

"You think you've got what it takes to be on the Gryffindor quidditch team?" He asked the crowd, and some of the more awake students gave a nod. "Come on! Enthusiasm! Answer!" James yelled back, leaving Sirius to glance back up at the castle and mentally curse McGonagall for ever thinking that this may have been somewhat of a good idea. He was sure she'd had good intentions - either that or she'd been drunk at the time, but well, the reality was anything but pleasant.

"That's why we're here so early, you know?" James continued, prancing around as he spoke like he was the world's biggest fucking idiot, as Sirius continued to groan and be generally bitter. "Because you guys, you're the dedicated bunch. You really want to be on the team because you got out bed so early, don't you?" There were a few nods, but Sirius was a good ninety seven percent sure that James had just made that up off the top of his head. Sirius was a good ninety seven percent sure that James made everything he said up off the top his head.

"Right, okay," He glanced across at Sirius for a brief moment of moral support; Sirius only glared. "How do you think we should do this, come on, Sirius," he gestured the excessively reluctant fifteen year old across the pitch and to his side. "How do you think we should go about this?"

"Did you not think about that before getting me out of bed at fucking quarter to six this morning?" Sirius shot him a glare and groaned, before glancing across the small crowd again, and finding himself recognising a few people, who maybe weren't actually whiny third years or complete assholes. After a brief moment, he decided that the best hope for this team was Marlene McKinnon who stood on the back row, picking at her nail polish.

"Sirius, mate, I-"

"Just get into fucking..." Sirius trailed off, making eye contact with a second year, a literal twelve year old as he spewed the 'f word' from his lips. His eyes widened slightly, before deciding that it was too early to actually give a fuck, and it wasn't like twelve year olds hadn't heard the word 'fuck' before. "Lines." He finished, finding himself making eye contact with Marlene, who had actually looked up now that he'd started talking. "Get into lines. Like a line for beaters, and keepers, you know?"

"Thanks for your input, Sirius." James placed a comforting hand on Sirius' shoulder and gave him a patronising dickhead smile, before letting out a sigh and noticing the shared look between Marlene and Sirius. "Yeah... okay, maybe, let's go with that." 

And with that, James turned around before people caught sight of the red flush to his cheeks. Sirius, however, did very much notice, and it was in the same way that he very much noticed the grin upon Marlene's lips. And in conclusion, Sirius Black stood on the quidditch pitch, freezing his ass off at half six in the morning, as he struggled to comprehend just what had gone on between James Potter and Marlene McKinnon within the space of literally three seconds.

-

The thing was that Marlene knew exactly what was going on, and exactly why they were out before the sun had even properly risen, and to some degree, it was down to her, but regardless of that, it was for the better. That hardly subtracted from the fact that being in James Potter's company so early in the morning was horrifically unpleasant, but that wasn't the point here, because that wasn't how she would have things in an ideal world, not at all. It was simply the matter of what she'd overheard yesterday.

The matter of the Slytherin quidditch team, and the matter of their tryouts, which had  _ coincidentally _ been scheduled on the same day, and furthermore, the matter of a certain someone who happened to be trying out for the team.

There was also the matter that no one wanted to be near James Potter and Lucius Malfoy when they were in each other's vicinity, you know, for general health and safety reasons, but in truth, that wasn't the main reason they were stood out here so early in the morning, because this wasn't about arrogant little shit James Potter, but about his arrogant little shit of a best friend.

Sirius was currently playing, and looked as if he was fighting an internal battle not to just  _ accidentally _ let a couple of big headed third years get hit in the face by a bludger, as opposed to doing anything about it. Marlene was pretty sure that Sirius was secretly having a great time though, despite the scowl upon his face, because that was Sirius Black: Hogwart's biggest drama queen.

There was, of course, more to him than that, which was something that Marlene had found herself almost astoundingly well aware of recently, due to things she'd picked up from Lily, without her auburn haired friend really realising, and of course, the rumours that went around the school with no regard for sense or reason. She had found herself dismissing these rumours as bullshit up until recently, as this had been the approach Sirius had taken, and had indeed made quite the show out of taking, but with what she'd picked up from Lily, she had suddenly become rather aware of how things just seemed to have added up perfectly.

James had of course been rather startled when she'd first mentioned it to him: having not even vaguely considered the possibility that anyone besides him, Remus, and Peter, would have cared about Sirius so much. And it wasn't that Marlene was particularly focused upon Sirius himself, it was just the fact that it wasn't fair, and she didn't want there to be a big mess made when with James' assistance there was a perfectly viable method to avoid it. James had been happy to help, if not a little intimidated by her and how much she seemed to have figured out, but Marlene had dismissed that as not being anything personal, but instead relating to the fact that James Potter was perhaps excessively useless when it came to having conversations with girls that lasted longer than about four seconds.

"So..." James had spent the last seven minutes planning how he might casually begin a conversation with a rather stern looking Marlene McKinnon on the sidelines of the quidditch pitch; he may as well not have bothered as the best he managed was an awkward slide next to her, which resulted in him tripping and falling backwards, only for Marlene to grab him by the arm and pull him back up with the kind of glare a mother would give a particularly idiotic child, which was a fairly accurate description of James Potter, in all honestly.

"Alright?" She asked him: eyebrows raised as she finally let go of his arm: looking him over with concern that perhaps he might not be capable of standing on his own two legs without assistance.

"Y-yeah..." James stammered out a response, and found himself fixating his eyes firmly upon the quidditch pitch, and watching the potential players, as he should have been doing, since that was something like the whole point of being out of bed this early, but he found himself rather distracted, and indeed rather concerned. "I mean, I just-" He let out a sigh, finally bringing himself to turn to Marlene and meet her eyes, " _ Sirius _ ."

"Sirius." Marlene repeated and gave a nod.

"I hope- I..." James found himself unsure as to just what Marlene could possibly know and didn't want to reveal anything she didn't, and therefore found himself treading carefully past landmines in conversation. "I mean, at home... he... things aren't good for him, and I..."

Marlene nodded, "he definitely wins shittiest parents award. By far." She glanced out across the pitch and followed Sirius with her eyes for a moment. "He's anything but a Black. He really is anything but."

"I feel like that is definitely largely my fault." James found himself grinning a little now, as he thought back to the timid shadow of himself that eleven year old Sirius Black had been in the Gryffindor common room that first night. "But that's a good thing. A good kind of corruption... because no one should be like them."

Marlene gave a nod: finding herself in the unexpected position of  _ agreeing _ with James Potter. "So his brother's-"

"Not  _ entirely _ ." James finished: finding the subject somewhat uncomfortable, because in truth, he didn't know if he was at all qualified to answer such a question, because in truth, James knew very little about Regulus Black at all, because if there was one thing that Sirius' mouth shut, it was the subject of family, and in particular, the subject of his. "I mean, I don't know exactly. But he's... he's  _ thirteen _ . He's thirteen."

"There's still hope for him then, you think?" Marlene asked, eyes lighting up with interest, "maybe he won't turn out like his parents? Even though he's in Slytherin."

"Sirius told me once that he doesn't think Regulus fits in Slytherin. Told me that he's certain he begged and begged the hat because he'd seen how his parents had reacted to Sirius being in Gryffindor... and... I guess he was scared." James found the words tumbling rather ungracefully from his lips, and they had fallen before he could really think over the matter of telling what Sirius had uttered in confidence to someone else. "I guess that's different now..."

"I guess." Marlene bit her lip a little. "Look, James, it's just what I  _ heard _ , I-... just a  _ rumour _ , I-"

"Rumours always have a source though, don't they?" James suddenly raised his voice: his heart thudding in his chest as he came to regret reacting as he had done. "Sorry... I..." He turned away and tried to focus on the possible new members for the team, but instead found himself preoccupied with Sirius and indeed preoccupied with worry and concern. "I'm just... did Regulus really say that about him?"

"Yeah. Traitor and a coward, scum of the earth..." Marlene cringed a little, "and all of that lovely Slytherin pureblood elitist  _ bullshit _ . I just can't fucking stand it, you know? I can't fucking stand the fact that there are wizards that have convinced themselves that the fact that their great fucking grandfather fucking a witch and not a muggle makes them any better than anyone else here." She took a deep breath: realising she'd gotten a little angrier than she had intended. "I mean," she continued: her tone much calmer this time, "look at Lily. Muggleborn, and so unbelievably talented. And then you have Goyle in Slytherin, pureblood Goyle who looks like someone tried to transfigure him into a toad at some point but it didn't quite work."

James gave a laugh, turning to Marlene, who he'd never really found himself really speaking to before, and smiled, suddenly finding himself regarding her with a significant amount of respect and admiration. "I think... I mean... I know this sounds really stupid, but I don't know, maybe someone should talk to Regulus, and you know, gauge his side of the story, because I don't think he  _ really _ wants to hurt Sirius, does he? I mean, what could his parents have been telling him, I-"

"Maybe it's not his parents?" Marlene suggested: arms folded. "Maybe it's Malfoy. Maybe it's Snape. Maybe it's someone from third year. Maybe it's one of his friends. Who knows?" She gave a sigh. "You don't think we should tell Sirius, not even anything? I mean, we can just avoid this whole thing by moving the tryouts today, but, I mean- we can't do that for everything- we can't just  _ shelter _ him-"

"He's going to react badly." James bit his lip, "he's going to react really badly. I just know. It's not his fault, but it's just his family, you know? And when he gets upset he makes stupid decisions and ends up getting himself hurt and into more trouble than he needs to be. And he's my best friend and I'm just  _ not _ going to let that happen."

"And what if he finds out for himself?" Marlene gave James a stern look. "What then?"

"Then we deal with it. But there's  _ nothing _ saying he has to find anything out, is there?" James hit her right back with a glare. "So I'm going to take our chances, okay?"

Marlene was largely unconvinced. "You know that rumours spread like the plague. You know that people believe everything and anything and definitely don't keep quiet about it-  _ okay _ maybe the Hufflepuffs do, but- I have a point, you know I have a point. Like we all know about that Ravenclaw prefect that got jinxed, I mean, well of course you know, because it was Remus that-"

" _ Remus _ ?" James' eyes widened in disbelief, because he most  _ certainly _ hadn't known that. "Remus jinxed a prefect-" James stumbled over his words as he attempted to comprehend the situation, because Remus Lupin did not just  _ jinx _ people. "What did the guy do? What on earth did the other guy do?"

Marlene gave a shrug. "No one's  _ exactly  _ sure _ ,  _ but from what I've heard, he said something to Sirius." She gave James a look. "And Remus was protecting him, I guess. They're pretty close, those two, aren't they?"

"Yeah." James nodded: suddenly feeling offended, because  _ he _ , James Potter, was also close to his friends. "So am I. So is Peter. We're  _ all _ close. You know, that's what best friends entails, don't you think? Like, you're close with Lily, Alice, and Mary, you know,  _ simultaneously _ ."

Marlene came to realise that this was something James had been rendered utterly oblivious to, and decided that it was perhaps for the best not to detail it. "Yeah, I just..." She bit her lip,  "jinxing a prefect is a lot to do for someone, for Remus anyway."

"Well, it's not like he ever bloody gets caught, is it?" James gave a roll of his eyes as the mini game that James had  _ totally _ been paying attention to came to an end.

Marlene smiled, "I'm just saying, look out for Sirius, you know?"

"I'm his best friend, what the fuck else do you think I'm doing?" James gave her a look before walking further into the pitch: ready to spew the kind of bullshit that someone who actually knew what they were doing and what was going on would have said. He was truly quite the inspiration.

-

"You seem," James paused: gesturing wildly with one hand as he attempt to find the correct word; Sirius looked at him with a mix of exhaustion and curiosity. " _ Distracted _ ." James finally went for: his lips twisting up into a smile as the word finally came tumbling from his lips.

"I think the word you're looking for is  _ tired _ ." Sirius provided as he pulled his shirt over his head. James had finally decided to conclude the quidditch tryouts just fifteen minutes ago, after what Sirius suspected was a good forty minutes or so longer than necessary; Sirius also suspected that James really didn't have nearly as much of an idea as to what it was that he was doing as much as he liked to pretend he did. Sirius, however, voiced neither of these suspicions.

"No," James shook his head: meeting Sirius with an interested smirk, "definitely distracted. I  _ know _ you, Sirius Black." He pushed his finger forward and tapped Sirius on the nose, which was a gesture that neither of the two really understood at all, but it was about quarter to eight in the morning, so neither of the two really bothered to question it. "I  _ know _ you." He repeated: his smirk latching firmly onto his lips at this point.

"I'm not going to argue that you don't." Sirius' reply reeked of the casual dickhead nonchalance that he seemed to be mass producing somewhere in his body, because when it came to Sirius Black, there certainly seemed to be quite the abundance of it. "There's just no point." He supplied his reasoning just a few moments later. "Much like there's no point in arguing that I'm not tired, James, especially after you pulled me out of bed whilst it was still dark this morning."

"Yeah..." James gave a shrug, " _ well _ ..." He turned away for a moment: his thoughts racing in order to conjure up some form of witty remark in order to justify himself without touching upon the real reason they were up so early that morning. "It's light now, isn't it?" He turned to Sirius with a grin, because it  _ was _ light now, and there was no denying that. There was also no denying the fact that his response wasn't at all relevant to what Sirius had been inquiring, but that was that, and Sirius was just going to have to deal with it.

"It is." He gave a nod, before sitting down on the bench in the changing rooms beside the quidditch pitch and letting out a sigh. "What aren't you telling me?"

"What aren't  _ you _ telling me?" James retorted: his voice the pinnacle of over exaggeration and excessively dramatised tones.

"What?" Sirius gave a shrug in note to James'... well...  _ overreaction _ .

"Where did you and Remus go last night?" James asked rather calmly, but with a considerable exertion of effort in order to subdue the grin that seemed to have real abandonment issues as it was practically incapable of leaving his lips alone for just a second; he had to admit though, it certainly wasn't the grin's fault.

"To do something." Sirius told him: his voice rather blunt and his tone so dull that Professor Binns would have been jealous, although Sirius was highly suspicious than Binns was far too dull to even consider the matter of jealousy. Sirius did wonder if he'd always been this exceedingly dull, even when he had been alive, or if he'd simply been a miserable droning lump of useless knowledge since birth - if that was the case, Sirius' only cause for surprise was the fact that no one had murdered him for being such a  _ bore _ .

James, was of course, anything but inclined to be satisfied with a third word, dreary tone response. "Something can refer to murdering seventy innocent children, and also sitting outside making daisy chains." Sirius gave a snort; James wasn't sure in regards to what. "You're going to need to be more specific."

Sirius rolled his eyes: shooting James a grin, "don't be such an idiot." James' eyebrows raised in response: unconvinced that he'd deserved that, which was of course incorrect, as James Potter was the kind of person that could always be honestly referred to as an idiot. "I can't make daisy chains." James put  _ considerable _ effort into rolling his eyes. "Do you think Remus can? You know? He kind of just does seem like the kind of person that can make daisy chains, you know? Shall I ask him? I could ask around. I mean  _ someone's _ got to know how to do it, I mean-..." Sirius trailed off, laughing a little, "I kind of want to sneak off and make daisy chains with Remus now you mention it."

"What about the whole mass murder thing?" James asked: humouring the idea.

"Nah," Sirius shook his head, "pretty sure that murder's against the school rules, and Moony's a prefect now and all, isn't he?"

James took a deep breath before responding. "Pretty sure hexing another prefect is as well."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at that. "Mhm. The guy deserved it though."

"Did he?" James asked: his eyes widening with interest. "Because Remus, is well, pretty against violence, isn't he? So he must have said something-"

"He said something." Sirius gave a nod. "He said  _ something _ ."

"No one knows what, though." James continued, "so, since you were there-"

"Ask Remus." Sirius gave him a glare, "I'm not here to tell you things without him wanting me to."

"I know you're not. I didn't mean it like that." James gave a sigh: taking a moment to remind himself that Sirius was only so grouchy because it was so early, which was to some degree, his own doing. "What is going on, though? I mean, like-... I..." James found himself choking on his own words under Sirius' gaze.

"What?" The shorter boy retorted.

"I mean, seems like you and Remus have got some secrets, doesn't it?"

"It's not like that." Sirius gave a sigh, "you're overreacting. We just didn't tell you about last night because we didn't want you to come along."

"Well, that  _ really _ makes me feel better." James let out a groan.

"Still, you're not quite getting the point." Sirius searched for the best way in which to possibly convey just what it was that they were all so concerned with. "It wasn't some messing around kind of thing, it was... Remus needed to get something from Slughorn's stores for this potion thing. Lily said it might help with his transformations."

"And how does that mean that I'm uninvited. I'm fucking  _ fantastic _ at breaking into Slughorn's store cupboard, I'll have you know!" James exclaimed: feeling rather offended that Sirius Black, his best friend, of all people, was questioning his pranking honour.

"You're not quite so fantastic at not getting caught though, are you, James?" Sirius narrowed his eyes at his friend, and well, James just had to admit that Sirius had what was to some degree, a very valid point.

"He doesn't want to put that shiny prefect badge of his at stake?" James raised his eyebrows and gave a snort as Sirius found himself nodding in response. "Hexing a prefect is a funny way to do that, don't you think?"

"It was a jinx." Sirius corrected him. "It was a jinx not a hex, and the guy was being a fucking dick."

"What did he say to Remus, though?" James couldn't help but ask.

"He didn't really say much to Remus." Sirius gave a shrug: not really finding it within himself to keep eye contact with James as he spoke. "It was me he said something to. Called me a queer." Sirius gave a shrug, not really sure why he had found that this all bothered him so much, because he wasn't a queer, and he'd never given that much of a shit about what bigoted Ravenclaw prefects had to say anyway. It was just,  _ just _ the fact that Remus seemed to care so much, and Sirius found that whatever had Remus upset had him upset too.

"So Remus hexed-  _ jinxed _ him. What even is the difference between a hex and a jinx?" James came to ask what was a genuine question.

"Hexes are worse, I think. I guess they're similar, but like, hexes are darker magic." Sirius shrugged a little, suddenly feeling perhaps unnecessarily uncomfortable at the mention of dark magic, because he simply couldn't avoid the fact that when people thought of dark magic, they thought of mostly Slytherin pureblood families. Families like the Malfoys, like the Lestranges. Like the  _ Blacks _ .

"So... he did that to protect you?" James continued to ask.

"I didn't need protecting!" Sirius exclaimed: his cheeks flushing red. "It's not like that. It's just-"

"Just what?" James narrowed his eyes.

"Come on, why are you being such a prick about everything? Me and Moony are still your friends. I'm sure he'd jinx any prefect who called you a queer too." Sirius gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

"What about Evans?" James sought to prove Sirius wrong.

"I'm pretty sure Lily Evans is beyond calling people queer for no reason." Sirius gave a sigh: willing this conversation to be over by now, but James was far more stubborn than he could ever dream of being.

" _ Okay _ ..." James trailed off. "How about hypothetically?"

"I really don't think you need to wonder about hypothetical circumstances." Sirius gave him a smile, "it'll be fine. Also if Lily has figured out that you are, in fact,  _ straight _ after you've spent the last four years constantly hitting on her then I don't know what to think."

"I am worried about some hypothetical circumstances, though. Maybe they're not that hypothetical." James gave a sigh, "I don't know."

"Since when did you start worrying about yourself?" Sirius broke into a laugh.

"I'm not worrying about me." James found himself speaking before he could continue, "I'm worrying about you."

Sirius went still for a moment, before suddenly jumping back to life, rather as if someone had pressed pause on his life for a brief moment. "What are you doing that for?" He brushed it off: moving his hands to brush his hair back, but finding his hands landing on the braid instead, and in response, found himself unable to subdue a smile that followed, because this braid in his hair absolutely screamed Remus Lupin to him. And Sirius wasn't at all sure as to how that was quite so fantastic, but it  _ was _ .

James found himself just so very fucking close to losing hold of himself and just spurting out everything about Regulus, and he and Marlene's shared concerns in regards to his family, but he managed to get a grasp upon himself and the situation at the last minute, and instead gave a shrug. "I'm your best mate. That's just what friends are for, aren't they?"

Sirius highly suspected that there was something more to it, but he knew that today just wasn't the day to deal with it, and in truth, he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to at all. There had to be a reason James was keeping it from him, hadn't there? Maybe he should just be a good friend and respect James' judgement? There was of course the matter that James' judgement was almost never reliable, but Sirius simply resigned to making a conscious effort  _ not _ to think about that.

It had to be alright. How much worse could it get for him? His father had murdered his uncle over the summer and no one fucking knew a thing. And perhaps that was how things would stay, because Sirius just couldn't bare the thought of people worrying about him more than they needed to.

He was okay. He was okay, wasn't he? He had to be.

-


	6. literally 0-100 real fuckin quick right here

Regulus had known that there was something very obviously off for quite some time now. Of course, there had been a rift between his older brother, Sirius, and his parents for years now, and at this point, he'd come to conclude, that regardless of his own personal opinions, it was in his best interest not to say anything, but to agree with his parents if ever asked directly; he just didn't want to get into trouble with parents, and in truth, he really did admire Sirius for being strong enough to put up with his parents rather strong dislike of him as a person since he was sorted into Gryffindor, and still remain who he was, as Regulus was certain he could never reach such a point of confidence and bravery himself, and perhaps that was exactly why he sat at the Slytherin table for breakfast that morning, and indeed, every morning.

He was his parents' favourite child, but only by default; Sirius had been the oldest and the favoured one with no doubt right up until he went to Hogwarts, and as the absolutely horrific truth was confirmed in his parents' minds, all of their hopes and dreams for Sirius had been pulled aside and thrown over Regulus like a set of robes that were far too big for him, because in all honesty, Regulus was very sure of the fact that he didn't want to be like his parents, because as much as he wasn't like Sirius, in that he was much less confident, and preferred to think things through as opposed to just rushing into every bad idea with no regard for himself, he wasn't his parents either.

What he was, however, was a Slytherin, and that made all the difference in their eyes: the colour of his robes, and the purity of his blood, and it had always been a load of bullshit; this was a view that Regulus had managed to retain into his third year as a member of Slytherin house, and in fact, he reckoned that being a member of his house only strengthened it. It wasn't that he didn't like Slytherin, or didn't want to be in the house, because he did, he just didn't like _certain_ Slytherins, and their _certain_ beliefs. One of his least favourite Slytherins, in particular, was Severus Snape; he was far too mopey and never knew when to stop, and never seemed to leave Lily Evans from Gryffindor alone. And in truth, Regulus found that he didn't like James Potter much either.

James was simply one of those dickish Gryffindors - usually the ones from pureblood families sagain, who had the values of the pureblood Slytherins, yet in reverse: sporting an irrational hatred for Slytherin, and instantly declaring all Slytherins to be evil without any second thought. Regulus reckoned that Gryffindors like James Potter were just as bad as Slytherins like Severus Snape. He was also largely certain that Lily Evans, the subject of the two boys' affections, would eventually just go for a guy in Ravenclaw or something, and leave them both broken hearted - that'd serve them right.

Regulus knew, that despite being best friends with James Potter, Sirius didn't have the slightest notion of irrational hatred for him based on his house and the fact that he didn't quite have the guts to speak out against his parents. He knew that Sirius still saw him as his little brother, and always would do, and for that he was perhaps eternally thankful, because he found himself somewhat lost in a world of house based prejudices and expectations, and the fucking bullshit matters of blood status, and he was literally thirteen years old.

In Regulus' mind, Sirius had made a statement - he'd made an impact, simply in being sorted into Gryffindor, simply in the person he was, because it began to tear away at the expectations and reputations of the pureblood Slytherin families, and there was absolutely nothing the world could do as the rest of the pieces fell into place. Regulus was very certain that there was going to be change, by whatever means necessary, there would be change, and he wondered if maybe one day, in the Great Hall, they'd sit united at only one table. He did however remind himself that it'd have to be a big ass table to fit all of the students on, but they were literally at a magical school, so he was pretty sure Dumbledore could manage if the situation ever arose.

It was the way Sirius seemed to be a walking statement and contradiction of every assumption tied to him with every word he spoke, that really caught Regulus' attention that morning. It was often that Sirius Black caught the attention of many students, as it was simply unheard of that he and his friends might enter the room normally and on time, without shrieking and yelling, but it was upon this particular morning that Regulus found the pieces falling into place.

Something was off. Something _had_ been off since that summer, and Regulus had noticed and known. He was only limited by the fact that although he and Sirius were on okay terms, they just weren't on deep heart to heart conversation terms, but of course, that didn't stop Regulus' wondering and speculation; he'd gathered that the conflict was based with his father, as his father had become somewhat more short tempered over the last few weeks, and there had been no change in his mother whatsoever - he suspected that she wasn't even at all aware of any change.

Sirius had been overcompensating. He was particularly bad at talking about his problems and accepting emotional support from those around him, or even coming to accept the fact that he was hurting, so instead, he overcompensated for his attitude with overly forced smiles and an excess of dramatic gestures and throwing himself into all kinds of trouble with little regard for himself and his well being.

Regulus had seen this before; he was going to crash, and he was going to burn, and that was when things were really going to go wrong, but from where Regulus sat at the Slytherin table, he had to trust and hope that Sirius' friends would be there to support him and help him out of the mess he'd landed himself in.

The younger Black brother had concluded that if there was no hope in finding answers with Sirius, then he'd simply have to address the situation through an alternative route: he'd have to see what he could find from his father, of course while adhering to to discretion, as he was clever enough to realise that there was little use in just letting this all come into the light, as there tended to be a valid reason as to why secrets were kept.

And that very reason served as just a valid reason as to why they should be discovered.

Regulus was of course _concerned_ for his brother and his wellbeing; he wasn't going to deny that he was curious, but he was going to stress his concern, because if Regulus wanted to be anything it wasn't just the snake sewn onto his robes in emerald green. Of course, it was a part of him, figuratively, but there was so much more to a person than the colours they wore, and there was much more to the hall than four tables. He was well aware that his opinions were seldom shared, but thankfully, it wasn't acceptance he was seeking, but answers.

And in that light, he was more than prepared to put that Slytherin cunning and ambition on show.

-

Sirius had known that there was something seriously off for all of four and a half minutes now. His brother, Regulus, had been _staring_ at him, only pausing to look at the asshole sat next to him on the Slytherin table.

At first, Sirius had just tried to brush it off and ignore it: denying to accept that it was anything more than an unintentional moment of eye contact, but as the minutes dragged on, and conversation between his fellow Gryffindors continued without hesitance, he found it becoming harder and harder to lie to himself and focus on his breakfast. Because, Regulus didn't just _do_ things; Sirius _knew_ Regulus, more than anybody else did, and he _knew_ that Regulus was a person of reason and planning, and that as his eyes met Sirius', there were cogs turning in his mind as pieces slotted together in some sort of unearthly puzzle formed in his brain.

Needless to say, it left Sirius concerned, as the nature of the subject of his gaze, left Sirius with the rather swift conclusion, that he was subject to some sort of conspiracy in the mind of his brother, which perhaps, wasn't innately the worst thing in the world, but put with the rest of the hellish debris clouding his mind, he found perspective skewing and distorting his world view until rational went without meaning.

The problem was that he and Regulus just simply were not on terms of meaningful conversation, and that was so much more than a casual glance: so much more than a casual stare, as well: it was the kind of stare that brought forth a sickening feeling in his stomach and had his leg shaking slightly under the table, which was an action that Sirius himself was barely aware of, of course, _until_ Remus Lupin placed his hand on Sirius' thigh: steadying not just the motion of his leg, but his heartbeat, and drawing it to a very clear stop, as Sirius drew his gaze up to meet that of Remus'.

"Are you okay?" Remus' tone was hushed and disguised amidst the ruckus of loud and excitedly annunciated conversation. He kept his hand on Sirius' leg.

Sirius gave a shaky nod: daring to peel his gaze away from Remus, and a chance a look across the hall towards the Slytherin table, only to find that Regulus was no longer even acknowledging his existence, but in conversation with a boy to his left, and suddenly, Sirius felt so very relieved, yet so very idiotic, because as he removed himself the situation, the irrationality of his thought processes suddenly became quite present.

"Your brother?" It appeared that Remus had followed Sirius' gaze across the room, and connected the dots somewhat. "Are you worried about him or something?" Remus fell to an incorrect assumption, and Sirius remained unsure as to what worth correcting him held, as it would only spur further questioning, and now was certainly not the time. In truth, Sirius wasn't sure if there ever _was_ a time, but he'd could figure that out later. What really had his attention in that moment, was of course, Remus' hand... still on his leg.

"Not exac-... it's not that..." Sirius found his cheeks turning red, "it's... it's hard to explain... it's probably nothing." As of course, Sirius' greatest fear was always that someone would figure out what had happened that morning in August, and he didn't doubt that Regulus certainly had the means in which to do so. "I'm being stupid." He insisted: meeting Remus' gaze and forcing him, and indeed himself, just to brush it off.

Remus looked unconvinced and glanced back across at Regulus before continuing with his meal. "If you're sure." His words were laced with skepticism, and Sirius was indeed more than well aware of it, but Sirius knew that he'd much rather have Remus suspect worse than know anything for sure.

"I am." Sirius assured him, attempting to pick at his food once again, but with little success: finding himself weighed down with the mess upon his mind.

And weighed down physically with the presence of Remus' hand, which remained on his thigh, until the very moment that Remus got up to leave the table. But in all honesty, Sirius wasn't too sure that he minded at all: it was just Remus, after all.

-

Sirius found the weight upon his mind remaining ever present throughout the course of the day: detracting from his focus and attention, and already getting him onto a good start for the year ahead, as he landed himself in detention with McGonagall for failing to show any signs of paying attention in Transfiguration.

James had shot him an odd look, because it wasn't like Sirius really had any trouble with Transfiguration, and he was pretty certain that McGonagall secretly loved the four of them, and there was also the fact that this had to be the first detention that Sirius Black had earned for not making trouble and generally being a nuisance, but for zoning out and failing to look like he was even there at all.

James thought back to the other day, after the quidditch trials, when Sirius had laughed him off for worrying about him, and how that had made very little sense, and made even less now, but yet so much more, because of course, there _had_ to be something actually wrong with him, as that had served to be the reason why Sirius had made such a show out of it all. There was of course the matter of just what the matter was, but that was a problem he'd face later that day, because of course, Sirius was his _best_ friend - he'd _have_ to talk to him.

James glanced towards Remus, who seemed to be eyeing Sirius with the same regard as James, yet there was a certain glint to his eyes that spoke of him knowing more, and James could only will for the lesson to end in order for him to get to the end of this somehow, because if there was something that James Potter absolutely did _not_ stand for, it was any of his friends being upset.

As the lesson came to an end, and the students gathered up their things and made a move towards the door, James found himself hanging back a little: eyes fixated upon Sirius' rather sluggish movements and the generally odd look about him. Glancing around, he caught McGonagall's gaze, which was not something he had particularly wanted to do, yet for once he found himself not under scrutiny under those eyes, but following her gaze towards Sirius and back; she'd noticed something too. James only shrugged, before turning to Peter, who seemed somewhat oblivious and gave him a smile.

The four traipsed out of the classroom together in an unnatural silence: minds clouded with thought, and Sirius desperate to get away from the notion of people figuring this out, because there had been what had happened at breakfast, and then there had been this, and he simply couldn't- he just. People couldn't _know_ . They couldn't _know_ that he'd watched, that he'd done nothing, that he'd said nothing, that he'd hidden away in secrecy all this time, because what kind of Gryffindor did that make him? What kind of person did that make him?

Regulus figuring it out was one thing entirely, because Regulus was his brother, and Regulus might have a chance of understanding, however James, although his best friend, was completely alien to the way things worked in the Black household; they _all_ were, all of his friends, _everyone_. And Sirius was so fucking scared: terrified, even, of simply what they might think.

"I..." Sirius found himself stumbling over his words: desperate to make any kind of escape and letting the first thought in his mind come to light. "I don't feel well, I'm going to go to the hospital wing, I think." He prided himself upon the believability of his excuse, because he imagined that from his friends' perspectives, he did just look a little off, and writing that off as unwell until he managed to deal with the Regulus situation in particular, would serve just perfectly. He could write this all off and face the day again tomorrow with a full smile on his face and a perfect queue of well prepared excuses.

"Yeah, you don't look too good, mate." James gave him a nod; the expression upon his face serving to evidence how Sirius had been correct - he didn't really _want_ to worry, or make anything out of it, he wasn't so observant and diligent like Regulus, he was just concerned, and once a suitable conclusion was brought to light, he was satisfied, and for that, Sirius found himself eternally thankful.

"Do you want me to take you?" Remus offered: his gaze holding a look reminiscent of the one they had shared that morning with his hand on Sirius' leg, and suddenly Sirius felt crippled under the reality of the fact that Remus _knew_. Remus knew he was lying. Because Remus had seen Regulus at breakfast, and Remus Lupin was anything but stupid, and Remus Lupin was anything but ready to write things off with a somewhat lacklustre but vaguely believable conclusion.

"No, I'm pretty sure I _know_ where the hospital wing is, Moony." He brushed it off with a laugh, and rushed away down the corridor before anyone could stop him: letting the crowds of students swallow him until he was just a blur at the end of the corridors to his friends, because in that moment, he didn't want to know them at all, he didn't want to know anyone, and he most certainly didn't want to go to the hospital wing.

-

Potions really wasn't the same without Sirius making a rather badly thought out and unfunny remark in response to everything Slughorn said, and it came to the extent that Remus even started to miss it. Or at least miss the Sirius where they'd been nothing amiss, because there certainly was, and that was a swelling in his chest that would not go down, because Remus did desperately want Sirius just to be ill, but Remus was far past the stage of lying to himself and hoping that made his problems go away, because Remus could tell himself that he wasn't a werewolf as much as he fucking wanted, but it wasn't going to do anything in halting his transformation at the end of this week.

In Sirius' absence, Remus had paired up with Lily, and found that he was actually getting some work done in Potions for the first time in his life, which was certainly a new and valuable experience, but it held no weight in the light of all that lay across his chest. He glanced across at James and Peter: messing around as usual, yet with a certained forced quality to their actions, because James was trying to avoid the thoughts, James was trying to think nothing of it, but he wasn't quite succeeding.

Lily seemed to have picked up on the unspoken conversation, and met Remus with a look of inquisitive concern. "Where is he?"

Remus gave her a nervous smile, looking away and wondering where he _really_ was, because he knew deep down that Sirius wasn't ill, and that he hadn't gone to the hospital wing. He was likely just to be up in their dormitory, having hidden himself away back in bed, or at least that was what he hoped, for at least then, Sirius was safe. "Went to the hospital wing."

"Oh," Lily gave a nod, "he didn't look himself in Transfiguration, did he?"

"No, he didn't," James added, leaning into their conversation from the bench adjacent. "Hey Lily," he added, ensuring to utilise every opportunity to make an absolute prat of himself in front of Lily Evans.

" _James_." She narrowed her eyes at him, "so what do you think's up with Sirius?"

"I don't know," James shrugged it off, "I'm not a medical professional, maybe he has a headache or something-"

"A headache." Lily repeated, eyebrows raised: her face that of a picture perfect poster girl for skepticism.

"Like I said, _I don't know_!" James stressed, gesturing wildly with his hands.

Peter made his way over to Remus and Lily's desk in all the commotion: looking between Lily and James and letting out a sigh. "James, stop being an idiot, come on-" He attempted to drag James back to their desk, but James really wasn't having any of it.

" _Pete_ , we're having a very important discussion here." He insisted: his tone holding a certain kind of extravagantly concocted sincerity.

"Are you?" Needless to say, Peter was less than convinced. "About what?"

"About _Sirius_ , actually." James gave a slight roll of his eyes: looking in Remus' direction for any form of support; Remus had very little to offer him, however.

"Oh..." Peter trailed off, biting his lip in anxiety, before glancing up and blurting out all at once, "he's not really ill, is he?"

And the silence that followed was _quite_ the silence, until of course, Remus Lupin broke it.

"No," his tone was somewhat bitter. "Of course not."

-

He had expected it to be Remus, seeing as he most definitely knew more than the others, and therefore was more likely to deduce that there was something here, and something that perhaps needed his attention, and attention in the form of checking just where Sirius had gotten to, because it certainly wasn't the hospital wing.

He wasn't sure as to exactly why, but Sirius felt like he _wanted_ Remus to run after him, despite the fact that he didn't want him to know, or come to decipher anything from the way he held his gaze in certain situations, or the way his breath held and his whole body began to shudder at the prospect of a making any form of eye contact or even publically acknowledging the existence of his brother. Sirius didn't want it to be like this, he didn't want _himself_ to be like this, and he didn't want Remus to know him like this, or indeed know this part of him at all.

Because that was just the fucking _thing_ with Remus Lupin, Sirius found that he actually _cared_ ; cared what Remus thought, cared for his attention and those hazel eyes on him, and the way his voice was so deep even in the form of a gentle whisper, and the way his hands always moved slowly: the way he was careful, the way in which he was attentive, especially with himself, and with others too. Sirius knew why this was: knew why Remus was so careful, even if never outwardly so, but in they way he held himself and left pauses before he spoke, and holy fuck, did Sirius _despise_ the reasoning of it all: the preposterous notion that the wolf somehow had control over him as a person, and that he should be careful, because he was this 'dangerous werewolf and he didn't want to hurt anyone'. Sirius knew Remus Lupin and he was a boy at six foot four who still managed to find sweaters big enough to swallow him, a boy with scars down his arms in patterns that Sirius wanted to trace, a boy with a scar across his face: deep, ghastly, but that wasn't Remus, that was the wolf, and Remus was beautiful. And Sirius adored the way Remus held himself, and the way he spoke, and every little pause, and gasp of breath, and everything that was so definitely _Remus Lupin_ , but what he didn't care for was the reason why.

It'd take the whole world to make Sirius at all _scared_ of Remus Lupin, and he doubted that even then he'd ever show it. Remus was special, and Sirius wanted him to care but never to _know_ , because he wanted him to think of him as this boy with a lot going on in his head, with problems, with the need for solutions, with the racing thoughts, and the need to be alone, and the desire for private conversations in which very little was uttered at all, but he never wanted Remus to know the full story, of the boy who'd watched his uncle die and had never said a word, for the boy that kept every damn fucking horrible, sickening secret they'd thrust upon him, despite his hatred for them, and his claims of fearlessness, because up inside his head, Sirius Black knew that he wasn't quite so much of a Gryffindor at all. He thought perhaps he'd been at eleven: hopeful, and naive, and young, and brave, but only because he didn't quite yet know the definition of danger, but four years on, in truth, Sirius didn't know who he was at all anymore.

And he'd wanted Remus to run after him, because that was the only thing he knew: that he wanted people to care, and he wanted attention, but only from certain people, and only very certain types of attention, and he wanted the situations he executed in his own head to be realised, where everyone said exactly what he wanted them to, and the world twisted itself around them like this was some sort of fucked up fairytale, but of course, it was far off, as Sirius was far off any hope of drawing to a happy ending, because in truth, Sirius didn't at all know what counted as a happy ending, what counted as a success, for him, or what he really wanted at all.

Because it was fucked up. It was fucked up and even vaguely manipulative of him to what Remus to come after him, to want Remus to ask every question on his mind, and for Sirius to brush him off, because he just wanted to feel like he mattered, and like his problems held weight, yet he never held any desire to share that weight with anyone, and especially not the boy who would drive himself insane over it, because Remus _cared_ , and Remus cared so much, and Sirius wondered if he deserved that at all.

Wondered if he deserved anything at all. It was all debatable, though, of course. That was it: bittersweet, and this was Sirius Black, sat with his back to a tall, evergreen tree at the beginning of the Forbidden Forest: eyes fixated on the darkness, scared not of the noises and creaks and strange lights in the corners of his eyes, but of the pounding of his own heart and the ever present footsteps drawing near.

He'd expected it to be Remus. He'd wanted it to be Remus: the source of the footsteps, that is. But beside him stood Marlene McKinnon: tall, almost taller than him, and with that determined kind of almost agitated look in her eyes, as her short, dusty blonde hair fell into her face slightly with the wind.

Sirius took a moment to realise that the source of the window was exclusively the forest, and it was not just so much of a directional, weather based thing, or perhaps not wind at all. as it was wind with feeling: with malice in its cold touch upon your skin. He came to this conclusion at the same time as Marlene: both of their heads snapping forwards towards the forest, and eyes widened and fixated upon the darkness.

The logical thing to do was to run, because everyone had heard stories of the forest, and what lay within it, and everyone knew that they weren't just stories, but they were a pair of fifth year Gryffindors with deadset kind of angry looks in their eyes: the kind of angry that came after hours of bittersweet sadness, where you found yourself tired of crying, and searching for something or someone to blame, and you found purpose in heavily punctuating all of your sentences with the word 'fuck', or similar curse words.

Sirius got to his feet and drew his wand from the pocket of his robes: extending his arm out into the darkness and biting down hard into his bottom lip as he found himself shaking all over, because what kind of fucking Gryffindor, was he? "Lumos." His tone was rushed: hinting in the way of uncertainty and the kind of anxiety he was desperately locking away in boxes and closets in dark corners of his mind, but his voice didn't quaver and it most certainly didn't shake, and with that, Sirius was satisfied.

Marlene stepped forward to reach Sirius' side, gazing on through the trees and into the pool of light created by Sirius' wand, and of course, the forest immediately before them lay dull and bare: constructed as if it was just a gust of wind, and they were just two fired up Gryffindors with heavy weights on their minds. But it wasn't, because they'd both felt it at exactly the same time, and neither Marlene nor Sirius were the kind of people that believed in coincidences and letting things slide.

She drew her wand also, uttering, "lumos," in much the same tone that Sirius had, before taking another step forward into the forest, letting her wand light guide her way. Marlene paused momentarily, turning back to Sirius, who still stood a metre or so away with his back pressed against the tree he had been sat at the foot of for far too many hours, as he was coming to realise now.

"You coming?" She asked, speaking directly to him for the first time that evening: there was a trace of a smile of her lips, and a sense of adventure within in her: stupidity, of course, because there was nothing like walking aimlessly into the Forbidden Forest after a horrible sensation to get yourself killed, but Sirius really didn't want to go to the detention McGonagall had given him, so perhaps dying in the forest with Marlene McKinnon wouldn't be so bad after all.

Marlene was alright; she was definitely high on his list of top ten people he'd like to die with: higher, even, than James, who held a strong position due to the nature of their friendship, and that Sirius felt like if he was going to die, it might as well be with his dickhead of a best friend, because truthfully, he didn't want to live in a world without James Potter, and he knew that James felt the same, however, Sirius _did_ know that James would be an absolutely whiny little bitch about it, and if they happened to have a slow death together, he'd spend all of his dying breath mumbling on and on about Lily fucking Evans, to the extent that Sirius would be wishing that he'd just die already, and James' last words would likely be about her breasts, and Sirius knew that was absolutely not the last thing he'd like to hear before he died. Marlene, however, really wasn't whiny, and was far more fearless than all of James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter put together, and she did have quite a sense of humour. Sirius wouldn't mind dying with her at all.

"How dangerous would say this is on a scale of one to ten?" Sirius asked, just looking for a ballpark really, so he could quickly calculate the probability of his demise, and wonder about scribbling a quick epitaph for himself as they walked, because none of his friends were at _all_ qualified to write his epitaph, and as much as he loved them, he just knew this to be a fact.

Marlene gave a small laugh: perhaps even subduedly hysterical, before coming to an answer, "a good seventy eight out of ten." She shot him a smirk, before tucking her hair behind her ears and out of her face. "So are you coming, or what? Don't I need my _knight in fucking shining armour_ to protect me and all of that bullshit because of course women can't do _anything_ for themselves, can they?" Her tone was beyond sarcastic, and she met Sirius with a kind of expression that led him to conclude that he needed a knight in shining armour to protect him from Marlene.

"I think I'm the distressed damsel, here, honestly." Sirius added with a light, almost jovial tone to his voice, with really worked to juxtapose the situation of the two of them walking off out into the Forbidden Forest, but he was beyond the point of caring anymore, because hey, if he got mortally injured or killed in here then it'd give people something else to think about other than the situation with Regulus and the way he'd left Transfigurations earlier that day.

"Damsel in distress." She corrected him: a smile upon her lips. "You've got the braid for it, haven't you?"

"Hey-" Sirius' tone grew instantly defensive, "don't talk shit about my hair, it's fucking beautiful and majestic, and if I'm going to die horribly in a forest full of magical creatures then I'm going to die with beautiful hair, goddamn it."

Marlene gave a small laugh: unable to decipher if Sirius was joking or not, and came to conclude that perhaps he didn't even know for sure himself. "We're not going to die, don't be such a fucking baby."

"Damsel in distress." Sirius corrected her, raising his eyebrows to make a point, as he followed her deeper into the forest, "I'm very beautiful and very distressed. And we're literally stepping into a dark forest full of dangerous creatures who could kill us-"

"Your best friend is a werewolf." She told him: taking a moment, to meet his eyes, "And you can see the thestrals. I hardly think you're in a position to be at all scared right now. Here's me, my best friend's only real power is not killing James Potter yet even after him asking her out about four hundred times, and I- I'm just..." She trailed off, giving a shrug. "I'm just proving a point to myself here."

"Okay... okay... first of all, how the fuck do you know that-" Sirius gave a sharp intake of breath as his wand light fell over a certain shadow held over a tree, "is that...?" His voice trailed off as he came to realise just exactly _what_ he was looking at.

"That's an arm." Marlene told him: her voice shaking slightly. "That's a severed fucking arm. Fucking- pinned to a tree- who the fuck, who the _fuck_ does that? You don't just- you don't just- _fuck_ , fuck, _fuck_ , fuck-"

"It's..." Sirius' heart began to thud in his chest as he approached it, "there's something on it... like a mark... on the underside... it's... like a skull... I can't really-" He held his way to the mark in order to illuminate it: his heart now pounding with vigour and fear in his chest, as if it to shake his ribcage slightly.

"Sirius-" She grabbed him tight around his wrist and pulled him away from the arm, and into a bush a few metres away, still gripping him tight as they crotched out of sight: hearts thudding so loud that she began to fear that they were audible as she muttered a quick, "nox," to extinguish her wand light.

Sirius thought to do the same, but came to the rather abrupt and horrifying realisation that he had dropped his wand as Marlene had struggled to pull him away from the tree, and that it laid at the roots, still illuminating the tree, but thankfully at least not instantly alluding to the two Gryffindors hidden away in the foliage a few metres away. As Sirius' head caught up with himself he came to fixate upon the very definite sounds of multiple footsteps now drawing nearer, accompanied even by the sounds of hushed voices.

He caught a glimpse of a huddle of four or five darkened figures just metres away from them in the puddle of light left by his wand, and found everything inside him willing and wishing that he hadn't been such a fucking ass about this, because who knew who these _things_ were, and what they could possibly want? And Marlene was wrong, because they really _were_ going to die, and still, even before death his head was pounding with concerns as to how she'd known that Remus was a werewolf in the first place, because, still, she was Marlene, it wasn't exactly a real _concern_ , but it definitely just shouldn't be fucking common knowledge-

"Look, that's a wand!" One of voices grew audible as it drew away from the hushed whisper it had been to take the form of an exclamation, and Sirius' whole body began to cripple in on itself as he awaited what could possibly become of them, and indeed his wand, because it was a nice wand, and he'd really prefer it if the darkness ominous, death bringing shadows of men didn't break it.

"Shut it. Go-" A second, deeper, and far more composed voice came to return in an agitated tone, before halting altogether, and Sirius and Marlene were left to watch in horror as the figure to which the voice belonged stepped further towards the wand light and glanced around the forest inquisitively. Their face, however, was not visible, and Sirius didn't doubt that it was hidden as well. "They're still here." The voice continued, gesturing for the other figures to join them where they stood. "The light would have extinguished itself within an hour or so. Whoever it is, is still here, and they likely didn't want to go off without their wand, so I'm saying, they dropped as they hurried off to hide somewhere, having heard us coming."

Sirius was certain now that they were actually going to die, but there was nothing they could do, was there? He glanced at Marlene, who he realised still had her wand, and who he realised, the figures didn't know was there: they thought it was just him, although, there were four of them, and the odds of one versus four weren't very good, especially after one spell when they'd discover their location.

The second figure drew his wand and pointed at Sirius', proclaiming a rather loud, "nox," before the forest around them fell into darkness.

"Do we find the person?" The first voice asked again: muffled from where Marlene and Sirius were crouched once again.

"They can't be far." Came a third voice.

"It's... an interesting situation." The second voice continued, pausing to think as the air was filled with the sounds of footsteps: leaving Sirius and Marlene seizing up and hoping, hoping with everything they had that the footsteps would stop before they drew nearer. "I think it'd be fun. Find out who's listening to us."

"Yeah," the first voice took the form of a leer: inherently childish, leaving Sirius all the more puzzled as to the possible identities of the four individuals, of course, however, the fourth one, was yet to speak. "Be funny, break their wand in front of their face. Tell them not to mess in places they shouldn't be. Look at stuff that's not theirs."

"Hmm..." The second voice continued, "you and me will take the path back over there, likely that they've run off now - no good running off deeper into the forest, is there, though?" There was a slightly forced roar of laughter that followed. "You two, look over there." And with that, Sirius and Marlene were left with footsteps: footsteps growing farther away, and then footsteps: a different set, growing nearer, until there came a halt, and the fourth voice spoke for the first time.

"We should split up. You take the path over there." And that voice. That fucking voice, was now, at such a close proximity, instantly recognisable: nasal, and fucking horrific, and left Sirius' blood clotting in his veins, as the two listened to the footsteps of the third figure tread off into the distance, as the fourth figure stepped towards them, extending his wand, and illuminating the area before him as he turned towards the bush in which Marlene and Sirius were hidden inside.

"Thought it'd be Potter with you." He gave the most hideous retort as his dark eyes fell upon the two Gryffindors: dark hair, hanging long and greasy at towards his shoulders, as he offered Sirius a displeased smirk. "You two seem to have a habit of getting yourself into places and trouble you shouldn't be, don't you, Black?"

"Seems like you do, as well, don't you, Snivellus?" Sirius stood up, attempting to hold his ground, but come to the rather abrupt realisation that he didn't have his wand, and it was, in fact, Snape that did: stuffed into the pocket of his robes. Marlene stood before Sirius: her wand extended, and giving the Slytherin quite the sight to laugh at.

"You've got your _girlfriend_ to protect you?" He scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Next time don't take her on date to the Forbidden Forest, how about that?" Sirius couldn't help but blush in response; of course, Marlene wasn't his girlfriend, and indeed very far from it, but still, he'd made an impact, and Sirius absolutely loathed the smug undertones upon his face.

"What were you doing on a date in the Forbidden Forest with Lucius Malfoy, how about that?" Marlene countered, hitting Snape with an honestly terrifying glare, and just like that, it hit Sirius as to the identity of the second voice: something which it seemed Marlene had picked up upon when he hadn't. And indeed, all hopes of smug undertones very quickly vanished.

"Think you're funny, McKinnon?" Snape lowered his gaze with a slight growl.

"No, but I think it's funny just what Lily's going to think, when I tell her all about this, don't you, Sirius?" She gave a glance in Sirius' direction, who found himself close to letting out a snort. "You gonna _kill_ us, Severus, are you? So we won't tell her? Are you? Malfoy would, wouldn't he? We _all_ know he would, but _you_ . You just _want_ to be like him. You're not like him at all. You have soft spots. Emotions. You're in love with Lily Evans, and you want to keep James Potter around so you have something to blame your failures with her on. And you don't want people like Lily Evans and James Potter to know what you're doing on nights like this. Because you're not like Malfoy, and I don't think you've got it in you to be."

Severus opened his mouth to say something, but gave a sigh, because in truth, she was right, and he was... he was _scared_. Scared of Lucius Malfoy, and scared of not living up to his expectations, and scared of the ridicule, scared of the shame, but most of all, scared of Lily Evans, and what she might think. "You won't tell Lily. You won't say a thing to anyone and you get your wand back, Black, and I'll turn around and you run off, and I just didn't see you."

Sirius gave a nod, and held out his hand for his wand, "alright."

Marlene looked more hesitant: inclined perhaps to get something out of Severus regarding the group of Slytherins and the arm upon the tree, and if they might have known what was to do with it, and of course, just what on earth they were doing in the Forbidden Forest like this, as Severus was obviously the weakest link in the group, and she had influence due to her friendship with Lily, but she accepted that it'd have to be another time. "Yeah. Give him his wand back and we'll go."

Severus glanced around nervously before extending Sirius' wand out in his arm, only to have it pulled from his hand within instants, and his head sounding with footsteps as the two darted off through the trees and towards the safety of the grounds and what remained of the evening sunlight.

Neither Marlene nor Sirius said a single word until they reached the grounds, and then they stood: bent over, catching their breaths, as the world around them was buzzing slightly, only for the groundskeeper, Hagrid, to catch sight of them from a few metres away, and the two found themselves cursing as the great giant of a man approached them with a disapproving, yet concerned look in his eyes. "And what exactly were you two doing in the forest? Could've got yourselves killed-"

"Look," Sirius began, not sure whether to actually say something about what they'd just witnessed or not.

"I'm gonna have to take you two to see Professor McGonagall. The Forbidden Forest is out of bounds and it's out of bounds for a goddamn good reason!"

Sirius cursed to himself, not even daring to imagine just what poor Professor McGonagall could possibly think was going on in his head at the end of today. He did find himself feeling sorry for her sometimes, although he was rather well aware that it was himself and his friends that caused her the majority of the grief she faced, and for that, sympathies would be slightly hypocritical.

-

McGonagall had been skeptical, and in hindsight, their perspective upon the events that had just occurred had been rather flawed and panicked, and combined with Sirius' behaviour earlier that day, it did make sense that she might not have been quite so inclined to believe them. She hadn't dismissed their claims entirely however; there was a panicked look in their eyes that you just couldn't fake, and Marlene certainly had herself much more put together when it came to arguing their case than Sirius did.

In the end, she gave them a sigh and a smile, lecturing them about the Forbidden Forest being out of bounds and just how dangerous it was for a good twenty minutes, leading into another lecture regarding to the rules and abiding them and the 'very good reasons' for which they were there in the first place. She did however note that she'd mention their concerns to Dumbledore and see if he could look into it somehow, although she certainly wasn't making any promises and she certainly wasn't pleased with them.

She finished the conversation by issuing them with a detention for tomorrow night: Sirius' second that day, and she held his gaze with a slight concern, allowing Marlene to leave and instructing her to go straight back to her dormitory, before keeping Sirius behind for a moment.

A little unnerved by the sudden lack of Marlene's presence and support, because in truth, she really did always know what to say when Sirius didn't, and there was no doubt about the fact that she was a hell of a lot braver than him, and there was also the fact that if she hadn't been there with him in the forest tonight, then Sirius didn't even care imagine just what Lucius Malfoy would have done. He imagined he would have been in the hospital wing at the moment in time, and that was the kind of fussing over him that Sirius just wasn't interested in, so for the fact that they'd escaped unscathed, Sirius was thankful.

Severus' actions were still held rather prominently at the front of Sirius' mind, because although explained easily, they were still perplexing, as Sirius had not really thought such logical and rational thinking an act that the greasy haired Slytherin was at all capable of. Of course, however, he hadn't done it for their sake, he'd done it for Lily- for his _own_ sake, and that left Sirius with a bitter feeling in the pit of his stomach, because there he was, pretending to be the fucking good guy, and getting away with it, because the only way in which Severus Snape looked at all good and heroic was when he stood amidst the worst people in the world. And that did indeed work to explain his newfound 'friendship' with Malfoy.

It made Sirius sick. He wanted to tell Lily regardless, because fuck Snape, and fuck whatever he said, but Marlene had insisted that it was better if he, and in turn, Lucius Malfoy, wasn't on their bad side. Sirius had argued that they both were already on their bad sides, but Marlene had shot him a _look_ and told him just to listen to her. Sirius had wanted to tell McGonagall, as that had played no part in the promise they'd made with him in the forest, but again, Marlene had stopped him, and he found this odd sort of trust in her after the prior events of the day.

Perhaps it was for the best. Sirius didn't really want to spend detention with Snivellus, of all people. And of course, there was the matter of proving it, and the matter of giving Slughorn, the head of Slytherin house, a reason to actually care about his students doing something unsavoury and against the rules. Slughorn had favourites and allegiances that held more weight than the rules he was supposed to abide by, and Sirius was just very glad that he wasn't his head of house, because although McGonagall could be a bit of a cow, she certainly had her heart and her head in the right place, and it was evident that she actually cared for her students, as proved in keeping Sirius behind and sitting him down before her with a smile: comforting and certainly juxtaposing the tone she had just faced him and Marlene with barely a minute or two prior.

"Mr Black," She paused for a moment, pulling her gaze away, finding herself not _entirely_ sure as to quite how she should address the situation at hand. "I find myself concerned. More concerned that I am by your behaviour in general," she gave a look upwards, meeting his eyes and noting the uncomfortable, vaguely distressed look in them, that left him evading her gaze within moments. "I was already going to ask you whether there was anything wrong regarding your behaviour in my class today, but furthermore, I find that you did not attend any more of your classes that day-"

"I went to the hospital wing." He told her, much without thinking, and finding in the skeptical look that followed, that Professor McGonagall was much harder to lie to than he had initially anticipated.

"You told your friends you did, yes, Potter made me very well aware of that." She held his gaze firmly, "went to 'visit you' after classes, they all did, but then of course rushed to inform me that you weren't there, and the tone in his voice, as if I'd kidnapped you or something. Really did believe that you'd gone to the hospital wing, Potter, quite a friend you've got there." Sirius gave a nod, cringing a little, as he found himself daring to imagine the reaction he'd receive when he finally walked into the dormitory that evening. "Lupin, however, not quite so convinced." Sirius nodded once more. "Care not to lie to me this time, Mr Black?"

"I went and sat on the edge of the grounds." He let out a sigh, going to brush his hair behind his ears, but finding the braid instead, "I needed to think," he found himself tugging at the braid slightly, and McGonagall watching him with slightly raised eyebrows as he ran his fingers through his hair, letting it fall freely past his shoulders. "I just... there's a lot going on in my head." He added, finally tucking his hair behind his ears, and finding an odd excess of satisfaction in return.

"Care to enlighten me as to what goings on in your head could possibly lead you to do something quite so foolish?" She gave him a glare, "I do find myself rather _worried_ about you... Sirius." He looked up at the use of his first name, eyeing the professor with a certain inquisitiveness, because this was about _more_ than the Forbidden Forest and he knew that now.

"That's... that's nice?" Sirius became suddenly very aware that this wasn't quite the appropriate response, and that he couldn't just run away from her like he had with James. "Sorry, I- I just... we went into the forest because we felt like something was wrong in there-"

"I know. You've explained this to me in great detail." She reminded him, "I'm asking as to what it is that is going on in your head. As you are my student I am immediately very concerned if there is anything that is so largely affecting your behaviour and landing you in so much trouble."

Sirius let out a sigh, leaning back in his chair. "It's kind of complicated." He pulled his gaze away from her, "and I kind of can't tell you. I kind of can't tell anyone. Actually I _really_ can't tell anyone."

"That's never good, you know? Keeping your problems locked up isn't going to do anything to help-"

"Fucking tell that to my family-" Sirius' eyes widened as he realised just what he'd said.

"Is this a problem with your parents?" She asked, choosing to ignore his less than appropriate choice of language in regards to the circumstances.

"You could say that." Sirius let out a sigh.

"Would you like me to speak-"

" _No_!" Sirius' eyes suddenly grew very wide. "Just don't. It's fine."

McGonagall was less than convinced. "Are you _certain_ -"

"Yes!" Sirius exclaimed, practically leaping to his feet. "Can I go?"

She looked hesitant, before letting out a sigh and giving a nod: hoping only that James, Remus, and Peter were more proficient in getting something of value out of him that she had been.

-

There was a two minute long silence that followed Sirius' return to the dormitory: three pairs of eyes on Sirius as he kicked off his shoes and made his way over to his bed, sitting down, and finding his hair falling into his face, and regretting taking the braid out, as he tucked it behind his ears, because with the way Remus was looking at him now, there wasn't an ample opportunity to casually ask him to redo it.

He wondered what they thought: what they all thought, what discussion and conversation that he'd missed that day - likely conversation of which he'd been the subject of, and Sirius let out a grimace as he fell back onto his bed: eyes fixated up at the ceiling and letting out a sigh, and still the room remained in silence, like they expected him to be the first one to talk, but in truth, Sirius Black didn't have a single thing to say.

Instead, he just _looked_ ; he looked and he noticed; he noticed Remus, knees pulled up to his chest with a book out in front of him, frozen and unable to read anymore with his eyes on Sirius, but not quite meeting his gaze, and he noticed Peter sat on James' bed with him, the two frozen as if they were in mid conversation, but frozen as Sirius had walked in. And he noticed the the toffee in Peter's hands, that he'd stopped eating. And he noticed how this mattered, and how this was important, and how their faces inclined to the introduction of an explanation or even an apology on Sirius' part.

And with time, Sirius felt inclined to say something, just to break the silence, but of course, he didn't have the slightest clue as to what he could say. But the silence was ever so persistent and ever so reluctant to leave upon its own accord, and this was life punishing him for being such a piece of shit today, and he knew it.

"So..." Sirius began, taking a great inhale of breath, as all three pairs of eyes snapped to fixate properly upon him. "So..." he repeated, biting his lip furiously, "are we going to say anything or what?"

"I don't know." James let out a sigh, meeting Sirius' gaze, "depends if you're going to keep lying to us or not..." He wondered if perhaps he'd been a little too harsh, "I mean, look, Sirius, mate- I just... what's going on?"

Sirius reckoned he'd rather that James grew angry and yelled at him than actually be a caring and considerate friend and try and get to the bottom of this, because really, he just wanted everyone to shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, Sirius, we're worried about you." Peter added as Sirius continued to bury himself away in his own head amidst the silence. He glanced towards Remus, who just gave him a half knowing look; there was something, and more to everything, and he knew, but it was he alone that knew, and as he had not told Peter and James, Sirius felt gratitude, like he owed him something, perhaps an explanation. And perhaps he did, but fucking owing people shit, because he didn't care- well he _did_ care, and he did care about Remus, and James, and Peter, very much so, but it was just-

"I can't talk about it." Sirius groaned a little, "I know that sounds like... like a pile of shit, but _honestly_. That's the truth." He met James' eyes, "it's just some shit. It doesn't matter much I just let it get to me, and I mean everything's okay."

"It's not anything that we've done is it?" James asked: concern evident in his voice.

"Course not." Sirius hit him with a grin. "You'd _know_ if you'd done anything, wouldn't you?"

"Promise us it's alright though, Sirius?" James met him with sincerity, "if things keep being like this then-"

"Look, I promise: just one bad day. Everything's fine! It's nothing really, I mean, you know me, always overreacting to everything, aren't I?" Sirius stressed, hoping that they'd accept his explanation, even if it was, of course, lacklustre at best.

"He has a point." Peter added, continuing to eat his toffee, and leaving Sirius to let out a great sigh of relief at the 'sign' that everything was going to be alright.

Sirius rolled over in his bed to face Remus, but found that he was nowhere near as satisfied by Sirius' vague and awkward explanation as James and Peter had been; his face took the form of a frown, and he tugged at his sweater awkwardly, before meeting Sirius' eyes with a sad, yet hopeful expression.

Sirius got up off his own bed and went and sat beside Remus, but found that he didn't lean into him like usual, that there was a wall between them: a coldness, and that Sirius didn't like it one bit.

"It's your parents, isn't it?" Remus' voice was nothing more than a whisper: inaudible to James and Peter who had returned to their own conversation, but Sirius froze all over, eyes wide and terrified of the truth, of the revelation, of what people would say, of what people would think.

He gave a shrug, sitting a little further away from Remus, as if that would stop him continuing this hell of a whispered conversation. It didn't.

Remus followed him and met his eyes: sadness and the desire to read him, the desire to know, the desire to understand, the missing of what was lost, the hatred of the walls and barriers, of what had changed over the summer.

"Stop lying to everyone. Stop lying to yourself. You're only going to hurt people, and you're only going to hurt yourself."

Remus turned away: eyes fixated back down on the book he had been reading, leaving Sirius sat cross legged on his bed, focused on the words, on the gestures shared between them, on the gazes, on the unspoken, on the way they leaned into each other, on their body language, on the way they'd changed from first year, and the people they'd become, and how it had been each other that had affected that, and of course, that could be said for James and Peter also, but with Remus, it was just more than that, it was counting in your head before opening your eyes, and shared moments, and early mornings, and non verbal secrets, looks and smiles, promises - broken and intact: the things between the lines, because when it came to Remus, somehow, it was just different.

And that would never fail to leave Sirius stumped. And that was something Remus imagined he'd just have to accept.

-


	7. everyoneisgay

The healing process. Bruises, and cuts, and all kinds of injuries, and how our bodies healed by themselves, in scars and scabs, and how, without you even thinking about it: sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but always eventually, your body fixed itself, you healed, and everything went back to normal.

Remus was learning an awful lot about the healing process first hand, with the great scar across his face: slowly healing, slowly getting better each day he looked in the mirror. Yet, of course, for Remus, each day he looked at that scar, was another day closer to the day of the full moon - of his transformation: of that night that would cause him to inflict more bruises and more cuts upon his skin, and with nothing he could do about it.

Remus was learning an awful lot about vicious cycles: about the way everything was destroyed, and over a month it slowly pieced itself back together again, only to be torn down and thrown back to square one. Remus was noticing how the scars didn't heal fully anymore before they were reopened, and he found himself waking up in the hospital wing once a month; Remus was noticing how it was all getting worse.

And naturally, he was worried, and he was fretting over books and herbs and remedies, and all hopes of alleviating any sort of pain and damage to himself, because he came to accept that last month, with the scar across his face - it had been close, so very fucking close to blinding him, and now, with only a few days until the full moon, it was anything but close to healing properly.

It wasn't that it wasn't trying: it wasn't that there wasn't effort on his body's part, because there was, and it was the most effort he could have possibly exerted, it just, it just wasn't enough. It was draining him, and it was only going to get worse, and Remus sat with that realisation and the heavy weight of acceptance every morning as he glanced him in the mirror, and muttered something under his breath about the healing process.

Because what he wanted to believe was that the human body was miraculous, and indeed, it was, but just not miraculous enough, because as long as there was no way for him to speed up the healing process, he found himself cursed and generally hopeless, but indeed hoping: clinging onto to the last shards of optimism he found inside himself, as he kept his worries securely behind locked bathroom doors, because these were absolutely not the kind of thoughts he wished to trouble his friends' heads with.

They had enough on their plates already, especially Sirius, who was a terrible liar, and even worse when it came to knowing when to just trust people and offer up an explanation. And honestly, the agony in watching Sirius bear the weight of just whatever it was that was troubling him everyday was killing Remus, because he'd started noticing, and once he'd started noticing he just couldn't stop: it had come like a tidal wave, and suddenly pieces were clicking into place from all angles, and he couldn't step away; he couldn't just leave it be, but still, there was nothing he could do to help

He'd learned that the healing process was really not the same for emotional wounds, because although an insult or an argument looked far easier to overcome than a painful cut in your side, it really wasn't the case, because sure, your body could work miracles and wonders in the field of healing and self preservation, whereas your mind could conjure nightmares and construct all kinds of falsified hells for yourself: unnecessary convictions, and twisted thoughts that ensured the kind of pain you felt up in your mind was nowhere near as quick to heal.

It was something to do with the way the pain you felt in your head, in your emotions, in your heart (figuratively) was easier to hide and lock away in dark corners and distant thoughts; it didn't brandish your skin, and it didn't catch the eyes of others as you walked past - it lay unnoticed, secretive, but so unbelievably omnipresent. You needed distance from pain, you needed distance and you needed closure, and such things were perhaps impossible to achieve when the pain itself was inside your own head.

And Remus knew that. He knew that Sirius needed help: anyone's help, his help preferably, as he was very concerned and more than happy to offer it, but as Remus had continued to ask questions and shoot him concerned glances, Sirius had done nothing but distance himself and lock more doors between them: sealing the fact that he wouldn't let Remus help him in adamance.

Remus had watched, and sat to the side of rooms as Sirius entered them with yells and jokes with James, and stupid comments, and became an over dramatised requisite of his former self. Remus hadn't previously thought it possibly that either James or Sirius could possibly get more arrogant, but within the last few days, Sirius had done quite the job of proving him wrong. Remus had also previously thought that he and Sirius were best friends, but Sirius had made quite the display of proving him wrong, and making quite the scene out of partnering with someone else in lessons where the two had previously worked, or sitting at the different side of the table to him, and it wasn't that Remus minded Sirius working with James or Marlene or someone, it was just that he minded the reason  _ why _ .

Because deep down, Remus was certain that this wasn't out of spite for him; there'd been nothing between them, and the rift was essentially just a product of Sirius' inability to come to accept that perhaps trusting someone and letting them into your head could do a whole world of good. And of course, the naivety shared between James and Peter in regards to the situation at hand, really wasn't doing Remus any favours.

And really, he couldn't help but be pissed off; he knew that there was little point within it, and that it brought no hopes of accomplishment in regards to anything, but in all honesty, it was nearing the full moon, and as much as Remus hated to admit it, he was anything but in control of his emotions.

Perhaps he should take his own advice: fucking talk to someone about it, even if that someone was going to end up being James, who'd undoubtedly look at him oddly and assure him that Sirius was absolutely fine, because of course, he hadn't noticed anything, and then continue to ask him if he was feeling okay, and if this was to do with the full moon, and he'd probably make some stupid fucking joke about it being 'Remus' time of the month', and fucking Sirius would have fucking laughed if he'd been actually making much of an effort to acknowledge his fucking existence lately.

He decided that maybe he shouldn't talk to James, and instead, found a solution in just getting out, just leaving the dormitory, and the confines of the bathroom that he'd locked himself in for a good thirty five minutes now, and just go for a walk: get some fresh air, get some sense running through his head in the place of the convoluted and over complicated, haphazardly processed maniacal nonsense, which he found himself stuck with.

The fault in all this, and really, the fault in himself, was the fact that Remus' head most certainly did not sit in silence and calm as the full moon hung only a few days ahead of him: it was as if the rate at which every part of his mind operated was slowly being accelerated over the month, and as the moon drew so near, everything was at its maximum, with hundreds of thoughts rushing through his head at once, and the ability to catch sight of everything, and the scent of all too much, and Remus got so many fucking headaches, and...  _ fresh air _ . Fresh air was what he had needed, and he was certain of that come the moment he actually stepped out into the grounds.

It hit him like a tidal wave: a tidal wave of clarity, in dulling the over bright colours and easing everything out into familiar earthy tones, and ridding the air of artificial scents and all kinds of noxious odors found in a dormitory shared by four fifteen year old boys. Out in the grounds, Remus could finally  _ breathe _ : no longer doubled over with everything caught up inside of him and instead finding himself slowing down considerably: every kind of pent up anger and aggression inside of him slowing and his heart settling to calmer, steadier pace, and his vision steadying: his head settling, and the taste of the air in his mouth wasn't quite so rancid.

It was the wolf inside of him, and the connection to nature: the animalistic parts of him taking control of his senses as the moon drew nearer, and destroying all comfort he had found in the rich smells amidst the castle, and fantastic, bright colours, which now just threw him into a headache.

Remus found himself wandering to an unoccupied corner of the grounds and throwing himself down at the foot of a tree: pulling his knees up to his chest, before eventually just letting his legs, which he had noticed becoming now  _ awkwardly _ long, sprawl out across the grass beneath him. 

He sat there for a good few minutes: just breathing, just taking in the calm, just taking in the still, and trying not to fixate on the prominent scars on his face and his back, especially reaching up his shoulderblades, but on the ones almost faded on his arms: the ones that didn't haunt him anymore, because healing did happen and it  _ would _ happen with time. It would happen with time and a clear state of mind, and rest, and a breath of fresh air. Remus convinced himself of that and closed his eyes.

He took in the calm; he took in the world in plainer tones: in treelines and horizons, and not unnecessary arguments between friends, and the kind of secrets that would cause more trouble than they were worth.

He took it in with a sigh and let it all fade away around him, because Remus was so tired, so exceptionally tired, even as it was only six that evening, but it was getting darker now: September was hardly winter, barely even autumn, but it was gradual, like healing - the leaves on the trees: decaying and falling to the floor, but growing back just as green and luscious every year.

There was a definite comfort in that.

-

"Remus?"

There was a tap on his shoulder: like fingertips, like spider feet, like the ghost of something: screaming nervous, screaming scared to touch, screaming in whispers, and the gentle touches that wondered of something more, like the faces that smiled at you through windows but never really came out to show themselves and who they were.

" _ Remus _ ?"

There came an urgency: both to the voice and the tapping: like the rushing of water, like the sudden realisation that send your mind freezing up in turmoil, like warning lights out upon the water, like shaky fingers dialling a phone number late at night, like the faces that looked upon you with worry through windows, but hid themselves whenever you caught sight of them out of the corner of your eye.

" _ Remus! _ "

There was certainty this time: meaning, intent, passion, and the tapping had ceased, and inside, the cold air beside him became suddenly rather warm as the space lost its vacancy: like a realisation in seconds in great headlights on a darkened road, like the burning sensation that cut through all of your being, like danger, like a warning, like compassion, like caring, like fingertips no longer ghosting - no longer shaking, no longer gentle, but real, and hot, and sweating slightly, like the faces that you didn't see in the windows, for they met you at the door.

"Re-"

His eyes flashed open.

There came quite the gasp for breath of Remus' part: beginning to shake all over slightly as he fought to take in his surroundings and solidify his understanding of what was real, and what was not, as he took in the darkness and the school grounds, and the tree where he'd been sat, and fallen asleep against, and the cold air, and the presence to his side: sweaty palms and concerned eyes - a face he hadn't seen in months.

"Remus." His words came with the luxury of a smile this time: calm, gentle, but  _ present _ , and his hand was still around his, and everything smelled like spring in September, and Remus-... he didn't know, he didn't know what to do, or what to think, because a good half of his head was still back in his dream, still back in the world he'd seen as he slept: the world of ghostly manors and frosty winters, a world he'd walked as the man who left behind pawprints in the snow, and couldn't find it within himself to speak to anyone. 

The other half was forced to take in the boy sat beside him, and the way his hand was still around his, and the way there had been nothing all summer, and now, and now,  _ this _ . Whatever this was, but his hand was still there, and Remus was still yet to utter a word: mind still frosty cold, and the evening air still managed to retain some warmth.

"Zach." Remus finally forced the boy's name out through his lips: followed shortly by a smile and a nod - a product of courtesy and habit than anything else; Remus was yet to figure out whether he wanted Zach Melvin to talk to him anymore, whether he wanted to talk to Zach at all, and indeed, whether there was anything left to talk about.

"Are you okay?" Zach continued to ask: hand still wrapped around Remus' and body still very close to his. His posture lacked any signs of a desire to leave, any sense of urgency, but instead a calm, a relief, and the face of a boy that hadn't ignored him all summer, and perhaps that was a reason - there usually was a reason, and perhaps Remus should listen, should just  _ breathe _ , just listen, as he sat there already: trying to stop shaking, but the only thing on his mind rang loud in his head like screaming, and-

"Let go of my hand." 

It had been louder than he'd meant it to be: with more conviction, and a degree of spite that held no place, and he found himself inclined to perhaps follow it up with an apology, but his throat had suddenly grown insistently dry.

"Sorry." Zachary muttered, pulling his hand away, and running it back through his hair like there it had never been on Remus'. "I... didn't... I... you were-"

"Asleep." Remus told him: gaze fixated upon the dirt, and the matter of kicking at it with the heels of his shoes. "I'm tired, all that. It's nothing. Nothing that you had to be holding my hand for."

"You were shaking." Zach made quite the point of informing him: voice growing stern, and it seeming to echo around Remus' head: digging into his skin and making him squirm around the impact, because Zach didn't know, and he couldn't know, and he wouldn't know, and in honesty, Remus didn't know him at all anymore. "I had to see if you were alright."

"Yet..." Remus knew it was unnecessary, and was well aware of the nature of his words: laced with a spiteful kind of poison, and how it was practically dripping from his tongue, yet some things just needed to be said, regardless of whether they were useful, kind, or fucking necessary. "You couldn't write to me once all summer. Couldn't see if I was alright then. Which I really wasn't, don't know if you've bothered to notice this lovely scar thing I've got going on, or not?" Remus jabbed at his face and came to regret it as he let out a wince upon impact.

Zachary noticed: it was visible upon his face, yet due to the nature of Remus' words, found himself hesitant to respond. "I heard you became a prefect."

"Did you?" Remus scoffed, letting his head fall back against the tree, because if he'd already started being petty, he knew he might as well go all out. "Fucking well done. I'm so proud of you, I'm honoured that you heard."

"Heard Black jinxed a prefect last week, though." His tone of voice was light: daring, but not quite; Remus made him nervous, and Remus couldn't deny that there was an appeal to that.

"You heard wrong." Remus offered him a smile: running a hand back through his hair. "And his name's Sirius, by the way."

He gave a nod. "Heard he's being more of a prat than usual lately. Didn't know that was possible. Or did I hear wrong about that as well?" He tossed Remus a rather judgemental look, which he really did care for, but in all honesty, he wasn't wrong.

"No." Remus gave a sigh. "That, you got right." He paused for a moment, "why didn't you write to me all summer? Why are you acting like nothing happened?"

"Why are you acting like nothing happened?" Zach gave a nervous laugh. "I thought you... I thought you were making something clear to me on the last day before we went home, you know, I mean you did make it pretty clear-"

"How?" Remus exclaimed: his voice peaking with disbelief. "What the fuck could I possibly be making clear to you saying don't write to me, when I specifically  _ asked _ you to?"

"Him." He let out a sigh: turning away slightly. "That was quite some fucking hug, wasn't it? You can't say there's nothing going on between you."

" _ Who _ ?" Remus scoffed, "for fuck's sake,  _ who _ ?"

Zach gave a glance in his direction, " _ really _ ?" He paused for a moment: gauging Remus' expression, and surprising himself with the legitimacy of it. "Sirius Black."

Remus just  _ stared _ at him. 

"You think I'm- you think me and Sirius are fucking-  _ fucking _ or something because I hugged him at the end of term- he's my best friend, Zach, the fuck am I going to do when I'm saying goodbye?" Remus could only shake his head in utter disbelief. 

"It's more than that." He muttered.

"How the fuck is it more than that?" Remus found himself practically yelling at this point.

"Doesn't matter." Zach got up: kicking at the dirt as he left - not so much as a goodbye in Remus' direction.

Remus wondered if he should have called after him or followed him, or really just done something more than fall back against the tree and watch him go: watch the skies grow darker and talk himself into getting up and going back to Gryffindor tower and dealing with the mess that lay inside the walls of the castle.

But before that, he found himself curious: fixated and wondering just what weight Zach's words could possibly be mean. Because what did a hug mean really? This was just like him hugging Lily and James getting jealous and unnecessarily pissy over that, except, of course, Zach was the Ravenclaw ex-boyfriend of his that none of his friends knew about.

And in all honestly, Remus hadn't sought out in the business of keeping unnecessary secrets, it was just, that amidst it all, Remus' sexuality and the matter of discussing it, because he knew already that it'd be one hell of a discussion, didn't seem to bear notable significance. Or maybe that was just what he was telling himself, because there was something hidden away inside himself that felt an awful lot like doubt, insecurity, and unnecessary prolongation.

-

Sirius was learning a lot about keeping secrets and the effects of poorly made decisions on your mental health, and how, yet, in the scheme of everything, that meant nothing, as long as no one ever found out, and as long as Regulus continued to look at him with confusion and not understanding, and he managed to keep pushing Remus away, which really wasn't something he wanted to do, but as Remus made it explicitly clear that he wasn't just going to leave this be, Sirius found himself left with little choice.

James and Peter, though, they were content in his excuses, and for that, Sirius was silently grateful: all broad smiles, and over compensation and voice too loud and over dramatised: screaming and laughing from the top of his voice even when the jokes weren't funny.

All in all, he was somewhat of a mess. But he could deal with that at a later date; he could deal with that when he didn't have much more important things to think about - things that held much more of a weight over him than the mess with his family had, and this was likely due to the fact that these were the kind of things that Sirius found himself  _ daring _ to think about, because the subject of his family had become a cut off point in his mind: when his thoughts ceased and he had to drown everything in out in something that meant nothing and easy smiles and avoiding the looks that followed.

It was what they, he and Marlene, had seen in the forest last week, and the rather unpleasant nature of it all, coupled with the way Snape had handled the situation, with a slight allegiance to them, which was of course, beyond unexpected, but easily justified with Lily, and of course, Sirius found himself growing restless with everyday passing that Marlene insisted that they kept their promise, because this wasn't just out of spite anymore; Lily  _ deserved _ to know.

Sirius had began to wonder if Marlene had had  _ words _ with Snape, and not just threats, but words involving conversation and negotiation and the discovery of secrets and thing that she perhaps hadn't quite come to the point of revealing to him yet, because Snape had been avoiding him in corridors, and giving him odd looks, but only when he thought Sirius wasn't looking, and as soon as he'd shot a look over in the Slytherin's direction, he'd always made quite the mess out of instantly attempting to assure Sirius that his interest had been fixated upon something else entirely, and with the lack of discretion with which he was doing this, by now it had largely gotten to the point where it was just embarrassing to watch.

And it wasn't like Sirius was just making this up out of nothing, as James had definitely been witness to this upon several occasions, and of course, offered up all kinds of snide and unnecessary commentary at the Slytherin's offense, and Sirius had remembered what Marlene had told him about not getting into any kind of unnecessary trouble, and Sirius had remembered that Marlene did actually seem to know what she was talking about for the most part, but Sirius had remembered that there was no easy way to explain this to James.

He wondered if he should have. Told them, that is, perhaps not James as he'd definitely approach the situation by walking straight up to Snape and Malfoy at breakfast the next morning and hexing them, which was the last thing that they wanted to happen, as Marlene had assured him in the increasing amount of conversations they'd had over the past week. Perhaps not Peter either, as Peter didn't really know how to deal with anything of importance without being able to look at James and gauge how he should react based on his body language and facial expressions, and Sirius had to face it, as much as the guy meant well, he was hardly the best at keeping secrets.

He should have told Remus. It would have made him a little more at ease with him if Remus wasn't convinced that Sirius was keeping everything from him, but Sirius had missed his chance, and he wasn't even sure that the two were on speaking terms at this point, and it was entirely his own fault, and it was only a matter of time until James and Peter caught up upon it and confronted him about it, and then all this mess would start unravelling itself before his very own eyes, and in all honestly, Sirius was just in disbelief with the fact that the aforementioned was still yet to occur.

It was around ten that evening that Sirius found himself curled up on the sofa in the corner of the common room: too lazy to go back to his dormitory, and not really emotionally prepared to put in the effort to convince the others that he was entirely emotionally stable anymore, and largely content with just sleeping on the corner of the sofa, as after all, what difference did it make anyway? And just as it came to the point where he was closing his eyes, there was a rather loud disturbance in the general quiet of the common room: exempt from sound besides the scratching of quills against parchment across the room, and the hushed whispers of a couple of sixth years who were up late finishing homework, of course accompanied by the steady crackling of the fireplace.

The disturbance in question took the form of the redheaded Lily Evans, who bore a rather perplexed expression upon her face. "Don't tell me you're sleeping down here." She gave Sirius a tap on the shoulder, before pulling the blanket that he'd curled up in from his body slightly and getting under it beside him. She took in a deep sigh as she leant back against the sofa and took a moment to process just what she'd been told, and just what she should begin with. Sirius spent the same moment in regret of not finding a darker corner to hide away in.

"Remus is upset, you know?" She said after a moment: her tone quite, tentative, and yet oddly calming, and Sirius found an unexpected reassurance in the way the words fell from her lips that left him in a state of something other than instant outrage at the mere fact that she'd mentioned the subject. If Lily hadn't been, well,  _ Lily _ , he would have been certain that she'd planned this entire conversation and rehearsed it a thousand times over.

"Mmm..." Sirius gave a sigh and the least helpful form of response as he let his gaze drift off to literally anywhere  _ but _ Lily. 

"He's practically spent all week talking to me about you. Probably something to do with the fact that you won't talk to him-"

"I'm not  _ ignoring  _ him!" Sirius was quick to defend himself: even if only down to the technicalities.

"You're acknowledging that he exists, yes, but there's not a great deal more beyond that. Is there?" Lily gave him a knowing look, and Sirius found little point in disputing the truth, with Lily Evans, of all people. "Says there's something you're not telling him. Something important, and that you're ignoring him on the basis that you don't want him to know."

"There's nothing  _ important _ going on with me." Sirius insisted, as on the basis that importance was subjective, it wasn't like he was  _ strictly _ lying to her.

Lily's facial response bore something to the tune of 'why did you even try?', and Sirius had to admit that maybe the way he had been behaving in regards to all of this had created quite the impression of himself and the weight that these 'issues' held. "Remus knows it's something to do with your family."

"Doesn't mean shit, though, does it?" Sirius' tone suddenly grew rather spiteful at the mention of his family, and as much as it unnerved Lily, she knew not to mention it, knowing, as everyone did, that the Black family were hardly on best terms with Sirius. "He doesn't know them. He has no fucking idea what's going on. No one knows anything."

Lily paused for a moment: considering how best to approach what she  _ did _ know, because that really was quite the something, and quite the something she had been holding away, out of conversation for almost two weeks now. "You know the first day of term?" She began, and Sirius gave a nod: instantly warming up to what he saw to be a change in the subject matter. "And we came up to the castle in those carriages."

"Yeah." Sirius gave a nod: his expression suddenly turning sour. "Did you ever find out why I could see those things?"

"Yes." Lily met his gaze: her tone suddenly very stern, and suddenly very sincere. "I did know when you first saw them, I just... I didn't mention it because we weren't alone." Technically, they weren't exactly  _ alone _ at that moment in time either, but the students on the other side of the common room were out of earshot of their hushed voices.

"Is it..." Sirius stumbled over his words. "What is it?" He suddenly grew very pale: his mind cycling through a plethora of worst case scenarios, and naturally settling upon the worst ones.

"You can only see them if you've witnessed someone's death." Lily bit her lip, watching as the boy seemed to emotionally crumble before her. "And..." She added, sighing heavily, "you didn't see them before, something changed over summer, and there's this secret relating to your family, so... I'm-"

" _ Fuck _ ." Sirius choked out: beginning to shake all over, his head spinning slightly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck- fuck, I-" And then suddenly he couldn't breathe as it all played back in his mind: that night in August and the way the world had turned green, and how that had been it, and how there was never anything said, and how that was just... just  _ accepted _ . Something should have come of it, but in the same way, Sirius didn't dare to face that kind of consequence. Sirius didn't dare to face anything at all, and within moments, he found himself curled up: crying into Lily Evan's side.

This made quite the juxtaposition to everything he wanted everyone to think of him, quite the dent in the lies and the reassurance that he was fine, quite the impact upon himself, and the way Lily might think of him, but Sirius came to suspect that Lily had pieced this together days ago, and knew that Lily had held him with no difference in regard, and that Lily was  _ Lily _ , and she always seemed to know what to do, and honestly he just wished he could stop fucking crying.

"I..." His voice came out: softer than before, and practically whispered into her side. "In August... early one morning... I was awake.... and I heard an argument in my father's study and I... I went to look and my Uncle Alphard's there... and I-... and they're yelling and he fucking... my dad he- the killing curse on my uncle, just right there, with nothing to say about it, and I-..." Sirius began choking on his own sobs. "No one fucking knows. They think Alphard's run off. They think nothing of it, not even my mother or my brother know, and he doesn't even know I know, and- I just... I just- what the fuck... I just what the fuck-"

"It's okay." Lily told him - an awful lot like a promise, and Sirius found it within himself to look up and meet her gaze: quickly wiping the tears from his eyes, well aware as to what kind of mess he could possibly look like.

"How the fuck is it okay?" Sirius managed in response: leaning back against the sofa, and letting it all settle back down inside himself again, but finding that it wasn't quite the same weight to bear anymore. 

"You're not with them now. You're here and you're safe, and it's nothing like your fault, and you know what you should do? As stupid as it sounds, tell McGonagall, she can sort this out-"

"Lily, I didn't even really want to tell you, I'm not telling fucking McGonagall. I'm not telling anyone, it's just... it's..." He groaned, pushing his hair from his face and finding his hands shaking. "It's just...  _ this _ . And you're going to tell me to talk to Remus, and I can't fucking talk to Remus, because he looks at me like I'm important and I matter, and he thinks I'm a good person, and he thinks I'm better than them, he thinks I do something about this, but no, I just fucking stood there and let it happen."

Lily found herself a little shocked by Sirius' response, but pulled herself together quickly. "I'm not telling you to tell Remus, I'm just telling you to stop acting like a dick to him. I'm telling you to talk to him, not necessarily about his, but be honest. I've spoken to him too, and look, what happened the last time you and him had that argument in like third year? You remember that fuss James made out of it? Sort it out before James finds out, don't you think?"

Sirius gave a nod, before coming to let out a sigh. "Lily, can I have your hoenest opinion?"

"Yeah, of course." She offered him a smile.

"Would you want to know the truth even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear? Would you want someone to tell you that if it'd upset you but if it was maybe something that you  _ should _ know. I mean, should is debatable, but-"

"If it's important. Then, of course. If it's something about what they think about my hair or something then I'm alright without their opinion, but if it's something that matters, then they absolutely should."

"But how would you define something that matters?"

"I think you can answer me that one, can't you?" She offered Sirius a smile: assuming that this was regarding Sirius and Remus and not herself.

Sirius paused for a moment. "Talk to Marlene. Tell her to tell you or tell her that I will. You should know. I don't care what she said - that's bullshit."

"What?" Lily exclaimed: eyes widening in shock, as she hadn't anticipated that the situation actually related to her.

It was then, however, that the common room door opened, and in stepped a rather disheartened looking Remus Lupin: glancing across in Sirius and Lily's direction, before inhaling sharply and turning his attention up the stairs.

Sirius looked back at Lily, before biting his lip, and pulling himself together: hoping like fuck that it didn't look too much like he'd just been crying as he ran after Remus - desperate to catch him before he reached the dormitory.

"Remus!" Sirius called out, his voice cracking slightly as he did so: finding uncertainty in his tone, and that Remus had ground to a complete halt where he stood, about halfway up the staircase, yet he didn't turn, perhaps as if he couldn't quite believe what he'd heard, or if he just didn't want to, or if maybe the sound of Sirius' quickening footsteps was enough. Sirius could only hope that it was the latter.

"Remus," he repeated; his tone was more hushed this time - gentle, careful, as his eyes remained fixated upon the floor, and really anywhere but Remus'. "Hey..." He let out a sigh as he came to stand before the taller boy on the stairs: although he was two steps further up than him, Remus was still significantly taller.

"Hey." Remus offered in response; his tone plagued by a seemingly permanent degree of awkwardness as he struggled to find his gaze settling upon Sirius'. "What is it? Do you want to copy my homework or something?" He was tired by now, and past the point of expecting miracles on Sirius' part: far past the point of expecting anything at all. "Transfiguration or potions?" Remus continued to fill the silence for a lack of anything better to do, and in all earnest, as an excuse not to meet his eyes in all of this.

"No." Sirius finally pulled himself together and reached forward: grabbing Remus by the arm, but not having anticipated for the way Remus instantly pulled away and took a step back down the stairs. "I-"

"Just don't." Remus finally looked up at him: cold, empty, dejected eyes, and Sirius hated it - hated how it could only be his fault, and hated how he felt powerless in the task of making it better. "Don't touch me." Remus bit his lip momentarily: looking down at his hand, before giving his arm a slight shake, as if to throw Sirius' touch from him. "So is it Transfiguration or Potions?"

"It's neither!" Sirius exclaimed: growing frantically nervous, and raising his voice incidentally in consequence; this appeared to startle Remus who looked up: considering him with a new kind of regard in his eyes.

"We don't have homework for anything else. You don't. I know you don't." He continued: speaking very quietly with the kind of bitter undertones to his voice that left Sirius noticeably upset.

"It's not fucking homework, Remus!" Sirius continued to yell, running a hand back through his hair and cursing wildly and his found his hands beginning to shake slightly. "Not fucking homework."

"Then what-"

"It's my fucking  _ family _ , Remus, you were fucking right, of course you were, you always fucking knew that I-" Sirius broke down into a messy release of words at an inconsistent speed: battling with keeping his tears back, because the last thing he wanted to do right now was  _ cry _ . If Sirius really couldn't let anything happen, it was crying in front of people.

Remus was completely and utterly still: something like a deer in the headlights, but there was nothing doe like about the six foot four, breathless, agitated looking boy that stood before him, as if he wanted nothing more than to look through him.

"I..." Sirius stumbled again, frantically pulling at his hair as he pushed it away from his face. "I... just can't say I... it's... maybe you should know, I just- you're going to think that I'm a bad person because of it, and I- I  _ can't _ have that-"

"Not necessarily." Remus met his gaze for the first time and offered him a sympathetic look. "You can cry in front of me, you know? I'm not going to judge you."

"I can't." Sirius croaked, biting at his lip as he looked over Remus and glanced around at their location and how this was easily the worst place to have this conversation, and-

Remus seemed to read his mind somehow, or at least translate the worried tone to his gaze into words, as he stepped closer to Sirius and gestured up the stairs. "Dormitory." He told him; his tone lacking an element of questioning, yet directly unorder like in nature.

"No." Sirius shook his head firmly: finding his feet sticking to the spot somewhat. "I can't- I... James and Peter... I..." He looked down, shaking his head. "Just us. Please. Just us." His eyes grew wide as they caught onto Remus' with an unearthly kind of desperation. " _ Just us _ ."

Remus paused for a moment, before giving him a nod. "Okay." He wasn't entirely sure if Sirius was about to tell him what was going on, or anything for the matter, he just found himself somewhat overjoyed with the fact that Sirius seemed to have given up on pushing him away, as it confirmed that there was some hope for getting any kind of sense into him at least.

Remus made his way up the stairs, leaving Sirius to follow behind him, as he led the shorter boy past the dormitories and instead down a rather narrow corridor, which at the end of, lay situated a rather large window.

Sirius would have asked exactly where they were going or made some sort of unnecessary comment in regards to the nature and appearance of the dark corridor, but that would be all if he reckoned he could have done so without running the risk of just bursting into tears as soon as he began to speak. And due to that, Sirius wasn't at all sure as to how on Earth he was going to tackle speech, and conversation, and  _ fuck _ , meaningful conversation, but he just let that fall aside as he followed Remus down the corridor and towards the window.

As they approached, Sirius noticed that there was quite a sizeable window ledge, which Remus sat upon: back to the wall and knees pulled up to his chest. He offered Sirius a smile and gestured to the ledge with his eyes; Sirius sat down with his back against the opposite wall, and came to notice just how cramped it was as he couldn't prevent his legs from sliding between Remus', even with his knees pulled upwards.

"Smoking spot." Remus offered the explanation after a moment: delayed as he had always found that it was Sirius who asked the questions. He let out a sigh and pulled his gaze from Sirius momentarily in order to glance the night sky, and let his gaze fall upon the moon and his whole body shudder slightly in response. Sirius picked up upon this, and made no haste in following Remus' gaze outside, and taking in his own gasp of breath as he came to recognise what had brought out such a reaction in the taller boy. "Three nights away." He told him, like Sirius didn't already know the dates of every full moon for the next ten years, like Sirius hadn't learnt these things for him.

"It's going to be okay." Sirius finally managed, and he reckoned the shaky tone to his voice was doing him absolutely no favours. "It's going to be fine. You're strong, you're brave, you're wonderful, come on, Moony, it's going to fine. I promise."

Remus didn't respond, only reached up and touch the scar across his face.

"I mean it." Sirius emphasised, leaning forward slightly, although with the close proximity there was very little need. "You're... You're you, of course you're going to be fine."

Remus scoffed: touched by the fact that Sirius really believed that, but of course largely skeptical to it. He let his gaze fall over the dark haired boy and took in a gasp of breath, wondering just what would come of this conversation, and what would lay in the aftermath: more empty gazes and a lack of acknowledgement, or whether things would go back to normal, or, of course, whether they'd sit here and refine their kind of normal, although, Remus wasn't at all sure that he was prepared for anything like that in that moment. 

"Are you going to tell me?" Remus asked before he could quite stop himself and rephrase and sugarcoat the answer, but from the way Sirius met his gaze, he guessed that to some degree, Sirius was thankful for the fact that he'd spoken his mind purely, and neglected to wrap it up in pleasantries and falsifiers. 

"I don't know." Sirius suddenly felt very small and very scared, and it was only Remus, but it was  _ Remus _ , and at the same time, it was so much more than  _ only _ Remus. "I want to tell you, I just... I think I should anyway, I don't know, I just don't know how to  _ say _ it." Sirius admitted: gingerly drawing up his gaze to meet Remus'. "You could ask Lily to tell you, I think she'd be able to phrase it better than me."

"Lily knows?!" Remus' voice suddenly jumped in volume: his eyes widening as he looked over Sirius with the same expression James had given him when he'd hugged Lily for longer than what he'd deemed an appropriate time slot. "You told her?"

"No." Sirius shook his head. "She figured it out herself. You know what she's like."

"I hate the fact that I'm fucking jealous." Remus threw his head back against the wall, and Sirius was unsure if he'd meant to say that aloud. "It's your fucking problem, and it's clearly affecting you, and I- I just... I'm going through some things as well, not that they would weigh up to your problems, of course, but-"

"It's my fault for ignoring you for a week." Sirius sighed. "I just couldn't... I just... I kept getting so scared that you'd find out and then you wouldn't want to know me, so I figured maybe it was better to push you away myself. Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much then. I don't know. I'm not good at making decisions. Not good at anything really."

"That's not true." Remus suddenly grew very insistent. "You are fantastic, look at your grades, you're doing brilliantly in most subjects despite not trying, you're funny, you're pretty, you're on the quidditch team, you-"

"Pretty." Sirius repeated: raising his eyebrows and biting back a smirk.

Remus flushed pink. "I guess..."

"Pretty." Sirius repeated to himself: finding the whole situation serving as an amusement. "What happened to sexy and handsome?"

"Is pretty not as good?" Remus narrowed his gaze and let a grin fall over his lips.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know." He glanced back at the moon for just a moment. "Thank you, you know? You shouldn't have to put up with me being an ass when you have your time of the month-"

" _ Sirius _ ." Remus' tone bear a sense of warning.

"That's what it is, isn't it?" Sirius' face gave way to a grin. "But, look, I'm being a prat, and it's... I should tell you, I mean it's just, you know? Just talk to Lily, I mean, you should probably hit her up with a 'thank you', I mean she talked me into talking to you, and if that hadn't happened, who knows how long I'd... I don't know... it's all a mess, really. I don't know why you're forgiving me for being such an ass, I-"

"You're my best friend, Sirius." Remus said like it was nothing. "You, as a person, matter much more than an argument, and I... I shouldn't have been so intrusive about your family shit, I know that's personal to you, but I just... I don't know, honestly. I get worried about you sometimes, a lot."

"James told me that once." Sirius sighed. "I told him to go fuck himself."

"Are you going to say the same to me?" Remus found himself daring to ask.

"No." The word seemed to echo around his head.

"Why not?"

"It didn't seem to work much last time, did it?"

-

Remus thought it was just his fucking luck. It was just now that one mess plaguing his life and his mind had been thankfully easily concluded, or at least for the most part, as he was of course, yet to actually discover just  _ what _ it was that had put Sirius into such a mess in the first place, but he knew it better just to wait until someone opted to tell him instead of pressuring either Sirius or Lily for answers, as he wanted nothing less than to end up back in that mess of aimless glares and silent screaming, because the worst arguments and fights were the ones that went unspoken, and just left to settle and brew inside of you - Remus was so very sure of that by now. He just hadn't expected to find himself amidst another, and one that bore much the same structure as the prior, in the silence and the obnoxious turns of heads, and all that was worse this time was that Remus hadn't slightest clue as to just what he'd  _ done _ .

He sat beside Lily in Arithmancy: having walked into the classroom with a clear mind and a free conscience, left with nothing more than the approaching moon to fret over, but really, perhaps Sirius had been right - he'd lived through hundreds of moons, and just what difference could this one make? Of course, it was gradually getting worse, but  _ gradually _ , and he'd be okay, and there was something about Sirius smiling at him again that melted everything else away, and of course, Remus was well aware of just how ridiculous that was, but it was far better than how it had been.

However, as the lesson had dragged on, it became apparent that the somewhat harsh and unnerving tones to Professor Vector's voice were not the greatest source of tension in the room, and after a moment or two of silent inspection from where he sat, Remus found that the source lay in the most unlikely of places: in Lily Evans, right beside him. Such a realisation had him doing a double take, however there was something unmistakeable about the look in her eyes: the unmissably bright shade of green seeming less beautiful spring meadows and just that bit more venomous, deadly snake.

He found that he really hadn't seen Lily taking on this kind of... anger... disgust... hatred before? Whatever it was, because in all honestly, he found it impossible to pinpoint without attempting to talk to her about it, but doing so, in Professor Vector's lesson was far from a good idea. In truth, Lily didn't really seem to express this kind of emotion, because there was a definite bitter tone to it all, and when she expressed anger it was definitely not like this, and definitely not bottled up within her, and then again, she didn't really seem to get thrown into a state like this with ease, as not once had she faced James with this kind of dislike despite all he'd done in an attempt to get her attention over the past few years, and he really had done quite the array of horrific things, most of which, Remus had found himself bearing unfortunate witness to.

And thus, if he thought this was bad, what had caused it could only be worse.

Remus was left with such thoughts in his mind throughout the majority of the lesson, until Professor Vector finally allowed them to work in pairs on the work she had assigned, and in that, was of course the perfect opportunity to approach Lily, which in theory, was something Remus jumped at, but in reality, he remained rather silent and rather still as Lily began to work: again in silence, but with a certain ferocity to her movements that left Remus unsure what could possibly have occurred.

At one point, perhaps a few minutes later: Remus toppled with the weight of his worries and assumptions and the silence that had encased them suddenly came to snap like it held nothing at all. "What is it? Have I done something?"

As Lily looked up at him: the same bitterness still present in her eyes, Remus came to regret even asking. "You haven't." She let out a sigh, before leaning back in her chair and brushing her auburn hair from her face, but finding that it kept falling back into her eyes, and eventually, she gave up, and muttered a quick charm to tie it up into a ponytail. 

Remus thought that perhaps Sirius would appreciate such a charm, but of course, Sirius would probably have some assholeish gender role inforced qualms with it all, but then again, he had let Remus braid his hair, but that had been for a dare, hadn't it? Remus quickly reminded himself, that despite popular belief, there were actually more important things to think about other than Sirius Black's hair.

"It's..." Lily bit her lip momentarily. "I don't know. I don't know what to think... I'm just... It's all a bit confusing really, but it's..." She trailed off, gesturing in the air with her hands as she searched for an appropriate word. "It's..." She tried again, before letting out a sigh, and turning so that she faced Remus directly. "What would you think if you found out that one of your best friends had been lying to you about something really important, or well, just failing to mention the very important truth about someone and something that's very important to you?" Before Remus could even think about responding, she continued, "and what if the person who had told you what they'd been withholding from you was another one of your close friends but then the original friend tells you that the friend who told you was also in on it and involved in this mess when you confront them about it? And what if you don't want to get angry with either of these people, but you just don't know what to think, but then they haven't even told you the entire truth it's just... it's about Severus, and you know what everyone is like about him, and it's not like I want to discredit the truth to it, I just-" She paused for a moment, "maybe they had a point in not telling me... ahh... I don't know."

"I'm not exactly following you here." Remus added after a moment, watching as Lily threw her head down onto the desk, before getting back up again and offering Remus a hopeless and incredibly forced smile. "Would you want someone to tell you something important that relates to you even if they thought it'd hurt you and cause more trouble than it's worth, and it does, but-... what would you think?"

Remus paused for a moment, and suddenly thought back to what Sirius told him the previous night when they'd sat by that window and finally spoke, and Sirius had confessed that he feared what Remus would think of him after discovering what it was that had been troubling him so much. There was no denying that Remus wasn't as keen to discover the truth as he had been prior to this mess, but he reckoned that he still needed to know, and that the pain that might be caused by it seemed so much more temporary than the impact of the problem itself.

"If it's important. If it's important enough for them to have made such a fuss out of it, then yes, I'd want them to tell me." Remus finally came to conclude, letting out a sigh as he met Lily's gaze. "I mean, with Sirius... I guess it's kind of different, but he's worried about what I might think, but I don't... I just want to help him."

" _ About Sirius _ ..." Lily let out a sigh, "this is kind of to do with Sirius." She found herself admitting, and not daring to check Remus' reaction as she continued: well aware of how Remus felt about the boy. "He's the person that told me that someone-  _ Marlene _ was keeping something from me. But he meant well by it, I'm sure, I just... I don't know, but I just want to know what they're doing, because it sounds like-"

"What do you mean what they're doing?" Remus' heart skipped a beat and he spent a good few minutes hating himself for it afterwards.

"Not like that." Lily fell into a sigh. "I can't believe you- Remus, you- you have like a full blown crush on him again, don't you? Oh  _ come on _ , don't look at me like that, all this constant worrying and- this is like third year all over again I-"

"It's not." Remus insisted: biting his lip rather firmly and coming to regret it later. "I just don't like the idea of Sirius and Marlene _doing_ _things_." Lily raised her eyebrows but decided not to say anything about it - at least not now, in their arithmancy class, anyway. "I still haven't got around to coming out to any of them, you know?"

"Remus!  _ How _ ?" Lily exclaimed: her eyes wide with disbelief.

"Just hasn't come up in conversation." He muttered, attempting to shrug it off.

"Well, anyway," She let out  _ quite _ the sigh in response to that, "Sirius and Marlene were just... I don't really know, but it's not like that. I think they're just... I don't know, you know how Sirius had those detentions?" Remus gave a nod in response, "they were in the forbidden forest, and they saw Severus in there with Lucius Malfoy, apparently, and Marlene won't say anything else, but I just-"

"What the fuck were they doing in there?" Remus exclaimed, biting at his fingernails with concern. "It's dangerous, literally full of fucking dangerous creatures, and I-... I just..." Remus shook his head, "they could have gotten hurt, and all to fucking look at some Slytherins."

"Marlene said it was more than that." Lily continued, "but I don't know. I don't know how I  _ could _ know, really... I think maybe... I don't know honestly... there's a lot going on with Sirius. I don't know if Marlene knows, I don't think so, well at least I'm pretty certain that Sirius wouldn't have told her, but as to whether she found out on her own..." Lily shrugged, "Marlene's pretty resourceful like that."

"So everyone knows besides me-"

"One,  _ possibly _ two people." Lily narrowed her eyes. "You  _ like _ him."

"Of course I like him, he's my best friend-"

"Oh not like that, you know I don't mean like that, for..." She let out a sigh, running one hand back through her hair. "I-... Sirius... it's a lot. It's really a  _ lot _ . You know? I don't think we should bother him about this, but now, I think Marlene hates me or something, so I-"

"You want me to speak to Marlene?" Remus asked, not entirely opposed to the idea, but not exactly jumping at the chance either.

"I could get Mary or Alice to but-"

" _ I'll do it _ ." Remus told her with a smile. "Find out what exactly  _ is _ going on between her and Sirius."

"You  _ so _ like him."

"So do  _ not _ ."

Lily rolled her eyes, finding even a smile creeping onto her face in response. "Whatever you say, Remus. Whatever you say."

-

It wasn't that Marlene was  _ psychic _ or anything. She was very observant. And maybe a little bit psychic, but perhaps  _ intuitive.  _ Intuitive was the kind of word she would use. Although her natural knack for Divination might disagree, but she could always claim that she'd only taken it for an easy pass as much as she wanted.

Marlene was also very stubborn, and gave absolutely zero fucks when it came to messing with things that maybe she shouldn't, and in doing so, perhaps smudged the moral boundaries slightly, but she did so for the  _ right _ reasons - if she didn't then she wouldn't be in Gryffindor, and really, Marlene McKinnon made one  _ hell _ of a Gryffindor.

She'd just wanted to protect her friends in all of this, by finding out just  _ what _ was going on with the Black family, and just what Lucius Malfoy had been doing in the Forbidden Forest, but Marlene definitely couldn't be psychic, as through all of this, what she certainly hadn't predicted was a certain side effect of all of this. This getting involved in other people's business, in Slytherin business and Slytherin problems; she'd kept a detached approach by giving first year kids free sweets and free passes whenever she caught any of them doing anything questionable as long as they would be so inclined to stand at the end of a certain corridor for a while and report back to her what they had heard, however, evidently this hadn't been as untraceable as she'd intended.

Marlene wasn't at all as to how she'd gotten here, but what was the fact was that she  _ had _ ; at something like one in the morning, she was sat in the Room of Requirement - the room holding the form of a rather classy and posh looking lounge: something reminiscent of a posh manor house, with velveted furnishings and intricate paintings upon the walls. The decor made Marlene raise her eyebrows, but after all, she wasn't the one who'd first walked into the room. It was the blonde haired Slytherin girl who sat across from her who had.

"You don't think this is a good look?" The girl asked: seeming to have taken note of the vague dissatisfaction with which Marlene had regarded her surroundings.

"It's a bit..." Marlene met her gaze as she stumbled for the right word. "It's overdone. Do we really need to... have all this to sit and talk, Narcissa?"

"It's more comfortable though, isn't it?" She gave a small giggle, before shifting the way she was sat and flashing Marlene a grin. "Do you not expect that this might be a long conversation. We might as well be comfortable, don't you think?"

"I think it's something to do with you being a Black. Something to do with the fact that your privileged ass can't survive without gold furnishings." Marlene had somewhat of a point, but Narcissa scoffed in response to it.

"The whole point of this room is that it can give you whatever you want, and what's the point in wanting something subpar when you can have anything?" She offered Marlene a smile. "Surely you'd get that. What's the point in accepting what little you know when you can always go after more? It's dangerous, isn't it? Getting into other people's business, but what would you Gryffindors be without danger and the chance to be heroic?"

"Something's  _ wrong _ , though, you  _ know _ that." Marlene met her gaze, and there was no denying the way Narcissa's gaze softened momentarily before she continued. "If you've picked up on me picking up on it, then you've noticed it all."

"Not all of it." Narcissa admitted with a sigh. "I wasn't in the forest that night. I know you were, though. Did you know Snape talks in his sleep? Better yet, do you know he has nightmares?"

Marlene grimaced: unsure exactly how to feel in response - there was something unsettling about Narcissa's tone, and somehow her making remarks in response to Severus Snape wasn't quite the same as Marlene's fellow Gryffindors doing so. "And why were you watching him sleep?"

"I was watching him sleep. I was in his dormitory: looking for something." She gave a shrug, before leaning forward and brushing it off. "It's not important what it is. What is important is what happened in the forest. I think, we need to come to some sort of agreement here, some sort of truce in all of this - we both want to figure out what it all is, and we both know things that the other doesn't, and honestly, I think the whole Sirius and Regulus thing is connected to whatever Malfoy is doing."

Marlene was hesitant, and somewhat reluctant to trust the sixth year Slytherin, but there was one thing that Narcissa was, and that was right, and Marlene needed to admit that perhaps she wouldn't be able to get much further with blackmailing first years into conveniently situating themselves at the end of corridors for several minutes at a time. "Alright." She gave a nod. "What happened in the forest..." Marlene paused for a moment: letting out a sigh and remembering the whole situation with Lily, and how Sirius had felt it appropriate to send her looking for answers when she'd specifically told him not to, and honestly it was the last thing she needed on her mind. "I was with Sirius-"

"Exactly how close are you to my cousin?" Narcissa interrupted to ask: tone inquisitive and head inclined in interest. "Just wondering. You've not really been mentioned, but then again, I don't really talk to him - he doesn't really like me. I wouldn't say he  _ despises _ me. That's reserved for my sister Bellatrix. He definitely likes Andromeda better than me, but then again, he doesn't really like any of us. Bellatrix is a bit... terrifying at times, though - he does have a point in that regard."

"We're friends." Marlene told her, "it wasn't a planned kind of trip or anything... I mean, he was sat at the edge of the grounds - he'd had a bad day and stormed out of classes and gone and hidden himself away, and I'd gotten into an argument with someone so I was a bit fucked up and I didn't really know where I was going I just..." She trailed off, noticing the way in which Narcissa's face had shifted into a purely unreadable expression. "The argument wasn't relevant," she made a point of clarifying, but it did nothing to rectify the look in Narcissa's eyes. "We both felt that something was definitely  _ off _ and was coming from the forest, so we decided to go and investigate-"

"Typical fucking Gryffindors." Narcissa let out a sigh, rolling her eyes.

Marlene shot her a look of disbelief for a moment, before following it up with, "typical fucking Slytherin." Narcissa really looked up at that: having not expected that kind of response, and Marlene was fairly certain she was going to yell at her until Narcissa's face gave way to a small smile: the gesture seemed accidental but it was unmissable, and although she made no verbal response to Marlene's statement, there was no doubt about the impact it had made upon her: the girl who was popular and fussed over by many, who no one saw much worth in questioning.

"So, we went into the forest," Marlene continued her story after a few moments had passed, "and we get a way in, and there's... there's this fucking  _ arm _ just attached to a tree, and it has this mark upon it, but it's not something we were able to make out, because then Malfoy was coming and we had to go and hide. Sirius fucking dropped his wand next to it, though, and they noticed it - it was Malfoy, Snape, Crabbe, and Goyle, I'm pretty sure. They split up to go look for whoever dropped the wand, and Snape came and found us, he gave Sirius his wand back and offered not to say anything as long as we didn't mention anything about it all to Lily. Lily Evans, he has this massive crush on her."

"So you have no idea what they were doing?" Narcissa raised her eyebrows in response.

"Yeah, well we kind of wanted to get the absolute fuck out of there, you know, after seeing an arm attached to a fucking tree, that just  _ creeps _ you out, doesn't it?" Marlene met Narcissa with a somewhat half-hearted glare: there happened to be something inside of that just couldn't quite get fully agitated by it all - perhaps it was the time, perhaps it was the circumstance, perhaps it was the way Narcissa always looked down like she was embarrassed when she smiled.

Narcissa gave a sigh. "Sirius watched his father kill his uncle." The casual way at which the words flew from her lips caught Marlene by surprise: her heart suddenly thudding in her chest. "Watched him do nothing about it: killing curse and all that. Everyone thinks Alphard just ran off like a coward, but he wrote letters - the two of them wrote letters, and it's clearly stated that Alphard went to visit Orion Black at his home: said they had business to discuss in his study. Alphard never came home after that, and come on, I don't think you've seen Sirius' father, but the guy looks like a spitting image of some sort of murderous supervillain. Things are easy to fit together when you stop relying entirely on magic, you know? Everyone gets so caught up in it, but when you just  _ look _ , logically and by yourself, it isn't that hard to fit together at all."

"How do you know Sirius saw it?" Marlene found herself asking; her voice shaking as she spoke - fixating upon Sirius and how he'd been so far since the year had started, and how it had all been this that had been affecting it.

"Well, come on, we have Sirius: evidently fucked up due to some kind of family tragedy, and we have one secret family tragedy, so evidence leads to the fact that Sirius saw it happening but no one knows he did, and of course, no one else knows-"

"Well, you know. And I know." Marlene told her, entirely cursing, because this was the kind of thing she absolutely couldn't discuss with Sirius, but it was also the kind of thing that she just felt uncomfortable with leaving unspoken.

"Not so much of a secret anymore." Narcissa gave a sigh. "Regulus is smart. He'll figure it out, eventually anyway. Might take him some time, I mean, the kid's thirteen, but he'll get it. And he'll be the one to talk to Sirius about it, and that'll be when everything kicks off. We have to figure the rest of it out before that, especially  _ why _ it was done, because murder, murder is nothing without a motive. I mean, what makes you kill your brother in law?"

"In your family, seemingly anything." Marlene gave a shrug, and noticed how a smile graced Narcissa's lips once more. "I'm just saying... from what I've seen, you really are quite the fucked up bunch. I mean, what fucks someone up that bad?"

Narcissa gave a laugh. "Inbreeding, of course."

-


	8. sorry this took so long to update but we're back now with a pretty long chapter :)

Remus didn’t really want to do this, especially with the moon being so close, and his life being generally one hell of a fucking mess, but, the thing was, he’d make a promise, and a promise was a promise, especially when it came to Lily Evans, who would most certainly follow up on that promise and ruin your life when you didn’t follow through with it.

And of course, it wasn’t like it was a bad thing to do, perhaps it was the good thing to do, but Remus was just tired, and fucked up, and had spent the last twenty hours having a seemingly incurable headache, and really, the last thing he wanted to do was go and push his friendship with Sirius any further by talking to Marlene about what they’d been doing, especially seeing as he and Sirius had barely just fixed things, but it wasn’t an outrageous thing to do, and he had promised, and he really was in Lily’s debt as she continued to turn a blind eye to the fact that he was absolutely the worst prefect to ever grace Hogwarts.

It was with this in mind that he found himself approaching Marlene after class. He didn’t want to say that Marlene scared him, because she didn’t, because when you’ve turned into a murderous werewolf every month since you were five, it sorts of distorts fear itself, and nothing else seems to even come close to it.

It’s one of those things that Remus really didn’t like about the whole werewolf thing. It’s the fact that it has affected him, and it’s the fact that it was evident, and it’s the fact that the werewolf part of him inside really wasn’t just something he could hide away inside himself and insist was entirely separate from the human Remus, because it wasn’t,, it doesn’t work like that, as much as he hated it, it doesn’t; he’s not a wolf at full moons, and a human for the rest of the month, he’s a fucking werewolf, at all times. 

Lily had once gone rambled on to him about self acceptance in second year - something about he should accept that he’s a werewolf, yet that fact doesn’t at all state that he’s a bad person. But Lily didn’t get it, because Lily was human, and Lily didn’t quite see it all like Remus did, and she didn’t quite know all he did: all the stories from his father, of magical creatures and werewolves in particular, and how they are, above all, looked down upon and held with distaste. And Lily didn’t see the way people’s faces shifted at the mention of the word ‘werewolf’, because Lily didn’t spend such lessons on edge and on the verge of a panic attack, because this was all just a thing she didn’t understand and didn’t have to deal with.

But it was Lily, and she always meant well, and it wasn’t her fault, it was just Remus’ fucking fault for being so fucked up by the moon, for being in such a state that he was basically incapable of functioning and talking to people, and especially keeping promises.

Promises were important though, and Remus held that close to his chest. It was that which led him to actually bring himself to wait for Marlene, as much as she unnerved him, and had this knack of knowing more about him than he would regard with content, but, of course, Marlene was one of those people, that through it all, meant well. And she probably wasn’t fucking Sirius. Probably. Hopefully. 

Remus had maybe just let his feelings for Sirius overwhelm him again. It wasn’t his fault. If it was fucking anyone’s fault then it was Sirius’, because Remus knew for sure that he wasn’t the one walking around with that face, and those eyes, and that fucking smirk, and the dumbest fucking jokes, and his hair always in his eyes, and the stupidest ideas, but overall, the deepest care and concern for his friends. 

So really, with Sirius being Sirius, he couldn’t blame Marlene for fucking him or whatever, because Remus would happily leap at the opportunity, except he found that he would, because of course, his emotions were in all the wrong fucking places right now, and this was easily the worst time, but a promise was a promise, and that lay above all.

And at least, if Sirius and Marlene were fucking, then that was a solid slap in the face telling him to move on, and to some degree, maybe Remus needed that, because with the way things were going, Lily was looking more and more insistent that he actually came out to his friends, which seemed all fine in practice, but there was just… just… it would be like them finding out he was a werewolf all over again. Not the kind of thing he felt like he could just tell people, but the alternative of his friends walking in on him kissing a boy or something was hardly better, but he found himself determined to ignore it all and push it off as long as humanly possible, because he’d promised Lily to talk to Marlene about Sirius, not to sort his life out.

Marlene was the last to leave her Transfiguration classroom, and by the time she did so, Remus was beginning to sweat slightly, because Marlene just was one of those intimidating kind of people - she always meant well, but there was absolutely no doubt in the fact that she could and would kick anyone’s ass at any worthwhile opportunity.

She met his eyes as she made her way out into the corridor and offered him a small smile, before gesturing for him to follow her as she lead him down to a less crowded corridor. Remus followed without question: rather grateful to get out of crowd himself.

“So,” she began, leaning back against the wall, eyeing the second year students at the other end, before turning her attention back to Remus, who was perched awkwardly beside: his body appearing too big for him as always, as if he was somewhat trapped in a mess of stretched, lanky limbs. “It’s about Sirius, isn’t it?”

Remus’ eyes widened and he regarded her with disbelief, “I- I-... what?” He stammered out, suddenly losing all ability to think coherently, because this really wasn’t one of his best days.

“You want to talk to me about Sirius.” She clarified, offering him a smile, “I mean, I guessed you would - he’s Sirius, he’s your Sirius.” Her lips curled upwards into something that resembled a smirk.

“You… I…?” Remus found himself tripping over his words once more, “my Sirius? I… he’s just… I… Sirius.” He looked up at Marlene: wide eyed, and red faced, and as usual, her face held an almost amused countenance, although with a hint of something else held with more care behind it - something Remus failed to quite put his finger on.

“Just Sirius.” She repeated, her face bearing a relaxed kind of smile, “and you’re just worried about him, except you’re not just worried - it’s so much more than that. Isn’t it?”

“I…” Remus’ eyes widened: entirely unsure as to what he could possibly do or say, or how or why she could possibly know.

“He cares about you. A lot.” Marlene continued, brushing her hair away from her face. “You know that, though, don’t you? You’d be an idiot if you didn’t, and I really don’t think you’re an idiot, Remus, so I don’t think you should think I’m one either. We pick up things about each other even without speaking one on one very much - it’s just a natural thing.”

“What do you mean?” Remus’ heart began to pound irrationally in his chest as anxiety took one hold of him and tugged him away from all rationale. 

“Just a natural thing.” Marlene made a point of emphasising her smile and the good nature of her intentions with her eyes: meeting Remus’ with a certain brightness to them. “Sirius is going to tell you what’s going on soon, he has to, and it’s not a pleasant thing, but it’s… it’s not as bad as it could be, at least not right now. It’s just that, Remus, there’s an awful lot going on with certain people, hidden away in certain places, and I’m just trying to piece this all together the best I can, because I want to know who and I want to know why, and I want to know those things so I can help people and protect my friends, and Sirius was with me when something happened, and Sirius is… he’s sort of in a weird position in all of this… because it’s… it’s… about sides, and he’s still a Black, whether he’s-”

“That doesn’t fucking mean anything.” Remus found himself snapping, almost like a reflex, because that was what defending Sirius was to him now, because if Remus knew anything, it was that Sirius Black was so much more than his last name and the family tied to it.

“It shouldn’t. You don’t want it to. We don’t want it to. But it does, in the way things are unravelling, at least, and he’s got a lot on his mind, he’s got a lot to deal with, so just be there for him, okay? And he will tell you soon enough, I promise you.” And Remus couldn’t deny the truth and security held in that promise, because a promise was a promise and they did mean something, after all.

“And, uhh…” Remus began to stumble over his next point.

“Lily?” Marlene met him with a questioning, yet somehow, already certain nod.

“Something about S-... Severus.” Remus met her with an awkward kind of uncertain look. “She wasn’t very clear, but she’s upset, and she wants you to talk to her and explain it all.”

“There are somethings that some people don’t need to know, though. Things that would upset people, and upset the balance, and tip things over edge, and through everything into the kind of mess that we absolutely do not need.” Marlene held his gaze with care and uncertainty. “Remus, it’s just… there’s more going on here than something Severus Snape might have wanted to keep Lily Evans from knowing, and honestly, maybe it was for the best, because it’s just… there’s certain things you can’t unsee and certain things you can’t unhear, especially this conversation, this is going to plague your head, this is going to eat away at you, and you’re either going to let it or give in and get yourself entwined in all of this mess.”

“If Sirius is… if he’s… I can’t leave him alone. I need to be there for him.” Remus’ words came sporadically and with twitchy fingers and the struggle of holding a gaze with a person who seemed to already know the answer to every question they asked of you.

“I know.” She smiled, “and that’s why he’s going to tell you, because beneath this all, he feels the same. There are complications, because what is life without complications, but it’s you and him, for sure.”

“What do you mean?” Remus stumbled over the possibility of what she might be implying, because Lily had maybe hinted that she could know, but she couldn’t know, and it just didn’t sit right in his head, not at all.

“You know what I mean, come on, Remus, you’re not an idiot. We both know that.”

-

“I don’t care.” His words held a certain uncertainty: unsure of himself, above all, but his posture held the utmost arrogance and self security; he was pulled inside out, a mess, and curled up in the corner of the Slytherin common room, having wished that no one would have bothered him all afternoon as long as he kept up the illusion that he was buried deep within a Transfiguration textbook, and was attempting to concoct some last minute half arsed homework or something. It didn’t work out like that.

“You do, though.” The second boy: older with white blonde hair and a smug, leer ghosting behind every smile - a man of two sides held together solely by the fact that the world conversed in lies and secrets. “You do because you’re not studying, because you did that piece of homework last week. I saw you.”

“What are you watching me now or something? Stalking me?” The first boy retorted, finding himself finally placing the book down onto the table and looking up at the older boy, holding a piercing gaze with cold, blue grey eyes. “I told you, I don’t care. I don’t care and I don’t want to know.”

“But you do. I know you, Regulus. Of course you do.” The corners of Lucius’ lips curled up into something that could have been perhaps mistaken for a smile by someone that didn’t know him at all. Regulus Black was not that someone.

“But I don’t think you do.” Regulus continued to hold strong and push Malfoy away. “I don’t think you get that when someone makes a point of ignoring and walking away from you for a good week, it means that they don’t want anything to do with you or your little fucking stupid plans.”

“Snape phrased it wrong, you know, should always do it yourself.” Lucius let out a sigh: clearly irritated through all of this, and as to what this was, Regulus was letting on that he was much more certain than he could have ever possibly been. “He’s an idiot. Too eager. You’ve got your head in the right place: thoughtful, got some brains to you, not a suck up.”

“I don’t care.” Regulus repeated once more, finding himself raising his voice more than he wanted to in order to emphasis his point, but beyond all, Lucius was persistent and held such a gesture with very little concern.

“But you don’t know, you don’t really know what it is.” Lucius continued, “you don’t know what’s happening, and you don’t know what could become of it, and what could become of you. And your brother - he’s dragging you down, dragging your whole family down. You have that Gryffindor as a brother - it makes a mark, and I can help you with that-”

Regulus never really wanted to express much in the way of sympathy or caring towards Sirius, but he found that his head was in anywhere but the right place at that moment in time. “Sirius isn’t a fucking mark. He’s a person.”

“Subpar to you on all accounts, though.” Malfoy continued, taking a slight detour in the subject. “You’re younger yet already wiser, already better, already more sensibly put together. You have your head in the right place, and I’m not surprised that you’re apprehensive to trust me, because you’ve got wit and cunning, ambition, you’re a picture perfect Slytherin, and you know that you shouldn’t trust me on first thought, just because I’m older, just because I’m a Malfoy, just because I can go out of my way to intimidate you. And that’s what I like about you, Regulus. That’s what’s important.”

Regulus leaned back in the chair, shaking his head in disbelief, “you just don’t get it, do you? I don’t fucking care. I do not care. Not in the slightest, not at all. I don’t like you, Malfoy, and I don’t like your little ‘gang’, and I don’t care for being involved with you, and I don’t care for talking to you, not at all. I’m not being ‘cunning and ambitious’, I’m just looking at things clearly, and in that, I see that you’re an idiot, and the wrong kind of person, and that you’re stirring up the kind of mess I don’t want to involve myself with. Not at all.”

“Stupid of you, that is.” Lucius stepped back and his expression quickly turned sour. “I thought better of you, you know that? But you’re just like your brother, after all, and I don’t know why I expected any different, just fucking wait until I’ll see you buddying up with mudbloods and the like.”

“I don’t care.” Regulus continued, letting out a great sigh, “that’s the funny thing, Malfoy, I don’t care - keep talking at me, all you like, about whatever you like, because it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t count for shit, because I don’t care. Not one single fucking bit.”

Malfoy scoffed, “just wait, you will.” And with that, made his way out of the common room, leaving Regulus in anything but peace, because the way he felt inside differed vastly from his appearances and the what came from his lips. He just knew, above all, that Lucius Malfoy was absolutely not the kind of person he should risk associating with, at any cost, and as to what that bode for him, he’d just have to face up as time went on.

-

"She's being off with me." James insisted: stubborn with every fibre of his being, as usual, as always, and it was coming to the point where such behaviour hardly caused Sirius to even raise his head. Of course, truth be told, Sirius Black was quite the perfect stubborn dramatic counterpart to James Potter, and their roles were easily reversed as the days changed.

There was of course no question as to who 'she' was, because in James' world there was only one girl worth speaking about, or at least, only one that he did. There was also very little surprise in the fact that Lily Evans was exactly rushing over to cuddle up to James Potter, seeing as there were days that Sirius wondered if she even liked him, not romantically, not even as a friend, but just an  _ acquaintance _ , you know, someone you didn't regularly wish death upon? But, after having thought it through, he found himself not entirely certain that she did. Of course, he wasn't going to  _ tell _ James this - that'd be all kinds of idiotic, and Sirius could do idiotic and unnecessary mess, but not right now, and not with James, because as much as James was a prat, he was his best friend, and that meant a hell of a lot.

"How so?" Sirius finally settled on a response, pushing his Potions homework further down his bed: relieved that with James' presence he now at least had a decent excuse  _ not _ to do it. Or something. He'd wanted to ask Remus to help him, but with the full moon only two days away, that really wasn't an option; he could tell that he was already tired and stressed out, and was likely struggling with his own homework, nevermind Sirius', who was perfectly capable of doing it himself, as he was actually quite naturally talented at most things, just  _ excessively _ lazy, and far too contented with his own ability to lie through his teeth to his professors regarding the status and whereabouts of his homework.

James gave a shrug and  came and sat down on his bed, which lay directly to the right of Sirius', looking at it as you walked in through the door, that is. "I don't  _ know _ ." He stressed, running a hand back through his hair, and succeeding in messing it up further, which was something that Sirius hadn't entirely thought possible until that moment. "She's  _ just _ ... being all  _ sensitive _ , and she looks upset, and it's just... I don't know what I've done? I've barely spoken to her for the past day and she's going around looking like I've spent two solid hours asking her if she thinks I'm attractive."

"And you know what  _ that _ looks like, for sure?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, not entirely  _ surprised _ , but vaguely bemused. "Actually, don't even..." He sat up properly, having previously being somewhat slumped over his homework, leaning back against the wall, and tucking his hair behind his ears. "So if you haven't pissed her off then someone else has. Simple, means you're actually not her most hated person right now."

"I guess." James gave a shrug, "it's just... I mean, who the fuck gave anyone else the right to piss her off? If you know what I mean?"

Sirius gave a snort. "Are you claiming the rights to annoying her? Oh come on, look, you either talk to her about it or you just ignore it and get on with your life, and like do my Potions homework for me or something."

James rolled his eyes and fell back onto his bed, "like that's going to happen. She'll talk to me later or whatever." The two fell into silence for a few minutes as James lay there, eyes fixated on the ceiling, and mind fixated upon Lily, and Sirius sat, knees now pulled up to his chest, and eyes glancing over his homework, just vaguely considering it.

It wasn't an awkward kind of silence, because they'd gotten far past the stage of awkward of any form now - they'd accidentally seen each other naked far too many times for this kind of thing to hold any kind of notation. It was just a  _ silence _ , a breath in it all, and a realisation that they really hadn't had much time alone together this year, as Sirius had admittedly, been practically glued to Remus, and James was continually making more and more excuses to spend time with Lily.

"James..." Sirius began: speaking with a kind of tentative nature that seemed almost foreign on his tongue. The other boy looked up immediately, and the two held one another's gaze just briefly. "I..." His voice gave way to a sigh, "I  _ just _ ..."

James nodded and pulled his gaze away, focusing instead on the open window and the late afternoon sunlight streaming in, and took a moment to wonder about the others: just where Remus and Peter where - Remus had likely dragged him along to the library or something, but usually it was Sirius that he roped into such things, because Sirius didn't need very much in the way of persuading when it came to Remus Lupin. The aforementioned was something James  _ had _ noticed, but it held such a odd nature, and was just something that didn't quite  _ fit _ or make sense - like an odd puzzle piece that wasn't properly formed, not  _ broken _ , but just not quite finished yet, but in consequence had everything slotting slightly out of place. He didn't quite know what to think of it; he wondered if Sirius had talked to Remus about what was going on at home as well.

James didn't know the whole of it, the details and what exactly had occurred in August, but he knew the gist, he knew how things  _ were _ , and he knew how that affected Sirius. He also knew that he didn't much like to talk about it, but there was a silence and a lack of response, and a natural curiosity and concern in James.

"Are you alright?" The question itself was hardly the most eloquently formed, but it served its purpose, as Sirius gave him a certain  _ look _ \- one that James failed to fully decipher, but one he got the gist of, and that was enough. "I know you don't really want to talk about it, and that's okay, I'm just saying that if you would ever  _ want _ to or whatever, then I'm... I'm your best friend, and I care about you, and that."

Sirius gave a nod, before again falling back into a sigh. "I'm..." The word 'fine' was held shakily on his tongue, and it was somewhat of a battle to push it between his lips; it didn't fit right, it was a  _ lie _ , and he knew that, and James would too. "I'm..." He tried again but nothing really came to mind. "I'm... I don't know, James, I don't know."

"That's okay, you know?" James gave him a smile, "I mean, as long as you're generally doing okay, and you're not with them now, you're here, and you're safe, you've got us, and it's all okay-"

"It's not quite like that, though." The words fell from his lips before he could really stop them, and James' eyes met him: wide and bright like headlights.

"What do you mean?" James got up suddenly: regarding Sirius with all new levels of concern, because he was hardly the mum friend, but this was all in all  _ quite _ the situation.

Sirius shook his head, biting his lip, "doesn't matter, it's just..." He let out a sigh, " _ other things _ ."

"Other things?" James raised his eyebrows and sat at the opposite end of Sirius' bed, glancing momentarily at his Potions homework, and confirming his suspicions in the fact that Sirius had written all of  _ six _ words.

Sirius gave a shrug, "nothing  _ much _ , I mean..." That was kind of a lie, but kind of not, and that Sirius could deal with. "Just worried about... like Remus and stuff, you know? He's... I'm just... I don't want to worry him, but I just, he got that scar last full moon, so I just can't imagine what's going to come of this one, and I don't want to. It just makes me sick, you know? Not that he is a werewolf, of course, you know, just the fact that this happens to him, it's not his fault, and he doesn't deserve it." James gave a nod in response. "And then there's just... I can guess why Lily's upset."

"You  _ can _ ?" James' head shot up immediately, and Sirius couldn't help but roll his eyes - a kind of natural response or whatever.

"Snape-"

"That  _ motherfucker _ , I swear to-"

" _ James _ !" Sirius shook his head, "it's a bit more complicated than that, it's just me and Marlene saw him hanging around with Malfoy, and you know that he's always been such a dick to Lily, and he just begged us not to tell her, and then Marlene didn't want to because it'd upset her, but then I... I felt like she needed to know, and that's kind of my fault, all of this, you know, but I didn't tell her  _ directly _ , I just... it's kind of complicated."

"Yeah?" James let out a sigh, a small smile gracing his lips - just for a moment. "The whole situation or you and Marlene?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius scrunched up his face in response.

"You and  _ Marlene _ ." He repeated, the corners of his lips turning up into a smile. "I didn't know you two were really  _ friends _ . I mean, you've been hanging out an awful lot lately, haven't you?" Sirius gave a nod, again not entirely sure what James was getting at here. "She's pretty, I mean, she's kind of intimidating, but I guess each to their own. Are you like officially dating or-"

" _ Dating _ ?" Sirius' eyes widened and looked at James like he'd just implied that Sirius was in love with Snape or something. "I'm not... I'm not... I... what the  _ fuck _ ? We're friends, James, I don't like her like that, I hadn't even thought of her like that, and now you're making me, and it's just  _ weird _ ." Sirius spat his words out at a speed of at least a thousand per minute.

James rolled his eyes. "I just mean that you're spending a lot of time together-"

"Yeah and you spend a lot of time with Peter, but you're not fucking him, are you?" Sirius hit him with a  _ look _ , "I hope you're not fucking Peter."

"I'm not fucking Peter!" James exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief.

"You know that sounds  _ exactly _ like what someone who was fucking Peter would say-" Sirius couldn't help but a retort: a smirk fitting smuggly over his lips, as he found himself satisfied in the fact that the conversation had taken a detour from the matter of him possibly  _ dating _ Marlene McKinnon.

It wasn't that Marlene wasn't pretty or nice or lovely, or anything like that, because she  _ was _ . The idea of  _ dating _ or even being attracted to her had simply just failed to cross Sirius' mind, and that did perhaps strike him as a little odd, but it was nothing really, maybe she just wasn't his type. Admittedly, Sirius didn't really know what his type was, as admittedly, Sirius didn't have much at all in the way of romantic experience, and the idea of dating someone was naturally intriguing, but it was just  _ Marlene _ , and she didn't like him, did she? No, of course she didn't, what did James know? He was convinced he had a chance with Lily Evans. It was just weird.  _ Weird _ .

"Don't you fucking  _ dare _ imply that I'm fucking Peter!" James got up and shook his head at Sirius: making a point out of it, "or I'll go around and tell everyone that a house elf wanked you off or something-"

" _ James _ !" Sirius' voice came like a shriek: absolutely mortified.

"Sirius!" James mimicked, tossing him a smirk, before the dormitory door clicked open and Peter made his way inside.

"Oh, James, looks like your lover has finally returned from the war!" Sirius proclaimed loudly, standing up on his bed to make a point of it.

James rushed over to Sirius and pulled him off his feet, the two falling onto the bed in a heap of angry yelling and laughter.

Peter made no absolutely haste in going back down to the common room.

-

Remus had gotten back to the common room late that night; Sirius had been worried, and he stayed up waiting for him until the point where he actually passed out from exhaustion, and still, Remus had gotten in later than him, and to top it all off, Remus wasn't there when he woke up.

Sirius sat up in bed: eyes wide and fixated upon Remus' empty bed - panicked thoughts running through his mind with no hesitation, only ceasing slightly as reality struck him in the form of the notion that Remus' bed lay unmade,  _ slept _ in, with the covers pulled away, and that stood to prove that even though he wasn't there right that second, he  _ had _ been there before, and that worked to ease the panicked ache that hit Sirius right in his chest, next to his heart.

He stumbled to his feet, now dead set on  _ finding _ Remus, because if he'd been here then chances were that he hadn't gone far. Sure, Sirius had been late in waking up, as usual, but by no later than fifteen minutes.

There was no reason he could easily pinpoint for Remus' absence, sure the moon was right around the corner, but everything had been fine yesterday - Sirius hadn't personally seen that much of him, but he knew for certain that he'd been fine, and he'd been at dinner, he just hadn't come up to their dormitory to go to bed. Even Peter had found it within him to venture back after what he'd seen of Sirius and James, and their rather 'questionable' antics, but surely, it was fifth year, he should have gotten used to it by now.

But then again, it was fifth year and James still wasn't used to the idea that Lily Evans didn't have a crush on him, and likely didn't even  _ like _ him as a friend. Sirius hoped, for Lily's sake, that he'd get there eventually.

He was pulled out of his head when the bathroom door clicked open and Peter walked out: hair slightly damp after just having a shower. Sirius pulled his eyes away from Remus' empty bed and took a moment to process the fact that people other than Remus Lupin did actually exist.

"Where's... Remus?" Sirius finally stumbled out, Peter holding his gaze with much the same look as he had originally hit him with, which succeeded in making Sirius somewhat uneasy.

"I don't know..." Peter glanced awkwardly around the room, before running a hand back through his hair, "where's James?" He pointed to the other side of the room, and as Sirius turned his head, he could indeed see that James' bed was just as empty as Remus'.

"So they've gone off somewhere together, yeah?" Sirius' tone reeked of fake confidence - a weaker variety than which he usually flaunted himself with; it was harder to pretend this time, with his heart thudding painfully in his chest. "Haven't they, I mean-"

"James was here just ten minutes ago, before I went for a shower, when you were still asleep, so I don't... maybe he's gone to find him or something?" Peter suggested, somewhat sheepishly in reaction to the darkened, vaguely threatening look cast over Sirius' features. "I'm sure they're both  _ fine _ , you know. Maybe they went down to breakfast, should we go down to breakfast... it is getting kind of late-"

"It's just that Remus wasn't here last night, and I..." Sirius let out a sigh, moving his shoulders backwards and stretching slightly as he did so. "I'm a bit... what if something's happened to him? I mean, what if he's upset? What if he's pissed off with me? Because I was pissed off with him, and that only serves me right, doesn't it, don't you think, Pete? And it's nearly the full moon, so what if he's somewhere like lost or something and then he transforms, and- what are we going to do, I, Pete, I-"

" _ Sirius _ !" Peter raised his voice for what Sirius reckoned to be the first time since about second year, and tossed Sirius a very un-Peter like expression: sincere, concerned, and understanding. "How about we go down to breakfast and if they're not there,  _ then _ we can start worrying excessively about all of it? And come on, we're going to miss it if you don't hurry up, and I would go without you, but I don't need you to go missing on me as well."

"How kind of you." Sirius rolled his eyes, practically throwing his clothes on, because in all honesty, he knew how much Peter would laugh at him if they'd simply gone down to breakfast or something, and Remus had fallen asleep in the common room studying or something  _ stupidly _ Remus Lupin like that, but there was just this unsettling kind of gut feeling within him screaming that this just  _ wasn't _ like that.

And that condescending nature of the way Peter stood tapping his fingers on the dresser as he turned around while Sirius changed just wasn't fucking  _ helping _ . For the most part, he knew full well that condescending was in no way Peter's intent, and that he just  _ didn't _ think like that, and it was simply Sirius blowing things out of control, as it became evident that when it came to Remus Lupin, rational thinking was just absolutely out of the question.

"When I find whoever kept him from-" Sirius began, making his way over to Peter once fully dressed.

" _ Sirius _ !" Peter's voice came louder and more insistent this time: accompanied by a firm hand on his shoulder, "they'll be at breakfast." And Peter himself could only hope that this was as true as he claimed it to be, because in all honestly, he had no idea as to what was going on either, and he really was not used to taking charge like this, but they'd miss breakfast if they stayed up here panicking instead, and Peter, at least, had priorities.

-

They weren't at breakfast: neither James nor Remus, that was.

Needless to say, Sirius was less than calm and content with this revelation, and Peter's ability to take on temporary leadership duties was running thin. Peter was set on the fact that there was a reasonable and easily explainable, non-worrisome kind of explanation to all of this, which would likely end up being some so ridiculously overlooked that they were laughing about it by tomorrow. Well, maybe not Sirius, maybe he'd take an extra day to come round, but the fact of the matter was Peter was succeeding only make a show out of convincing himself that everything was absolutely fine, because it  _ had _ to be.

As Peter did  _ anything _ and everything there was to get his head to focus on anything besides the real issue at hand here, Sirius finally got his head back into gear for somewhat rational thinking, and looked frantically around the Gryffindor table for someone responsible, someone who just knew  _ things _ , and was close to both James and Remus -  _ Lily Evans _ . He took a moment to thank the world that Lily did actually exist, however as he focused upon the matter of  _ finding _ her, he happened to find that she was also absent, as the spot besides Alice lay empty, and Sirius' heart full on skipped in his chest, because this was going beyond coincidental, and perhaps it made more sense if they'd all gone off somewhere together, but-

As Sirius' mind was seconds away from collapsing in upon itself, he was forced out of his own head with a grip on his shoulder. Heart now thudding with even more vigour, he turned to face a rather distraught looking James Potter, and in all honesty, Sirius was so glad to see that at least one of his friends hadn't somehow been murdered in the past forty five minutes, he could have kissed him.

"Where the bloody hell were you?" Peter practically leapt up from the table, having followed Sirius' gaze to James' sudden appearance. "You fucking  _ disappeared _ !" Not only did he leap up to meet James, but he instantaneously leapt away from the temporary leadership facade he'd been awkwardly clinging to since he'd gotten out of the shower that morning. "We've been worried, honestly, you absolute  _ dickhead- _ "

"Where's Remus?" Sirius interrupted Peter: his tone quieter, almost as if he was afraid of asking, for fear of facing the answer, yet for fear of the unknown, for fear of everything: fear held in absence and the sudden rush of realisation in regards to the emotions and connections held between the people you care about, and how such a realisation can only come in absence and heartbreak, because the world isn't fair, the world is never fair - it doesn't fucking work like that, and Sirius has this horrible, bitter, empty feeling coursing through his veins: numbing him down to the boy who can speak solely in fragmented sentences that lay barely above a whisper, because somehow, now that James was back, it was worse.

James pulled in a sigh, biting his lip slightly: glancing from Peter and then to Sirius, and pausing as if considering something, and Sirius took a moment for himself, to consider what it was that was racing through James' mind - what he knew, where he'd been, and what he stood reading off the faces of the two of them. "Come on." His tone seemed to mirror Sirius': unavoidably hesitant, but reluctant in being so.

Sirius tossed him an expression of both confusion and concern - thrown into one awkward kind of mess. "You... what's  _ happened _ ?" His eyes seemed to burn slightly despite the inherent coldness to them and their colour. "James- what the fuck's going on, because he-"

James grabbed Sirius by the arm this time: pulling him to his feet, "just  _ come on _ ," he continued to drag him out of the great hall, despite Sirius' half formed protests: head spinning somewhat as he struggled to piece together exactly what was happening. Peter hurried after them, before shoving the remainder of his breakfast into his mouth, because, as much as he was worried about Remus, he was also very concerned with getting three solid meals a day.

"What's going on, James?" Sirius persisted as the taller boy continued to lead him down a corridor. "Honestly, fucking let go of me or telling me what it is that's  _ going on _ !" Sirius pulled away from his grip and with that James let out a sigh, finally stopping and grabbing Sirius by the wrist. "Look, you weren't awake earlier that's why I went, but, Lily was looking for you, but I was the only one there so... I... it's Remus, he's  _ okay _ , but Lily found him in the corner of the library crying, and he's been like that for a few hours now, and he won't talk to anyone, and-"

Before James could even finish his sentence, Sirius was pulling away from his grip and making a beeline towards the library, this time leaving James to run after him besides Peter.

" _ Sirius _ !" James called out, managing to catch up to him after a minute or so; Peter wasn't quite so lucky, or, athletically talented really. "Sirius, mate, just slow down one fucking minute, it isn't going to help if you go running in there-"

" _ What _ ?" Sirius finally turned around: the two practically yelling at each other. He let out a sigh, and pulled his hair back and out of his face. "You should have fucking  _ woke _ me up, you know, I- fucking-  _ James _ , I- I swear I'll fucking kill whoever upset him, you know, I fucking, didn't I say that, Pete, I  _ did _ , didn't I?"

"Uhh... yeah, you did." Peter gave him an awkward nod as he struggled to catch up to the two of them as they rushed up a staircase towards the library: Sirius leading the way, followed closely by James, and then by Peter, who was lagging a good metre behind.

"Sirius, don't be, just... be quiet, don't come and yell at him, he's in a bad state-"

"Yes, I  _ know _ he's in a bad state, he's a  _ fucking w-.... _ " Sirius stopped himself: swallowing hard and shaking his head, now pacing back and forth just a few metres away from the library entrance, " _ oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck- _ "

" _ Sirius _ ." James grabbed him by the shoulder once more, "look it's just-... just calm down, just go in there and sit with him and just be comforting, just... please try not to freak him out anymore, okay-"

"It's about the moon, isn't it? Oh fuck, it's- he's worried, fuck if I'm so fucking worried, how fucking worried can he be, I-" Sirius found himself moments away from tears, and honestly that really wasn't the best state to try and comfort someone in, and Sirius couldn't help but be hyper aware of that.

"We don't know." James' tone grew slower and calmer. "He hasn't said anything, but it's likely that has something to do with it, but, look, he's going to be okay, whatever happens to him, he can get fixed up, can't he? I mean, magic and all that? It's going to be fine-"

"But it's not just about  _ scars _ , though, is it, James,  _ come on _ ." Sirius shook his head, as he forced himself to pull away from James. "It's about how it feels on the inside, it's about how it's messing with him, how he thinks he's this  _ monster _ , and fuck, he's just... he's  _ Remus. _ He's not... he's... he's just  _ Remus _ , and I..." Sirius took a step back away from James and bit his lip like he was about to cry.

James turned to Peter, scanning his face, and finding that Peter knew nothing more than he did, or at least appeared as such, but yet, he found himself asking regardless. "Is he... has something happened?" He did all he could to keep his voice low, but he was certain in the likelihood that Sirius could hear him.

Peter gave a shrug, "I don't know, he's just... he's... he's worried about him in general, isn't he? And then this is more worry, and..." Peter trailed off, "just adds up, doesn't it?"

"I'm  _ fine _ ." Sirius insisted, making his way back over to the two of them, and running one hand back through his hair, "I'm fine, I mean, what should I be upset over, it's-... he's safe, it's... I'm being a piece of shit." He shook his head, and took a deep breath before pushing the library door open, and making his way towards the back of the surprisingly large room, looking desperately for Remus and Lily.

Outside, James considered going in after him, but wondered if it was perhaps for the better if there were less people around Remus. He turned to Peter, who still looked rather confused in the face of the situation, and let out a sigh. "Let's go back down to breakfast, yeah? I mean, Lily will sort this out, she's cleverer than me."

Peter let out a snort. "Of course she is. We all know that-"

" _ Hey _ ." James gave him a slight shove: desperate to deny what he already knew to be true.

-

Lily had simply woken up early and found herself unable to get back to sleep, and with the fact that Mary snored like a pig, as much as Lily loved her, it was the truth, Lily had finally come to accept that she might as well just get up and get in some studying for the arithmancy test she had later that day.

However, once she made it into the library, ready to sit down in her favourite, secluded corner of it, she found that Remus Lupin was curled up, crying to himself, which was hardly the best start to her morning. Hours later, he was still yet to say one word to her.

She looked up as the sound of footsteps grew louder and a rather distressed looking Sirius Black strode over to the two of them; he gave Lily an awkward, faked smile, that really served no purpose for either of the two. He then turned to Remus and failed in disguising his sharp intake of breath.

Lily gave him a look, taking a moment as she transferred her gaze between Remus and Sirius and then back again. "Sirius..." she let out a sigh and addressed the dark haired boy, "he won't talk to me. Won't talk to anyone."

Sirius gave a nod, feeling somewhat uncomfortable discussing Remus with him right beside the two of them. "Yeah... I.. James kind of told me, and I... I..." He pushed his hair back away from his face, "he didn't... Remus, he didn't come back to the dormitory last night. I waited up for him but he never came back, and I..." He turned to Remus, who remained, slouched over, with his head pressed into his knees. "I... Remus..." He began, talking to him directly, "are you.. I... mean, you're not alright, I... just... you know, it's okay, whatever it is." He glanced apprehensively at Lily, who gave him a nod, before sitting down besides Remus.

"It is okay, and... I'm here for you, Lily's here for, James is here for you, Peter's here for you- it's... I promise we'll go our best to help you, whatever it is, if you just  _ talk _ , just say something, I-" Sirius found himself stumbling for something to say.

Suddenly, Remus pulled his head up and let out a sigh: his face red and puffy from crying and  a lack of sleep, however, instead of meeting Sirius' gaze, as both Lily and Sirius had expected, he turned to Lily and met her with a  _ look _ .

"Remus...?" She began, looking to Sirius for help, but he was just as lost as her in this situation, likely even more so; Lily was the well put together and organised one, the one with the ideas, the one with the plan, but in that moment she had nothing, as Remus let out a sigh and uttered one word.

"Zach."

-

He had been somewhat cocooned up in his own world: eyes upon a textbook, but mind elsewhere entirely, and indeed vacant from the room: lost off in another world, a world that would come tomorrow, as he found himself often stricken with worry of matters relating to the past or future, and as a result, often detached from the present.

It didn't help that he was alone. It never helped that he was alone. He didn't look it, didn't radiate such vibes, but Remus Lupin was the kind of person who  _ needed _ people - people to ground him, people to reassure him, people to phrase things rationality. He was too self critical, too easy to come to judgement, cynical, perhaps, but more so of himself, and fuelled by a large vat of overwhelming anxiety he kept locked away inside himself at all times.

It was the fact that he was overly aware of all of this, his co-dependency, especially, yet despite it, found himself jumping to lock himself away and crave isolation at the most inconvenient of times, because he needed people, he just, perhaps didn't want to be around them at times.

He needed the safety and the structure of the inside of his own  _ head _ , because there was respite in the fact that at least no one could get at him there, and it was perhaps better to lock yourself away with your most fearsome demons, than to run out and face them where everyone can see. Remus was certain that he was one hell of a pathetic, kind of cowardly, Gryffindor, but that didn't seem to matter all so much - his house was out of his control - it had been the hat's decision, and not his, and perhaps, at age eleven, maybe Remus Lupin was this brave boy, with courage and promise, and the desire to stand up for his friends, but, perhaps at age fifteen, Remus Lupin wasn't that same boy anymore.

It wasn't his fault, and yet at the same time, solely his own doing, because the wolf was a core part of him, and the wolf had caused this. As it caused scars across his face, it caused scars inside him - the kind of scars that had him hiding himself away in the library on the pretense of revision, of homework, of peace and quiet, of peace of mind, on the pretense of nothing really because he'd told no one where he'd gone, and there was little point in lying to himself alone.

It grew to the point, where Remus was perhaps nearing content in the state of overwhelming worry and dissociation, that he became so unaware of himself and the present that he became unaware of the change in atmosphere, of the door opening and slamming shut, of footsteps - quiet at first, but quickly growing louder: fast paced, light footed, careful, but not cautious, never tentative, never regretful, but with precision, with care and meaning, with a sense of profound urgency to them.

The footsteps became the figure of a boy, stood just a few metres away from where Remus had been sat. The two held a gaze: vacant on Remus' part, as he struggled to quite process what it was that was happening in his current state, with the full moon hanging like a death sentence over him, because as over-dramatised as that came across, as Remus knew how it sounded all too well, having run it through his mind millions of times by now, but there was an overwhelming truth to it.

"Remus." His tone was quiet at first, sitting down beside him that evening, eyeing him with concern, eyeing him with compassion, and a sense of innate understanding that felt almost  _ foreign _ in the air. As Remus was yet to process exactly what was happening around him, he tried once more. " _ Remus _ ." With this attempt, his voice rose slightly, and his fingers curled tightly around Remus' wrist, before after a moment, falling slowly into his hand.

It was with this that Remus tore himself away from his own head and back down into reality, his head snapping in the other boy's direction, his face baring a look of confusion. "Zach... I... what's... I-"

" _ Remus. _ " Zachary repeated, leaning back in the chair and pausing for a moment. "You're... clearly  _ not okay _ right now, and-"

"I'm-" Remus turned away from him, "I'm fucking  _ fine _ . Why are you even talking to me anymore? We're not, we're not a  _ thing _ \- you fucking made that quite clear, it's... just leave me alone, okay? I want to be alone. I  _ need _ to be alone. You just don't  _ get _ that, no maybe you get that too much- I don't know, I don't know, I just..." Remus threw his head down into his hands, and pushed the textbook away to the other side of the table.

"Arithmancy?" Zachary glanced in the direction of the textbook. "Didn't know you took that."

"Well I do. I have a fucking test tomorrow, along with all kinds of shit, and you're really  _ not _ helping, and-" Remus cut himself off, shaking his head, "Zach, just go, okay. We're not friends, it's not... it's just not. Okay, I get it, you're trying to be nice, or whatever, I don't know, but I just need to be alone, I need to sort this shit out."

Zachary paused for a moment before shaking his head, "no, Remus, the last thing you need right now is to be alone, and anyone can see that, come on, just try and calm down a bit, talk to me, you can trust me, okay? I'm sorry, I want to make things up with you, I want to be friends, okay? I could help you revise, if you want. I mean I don't take arithmancy, but how hard could it be?"

Remus scoffed, shaking his head, "any way to be more of a stuck up Ravenclaw?" He wasn't quite sure if he was joking or not as he threw the retort in Zach's direction. The older boy, however, only shrugged, face caving into a smile - the kind that seemed very much at home with pleasantries and the like.

"So, you're worried about this test." Zach began, opening the book and skim reading the contents page. "What's it about? Look, come on, you're clever, I know you are, this isn't that much-"

"I  _ know _ ." Remus' chest fell forward with the weight of a sigh. "I know, I know, it's just, this, and then,  _ other things _ , and then you, because you're a thing to worry about, and it's probably easier for me if you're not in my life anymore, but you're right, and maybe I hate that, maybe I don't. You just...  _ know _ me, and I don't like that because I feel like I don't know you, at least not anymore. But I need your help, I want your help, maybe just for now, just with studying, I don't know about anything else... is that okay?"

Zachary offered him a smile, "of course it is, come on, I'm not an asshole."

Remus shrugged, leaning back in his chair, "that's questionable, you know? Ignoring me all summer because I hugged one of my best friends is an asshole kind of thing to do." Remus knew there would be an end to Zach's patience, and that testing it was a stupid thing to do, but there was something about stupid ideas in the face of imminent danger that was ever so enchanting.

"I thought there was something else going on, I mean, come on, Sirius is a good looking guy, I mean, it's not something  _ absurd _ to think that you might be interested in him." And Remus just had to admit that Zach had a point with this all, considering the fact that Remus was kind of  _ interested in Sirius _ . A lot. Kind of. Sort of. Maybe. Something like that. 

"Straight guy." Remus assured him, biting his lip slightly. "He's straight. We're not... nothing like that is happening. Has happened. Will happen."

Zachary gave a nod, raising an eyebrow. "He's hot, though." His face fell into a smile, "Come on," he gave a laugh at Remus' expression, "I'm sure even straight guys could figure out that Sirius Black is... _just_ _is_ a generally attractive guy, _come on_."

"Yeah, alright, whatever." Remus gave out a sigh, and made a grab for the arithmancy textbook.

"Just one of those things." Zach continued, watching Remus with concern, "you know you can trust me, right?"

Remus raised an eyebrow in response to that. "Can I?"

"Yes." Zachary made a point in assuring him, his gaze fell past Remus' and over the scar that fell over his face - it had been the subject of his attention for a while now. "I know what else it is that's bothering you."

Remus only shook his head at that: regarding it with humour, brushing it off as he continued to flick through the textbook - not really taking the information  _ in _ , but still trying, and surely that had to count for something. Sort of. Maybe. "What is it that you think is bothering me, then?" In the silence that followed, Remus finally decided to humour him, because there was indeed a part of him that was curios as to what Zach had pinned this down upon.

"I..." He trailed off for a moment, before inhaling deeply, pulling his gaze away and finding his mind fixated upon a different textbook - the one that he'd read last week. "That scar across your face. You got that because you did it to yourself-"

"Zach, I..." Remus hit him with a breathy, kind of  _ forced _ laughter. "What are you getting at here?"

"You're feeling sick, and you're worried, and you're going to get ill again. You know, like you do, every month." Zachary sneaked a glance in Remus' direction; it was at this moment that his face went pale. "Full moon in two days."

"Zach, I-"

"I know you're not harming anyone, because you have to be tied up somewhere, don't you, so you're taking this out on yourself and that's how you have so many scars. That's where you got them from. And this is why you're worried, why you're stressed out, and I want you to know that it's okay, and that you can talk to me about this-"

"Talk to you about what?" Remus snapped, his whole body shaking slightly. "I don't get your fucking  _ point _ ."

Zach let out a sigh. "About the fact that you're a werewolf, Remus."

Remus felt as if someone had ripped his lungs from his chest; he struggled to breathe, struggled to think, he just- "Zach, just fucking  _ go _ -"

"Remus, I-"

"Just fucking  _ go _ !" Remus had yelled at him, and Zachary couldn't deny that the look in his eyes scared him a little, and that it all scared him just ever so slightly, and that perhaps maybe he'd misjudged the situation - fucked up again. "Just go." Remus choked out this time: close to sobbing. And that time, Zach did.

-


	9. It's Remus' Time Of The Month

It didn't just brush upon his skin but seeped right through into his veins. It's desire beyond measure and understanding - unnatural, inhuman, and fiendishly so: taking pleasure in the fact and going as far as to flaunt it.

It was all of course beyond him, beyond the boy curled up on the floor, chained to the wall, with cuts on his arms; he was far beyond himself at this point, after all. As much as we all were one with ourselves, there was always a separation, and a cut off point between instinct and opinion, between who we were deep down, and who society had modelled us to be - nature and nurture, and a hidden duality within us all.

Such a duality was stronger in Remus Lupin, hidden away inside him, yet then to come out at full force when it could. He hated this part of him, he hated it with everything he knew, because he had been taught as such, and he had been taught just like that, that this part of him was ever consuming, and that he wasn't so much a teenage boy anymore, just the wolf caged up inside of him.

However, as the night grew darker and the moon rose through the sky, there was no hate within him. Just the pounding of his heart: thumping tremendously in his chest and echoing up his spine to sound out through his head, turning his brain to mush and cutting off every thought that dare to step foot within it, because this was not a time for rational and humanity, this was a time for instinct and havoc, this was the moonlight flowing through his veins like blood, this was him out of his own head, head thrown back, eyes blown wide, and soul floating away from his body as everything inside him began to throb and  _ ache _ with the release of it all.

His body relaxed into it, like an addict starved and decaying without opium flowing their veins. His mind sought to despise and fight it all up until to very last second, but his body lay out gracefully, and welcomed the moon upon him. His mind was what set him apart, and his body anchored him down, for his body yearned to be free, and knew only to seek freedom in the darkest parts of his mind, for it had grown accustomed to such a bitter taste, of inky blackness consuming the soul, the metallic tang of blood on your tongue, and the question as to whether or not it is your own, the heavy feeling on your eyelids as you let them droop, even with the knowledge that you will be a different man, or perhaps not even a man at all, when you come to open them once more.

He was more than what people thought of him, with intentions both good and bad. He was more than unjust stereotypes, he was more than assumptions and confinement, but yet he was so much more than sympathy, so much more than the boy they'd made him out to be, so much more than books, sweaters, and smiles, but the pair of yellow eyes that have you running from the treeline.

He faded out completely as his body began to properly change, as he truly grew into the monster within. For Remus Lupin did quite literally encompass the notion of hidden demons, whether he liked it or not, because you could hate who you were with every fibre of your being, but you could never ever run from it, well you could  _ try _ , but there was never any getting away, and you could think of that what you wish, because the fact of the matter was that it wasn't going to change.

As the night grew darker, the wolf grew stronger and pulled at the restraints that kept it tied down to the wall of the Shrieking Shack, locked away in the corner of a nearby village, hidden in plain sight, the howling masked as the tormented wails of spirits rumoured to have live longed ago in the building, when it had been more than a shack, in times where Remus wouldn't have lived long enough to be tied up in within it.

It was superstition and fear, the natural fear of the unknown that kept him alive, that kept him as he was, and stopped him from being taken away at the first notion of there ever being anything wrong, it was the innate belief that everything horrific and tormented had to be long dead and simply trapped here, holding on desperately to something for reasons unexplainable, but of course, the reality was quite different - people were more than the ails that plagued them, people were more than the way they looked in the moonlight, more than the creatures that crawled out of them at night.

Remus was long lost inside himself, lost behind glowing eyes and the body of a creature to be feared, of a monster, of the monster that world would define him as. The wolf and Remus were one but indeed quite separate: torn apart and never to share the same headspace, pulled away from one another and appearing only in the others absence, like day and night, like the sun and the moon.

The thing that connected them beyond all else was pain, was the tug and the ache through the veins they shared, their blood stained bodies, and the scars that they shared, as when the wolf tugged and began to break free, began to hurt himself, Remus began to awake inside his mind and pull himself back, but of course, he only remembered when it hurt, and when it got bad: a snapshot of torture and torment as the moon pulled its way through the skies, and the sun lay elsewhere pleading for resurrection amongst shades of pink and gold, praying for sun rise, for warm glow upon pale skin, for the opening of eyes once more, for the low thudding in the chest of a boy who woke up in a body that didn't feel so much like his own.

A heart exhausted, and a body torn to shreds in shades of ghastly white and crimson red, he lay, eyes upon, wide and taking in the sunlight, taking in the world and holding on tight for fear that the full moon would jump back in the skies and take it from him again, and of course it would, but not for another month, for that time, he was safe, but for that time only.

He hurt all over. It had been worse than last time, as he had suspected, and in worrying constantly about it for the past four weeks, he would have thought that it would have moderately prepared him for the reality of it, but in truth, it was quite different. Because the thing was, that despite it all, he did always seem to forget. Just a little bit, never within its entirety, that would be impossible, after all, but just what it  _ really _ felt like, just how bad it was, and just how consuming the first touch of moonlight upon his skin was. How it felt to have the darkness reach inside of you, curl one cold, skeletal hand around your soul and humanity and yank it right out of you, to hold it captive and out of reach until the sun reached the skies once more, and its grip weakened and fell as it began to burn away in the sunlight.

Remus just didn't want people to worry about him; he didn't want attention and he didn't want sympathy, and he especially didn't want people that he cared about worrying about him, because it would just upset them, for the truth was that there was absolutely no rectifying the situation: nothing to do to change the way things were and would continue to be for as long as Remus lived. And it was perhaps the act of insisting that everything was fine to everyone around him so much that had left him eventually to believe it.

He wondered if that was even such a bad thing, he wondered what could be solved with worry and overthinking, what could be solved with a desperation to avoid the inevitable. He'd gotten long past being shocked, long past being really  _ frightened _ by it, but just by himself and how the darkness curled back inside of him, and lay as a beast that simply could never be vanquished, not if he himself wanted to survive too, and Remus was certain that he was more than the wolf inside him, and shouldn't be condemned to death for something he couldn't help, as after all, he never did hurt anyone.

It was when the restraints broke and he couldn't keep hurting himself like this that he'd have to reconsider. He didn't want to resort to such measures, but he'd be lying if he said that he'd never thought about how bad he'd let things get before he had to put a physical stop to them, and indeed himself, because he was indeed so very responsible for this, and for himself, even as he lay there, unable to even get up for every muscle in his body ached and cried in the aftermath of a night out of his control.

It was getting worse. Every month, deeper cuts, more bruises, and the scars racked up before they could heal, and as things kept going, people would notice, there would be a point, there would  _ always _ be a point when his condition broke the barrier of too much, and was no longer something that people could just pass off. And Remus just didn't know what he was going to do then, well he  _ did _ , he just wasn't ready to accept it yet.

He wasn't sure how he'd ever thought he would have been able to hide it from his friends, from the three boys that he would be sharing a dormitory with for seven years. He'd been young, of course, young and naive- not naive, but hopeful, really. Optimistic, something like that. It wasn't that he hadn't accounted for the possibility of things turning out like this, he had just hoped otherwise.

Or perhaps eleven year old Remus Lupin simply hadn't ever considered that anyone would ever want to get to know him well enough that they'd come to take note of his monthly disappearances and just how they always collided with the full moon. And eleven year old Remus Lupin had indeed been wrong, on so many levels.

And really, in a certain way, Remus was glad, Remus was glad that things had turned out as they did, that Sirius had first figured it out, and then told James and Peter, that they'd come to understand and accept him, that the four of them had come to have this strong bond of friendship, and that they had found out, and that they had supported him as things grew worse, and James especially, continued to use 'they were looking at you funny' as an excuse to hex Slytherins, and Remus pretended to mind much more than he really did.

Because in this, he was always so thankful for his friends, for the the ones that would stay with him through it all, and Remus wasn't sure if it was just his head or if it really  _ did _ seem to hurt less as he remembered that they'd be here with him in all of this. Even if they did skip class to come and visit him in the hospital wing, even as Madame Pomfrey proceeded to threaten breaking every single one of their bones if they didn't leave and give him some time to recover.

He just had to be careful not to die of something like blood loss before Madame Pomfrey made her way into the shack to collect him and take him back to the castle. He really was thankful for her, and Professor McGonagall, who had been very stern in her demands that Madame Pomfrey took proper care of him. Even though McGonagall was a bit of a headcase, and didn't give him nearly enough slack when it came to his Transfiguration homework, which was a case that Sirius was absolutely more than ready to fight her on; he was so enthusiastic about it that he might have even considered doing Remus' work for him if he just didn't have to struggle to finish his own at around midnight the night before.

Remus couldn't help but smile at the thought of Sirius, who was so stupidly beautiful, and so stupidly lovely, and always made a particular effort to be nice to him after full moons and make sure that he was feeling okay. 

That smile, however, did falter slightly as he came to recall just what exactly had happened previously, just how he'd hidden himself away in the library, and how he refused to face up to anything, and how Zach  _ knew _ , and how Sirius had been so persistent in inquiring just as to who the fuck Zach was until Lily had threatened to jinx him. Remus knew it wasn't a question that he could avoid forever, and really, Sirius did deserve to know, so did James and Peter, they all did. 

It was stupid really, he could put up with turning into a werewolf every month for his entire life, but he just didn't have the guts to tell his best friends that he was bisexual.

-

Sirius couldn't concentrate. In truth, Sirius could hardly ever concentrate, but today it was more than usual, as he found that he did actually have something worth worrying about on his mind as opposed to just whatever was going on outside of the classroom window.

There was a part of him that reckoned that by now he would have perhaps gotten used to Remus turning into a werewolf each month, but he had never quite reached that point. It wasn't that the idea of it really  _ scared _ him or anything - it was just Remus, as stupid as that sounded, he wasn't at all scared of a great, ferocious fucking werewolf, because, he knew that deep down, it was just Remus.

What he was scared for was Remus himself, and how this all affected him, and how his best friend always came back each month, looking even more run down, and how despite the fact that they'd known for years, he always tried too hard to hide the worst of it from them, and how by doing that, it was always worse when Sirius got a glimpse when Remus hadn't been expecting it. It wasn't like Sirius had been a making point of accidentally walking in on Remus getting changed, but it had happened a lot, and really, that was just that - they'd been friends for years. 

Except it kind of wasn't, because it left Sirius with this awkward kind of knot in his stomach that he'd never really experienced before, and subsequently, couldn't possibly attempt to explain. He put it down to worry, to the whole situation, to the image at the back of his mind of Remus lying there covered in cuts and bruises on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, to Remus lying in a bed in the hospital wing, crying out in pain, and all alone.

Sirius had tried very hard to ditch class to go and see Sirius, but the thing was that by now McGonagall had gotten wind of it, and had come to the Gryffindor common room to personally escort the three of them to class, and well it had been lovely of her, to take the time out of her day to put them first like that, as James had said, in a slightly sarcastic tone, which hadn't been the best idea he'd ever had at all.

It didn't make sense, though, at least not for Sirius, because McGonagall knew exactly what was going on with Remus and therefore exactly why they needed to go and check that he was okay, needed to go and be there for him, because Sirius couldn't imagine what lying alone and in pain in the hospital wing felt like, and he didn't want to know at all. He just knew beyond anything else that Remus absolutely did not deserve this.

"Sirius?" He looked up at the mention of his name to find Lily Evans looking across the table at him: copper red hair tied back away from her face, and a stony look in her bright green eyes.

"I... uhh..." He ran a hand back through his hair, glancing around awkwardly as he attempted to re-establish the fact that he was indeed in a Charms classroom, having been told to practice enchanting teacups to sing. He then came to recall the fact that he had been doing nothing besides staring furiously into the distance as he leaned over his table for the past ten minutes.

"Are you alright?" Lily made her way over to him, sitting down in the chair beside him, where Remus usually sat. "You've been out of it for a while."

At first Sirius only gave a nod in response, trailing his gaze across the classroom: first to the table where she'd come from, where Marlene was now stood, shooting him a look that Sirius didn't dare attempt to decipher for the sake of his own mental stability, and then second to where James and Peter were 'working', seemingly much less affected by the whole Remus situation than Sirius was.

They were evidently a little out of sorts, made obvious by the way James was yet to charm his teacup to shout insults across the room, and seemed to be actually making progress on the task at hand. Peter also seemed to be getting along pretty well, and in all honesty, it wouldn't be surprising if it was his friends constantly messing around that caused his grades to slip like they did.

"Thinking about Remus." Sirius eventually came to reply: dragging his gaze back to the table and to his own teacup, which lay untouched before him on the table. He gave it a tap and watched as it wobbled slightly.

" _ Oh _ ." There was a certain indecipherable quality to Lily's voice that had Sirius' attention on her within seconds; it was a quality that just screamed that there was so much more to it than ' _ oh _ '.

"What do you mean?" His tone came across slightly demanding, and harsher than he had intended it to be, but thankfully, Lily didn't seem to do much more than raise an eyebrow in response to it.

"You do tend to do that a lot." She offered him a smile, and really Sirius didn't know quite how to react, because  _ of course _ he thought about Remus, he was  _ Remus _ , that was just a thing he did. It was normal, and really he didn't have the slightest clue as to why Lily seemed to find the need to make a point out of it.

"And?" Sirius looked at her: all wide eyes and naivety.

She shook her and smiled. "Doesn't matter." Lily then turned to his teacup and picked it up, "have you even tried the spell?"

"No." Sirius pulled a face, brushing it off like the notion of him actually partaking in the work set in class was nothing more than absolutely preposterous. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

Lily gave a sigh, and put the teacup back down in front of him, "because how else are you going to get anywhere? If you don't learn it now you're going to have to revise it, and we all know you won't do that."

Sirius shook his head, "it's fine. I'll just get Remus to teach me it."

Lily's face gave way to a smile, "I think you've noticed that Remus isn't here either."

"Yeah, but..." Sirius trailed off, that fact not seeming to phase him in the slightest. "He knows everything, and he actually knows how to teach things unlike most of the teachers here, like honestly, I can't concentrate for two seconds in class, but then when he explains it, I pretty much get it immediately."

Lily raised her eyebrows, "I wonder why that is." She was wondering whether to actually approach the subject of Remus and Sirius and the possible less than platonic feelings between the two of them, but she doubted that Sirius was really in the state for it at the moment. She did however know that he was yet to get any answers in regards to what had led Remus to hide himself away in the corner of the library, and as to just who Zach was.

"He's nice." Sirius eventually opted for. "Not going to give me a detention for messing about."

"He's a  _ prefect _ though. Could take house points." Lily made a very valid point, and Sirius couldn't only grimace at the notion.

"He's not going to though." Sirius rolled his eyes at her, "he likes me too much." And really, Lily couldn't argue with that at all. 

Lily paused for a moment, leaning closer to Sirius as she glanced around to ensure that no one else was listening in. "Has he really never mentioned Zach to you?"

Sirius groaned at the mention of his name, putting his head into his hands. "No, fucking never. Honestly who is this guy? I mean, I assume you know."

Lily bit her lip, knowing full well that Remus himself who had to tell Sirius, but just how much easier she could make it for the both of them by just  _ accidentally _ happening to let something slip. "That's something Remus has to tell you. I mean, who Zach is to  _ him _ . He's this Ravenclaw guy, sixth year."

"How much of a dick is he on a scale of one to ten?" Sirius cut straight to the real questions. "And just how much do I need to kill him on a scale of one to ten?"

"About a six." Lily gave a sigh, as she leaned back in her chair, "from my understanding of the situation, he hasn't done anything  _ directly _ , he's just ignored Remus for a bit, and then he... I don't know, there was a situation that they both handled badly I think."

"But he's upset Remus so I hate him." Sirius deadpanned, beginning to bite at his fingernails.

"You are  _ very _ Remus orientated you know?" Lily gave a casual observation, or at least what she hoped came across as such, although she gathered that Sirius was so oblivious to the whole situation with him and Remus that a casual comment was hardly likely to make any difference at all.

Sirius gave a shrug, "it's called being his friend, really, isn't it?" He gave his teacup another tap before simply pushing it away to the other side of the table. "I don't get why McGongall won't let us go and see him, she fucking knows what's going on, I mean, what am I going to need charming fucking teacups for?"

"He's  _ fine _ ." Lily assured him with a hand on his shoulder.

Sirius shook his head, pulling away from her, "and how the fuck would you know? It's not like McGonagall would say anything, at least not until  _ after _ our classes, you know to ensure that our learning experience wasn't 'interrupted' or whatever bullshit like that."

Lily smiled, but shook her head, "she's  _ not _ so bad. She'd let you know. I mean, she likes you lot really, despite the trouble you cause."

"Giving us detentions seems like a funny way of showing that she likes us. You should suggest buying flowers to her? How about that?-"

Lily rolled her eyes, "she's only  _ giving _ you detentions because you do the kind of things that cause her to need to give you them. Stop being such a prick and you'd get on alright."

Sirius frowned, looking down at his teacup as he did so, "I'm not a prick. I do try hard, and I'm lovely. Ask Remus, well we  _ could _ , you know if-"

"He's  _ fine _ ." She repeated for the second time, "he's  _ absolutely _ fine. Promise you."

-

Sirius wasn't at all sure as to what the fuck had happened to Lily Evans for her to consider 'fine', as Remus stretched out in a hospital bed in mass amounts of pain and covered in more bandages than Sirius could count. It was likely also the reason that left her considering Severus Snape as a decent candidate to be one of her best friends. Seriously, Lily was wonderful, but she did make a lot of questionable decisions.

Sirius had spent the day in much the same manner as he had spent his Charms lesson: unfocused, and entirely fixated upon Remus' condition and the state he could be in, because as Sirius had discovered, his mind did really like to delve down all kinds of overexaggerated nonsensical routes, because as unlikely as some things were, it still didn't rule them out as  _ impossible _ .

He came to conclude that perhaps, all in all, he was just very fixated upon Remus Lupin and his health, because after all, what  _ could _ he do if something happened to him? Fuck, what  _ would _ he do? In truth, he had no idea, no idea at all. He didn't exactly know how or why, or especially how to pinpoint the exact reasoning behind it, but he found that he just naturally regarded Remus differently to the rest of his friends.

It wasn't that he cared about him more. It was just  _ different _ . And that was a whole situation that Sirius couldn't even begin to decipher. Thankfully, he found himself far too preoccupied with Remus' physical state to consider going off down that route of asking questions that felt so set in stone that there was no point in receiving answers for them. It was something like, 'why are we alive?', 'why do we have thoughts?','why is James Potter in love with Lily Evans?' - we just are, we just do, he just  _ is _ .

Sirius felt that way about Remus, about how he felt like he held a different position in his affections, and that he just  _ did _ , because he was just Remus Lupin, and Sirius was clueless when it came to explaining it beyond that.

He was lovely, and they were close, and he sometimes did his homework for him, and totally didn't hate him even when he was being the world's biggest prat, which was certainly a common occurrence.

Madam Pomfrey eyed Sirius suspiciously. He'd skipped lunch and gone straight to the hospital wing instead, which was maybe not the best idea he'd had, and something James had told him wasn't worth doing, and when James Potter actually told you  _ not _ to do something that did mean something, but the thing was that Sirius just didn't  _ care _ what anyone else thought. He just needed to see Remus, regardless of James, regardless of Madame Pomfrey's stare.

He was tucked away in the far corner of the wing, the window open next to him, looking over the grounds, and Sirius spotted Malfoy out there with a group Slytherins and immediately felt rather sick to his stomach. 

It seemed that such disgust fell rather visibly upon his face as he was hit with a comment from the boy in the bed beside him. "You alright there?" 

Sirius jumped back to reality and looked down to see Remus sitting up in bed, arms practically bandaged entirely, and generally making Sirius wince all over, but in all honesty he found himself just rather relieved that he was for the most part  _ alright _ . Whatever alright really meant. Sirius wasn't at all sure.

" _ Alright _ ?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, as he grabbed a chair and sat down beside his bed. In all honesty, he just wanted to get in with him, but as normal as that was for them, he doubted Madame Pomfrey would see it as he did. "You're asking  _ me _ if I'm alright?"

Remus gave a giggle in response, "yeah, I guess... I mean... I'm fine, by the way, I mean, I don't really look like the perfect picture of health, admittedly, yeah,  _ but _ , I don't think it was as bad as last time. I don't really know, I mean... this sounds stupid but you kind of forget how it is.  _ Properly _ , I mean. Like you know that it's bad, but you forget the specifics, because those are just things you naturally don't want to remember. Doesn't make much difference though, because it comes around again every month."

"You and your time of the month." Sirius cracked a smile, pulling one knee up to his chest as he leaned back in the chair. "Everyone's told me I've been over worrying- fuck, you fucking guess what happened this morning?" Sirius' eyes grew wide as he came to recall the events of that morning that suddenly seemed just so very far away.

"What happened this morning?" Remus couldn't help but naturally mimic the smile upon Sirius' face. "Don't make me guess, I'm sick, you have to be nice to me." 

Sirius pulled a face in response but gave in regardless. "McGonagall came and  _ escorted _ us to Charms so we didn't all run off and go and see you. Which is a bunch of bullshit, really- I mean, you could be  _ dead _ , and I'm-"

"I'm not dead, though." Remus made what was a very good, and very true point, but not one that Sirius particularly cared for, well at least not in the context at hand. "What? Don't look at me like that - I'm not! I  _ promise _ ."

Sirius shook his head, looking down. "That's not the point, though. The point is that you could have been, you could have been fucking dying, and I would have been in fucking  _ Charms _ . You know what we were doing? Getting teacups to sing-"

"If I  _ died _ , I'm pretty confident that you would have been taken out of class. I'm pretty sure you'd actually get a day or so off school to grieve and mourn my loss-" Sirius ended up cutting Remus off, regarding the situation with much more sincerity than Remus was.

"I don't fucking  _ care _ !" Sirius exclaimed, shaking his head. "I don't want days off school, that doesn't fucking matter if you're  _ dead _ -"

"Sirius, look..." Remus paused, sitting up further and meeting Sirius' gaze: wincing a little at the genuine pain in his eyes, because in all honestly, he'd never thought Sirius got so worked up around the moon. "I'm not going to die."

" _ Probably _ ." Sirius muttered, pulling his gaze away from Remus and back out the window, relieved to find that Malfoy had now moved out of his line of sight.

"I'm not going to die." Remus repeated, not entirely confident in the truth behind his words but everyone had to die some day. "Not  _ yet _ . Not for a while, promise. I'm going to try the best I can, you know, put  _ all _ my effort into  _ not _ dying. Just for you."

Sirius felt a smile creeping over his lips at that. "Quite sweet of you, that." He couldn't help but comment, before looking back to Remus, "but seriously, don't die, and if you  _ are _ dying, you make sure someone comes and gets me. Don't die without me."

"You're getting a bit Romeo and Juliet there." Remus had to comment: much less affected by the subject at hand than Sirius was, and it was likely down to the fact that it was pretty much every thought that had been through his head as he really had begun to understand what being a werewolf  _ meant _ .

"Shut up." Sirius shook his head, tucking his hair away from his face. "Honestly, are you alright?"

" _ Yes _ ." Remus stressed, shaking his head in disbelief, "Sirius, I'm  _ fine _ . And how about you? How was not paying attention in class all day, because I'm just so  _ distracting _ ." There was something about the way he found himself emphasising the word 'distracting' that brought an odd kind of atmosphere over the two of them, only lasting for a few minutes, but ever so  _ present _ .

"Alright." Sirius gave a shrug, "you can teach me shit, it's fine, you're clever. See this is why you can't  _ die _ !" His tone began to pick up, his face lighting up with a smile, the subject growing lighter. 

" _ Oh _ ?" Remus raised his eyebrows, "is that what this is about?  _ Typical _ . You're just a lazy fuck. Why am I not surprised?" And the thing was that Remus didn't mind so much at all. He knew it wasn't true, but he doubted he would have minded that much anyway, even if it was.

"I'm not lazy, you're just  _ clever _ , and talented, and all that bullshit." Sirius assured him, despite the fact that it was very obviously Sirius who'd been scraping by on natural talent for the past five years. 

"I'm not talented or anything, you know? I just spend time studying, you know in the library and..." He trailed off, his mind suddenly flicking back to the other night when he'd been doing  _ anything _ but studying in the library. "And..."

"It's..." Sirius felt obliged to fill in the silence, to make things easier for them. "It's fine, you know, you don't have to  _ talk _ about things, I-"

"I probably should. Lily was telling me to, and you know, Lily tends to be right about things, and it's not even what happened that I'm scared of telling you, it's just... it's just what that links to, this tiny detail in this all, that doesn't matter at all, but it does, I've made it matter, because you're made to feel like it should matter." Remus bit his lip, trailing off, "I don't know. Anyway... it's kind of complicated-" He cut himself off, shaking his head, "no it's not. It's not complicated, not really, it's just all the stuff that's linked to it that I haven't told you. That's what's kind of messy, but then that's not even... I don't know..." He looked up at Sirius, all wide eyes and unwarranted panic.

"You don't have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. No matter what Lily says." Sirius ran a hand back through his hair. "Lily says I should study. Do I fucking do that?  _ No _ . Course not."

"But you  _ should _ ." Remus shook his head at him, "she's saying that because it's true. And you should. And that applies to me because Lily's just clever, and Lily knows this thing, that's kind of unrelated to the whole issue, but it's linked in there, and I've been telling her but not you, or James, or Peter, or anyone else, because I'm a bit...  _ scared _ really, and well. Lily guessed."

"Do you want me to guess?" Sirius suggested, and Remus began to consider the idea for a moment, before he came to realise that maybe he didn't want to consider the kind of things that Sirius would assume he was keeping from them.

"Please don't." Remus gave him a smile, "look alright- so the other night, this guy, you know...  _ Zach _ , who we didn't explain to you. Well, I'll explain his significance after this, but what happened was that he came in and I didn't really want to talk to him, but he insisted and sat down and helped me study for a bit but then started asking me questions about things, and it was all a bit, well...  _ awkward _ . And then he got kind of  _ angry _ , and then it came to the point where he'd...." Remus suddenly found his throat going dry.

"He'd?" Sirius gestured vaguely for him to continue, because as much as he didn't want to stress Remus or force him to say something he wasn't comfortable with sharing, he did want to  _ know _ , just so he could help, because that was what he wanted in all of this, really.

"Figured it out..." Remus trailed off once more, eyes widening as he cast his gaze down the hospital wing and onto the figure of a tall Ravenclaw boy. " _ It _ ." He stressed at Sirius, before gesturing towards where Zach stood, pausing to spot the two of them before making his way over to Remus' bed.

Sirius' head was spinning, because honestly who the fuck was this guy? He'd literally never seen him before and yet he wanted to kill him, because what did he deserve to know, could he even be trusted? What if he told someone?  _ Fuck _ , Sirius would actually kill him, and as he approached, Sirius came to accept that more than anything else he really did want to just get up and punch him right in the face, but that'd likely get him kicked out of the hospital wing, and he really couldn't stand that.

He'd just have to find a way to get him to  _ politely _ fuck off, although, thinking about it, Sirius had to admit that being polite wasn't one of his talents at all, especially when it came to those stuck up Ravenclaws that seemed to have the word 'stuck up' practically tattooed upon their faces.

"Did it..." He looked between Remus and Sirius for a few moments; it not having hit him that the boy sat beside Remus was indeed Sirius Black until then. "It..." He attempted to continue, but this time finding that he was met with a slightly less than welcoming look on Sirius' behalf.

"I'm fine." Remus didn't particularly want to speak to Zach at all, but after a few moments of contemplation, he came to conclude that he did actually want to watch Sirius and Zach burn holes into each other with their eyes even less. "I'm fine." He repeated, this time getting Zach's attention, as he took a moment to really taken in Remus' appearance, as opposed to just glaring at Sirius, as he had been seemingly content with before.

"You don't look very fine." Zach couldn't but comment, and honestly Sirius did agree, but he was now dead set on getting this guy to just absolutely  _ fuck off _ , because not only did he not want him here, it was evident that Remus didn't either, and it was that which really  _ meant _ something to Sirius. "I mean..." He avoided Remus' gaze: all raised eyebrows, and badly disguised disinterest. "You've got...  _ bandages _ and-"

"Honestly..." Sirius got up from where he was sat and stepped forward to meet Zach, who did happen to be a good few inches taller than him, but Sirius did try his best not to let that phase him too much. " _ Zach _ , like..." 

He let out a sigh, glancing back at Remus momentarily, just to check whether this was something that he really  _ shouldn't _ do, and as much as Remus looked as if all he wanted to do was hide his head in his hands and run away forever, he wasn't actually  _ saying _ anything or making any direct form of gesture, so Sirius chose to interpret that as it being fine for him to fucking murder the guy, or something...  _ discreetly _ .

"What?" Zach pulled his gaze back towards Sirius, looking down at him and just shaking his head slightly, before folding his arms across his chest, and making a clear point out of not stepping back as Sirius stepped forward. He was not going to let some fucking fifth year intimidate him, because he didn't, and this was all bullshit, and in Zach's mind, Sirius Black looked way too overprotective and just overall too  _ friendly _ with Remus for him to have not lied to him about the nature of their relationship.

"Look, no one fucking asked for your opinion." He gave out a sigh, tucking his hair back behind his ears. "Not me, not Remus. Neither of us want you here, and technically, if you're 'visiting' Remus and he doesn't want to see you, then you have to fuck off. So, I recommend you do."

"How would you know what Remus wants?" Zach shook his head, ignoring Remus entirely, who was now just leaning back and closing his eyes and waiting for it to be fucking  _ over _ , because he really couldn't do anything about it in the state that he was in, but,  _ of course _ , if he could have then he would... probably. "You're not him, are you? I mean, you're  _ just _ ..." Zach trailed off, not  _ entirely _ sure as to what Sirius actually was to Remus, but found himself expecting what he had deemed as the worst.

"And who the fuck are  _ you _ ?" Sirius retorted, placing his hands on Zach's shoulders and physically pushing him back slightly. "I don't know you. You know you've never been mentioned once, except when Remus was crying because you were a dick to him. So that's what he thinks of you - he doesn't like you, nobody fucking does."

Zach shook his head. "I wonder why he hasn't told you. Thinks he's good at keeping secrets, too many of them, honestly, but it fucks him up, and when anyone disagrees with that, he doesn't want to listen." Zach now turned to Remus, "are you really too  _ scared _ ? Too fucking  _ ashamed _ to tell him who we are?"

" _ Were _ ." Remus corrected him, sitting up again: heart pounding in his chest at the thought of Zach just letting it slip, dropping the truth so casually and just  _ leaving _ , because that was not how he wanted it to go. Truth be told, Zach was right in that he didn't particularly want to tell anyone, but he was beginning to accept that, and that along with the fact that he probably should. He just didn't want Sirius to find out like that, he had to be the one to tell him, despite how little he wanted to, he just didn't ever want Sirius to find out from his fucking  _ ex-boyfriend _ .

"Were." Zach stepped back, letting out a sigh. "Yeah, you're fucking right about that. But just because it's over doesn't mind it never happened." He met his eyes with that, "you can't fucking hide from things like that. You know, I thought that wasn't you, I thought that you weren't that kind of  _ guy _ , but look where we are now. All the secrets you've kept from me, all these hospital stays-"

"Zach, I don't want you in my fucking life." It was perhaps Remus saying it like that: with such meaning, with his heart pounding in his chest, and his hands shaking slightly that had it what it took to stop Zach and make him  _ think _ for a moment. "You fucking figured it out, well done. You know why I'm here every month. You can guess why it's a secret. But I don't want your opinion on it, I don't want to talk to you anymore. We're not friends, we're not anything like that."

Zach scoffed, shaking his head, "alright then. All I ever wanted was to help you, you know that right?"

"I don't care." Remus bit his lip, watching as Zach turned away and left the hospital wing, letting out a sigh of relief, as he had imagined that he might have put up more of a protest than he had. In a way it kind of offended him, because surely his friendship was worth fighting for, but he didn't know why the fuck he cared if he just wanted him to leave. He had to admit that his head was just in a bit of a mess right now.

"What..." SIrius trailed off, breaking the silence as the door closed behind the sixth year. "What the fuck?" He shook his head at thin air, before sitting back down, and pulling his chair close to Remus. "What the fuck? Who the fuck does he think he is,  _ honestly _ ?"

Remus gave a shrug, running words through his head, wondering how best to approach this, and just considering if whether he should be saying this  _ in _ a hospital bed. But then finding himself wondering if that was just another excuse, wondering if he'd be finding excuses within everything for the rest of his life? Because Sirius needed to know, because he was his friend, and there was no point in keeping secrets like that, and surely, the whole werewolf thing had been worse than this, and Sirius had still accepted him through that.

"Remus?" Sirius grew concerned in the extended period of silence, watching as Remus seemed to shrink away inside his own head. "Are you alright?"

Remus gave him a nod in response, just finding so much pressure in the matter of answering a simple question truthfully, and not just truthfully, but thoroughly and  _ properly _ . There was a part of him that was screaming that he wasn't ready, imagining just every possible scenario in which this could all go horribly wrong, and yet he knew deep down, that it wouldn't change as time went on, and this was something that he  _ needed _ to say, and-

His thought process was cut off as Sirius turned around, catching sight of someone else making their way into the room, and for a horrible moment Remus thought that Zach might have returned to ruin his life or something, but he found that it was in fact, Lily Evans, who was perhaps the person he felt most comfortable with in his current state of mind.

Lily Evans, who knew exactly what was going on, because even when Remus had been reluctant to say a word, she still always managed to read the truth off of him, and as much as Remus found himself hating that, it was perhaps just what he needed. It was, however, Lily Evans who was so persistent that he got over himself and his insecurities and just  _ told _ people, and people being not just Sirius, but his friends, and just...  _ people _ . 

And nothing terrified him like that, although he wasn't entirely sure why, because it really wasn't so bad, after all, it was just who he was, and his friends cared for him wholly as a person and not just specific parts of his personality.

"Feeling okay?" Lily flashed Remus a smile, before turning her attention to Sirius, who was sat very awkward in the chair, practically sliding off the end of it, and with one knee pulled up to his chest. "Everything alright?" She asked in regards to the situation and the silence of the room. "I thought I'd go and see how you were seeing as I had some time free, you know,  _ after _ eating, unlike some people..." She raised her eyebrows in Sirius' direction, who only shrugged it off.

"I wanted to go see him, leave me alone." Sirius bit his lip before continuing. "Is that such a bad thing?"

Lily shook her head, before sending Remus a  _ look _ , because honestly she really didn't have any idea as to how these idiots were so obliviously infatuated with each other, especially in Sirius' case, who was seemingly yet to even acknowledge any sort of homosexuality at all.

"I'm going to tell him." Remus had read the look off her face and responded accordingly, leaving Sirius looking between the two of them in confusion. "I  _ am _ ." He insisted, letting out a sigh, "Zach was just... in here... he's... I told him to fuck off. He said I should tell Sirius as well, I mean... I..."

"You don't have to do anything because some idiot like Zach says you should." Lily emphasised, sitting down on the end of Remus' bed. "You should probably do the opposite of whatever he says."

"Aren't Ravenclaws supposed to be clever, though?" Remus held what was a valid point, but just not one that Lily cared for.

"You're clever and you're not in Ravenclaw." She told him, "you don't have to say anything, at least not right now-"

"You know I am right here." Sirius added, growing impatient, despite how much he wanted to respect Remus' feelings. "I mean, I  _ am _ just sat here, and I mean, it's fine, but... I don't know. I want to know, I'm like probably not going to be upset or anything."

"You're  _ not _ ." Lily insisted, burning holes into him with her eyes. "It's not an upsetting thing and you're  _ not _ going to get upset.

Remus paused for a second, before coming to a conclusion. "I think I do. I do want to tell him. Honestly, not because of you or Zach, I think I just... I don't know, I want to be truthful." He nodded slightly at Lily. "Not right now though, when I get out, when I can run away if things go wrong."

"They're not going to." Lily insisted, shaking her head in disbelief, "and no offense, Sirius, but if you do end up being a dick about it, I will hunt you down and kill you."

" _ No offense _ ." Sirius raised his eyebrows, repeating her words back to her. "No offense but I may murder you."

"I don't think I'll have to. Very certain of it." She glanced between the two of them and smiled.

-

Remus had left the hospital wing by the next day, and found himself waiting up in their dormitory for the other three boys to return from classes. He'd ended up pacing around the room three times, before just giving up and sitting down on the end of his bed for a few minutes, before he came to conclude that he simply couldn't sit in one place for too long; he was nervous, and he hated it with every fibre of his being.

Because the thing was that he wasn't nervous regarding seeing his friends again, because James and Peter had come in again with Sirius just last evening, and they'd given him the usual time of the month jokes that had, of course, succeeded in making Remus groan and really wish they'd just fuck off, not literally, of course, he did appreciate their company more than anything else. He was just nervous regarding the conversations they'd end up having, and he was beginning to think that everything leading up to that moment crushed him more than the moment itself.

He wandered into the bathroom and met his reflection in the mirror: by now he looked tired more than anything else. That was perhaps an improvement, he wasn't in bandages now, he wasn't lying down on the floor of an abandoned building anymore. He was just living in the aftermath, getting by under the mask that the word 'recovery' seem to command. What was getting better only to get worse as time went past. What was this all? What was held in the way his eyes seemed to grow a little brighter around the moon? What was held in the acknowledgement of who he really was? And what was held in the lack of adversity towards it? What was held in tolerance and kindness? What power did acceptance command over him? Should he let it? Should it matter?

He'd spun himself into a frenzy with question after question, and to no avail, to only the reflection of his stare forever growing bleaker in the mirror. Only stirring as the dormitory door burst open and his friends returned, instantly filling the dormitory with loud chatter and excitement. He remained in silence for a moment, before brushing his hair back away from his face and stepping out to meet them.

"When did you get back?" Peter was the first to notice him, eyes wide as he took in his appearance, mentally assessing how bad he looked out of ten, and Remus did try his best to think little of it, but it was a struggle with his mind jumping and racing to get to any kind of unnecessary conclusion it could lay its hands on.

"Hour ago." Remus shrugged, before offering Peter a smile, and daring to pull his gaze over to where James and Sirius stood, seemingly frozen with their eyes fixated on him, and he wasn't sure that he even looked that  _ bad _ , but everyone was looking and it was  _ far _ too silent. "So..."

"Sorry we're late..." James began, letting out a sigh, and leaning back against the bed post. "Shouldn't have kept you waiting, mate. I mean, you're alright, aren't you?"

"I'm good." Remus reassured him, making a point of nodding in accompaniment. "Didn't even notice you were late, really."

"Yeah," James threw his gaze across at Sirius, who suddenly grew rather red. "This  _ dickhead _ ," he gestured vaguely at Sirius, and Remus couldn't help but let out a giggle in response, "decided it would be a  _ lovely _ idea to go and jinx this fucking Ravenclaw... on the basis that he was looking at him  _ weirdly _ ... whatever that means. Anyway, he's got a detention with McGonagall tomorrow."

"James, you do that with every Slytherin you meet." Peter interrupted, holding what was a very valid point as Sirius and Remus came to the same understanding just through one, very anxious glance.

"They're Slytherins, though." James shrugged it off like it was nothing. "What have Ravenclaws ever done? I think they're alright. There are some pretty nice looking Ravenclaw girls-"

"There are dickheads in every house." Remus spoke up, looking at James as he did so, holding his gaze so firmly that he likely left James somewhat confused in regards to why, but really, Remus was just insanely terrified of catching Sirius' eyes. "Probably was one."

James shrugged, seemingly largely unfazed by the situation as he fell back on his bed, "so, Remus, you're like properly better now?"

"Yeah." Remus gave a nod, stepping forward as if to prove a point. "I'm good."

"Then..." James hit him with a smirk, "do you want to offer your assistance on my Potions essay?"

"By that do you mean do it for you? Because if so you can absolutely  _ fuck _ off." Remus rolled his eyes, but went and sat down on James' bed with him regardlessly. He was just happy that things were at least semi-normal again, and was cherishing the moments he spent before he actually got time with Sirius alone again.

-

Sirius cornered him on the way back up from dinner, grabbing him by the wrist and taking him down a lesser used corridor, before Remus could even fathom protesting the matter. He'd been overworrying it all for the past day, spectaculating and letting it all spiral out of control in his head, because as much as it wasn't really his business at all, he'd just gotten to the place where he  _ needed _ to know.

Remus let himself be dragged into a store cupboard quite a way down the corridor, and backed against the wall of it as Sirius locked it behind them, reaching around for a light switch, before giving up and resorting to the lumos spell instead, causing his wand to produce a small amount of light: enough to fully illuminate, the now  _ obviously _ very small space in which he'd dragged Remus into.

"So...?" Sirius leaned back against the opposite wall, attempting to look as casual as you could after dragging your friend away into a cupboard and locking the door behind him. "Is this weird? Am I being weird?" Sirius shook his head, looking down, "fuck, I'm sorry-"

"It's alright." Remus offered him with was a very obviously weak smile. "You want to know." Sirius nodded in response, almost instantly.

Remus, however, took a moment, glancing at their surroundings, before inhaling sharply and pulling his eyes back up to meet Sirius'. "So... I... well... I'm... I'm..." He ran a hand back through his hair, "fuck... I'm a bit... well... uhh  _ bisexual _ ..." He didn't dare look up at Sirius to gauge his reaction, and instead fixated his gaze firmly upon the ground. "Well, not a bit, quite a lot, really. I mean, I don't know, can you even measure it? And well... I... so, me and Zach kind of  _ dated _ ... a bit... like in June, end of fourth year kind of thing..."

There was what felt like a year long silence, before Sirius finally came to respond: his voice louder than Remus had expected. "You dated  _ that _ dickhead? What was-  _ why _ ? What is at  _ all _ appealing about him?"

Remus snorted, shaking his head, "I guess he was alright at the time, I don't know. It's kind of... complicated?" He knew it really wasn't the right word but he wasn't in the place to reach for another.

"So." Sirius let out a sigh, "so that's like... bisexual like..."

"Girls, boys, whatever... it's not a big deal." Remus finally managed to make eye contact with Sirius in this all. "I figured it out in like third year. It's just... a  _ thing _ ."

Sirius nodded, "I'm not judging you for liking guys, I'm just struggling to comprehend what the fuck you found attractive in him?"

Remus rolled his eyes, "shut up, alright, it was bad decision, I  _ know _ -"

"Wait? So when we played truth or dare..." Sirius' eyes widened in disbelief, "and you said you kissed  _ six _ people-"

"Sirius, I'm not going to give you an extensive list of everyone I've kissed, that's just weird."

"I want to know!" Sirius exclaimed, looking genuinely disappointed. "For  _ research  _ purposes!"

"I'm not letting you go around jinxing all of my exes for looking at you 'weirdly'-"

"It was a  _ glare,  _ Remus, it was a  _ glare _ !" Sirius continued to insist.

"If you say so." Remus glanced towards the door, "can we get out of this cupboard now or do you just like being locked in small spaces or something?"

"No, I'm keeping you captive here forever." Sirius deadpanned; Remus only rolled his eyes at him and unlocked the door.

-


	10. shit gets a bit gay

For the past week, ever since Remus had finally managed to come out to him, Sirius had found himself asking random questions relating to homoseuxality at the most inappropriate of times. Really, he couldn’t help himself for being  _ curious _ , you know, just about his best friend and how things were for him, and well, what it was like to be a bit gay. 

These questions were all of course,  _ purely _ hypothetical on Sirius’ part, and really, it was fine, Remus didn’t mind answering the majority of them - some of them did get a little too personal - he was not going to describe the attractive features of a cock in great detail to Sirius Black. It was just the incredibly awkward timing they  _ always _ came at, and Sirius had sworn that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, he was just asking them as they came to mind, and there was nothing wrong with that, well, until your really rather attractive best friend was asking you if you were a top or a bottom on the way to Herbology… where people could  _ hear _ .

Remus’ eyes widened in shock, at first having not  _ believed _ that Sirius would just casually ask something like that, but then again, over the past week, Remus had really confirmed his belief in the fact that Sirius Black, in fact, did not possess any kind of boundaries or common sense, but then again, Remus felt like that was something that he really already knew.

“ _ Sirius _ !” He shrieked, looking around, praying that no one had heard him, and finding that thankfully, no one seemed to have even so much as looked up.

“What?” Sirius let out a laugh in response, holding Remus’ gaze for a moment. “It’s a  _ perfectly _ reasonable question, isn’t it? I mean, you even encouraged me to be open and ask things - you said that’d make it easier and more natural.”

“For one!” Remus raised his voice slightly, finding himself in utter disbelief, because as much as he really didn’t want anyone around them to hear, it was largely just the fact that discussing whether you topped or bottomed with a really attractive guy, who also happened to be one of your closest friends since you were literally eleven years old, was just really rather  _ awkward _ . “The way to fucking  _ Herbology _ is not the best place to have this kind of conversation at all. And on top of that, this is  _ absolutely _ not the kind of conversation I want to have  _ ever _ .”

“Why not?” Sirius seemed to look genuinely disheartened, and honestly, Remus just didn’t know  _ what _ to think about that, because there was just the air of something slightly less than heterosexual in all of this, but Remus definitely did not want to get his hopes up - after all, Sirius was just a naturally curious person with very little regard for people’s personal space and privacy.

“Because it’s kind of a  _ private _ thing, you know?” Remus couldn’t quite believe he was actually having to  _ explain _ this, but then again, this was Sirius Black. “Like, would you ask James for a graphic description of how he’d fuck Lily in public?”

Sirius snorted, and shook his head, “I wouldn’t have to ask - he’d  _ willingly _ tell me, come on, you know that? He’d climb the stands of the quidditch pitch and scream it from them, do you even  _ know _ the guy?”

Remus rolled his eyes, taking a moment to think of another example, but then came to conclude that they really didn’t have any normal friends. “Okay, well, James Potter is not a  _ normal _ person, let’s just say that? I mean, who asks one girl out twenty seven times in a week?”

“He’s dedicated.” Sirius insisted, a grin falling over his lips as he came to recall that one week in second year when James had been particularly persistent: accompanied by the logic that  _ eventually _ she just had to give up and say yes, even if it was only to stop him asking. 

That ‘hell’ had only come to an end when Remus had looked James dead in the eyes and told him that the definition of insanity was exactly doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results, which had caused him to stop for a little bit, but he’d ended up ambushing Lily a few days later, but before he could even open his mouth, Lily had kicked him right in the balls, and as much as Sirius did love James, there was a part of him that would give anything to have been there to witness what he would easily refer to as the eighth wonder of the world. It was only then that James had actually decided that it would be better if he calmed down for a while.

“Well…” Remus trailed off, thinking of really  _ anything _ to dispute Sirius’ claim, but finding that he really couldn’t. “You’re not  _ wrong _ .”

Sirius smirked: far too proud to have been right than he should have been, as usual. “So, are you going to stop avoiding the question now? Come on, why is it that you won’t tell me?”

“Why do you even  _ want _ to know?” It was only once the words had left Remus’ lips that he considered that perhaps maybe this was just one of those questions that you should  _ never _ ask Sirius Black, under  _ any _ circumstances. 

“I’m curious. It’s not that weird of a question to ask.” Sirius continued, lowering his voice as they grew closer to the greenhouses. “Come on, let’s admit it, you’re the one of us here who’s making a big deal out of it because it’s a gay thing.”

And honestly, that was the last thing that Remus Lupin had ever expected Sirius Black to say, and perhaps what was worse, was that the more he thought about it, the more he realised, that in all honesty, Sirius, again, wasn’t  _ wrong _ . That sure as hell didn’t mean that he was going to admit it, though.

“Look, even if I was willing to talk about it, it wouldn’t be in Herbology, alright?” Remus gave Sirius a look, before making his way into the greenhouse and hoping that Sirius would finally think to just shut the fuck up now, because there definitely had been several occasions before when Sirius had found it near impossible just to get the message.

As they gathered around the greenhouse, Lily Evans shot Remus an unsettling kind of  _ knowing _ look, that left him suddenly very self-conscious, and worried that Sirius had somehow managed to write his own personal opinion regarding whether Remus would top or bottom on his forehead. He knew, of course, that it was ridiculous, and as much as Sirius was a bit of a dickhead, he definitely wouldn’t do something like that, but  _ still _ , he did catch his reflection in a metallic plant pot in the corner of the room, you know, just to make sure.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Remus squeezed in between Lily and Alice once he’d established that he did in fact look perfectly normal. 

He glanced a little way across the room to see Sirius telling what was a likely over-exaggerated and slightly untrue story to James, complete with unnecessarily big hand gestures that were bordering on health and safety hazard, as James looked right past him and found that staring at Lily was a far more productive way to waste the beginning of a Herbology lesson. Remus considered waving at James, just to let him know that he was nowhere near as discreet as he thought he was being, but he reckoned that it was definitely Lily’s job to call James out on being weirdly creepy towards her.

“Like what?” Lily asked, following Remus’ gaze across the room to James, and flat out _rolling_ _her eyes_ at him, which he very much noticed, leaving him to blush, and very quickly turn to Sirius like he’d been listening to him all along, and hadn’t so much as acknowledged Lily’s presence in the room. “Like James is staring at me?” She raised her eyebrows, “because that’d be weird, and trust me, I wasn’t doing that.”

Alice snorted from beside the two of them. “James Potter is fucking  _ weird _ honestly.” She held Remus’ gaze for a moment, waiting for a reaction, and considering apologising somewhat, vaguely, but she came to conclude that it wasn’t necessary - after all, Remus didn’t even seem to look that offended.

“I mean, you have a  _ point _ .” Remus began to explain, glancing back over at James to catch him sneaking another glance at Lily, “okay, you  _ definitely _ have a point, but he means  _ well _ . He’s a good guy, honestly. He’s not doing it to be a dickhead, he just kind of doesn’t know how to be himself and not be a dickhead… or something like that.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Sounds a lot like he’s just a dickhead to me.”

“Sometimes he’s alright.” Lily added, lowering her voice just to be sure that James didn’t overhear that because she was certain that it would be something she’d  _ never _ hear the end of. “Anyway, what was your point?”

“Oh yeah…” Remus blushed, turning away from Alice, and lowering his voice slightly, “when I walked in, me and Sirius, you were just looking at me weird, I don’t know. It kind of-”

“He’s been asking you embarrassingly personal questions, hasn’t he?” Lily finished for him, and Remus wasn’t entirely sure why she even bothered to phrase her words as a question, because, really, they both very well knew that she was right.

“Yeah…” Remus trailed off, feeling his cheeks heating up slightly. “I mean, it’s good that he wants to talk about it openly, you know, like it’s just something  _ normal _ -”

Lily cut him off: tone stern, and something almost nerve wracking in the way she held his gaze. “It  _ is _ normal.”

“I know.” Remus nodded, voice growing even quieter, “you know what I mean, like it’s just something that’s been there all along, and not some massive thing I sprang on him a week ago.” 

Lily hesitated for a moment: still not entirely satisfied with the way Remus seemed to regard the matter of his own sexuality, but she nodded regardless, concluding that despite her concerns, this definitely wasn’t the kind of conversation they should be having in Herbology. Really, they shouldn’t be having any kind of conversation in Herbology, but the thing was that half the class was and Professor Sprout was yet to notice.

“So it’s nice that he’s treating it  _ casually _ , but I mean, there are just some things I don’t ever want to fully discuss with him, you know, regardless of gender and what not, but  _ being _ Sirius Black, he really doesn’t seem to get that.” Remus glanced across the room at him, taking a moment to take in just how unfairly attractive he was, and leaving himself feeling an awful lot like James, and as much as Remus did like James Potter, that definitely was  _ not _ a good thing.

“What kind of things is he asking?” Lily leaned closer to Remus, lowering her voice. “Like, how personal?”

“Well…” Remus exhaled deeply, glancing around before he whispered the response to Lily. “On the way here, he just out of the blue, randomly asked me if I was a top or a bottom.”

Lily’s eyes widened, and she let out an odd kind of coughing, sort of spluttering noise as she attempted to discreetly look across the room at Sirius, who seemed to be still telling the same overly animated story to James, who at least, seemed to be listening this time.

“Yeah…” Remus trailed off, unable to stop his cheeks growing red as he relived the moment in his mind.

“Honestly that sounds more like he’s trying to hit on you than anything else.” Lily added: voice hushed, but still Remus found himself suddenly so very  _ aware _ of the public nature of their conversation.

“He’s not.” Remus assured her, although, he could never be  _ certain _ , but he was largely confident, and honestly, he reckoned that even entertaining the possibility of SIrius feeling the same way as he did would just be way more trouble than it was worth, because sure, Sirius was all kinds of insanely attractive, but when it came to the logistics of actually  _ dating _ him? Surely that must be a nightmare.

Although, Remus was pretty well experienced in putting up with him as his best friend. Really, he didn’t know if he was being honestly with himself or just making excuses to avoid the subject anymore, but the fact of the matter was that if he was going to have a mini mental breakdown over this, then he most definitely wasn’t going to have it in the middle of Herbology.

“Has he ever actually… you know… made much of a point regarding who he’s attracted to?” Lily continued regardless of how visibly uncomfortable Remus was sure he looked.

And Remus was ready to assure that  _ yes _ , Sirius Black was straight - that was that, and it was just a stupid crush, but  _ thinking _ about it, the fact was that Sirius really hadn’t made that much of a reference to his sexuality at all.

“I don’t think he’s had a girlfriend has he?” Lily’s eyes widened, “I mean, girls have had crushes on him, but he’s never really dated one, has he?”

Remus bit his lip. “No he hasn’t.  _ But _ , neither has James, neither has Peter.”

“James has spent the last five years obsessing over me.” Lily told Remus what he was of course, already, very sure of, “and I’m pretty sure Peter’s never actually  _ spoken _ to a girl.”

“Okay, maybe all my friends are socially inept, maybe that’s it!” Remus had really never been so eager to prove someone’s heteroseuxlaity in his entire life.

“Maybe.” Lily shrugged, “but  _ maybe _ , there’s a reason he’s asking so many questions about all of this. Just think about that.”

And as much as Remus just didn’t want to, he found that he just really couldn’t stop himself, because the more Lily spoke about it, the more Remus realised that she definitely did have a point, and after all, Lily definitely wasn’t the kind of person to convince him of something that wasn’t true, just to make him feel better about his life.

-

Narcissa was sure that she was crossing some sort of moral line when she found herself disappointed in the fact that Lucius Malfoy and his dysfunctional bunch of mindless, worshipping followers had neglected to cause any form of large scale havoc for the past week or so. Because, surely that was a good thing, and one less unnecessary worry for the younger Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff students to have, but from the way she was looking at it, it was coming close to being one of the worst thing that had happened in a long time.

Because the thing was, despite how little her desire to admit it was, that Lucius Malfoy was rather smart. Sure, his ‘friends’ most definitely weren’t, but there was no denying that fact that Lucius Malfoy had need a sizeable amount of natural intelligence and cunning to land himself in the position he had. Therefore, considering this, and considering his rather cruel nature, there had to be a reason he’d put a stop to things for the time being, and the thing was that Narcissa had this horrible feeling that it was down to the fact that he’d somehow managed to catch onto what she and Marlene had been doing.

They’d been extra careful to be discreet and go as unnoticed in this all as they possibly could, but Narcissa had been largely counting on Malfoy’s big head and lack of regard for what anyone else around him was doing to get them by. Perhaps he’d found something suspicious in her sudden friendship with Marlene, which admittedly, was not something that Narcissa could say that she’d seen coming, but it was definitely a good thing in the end, as she’d found that she and Marlene were very like minded and definitely were very much on each other’s wavelength.

There was also the fact that Marlene was much closer to Sirius Black than Narcissa could ever hope of getting, which was particularly useful in regards to the fact that Narcissa had come to conclude that whatever was going on, that side of the Black family was definitely very much tied into it, even if it just happened to be in ways that neither Sirius nor Regulus could quite understand at that point in time. This was made increasingly evident by Malfoy’s persistent attempts to gain Regulus’ trust, however, thankfully it didn’t seem like something that would happen at all very soon.

Narcissa was also very much caught up with the worry that whatever it was, that it was something that her sister, Bellatrix, might end up, or indeed have already ended up getting involved in, because as much as she found it difficult to like, or even get along with her, she did indeed care for her to some extent, and that extent definitely extended to whatever kind of mess this was, because from the way she was looking at it now, it definitely didn’t appear as harmless as she might have originally thought it to be.

Since she’d began to worry that Malfoy had been catching onto just what her and Marlene had been doing, she’d made precautions to keep their meetings even more secretive, because any way that she looked at it, there just really was no excuse for the rather sudden appearance of their friendship.

That night they’d agreed to meet by the lake at midnight, and honestly the timing of their meetings was doing nothing to help their schoolwork and the matter of staying awake all the way through their first lesson that next morning, but they’d agreed that finding out exactly what was going on here definitely outweighed an extra few hours of sleep.

There was also the fact that they both found that they really did enjoy one another’s company, and perhaps in more than an unexpected friendly alliance in a common cause kind of way. But Marlene had definitely declared that as something she couldn’t risk even considering, especially under the circumstances, not that she’d be at all certain that she’d be leaping at it if things were different. Narcissa found herself a little less informed as to the nature of it all, but had definitely declared it to be something a little odd, but not as something that deserved all of her attention right now.

It was sixteen minutes past midnight by the same they’d both made it to the lake that night. Marlene had found herself slightly held up in the matter of making it out of the Gryffindor common room unnoticed due to the fact that a first year had started having a panic attack because they just realised they’d forgotten to due a Potions essay that was due tomorrow, and Lily had taken up the duty of getting him to calm down and beginning to help him get through it, whilst he was still bawling his eyes out, and then of course, Lily Evan’s involvement had left James Potter to conclude that the happiness of this first year boy that he’d literally never seen before in his life was actually the most important thing in the entire world.

And well, when James Potter genuinely tries to help with something serious, especially involving younger students, it can only go wrong, and that was of course coupled with the fact that all of James’ friends had found it imperative that they also assist him in his very ‘heroic’ cause that definitely focused on the poor first year in the middle of all of this, and not just Lily.

Really, Marlene had been hoping that she’d be able to slip out when there were only a few people left in the common room, and that the ones that still remained were too busy caught up in finishing homework assignments, or just too tired to even notice her slip away and not return for a good few hours afterwards, but of course, she had been very wrong.

“Bit late, aren’t you?” Narcissa commented, moving away from the tree she’d been leaning against for the past ten minutes or so, as she caught sight of Marlene approaching. “Starting to think you’d forgotten or something.” Her face gave way to a smirk, “but,  _ of course _ , you Gryffindors are far too righteous and heroic to ever consider forgetting about an important meeting with a very important friend about something very important.”

Marlene rolled her eyes in response, taking a glance around her and across the lake, just to confirm that they were indeed alone, well aside from the hundreds of great mythical beasts lurking in the bottom of the lake that Dumbledore just casually neglected to formally inform anyone about, but she reckoned that they weren’t their highest priority at that moment in time.

“Not my fault.” Marlene informed her, sitting down at the edge of the lake: cross legged on the bank. “Really not.” She assured Narcissa, who had chosen to respond to her prior comment with little more than a questioning smirk, which was so  _ typically _ Slytherin that Marlene thought she might be sick. But truth be told, she found that she really did rather like Narcissa Black, despite everything that she thought she knew.

“How so?” Narcissa found herself enquiring as she joined Marlene in sitting by the lake, and reaching down and brushing her fingertips across the water’s surface. “Not as cold as I thought.”

Marlene raised her eyebrows, following Narcissa’s gaze down to where her fingertips made contact with the inky black water of the lake. “What?” She scoffed, “planning on going for a swim with the giant squid?”

Narcissa shrugged, pulling her hand away and into her lap, “not particularly. Not really my style.” She gave Marlene a look, “anyway, stop avoiding the question - what exactly was it that kept you?”

“There was this first year kid crying in the common room, and then Lily decided to help him, and then James Potter saw this as the perfect chance to display his charming heroic qualities to her by helping, but of course, he just made everything worse and then about half of Gryffindor got involved with this one kid who’d forgotten to do his Potions homework.” Marlene shook his head as she replayed it through in her mind. “James’ fault really. I mean, most of the trouble that happens tends to be.

“Exactly.” Narcissa added with a laugh. “That’s hardly a surprise, is it? Anyway, on the subject of everyone’s favourite dickhead Gryffindors, how’s Sirius? Do you think anything else has come up?”

“No,” Marlene took a moment to recall the last few times she’d spoken to Sirius. “Not as far as I can tell. I mean, he and Remus had a bit of a fall out a week or so ago, but they seem to be closer than ever now. He seems happier if anything, and of course, that feels like it’s linked to Remus. I mean, you know, those  _ two _ .”

Narcissa’s eyes widened, “what do you mean?” She thought over it for a moment, “by  _ those two _ , what  _ exactly _ are you talking about?”

Marlene raised her eyebrows, letting out a snort. “Have you really not noticed?”

“Well, I’m not the one who’s forced to spend an excess of time with them by being in the same house together, am I?” Narcissa rolled her eyes, finding that she was actually rather thankful of the aforementioned fact, regardless of the nature of their current investigation.

“Maybe you should take a look at them together and fill in the blanks for yourself.” Marlene suggested, wondering quite what Narcissa would make of them, and how it could possibly differ to her own personal suspicions, because of course, nobody really knew what was going on between the two of them, and indeed Marlene did doubt that the two themselves even really knew.

Narcissa paused for a moment before coming to a rather abrupt conclusion. “Is it a gay thing? Because I mean, Sirius has always been a bit off sexuality wise, like he’s an attractive guy and I don’t think he’s ever kissed a girl or anything like that.”

Marlene didn’t get chance to respond, but the look upon her face was enough.

“I knew it.” She proclaimed, although due to the fact that she’d been asking Marlene for all the answers just moments ago, she really doubted that she actually had known it all along. “Wait… do you think this could have something to do with all of this, maybe?”

“It’s unlikely, I mean, neither of them are actually out or anything like that-”

“Yeah, but look at it  _ logically _ , we can’t have been the only two people in the entire world that have noticed.” Narcissa interrupted her with a very sudden realisation. “I mean, I don’t want to… but do you think perhaps someone has noticed, someone like Malfoy or someone, and then mentioned it so ‘casually and accidentally’ in front of Sirius’ parents or something? Because that sounds like  _ exactly _ the kind of thing Malfoy would do, and especially just to get in the good books of another family of prestigious fuckheads.”

Marlene couldn’t help but snort at her choice of wording, despite the serious nature of their conversation. “That family of prestigious fuckheads that you, yourself, are a part of.” She took a moment to remind Narcissa that she was indeed Narcissa Black, although, it was unlikely, with all of this at the front of her mind, that Narcissa really needed reminding.

“Yes, but look at me, making an effort not to be a prestigious fuckhead.” Narcissa gestured at herself in protest. “I mean, is Sirius a prestigious fuckhead?”

Marlene snorted, thinking for a moment, before coming to a conclusion. “ _ Honestly _ . He is, but not in the Slytherin kind of way, you know, like a Gryffindor prestigious fuckhead. Like James Potter-”

“Like the entirety of Gryffindor house.” Narcissa pointed out, rolling her eyes at Marlene’s attempt to defend the modesty of Gryffindor house.

“That’s  _ besides _ the point.” Marlene made a point of bringing emphasis to her voice, and in turn, the matter of changing the subject back to something more relevant to the moment. “I don’t think anyone has. I mean, maybe Malfoy has put a few things together, but I don’t think he’s gone as far as to actually mention anything to Sirius’ parents, because being honest about this, aren’t the two of them practically leaping at any opportunity to disown him? And this looks like a perfect one.”

Narcissa had to admit that Marlene had a point; she had a habit of doing that - being right about things, which was rather innately irritating for Narcissa, who had a habit of obsessing over being right about things. 

“You never know.” Narcissa continued, drawing out a breath, “maybe they’re actually really nice and supportive of gay people, and can just connect to the homophobic struggles that their son would face on a daily basis, and due to that fact, came to conclude that it was for the best that they completely changed their whole opinion on him and accepted him into their life fully as their first born son and heir to the Black family.”

Marlene snorted, “right… seems very  _ likely _ , because these people aren’t all about other people’s opinions, and family fortunes and marrying their sons off to fucking trophy wives.” Marlene took a moment to be just generally thankful that this wasn’t the kind of situation she’d ever find herself facing.

“Who knows?” Narcissa gave a shrug, trying not to think about how all of this affected her too, and how at least she didn’t have to think about it yet, but the fact that it most definitely loomed ahead in her future. “Maybe Remus will make a lovely trophy wife? I don’t know, I’ve never really spoken to him.” She took a moment just to think about that, “I never have. That’s kind of weird. I don’t know why exactly, but that just makes me feel bad.”

Marlene shook her head in reassurance, “oh come on, don’t be stupid, it’s absolutely not your fault - the only reason you’ve never spoken to him is because you and Remus Lupin, really aren’t the kind of people to ever cross paths.” She shot Narcissa a smile, “don’t worry about it - you’re the good one in all of this.”

“I’m just…” She trailed off, biting at her bottom lip, “well, if there really is something between Sirius and Remus, then one day Remus could end up being my cousin in law, and that’s weird to think about a guy I’ve never spoken to.”

“You’ve hardly spoken to Sirius much, though, have you?” Marlene took a moment to point out.

“Yeah, but he’s my  _ cousin _ . I know who he is. He’s been around since I was little, I mean we’ve never really properly gotten along, but he’s been there awkwardly standing in the corner of my birthday parties pretending to give a shit for the past fifteen years and I think that means something.” 

Marlene burst out into a fit of laughter. “You’re are  _ such _ a rich kid.” Narcissa didn’t quite know what to say in response to that, because as much as she personally didn’t like the accusation, there was just no avoiding the fact that it was true. “Fucking hell.” Marlene continued, shaking her head as she managed to stop herself from laughing.

“It’s not that weird.” Narcissa made an attempt to defend herself, but her words came out much less like a protest and much more in the form of a half whimpered voice, searching for any kind of reassurance she could find.

“You, Narcissa  _ Black _ ,” Marlene made a point of emphasising her last name, which was something that Narcissa had to admit that she wasn’t particularly fond of at all, “are just struggling to understand the concept of non-incestual marriage. Such a filthy fucking pureblood.” Marlene fell back down onto the grass, letting one foot dangle above the water of the lake. 

“That’s what…” Narcissa trailed off, looking down at the water with an odd kind of pain in her eyes, because the reality of her family situation had never quite hit her like this. “That’s what…” She began again: stumbling to search for the words, “that’s just how things are in my family, that’s just everything I’ve ever  _ known _ .”

Marlene nodded, changing tone immediately, and looking up to watch the way Narcissa seemed to hunch over herself a little more. “It’s not your fault.” She reassured her, catching Narcissa’s gaze, and gesturing for her to lie down against the grass with her; Narcissa appeared apprehensive at first, but after a moment, seemed to come to a kind of ‘fuck it’ decision and complied.

“I don’t want to be someone’s fucking trophy wife.” Narcissa let out a sigh, fixing her gaze upon the night sky above them: sky too clouded to make any stars visible, which was so fucking typical, wasn’t it? “But that’s too fucking bad.”

Marlene thought for a moment, not entirely sure what to say about that, as having very little experience in regards to the nonsensical traditions of stuck up pureblood Slytherin families at all.

“Are Sirius and Remus happy?” She asked, looking across at Marlene as if she knew the answers to everything in the universe, and in that moment, for Narcissa, she just might as well have.

“Together?” Marlene gave a laugh, “come on, I don’t even know if they’re dating, I mean, I think someone would know if they were, because James Potter is the worst person at keeping secrets in the world, and he’d have to know.” She paused for a moment, running it through her mind once more. “I don’t know, though. Look the point is that I don’t know.”

“I mean…” Narcissa trailed off, looking off up at the sky, “maybe it’s worth saying fuck it to what your parents say and think if what you want to do is genuinely what’s best, and if it’s that. And not what they think that’s best. If it makes you happy.”

“Course it’s worth it.” Marlene assured her, following her gaze up to the night sky. “I’m sure of that.”

“Typical fucking Gryffindor.” Narcissa broke into a grin, “always so sure about everything.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “though, have you thought about the fact that, maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m right.”

-

It was two the next morning, which really wasn’t the next day at all, not by Remus’ measure, but he doubted that counted for much. Anyway, the fact of the matter was that he just couldn’t sleep; he’d found himself laying in bed staring up at the ceiling for a good two hours now, and of course, the oddest part to this all, was the fact the fact that he couldn’t really put it down to anything at all: there was nothing on his mind, keeping his attention, there was no overdue school work to worry about, nothing much had even happened the evening prior to particularly entertain his subconscious. 

He’d just finished his Transfiguration essay, let Peter copy and reword slightly one of the paragraphs, read it through after he had done so to check that Peter had actually considered what rewording meant, and the fact that Professor McGonagall was already well aware of the fact that they all ended up copying each other’s homework anyway, and that continuing to do so blatantly certainly wasn’t helping matters. Remus thought maybe he shouldn’t have let him copy it in the first place, but he’d found himself feeling particularly nice that day, and well Peter was feeling just particularly useless at Transfiguration, and really as long as he took care not to make it exceedingly obvious, it wasn’t hurting anyone that much.

Eventually, Remus came to the point where he accepted that lying in bed trying to sleep wasn’t going to accomplish anything at all, and climbed out of bed, threw on the first sweater he found on his floor, rummaged through his drawers for, well, his weed, because what else could you do at two in the morning when you couldn’t sleep other than climb through the window, out onto the tiny and generally unsafe balcony and smoke a joint. Which is, of course,  _ exactly _ what Remus did.

It was getting colder as the months dragged on, and September faded into October, and Remus found him shivering slightly in the late night, well  _ early morning _ , air, but he found that even with the first drag of his joint, he immediately felt more relaxed. Not that he was at all sure as to what had left him, well,  _ less _ than relaxed to begin with; he found himself considering for what was certainly a wild moment, that it was linked to Sirius, and his well, persistency in regards to learning the great dirty secrets of Remus’ sexuality.

Which seemed a bit ridiculous in all honesty, and Remus couldn’t help brush it off and regard it entirely as such, but the fact was that the more he pondered over the matter, the more secure he became in the conclusion that the only thing of interest that day had been the way Sirius had been so insistent in quizzing Remus about his sexuality -  _ especially _ that question about topping and bottoming. Which, thinking about it, was harmless and in good nature, because Sirius never did mean him any harm ever, but despite that, Remus couldn’t shake the anxiety behind it all.

He thought that just coming out to Sirius, even if just Sirius, would make things easier, but he found that in reality, he’d found it harder to talk about his sexuality, not easier as he had hoped and imagined that it might be. He hated the fact that in all likeliness, it was linked to his stupid fcuking crush on Sirius, which was just, and  _ only _ just that - a stupid fucking crush - nothing more. What he came to hate more, was of course, the idea that this stupid fucking crush was genuinely affecting his friendship and how comfortable he felt around Sirius, and it just didn’t fucking help that the more time he spent around him, his crush only grew stronger.

He was glad of the early hour of the morning, and the time it gave him to himself to think, or something like that, because the thing was that in his current state he just wasn’t entirely sure that he was fully capable of rational thought, not that the majority of his thoughts tended to be very rational anymore. He reckoned he was just glad for the peace and quiet - and the weed, that too. Not that he was a massive stoner or anything. Totally not.

Remus had just about relaxed and gotten comfortable with the idea of solitude when the window opened with a creak, which although rather quiet in the scheme of things, in that moment seemed to hold the power to reduce Remus to a startled, paranoid mess, but then again, maybe that was also the weed.

It was the shock of the sound of the window itself opening however that had left him having temporarily forgotten just what it meant, which was indeed, the fact that someone was coming through it, as they had likely noticed he was out of his bed. And of course,  _ of course _ that someone had to be Sirius Black.

Remus, who had been enjoying the peace and quiet of his own mind made a significant effort not to look excessively disappointed. However, it soon became apparent that Sirius was far from his usual self: hair sticking up at all angles, giving Remus the impression at first that he’d only just gotten out of bed, but as he caught sight of Sirius’ face, he quickly came to conclude that he’d definitely been crying, and Remus didn’t know what to say at all.

It seemed that neither did Sirius, who seemed to just accept Remus’ presence, as he nudged the window closed behind him and sat himself down opposite Remus. The two looked at each other for a minute or two: all wide eyes with questioning looks, but lips sealed shut as they didn’t dare let the words hidden behind those looks out for just a moment.

It was Remus who did eventually break their silence, but only as Sirius seemed to lose control of something inside of himself and curl up, burying his head into his knees as he let out a great fucking  _ sob _ .

“Sirius, are you…” Remus trailed off, feeling that the notion of asking his crying best friend if he was alright was just awfully stupid, but still found that he didn’t have much at all in the way of better ideas. “What’s going on? Come on, talk to me.” Remus found his voice falling into what was little more than an awkward plead as Sirius curled further in upon himself, making it more and more apparent that perhaps the last thing he wanted to do was actually  _ talk _ to Remus about just what it was that had left him in that state, but really, as much as Remus wanted to respect Sirius’ wishes in regards to most things, he just couldn’t bring himself to sit there and watch him cry his fucking eyes out at two in the fucking morning.

The thing was that Remus hadn’t even been aware that Sirius was awake; he’d be sure that he’d just been asleep in his bed - that they all had, but when he thought about it, he did find himself become suddenly very aware of the fact that despite what he’d assumed, he just simply hadn’t checked. Of course, that only led him to grow more concerned as to just what had left Sirius in the state he was.

Sirius, however, finally came to answer that very question for him. “I went to see my brother.”

“Oh…?” Remus wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to say in response to that, so he found himself going with the first thing that came to mind. “Did it go… badly?”

Sirius shrugged, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “I guess.” He let out a snort, taking a moment to think about just how ridiculous he must look in that moment, but in turn, appreciate the way that Remus continued to look at him with only respect and concern, because if Sirius Black knew anything, it was that he did not deserve the friends he had.

“I’m sorry.” Remus found himself feeling obliged to apologise - of course, for what reason, he wasn’t all that sure at all. He just found himself feeling sorry, and there was this sort of awkward decay in his brain to mouth filter at that moment in time. Again, it had absolutely  _ nothing _ to do with the weed. At all. 

Sirius shook his head, “it’s not your fault, don’t be stupid.” He let his gaze fall out across the night sky as he ran the events of the night through his head. “Fuck, honestly it wasn’t even Regulus’ fault. It’s mine, if I’m honest. I mean, if we have to point the blame on someone. I don’t know, I just feel like fucking  _ shit _ , because he just… he doesn’t  _ know _ . Something fucking happened and it’s the biggest fucking thing in the world, and he’s fucking clueless - fucking everyone’s fucking clueless because I’m too fucking scared to talk to anybody about it. And then you came out, and it’s like,  it proves that there’s no fucking reason for secrets between us, but still I’m too fucking scared to tell you, even.”

Remus found that he had an even lesser idea as to what he was supposed to say in response to that. “It’s up to you whether you talk to people about things, and if you’re not comfortable with doing that, then it’s just-”

“No.” Sirius shook his head, pulling his hair back and away from his face. “It’s something that people  _ should _ . No, people  _ need _ to know about. It’s that kind of thing, it’s literally fucking life changing, and it’s the dark secret, and I don’t know why I’m keeping it for my fucking  _ father _ , because it’s like I’m scared, but I’m not fucking scared of him.” Sirius’ voice grew louder and he began to spit the words out. “He doesn’t even know that I know, though, and it’s been eating away at me, and it’s just… I don’t know what to do, it’s something that I don’t want to know, because I know that I can’t do shit about it. I wish someone else would have seen. I wish he’d even just cleared it up, just hidden it all away so that it at least wasn’t my problem and not something I have to fucking  _ think _ about everyday.”

“I’m…” Remus was unsure quite what to think. “You can talk to me about it if you want.”

“No I can’t!” Sirius exclaimed, shaking his head in protest, “because it’s a shitty fucking thing, and it’s a shitty fucking thing for me just to ignore for nearly two months because I’m too fucking scared to do anything about it. In all honesty, though, I don’t know  _ what _ to do.” He could feel himself beginning to cry again, but at this point at least, he had come to terms with the fact that he would find himself sobbing in front of Remus for a good part of that morning.

“It doesn’t have to be on your mind.” Remus suggested, not entirely sure as to whether what he was saying applied in the slightest due to the fact that Sirius was yet to reveal to him as to just what it was that they were talking about, but he definitely didn’t want to pressure him. “You can just accept that it’s none of your business and forget about it.”

“But I  _ can’t _ .” Sirius assured him: wishing more than anything that he could, and that Remus was right about this like he was about most things, but the simple fact of the matter was that, this time, he just _ wasn’t _ . “You don’t understand.”

“Then  _ tell me _ . I want to understand.” Remus looked across at him: eyes wide and pleasing. “ _ Let me _ . Please.”

Sirius was uncertain: uncertain of the truth held behind his words, and uncertain as to whether Remus would stick to it, because he sure as hell might have meant it, but Sirius didn’t doubt for a moment that everything would change the very moment Remus really found out what had happened in August. 

A few moments of silence followed: the two sharing the same questioning looks as before, but it was however this time, Remus that broke the silence. “You don’t have to. Don’t you dare think for a second that you have to. I don’t ever want to make you feel that way.”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “It’s different. I don’t  _ have _ to, and I don’t want to, but looking at it from anyway, I  _ should _ . And that’s what counts isn’t it? I  _ should _ tell people, because maybe there are some secrets that people shouldn’t get to keep, and I can’t go back in time and fucking unsee it, and thinking about it properly, I wouldn’t change that, because he doesn’t deserve to get away with it, no matter how little I want to be the one that condemns him.”

“He?” Remus inquired, unable to stop himself from falling into the trap of over thinking, and theorising all sorts of unrelated nonsense, of every kind of impossible possibility that just didn’t seem quite so impossible the longer he thought about it.

“My  _ father _ .” Sirius concluded, pulling in a gasp of breath, taking at least four times longer than usual to exhale, before finally, letting it slip. “I saw him kill my uncle in his study. I don’t know why, I don’t know what happened, I just heard voices at like five in the morning and I came downstairs, and there was yelling, and then there was a flash of green light from the doorway, and that was… that was  _ it _ . He fucking… everyone thinks my uncle’s just fucking  _ run off _ , like he’s some fucking coward or something, and I can’t… I don’t know if I can take that much more.”

“Fuck.” Really that was all Remus could say, but of course the only thing Sirius could expect of him, because that was the thing really, Sirius couldn’t possibly ever expect that Remus could really say  _ anything _ in response, and that was perhaps why’d he put it off: to avoid the awkward silence, and to avoid the questions that followed, to avoid it  _ all _ .

“That’s the  _ thing _ , isn’t it?” Remus finally pulled himself together to the point where he was at all emotionally prepared to ask any form of properly constructed question. “You told Lily? Fuck, does everybody seriously tell her all of their secrets?”

Sirius let out a sigh, shaking his head, “she guessed. You know what she’s like.”

Remus nodded, finding a million questions just on the tip of his tongue, but deciding that it was better just to hold back for a moment, letting the world tick by for a while. “She’s clever.” He added in response to Sirius, although his words seemed to have long passed the both of them by.

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, “she is.

In the silence that followed, Sirius moved slowly towards Remus, leaning back into him and resting his shoulders against his legs - this was something that Remus had no idea how to feel about, but under the circumstances, just let it happen, and something about that felt good,  _ natural _ , like it was supposed to be.

Remus found himself looking back over their conversation, wondering quite how they’d gotten to this: so quiet and calm when the truth had finally come out, even with how terrible the truth really was, and even how it felt like it should change everything for the worse, Remus could only feel like things could only get better from this point. Maybe it was a pathetic kind of default optimism within him. Or maybe just the weed. Thinking about it, it was probably the weed.

“You should tell him, you know?” It was a good ten minutes or so until Remus opened his mouth again.

Sirius had been seconds away from falling asleep against Remus, and jerked up slightly. “Y-yeah…” He gave a nod, “I should. I don’t  _ have _ to, but I should.”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded, watching as Sirius closed his eyes again. He swore he saw Sirius lean further into him and let out a sigh, but then again, he reckoned that was probably just the weed.

-


	11. A Gay Realisation

It’s never enough. Never enough for just the comfort of your own thoughts: crawling up inside your own skin. It’s never enough just to have yourself and the comfort in the solidity of that, because there’s no such thing as safety, there’s no such thing as happiness, not really, there’s just too little and too much. There’s just perspective, and there are just people with too much to say, determined to define your whole world in their eyes.

There’s no comfort in secrecy, in protection, in the cold window pane against your cheek at half past five in the morning, there’s nothing to be said in any of it - it’s just the story of the boy who saw too much and said too little, and let that continue to plague him two months down the line.

Sirius hadn’t managed to get any sleep that night. Technically, however, it wasn’t exactly morning yet - the sun was just yet to come up, the day was just yet to begin, and in that, opportunity still lay unclaimed, but it was growing closer to six than it was to five that morning, and the inevitable was just one of those things you had to accept.

Sirius reckoned that it should have bothered him somewhat, or at least more than it had, that maybe he should have felt something in everything around him, but there was only the cold air that fell over him like a blanket, and the warmth of Remus’ head in his lap - the boy who’d fallen asleep a few hours prior. Sirius had let him, despite the fact that Remus had insisted that he shouldn’t let him fall asleep on him, but Sirius didn’t ever think for a moment that Remus should be forced to wait up through the night with him.

The conversation they’d shared had been enough to keep Sirius’ mind occupied for hours, and perhaps that was all time was - a thing to occupy thoughts with, something to waste away in, something to let drown you out. And perhaps conversation was just an aid in that, because perhaps the longer he thought about it, the more meaning he struggled to find in anything. Perhaps it was just up to him to put the meaning into place, to make the world around him matter, turn lifeless dolls into breathing, living people with thoughts and desires, and not just get lost up in it all. It was just that in the world around him, and the worries upon his mind there was nothing but discomfort and anxiety.

Meaning lay in the people he cared for and the decisions he made, and there was no avoiding some decisions, because it was perhaps only in the emptiest, earliest hours of the morning, that inevitability finally had the chance to come crashing down on you like a great tidal wave, tsunami, or something like that. The inevitability at hand related to the matter that always lay at the back of his mind, in the matter of his uncle and his father, and how Regulus lay, likely asleep, in the dungeons of the castle, unknowing, innocent in all of this.

Perhaps he did deserve such innocence, as the younger brother, as the one who had the luxury of hiding away from it all for just a little while longer, but Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if such innocence was any sort of good thing at all. And of course, if he should respect that innocence when the rest of the world seemed in no such hurry to do the same. Perhaps it was just the thing to do, perhaps it was the only thing to do, and in all honesty, Sirius imagined that Regulus would be angry that he hadn’t told him until then.

Sirius was just  _ scared _ . Scared of consequence, scared of outcome, scared of what becomes of everyone, scared of the end. Scared of how Regulus was always so much more confident than he was, and how in that, it was much more likely that he’d come to take some form of action, because although, Sirius was the Gryffindor, he was the Gryffindor who’d hidden away inside his own pride for the past few months.

Perhaps it would be for the best, perhaps people should know, perhaps something ought to come of it, and perhaps Regulus might know what to do, but there was just no way around the fact that he was thirteen years old. Mature for thirteen, but thirteen nonetheless. But thirteen only getting older, as we all were, because time always made sure to tick down regardless of whether we wanted it to or not, and days would always become weeks, and weeks would always become months. And in time, two months, would become two years, as he continued to waste mornings away: mind off elsewhere in the mistakes of years passed, and how there was just so little he could do to rectify all of that now.§

It was in such a conclusion, that Sirius finally came to face the inevitable, just as the sun began to rear its golden head across the horizon, and the blanket of the dark skies become just that little less dark, and the world began to look just that little bit less formidable. He glanced down at Remus, still asleep, head in his lap, and spared a thought to contemplate telling Remus, consulting him about the whole thing before he left down the road to bad decisions, but he didn’t want to wake him, and it wasn’t like Remus hadn’t ushered him to tell Regulus just a few hours prior. It was unlikely that the morning would change that.

Sirius wondered if he wanted it to: took a moment to be honest with himself, especially when it came to Remus, who he couldn’t help but hold in such high regard. Sirius wondered if that was at all good for him, because in truth, it didn’t make much sense at all, because Remus was just  _ Remus _ , and yet that seemed to be enough. It was in that which he knew that if Remus told him not to go, he’d oblige without doubt, and that certainly didn’t help him avoid the fact that more than anything, he wanted Remus to tell him such, to make things easier, to make everything go away, but Remus didn’t actually possess all the power and answers to everything in the world, even if Sirius couldn’t keep himself from assuming that he did.

The skies were turning a brassy shade of orange when he moved Remus from his lap as he gently as he could, propping his head up against his jacket, and getting to his feet, watching for a moment as Remus stirred slightly in his sleep before settling once more. There was no getting rid of the part of himself that screamed for Remus to wake, to tell him to stay, to tell him how to handle everything, but as time dragged on, it became evident that things just weren’t going to play out like that this time around.

He eventually made his way back into the dormitory through the window, throwing a glance to James and Peter as he walked through the maze of clutter that took what seemed to be a rather permanent residence upon the floor. The two were, of course, fast asleep, because neither James Potter nor Peter Pettigrew were the kind of people to get out of bed before they had to for anything. Well, almost anything - Sirius reckoned that James would probably make an exception when it came to Lily, or Quidditch, and Peter would probably make an exception if it came to James yelling loudly and dragging him out of bed because he himself had already gotten up due to either Lily or Quidditch.

There was a part of Sirius that wanted to carry Remus back inside and into his bed, but he knew that there was absolutely no way that he was going to go about that without causing serious injury to at least one of them. For a start, Remus was something close to twice his size now, not that Sirius was going to consider ever admitting it, and there was just also the fact that the window to the balcony wasn’t the easiest thing to get through, even on your own, let alone while carrying a sleeping friend in your arms.

He did feel sorry for leaving him outside, though, and he couldn’t help but worry what would happen if he woke up without him, if any of them woke up and began to wonder if he’d managed to kill himself accidentally in the space of a few hours or something, but with that, Sirius just assured to himself that he’d make it back before the others even dared getting out of bed.

The walk out of the common room and across the castle was relatively uneventful; the hour was far too early for there to be much in the way of life throughout the castle, and for what Sirius was sure was the first time since the start of the school year, the common room had actually been empty. He could feel the grasp of winter’s outstretched hand in the early morning, in the cold against the stone walls, and the slightly frosted windows, and in the way that the leaves already seemed rather eager to fall from the trees. It had been an early Autumn, and he reckoned it’d be an early Winter too. 

Sirius had to conclude that Winter was his favourite season, for Winter was Christmases spent at Hogwarts, spent with his friends, in the snow, snowball fights, and running away from the prefects James liked aiming at, and running away from Lily Evans when James embarrassed himself in front of her, and then dealing with James mourning the loss of his ‘love life’ for the two weeks that Lily spent at home with her family. Sirius always stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas, and his friends definitely made an effort to join him in that, but it wasn’t always possible for them to, because they did of course have families that cared about coming home to, unlike Sirius.

Winter was also the furthest away from Summer, and Summer was six weeks stuck with his family, stuck in that house, locked away from everything and everyone he cared about. And, of course, Summer, August in fact, was when it had happened.

It was when Sirius made his way to the entrance of the dungeons that he came to consider the matter of actually getting inside the Slytherin common room, and speaking to his brother, which was somehow something he’d managed to neglect considering amidst everything else. However, as he reached the entrance, he found himself just a little surprised to see an equally sleep deprived looking Marlene McKinnon leant back against the wall to his right.

She didn’t appear to notice him at first, but as he approached with footsteps echoing loudly against the stone floor, her head jerked up rather suddenly, as if she had been just seconds away from sleep, and she shot him a questioning look, as if the idea that he’d be down here at this time in the morning was just utterly preposterous, and as if, she wasn’t in exactly the same situation as he was.

“What?” Sirius retorted, leaning back against the opposite wall of the rather narrow corridor, and taking in her appearance, hoping that she might be able to help him see his brother, because there had to be a reason that she was stood out here - maybe waiting for someone, or something. “What are you doing here?”

She gave a sigh: evidently agitated, and it became rather apparent that telling Sirius just exactly what was going through her mind was perhaps the last thing she found herself at all inclined to do in that moment. Eventually, however, Marlene gave in, tucking her hair behind her ears and meeting him with a much more inquisitive kind of look. “Waiting for someone, what about you?”

“I need to talk to my brother.” Sirius reckoned that the truth couldn’t hurt too much, at least the shortened version of it. “Who are you waiting for?” He chose to hit her straight back with another question before she could do the same to him.

“Does it matter?” Marlene seemed very eager to prove that she’d like anything less in the world that to actually talk to Sirius Black right now. “Not really.” She finished for him, fearing for a moment that he’d come up with some sort of insanely clever kind of snappy answer in the space of a few seconds.

It was only as Marlene found herself entirely content in keeping Sirius out of her business that the door to the Slytherin common room opened, and Narcissa Black appeared from the inside, glancing first at Marlene and giving her a nod, before following Marlene’s gaze to Sirius, who stood very confused as to just what Marlene McKinnon was doing with his cousin, Narcissa, at coming close to six in the morning.

“What are you doing here?” Narcissa shot him the ‘I’m older and better than you’ look that she seemed to have practised to perfection, and really, Sirius couldn’t deny that she had a certain knack for it. 

Sirius gave a sigh, stepping away from the wall to meet Narcissa, glancing momentarily passed her into the common room, finding that it was deserted. “I need to talk to Regulus.” He shot her what he hoped was an at all persuasive kind of look. “It’s  _ important _ .”

Narcissa raised her eyebrows, “how important?” She glanced across at Marlene for her input on the situation, as Narcissa found herself to be largely unconvinced.

“How important does something have to be that I come looking for him this early?” Sirius held what was undeniably a very good point, yet, of course, Narcissa didn’t seem much in the way of inclined to help him. “Look, if you just get him for me so I can just talk to him about something that’s  _ really _ important, I won’t even bother asking what you two are doing this early in the morning, and in fact I won’t even mention it again.”

Narcissa bit her lip, “and if I didn’t let you see him, you’d mention it? To whom?”

Sirius shrugged, biting away a smile as he couldn’t help but feel like he was beginning to win here. “Everyone, anyone. Gryffindors, Slytherins-”

“Just get Regulus.” Marlene interrupted him, however ignoring him entirely in favour of Narcissa. “Just bring him down and they can go talk elsewhere and we can… we can get on with it.”

Sirius couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at the mention of ‘it’, but he pushed back his natural curiosity for the time being, wondering if he might manage to take the matter back up with Marlene at a later date. “Yeah, see, come on, Narcissa, you know you want to.”

Narcissa rolled her eyes, muttering a quick, “fine,” before momentarily returning to the dungeons to drag Regulus Black out of bed at six in the morning on a Saturday.

-

Regulus couldn’t deny that he was a little startled after being dragged out of bed by Narcissa Black and practically thrown out of the common room into the face of his older brother, who to some extent, looked just as uncomfortable with the situation as he did.

Sirius had continued to give him very little in the way of an explanation as he led him out of the winding corridors of the castle: darkened slightly in the early hour, and out into the grounds of the castle. He’d only offered Regulus a rather stubborn demand for them to talk as he set off through the grounds at quite the pace, leaving Regulus to struggle to keep up with him, just as he wondered exactly what it was that had him in such a state.

He hadn’t quite fully woken up as of yet, but Regulus found himself slowly beginning to get a grasp of the situation, however there was no haste made in it becoming plainly obvious that there was definitely  _ something _ wrong here. Not just something that had crossed Sirius’ mind, but something that had been hidden away to brew at the back of it for quite the time now, and Regulus couldn’t help but regard what was to come of this all with just the slightest hint of fear.

There wasn’t a doubt in Regulus’ mind, because although he didn’t see too much of his brother, that didn’t deny the fact that Sirius was his  _ brother _ , and that meant something - that meant that he knew the stories behind the slightest contortions of expression upon his face, and that Sirius couldn’t just walk away from this conversation now. Although, Regulus very much doubted that such a thing was something that Sirius even found himself considering; Regulus was unable to pinpoint just what it was exactly, but there was definitely something that had sparked a sudden determination in Sirius.

The older of the two brothers eventually came to a stop at a tree a decent distance from the castle, and with a decent amount of leaves to shelter them from view. Regulus, who had fallen behind Sirius’ fast paced half walk half sprint, continued in a rather relaxed pace to the tree as Sirius grew impatient, kicking at the dirt, glaring across at him, and eventually taking a seat at the foot of the tree, pulling his legs up to his chest.

“You took your time.” Sirius muttered once Regulus came into earshot. The younger brother found himself very much inclined to argue with him on that, but after a moment’s thought he came to accept that it really just wasn’t worth it, and sat down beside his brother without a word.

Thankfully, Sirius didn’t seem to be in the mood just to start a petty argument between the two of them, as he often seemed to be, which Regulus couldn’t help but be grateful for, because he recognised already, whatever this conversation was about, it was a whole new kind of important.

The pair found themselves sitting in silence for the few minutes that followed: Regulus, unsure how to begin, and even less certain that it was his task to start the conversation when it had been Sirius who’d come and fetched him before it was even six in the morning, and Sirius, unsure what was the best way to approach the subject of their father murdering their uncle with his thirteen year old brother. It was in that train of thought that Sirius found himself suddenly so very tempted just to get up and leave, just to allow this all to rot away at the back of his mind a while longer, because maybe it felt like something he could handle, but of course, the more he thought about it, the more he was certain that it wasn’t.

Eventually, Sirius came to break the silence solely for the purpose of alleviating the awkward tension that seemed to have frosted over between the two of them. He couldn’t blame Regulus for growing impatient with this all, with him, who’d been so eager to get down to the grounds, to somewhere the two could talk in private, but he just couldn’t  _ say _ it. That wasn’t how people did these kinds of things, you didn’t just  _ burst _ out with it like it was nothing, because no matter which way you looked at this, it could never just be  _ nothing _ .

Sirius was sure that this was the kind of thing that Lily would be good at - not only was she just a nice and considerate person, but she’d also had to go through the process of attempting to gently let down James Potter a good thousand times by now, but as much as he wanted her help, he had to accept that Regulus was his brother, Alphard had been his uncle, his father was  _ his _ father, and this was very much his problem. It was Regulus, however, who could share it, and it was perhaps solely that which motivated Sirius to push through the dry sensation in the back of his throat and force something out of his mouth.

“Something really bad happened in August. It wasn’t something that I was supposed to see but I saw it anyway, and it’s been bothering me all the time since, and I didn’t tell anyone for so long that it almost drove me insane, but then I eventually told two people.” He drew breath, feeling his insides seizing up somewhat, as if his body wanted to physically abstain him from speaking the words aloud. “And, it’s something that you deserve to know. I should have told you first. I should have told you when it first happened, but I’m scared…” He trailed off, focusing on just the matter of his own breathing for a few moments before continuing, “it’s just… it’s so… honestly, I don’t know what to do.”

“What was it?” Regulus insisted, Sirius finding himself unable to avoid the sense of urgency in his voice, because the fact of the matter rather plainly was, that the urgency was just so very much more than warranted. “You can trust me, you know that?” He turned to Sirius, despite Sirius’ apparent wish to look  _ anywhere _ but at his brother. “I’m your  _ brother _ .”

“Yeah…” Sirius trailed off, stretching slightly, and leaning back against the tree, “I’ve kind of gathered that by now.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, not finding it within himself to appreciate his brother’s rather lacklustre sense of humour in the light of the moment at hand. “Come on, you’ve got that look on your face like it’s important, like it’s eating you up inside, you’ve got to just  _ say _ it.”

“I  _ can’t _ though.” Sirius choked up slightly, wanting anything in the world more than to end up crying in front of his fucking  _ Slytherin _ little brother. He doubted that Regulus would care all that much, especially considering the situation at hand, but he couldn’t help but worry, because that was perhaps all his thoughts came down to - worries and regrets.

Regulus grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling his face up to meet his own, and looking him straight in the eyes, before, rather bluntly uttering, “that’s  _ bullshit _ .” He pulled his hand away, watching the way Sirius seemed to be so internally conflicted by this all. “Come on,” he offered what he could only wish was helpful, “you know, deep down, that you  _ should _ tell me.”

“Yeah.” Sirius bit his lip, “I’m just not sure  _ how _ -”

“How?” Regulus scoffed, cutting him off, “Sirius just tell me what happened, just  _ say _ it, I don’t care how bad it is, I don’t care what it is, I need to  _ know _ , and it’s the easiest way to get to me to know, isn’t it?”

Sirius had to admit that Regulus had a point, and not only that, but that he was entirely right in all he was saying, but that did nothing to remedy the way his heart seemed to stall in his chest at the prospect of speaking it aloud. He knew, however, that it was his father that wanted it to remain secret, it was his father that wanted to get away with it, and that in fact, the longer he remained silent, the more his father did so, and if there was anything that Sirius knew, it was that he hated his father.

“Our dad…” Sirius trailed off, grimacing at the way the words felt on his tongue, “that’s not right, he doesn’t feel like my fucking  _ dad _ , he’s not-”

“Sirius,” Regulus reached out, placing his hand against his brother’s shoulder once more, “that doesn’t matter, I know he’s a bit of a dickhead, but-”

“A bit?” Sirius scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief, and with the anger fuelled from that, he seemed to break a little, and the walls inside of him seemed to follow suit, and before he even knew exactly what was happening, the words were tumbling from his lips. “He fucking killed Uncle Alphard. He fucking  _ killed _ him, one morning in August. Avadra Kedavra, green flash, and then nothing, and then him lying to cover it up, and everyone believing him.”

Regulus was silent for quite the time after that, and as much as it left Sirius on edge, he had to accept that it wasn’t like he was really expecting his thirteen year old brother to have a whole speech prepared in response to Sirius telling him the truth about their uncle. Sirius, himself, didn’t even have a whole speech prepared, and in all honesty, even after two months, he still wasn’t fully able to comprehend the entirety of the situation.

“Why?” He finally choked out, gaze fixated upon the ground, whole body trembling slightly, because there was no way around the fact that despite everything he just didn’t want to accept it as the truth, but he knew from the look on Sirius’ face that it wasn’t anything but that.

It was that which really hit Sirius, because still, in this all, he wasn’t all that sure himself, but ‘I don’t know’ just didn’t at all seem like something he could just rattle off to his younger brother, and leave him to deal with it, leave him to sort it all out, figure out his own idea of things.

“They were talking about me.” Sirius came to gave him as much detail as he was able. “Before he…  _ did it _ … I overheard them talking, I couldn’t really get an idea of what exactly they were saying, but it was about me, and Alphard disagreed with him, and then they started to get angry with each other, and then eventually… he just… just-” Sirius cut himself off, words slipping back down his throat and into the pit of his stomach.

“Killed him.” Regulus finished for him: voice bitter, spiteful - the kind of angry that they needed. It was the kind of anger that had the dull grey of his eyes burning a bright, icy shade. “That’s what he did.” Regulus’ voice grew louder, and in turn, just that little bit more unsteady, as if he was about to snap and doing something rash, and Sirius just wasn’t sure that he was in much of the position to stop him at all. “Don’t be afraid to say it. Don’t let him hide it.”

“Killed him.” Sirius repeated, his tone, however, was far less vindictive than his brother’s had been.

“We need to do something about this.” Regulus continued, an odd kind of determination in his voice that left Sirius wondering just how things would have been if it had not been him, but his brother that had caught a glimpse of that flash of green from his father’s study that one night.

“And what exactly  _ can _ we do?” Sirius gave a sigh, looking up at his brother in defeat, “ _ nothing _ , come on, look at things realistically. It’s not like we can confront him ourselves, like fuck will he give a shit? He’s got a lot of power and that counts for a hell of a lot more than honesty does.

Regulus’ face fell into a grin, “you’re not thinking about things properly. There are people, there is someone who needs to know. It’s like you’re oblivious to everything going on, honestly.”

“And what kind of someone could that be?” Sirius’ face made no secret of his innate skepticism.

Regulus, however, gave no haste or dismay in his response. “Narcissa.” He shook his head at Sirius, “don’t tell me that you seriously haven’t caught onto what she’s doing around here?”

-

“What were you doing with him?” Narcissa found herself to be perhaps  _ excessively _ agitated by the whole situation, and in no rush to hide that. “Did he follow you here or something? Because, you  _ know _ , that we can’t just let people  _ see _ , because then it’s going to get back-”

“To Malfoy, I know.” Marlene let out a sigh, growing tired of Narcissa’s persistent questioning as she followed her into the Slytherin common room. “And no,” she continued, closing the door back behind them, “he didn’t follow me, and no, I wasn’t doing anything with him.”

“Then how come he ended up waiting outside with you?” Narcissa seemed thoroughly unconvinced with Marlene’s explanation, even though, it actually was the truth.

“Do you think that it’s really so unlikely that he’d come to talk to his brother of his own accord?” Marlene shot her a questioning look, feeling that Narcissa was definitely becoming overly suspicious of everything, but that with the situation at hand, it was perhaps something she couldn’t help all that much. “It’s nothing, I promise you.”

“Just seems unlikely, that’s all.” Narcissa shrugged, accepting that something within it all just didn’t sit right in her heart, but knowing that Marlene just wasn’t the kind of person to lie to her, and Narcissa liked to pride herself on being a good judge of character.

“The same kind of unlikely as us working together?” Marlene raised an eyebrow, gesturing between Narcissa and herself. “Unlikely doesn’t mean the same as impossible.” Narcissa gave her a nod in response, forcing herself to accept Marlene’s words as the truth. “Anyway, haven’t we got something to do?”

“Yeah.” Narcissa nodded, glancing behind her at the clock hung on the wall of the common room. It was unnecessarily oversized, grandfather style, with silver trim, and intricate detailing, and upon its face, displaying just past six o’ clock. “He’s wasted valuable time now.”

“Wouldn’t have wasted that much if you’d have woken up on time.” Marlene shot her a look, not entirely too fussed by the matter, because really, the past was past and there wasn’t much they could do to change it. “Just saying.”

“Wouldn’t waste much more if you’d shut up.” Narcissa retorted, turning away from Marlene and making her way down the corridor to the dormitories. Marlene hesitated, looking around for a moment, before following her up.

“What would happen if someone saw me?” Marlene found her thoughts fading into conversation as she glanced rather nervously across the walls. The portraits followed her with a vindictive kind of look in their eyes, recognising immediately that she just wasn’t supposed to be here, and in some regard, was the ‘enemy’.

“Let’s not find out.” Narcissa suggested, voice hushed, “start by keeping your voice down.” Marlene wanted to argue back, but she had to admit that Narcissa did actually have a point in that.

The two came to a stop a little way down a corridor that forked off from the original one. Narcissa took a step towards the wall, leaning back against it, stretching one finger out at the door opposite. “You keep watch.” she instructed, voice barely audible but still echoing uncomfortably against the stone walls of the corridors. Really, Marlene couldn’t help but notice just how less appealing the Slytherin dormitories were in comparison to the Gryffindor ones, well, in her eyes, at least.

“So, I’m just supposed to stand here and do nothing?” Marlene found herself rather dissatisfied with the plan that Narcissa had formed very much on her own.

“Yeah.” Narcissa gave her a nod, not at all in the position to have an argument just outside of Malfoy’s dormitory door. They could have the argument, later, outside, whenever, just not now. “It wasn’t like you had to come, was it? I didn’t even offer, but you insisted.”

“Because we’re in this  _ together _ .” Marlene stressed, wanting to win this little argument, but found herself very conscious of the uncomfortably close proximity of the dormitory door, where a sleeping, hopefully still so, at least, Lucius Malfoy lay inside. “I swear it was my idea in the first place, to go in there and have a look around.”

“Yeah, well, it’s going to be a hell of a lot more awkward if he catches you in there as opposed to me, don’t you think?” Narcissa rolled her eyes, pushing the door open tentatively, and glancing inside, breathing a great sigh of relief when she found the room to be encased in darkness and with the four boys sleeping soundly in their beds. “Keep watch.” She turned back to Marlene before disappearing inside the dormitory.

Narcissa first made it across the room to Lucius’ bed, which was just a little harder than she had accounted for due to the general lack of light to see by. She was tempted to light up her wand, but she didn’t want to risk waking up any of the four boys, especially not Malfoy, because she could definitely deal with people like Crabbe with much less difficulty than she could Malfoy.

Once she reached his chest of drawers, she made very little haste in searching through them, searching for just a single thing to aid them in their investigation, because despite how little she wanted to admit it, there was just no way around the fact that everything had come to somewhat of a halt as of late. They’d come to a dead end, Malfoy had caught on to some extent, and had made an effort to keep everything much more on the down low, and both Marlene and Narcissa had depleted their own knowledge and ideas on the situation.

The first two drawers didn’t seem to hold much of interest, but as she opened the third one, there was a small box hidden away at the back that immediately caught her interest. The nature of the box was certainly intricate and valued enough to ensure that it held something of importance and not just spare bits of parchment. There was also the lock where it opened, and the apparent lack of a key.

Narcissa swallowed hard, scanning the drawer for any signs of the key, because of course, whatever could be in that box was useless without it, and as long as it held any form of value, she doubted that Malfoy would have left it defenseless to any form of unlocking spell.

As she came to turn over a stack of parchment to the right side of the door she almost jumped out of her skin, feeling the sudden presence of deathly cold fingertips against her shoulder.

It was one of those moments when you almost forget how to react, how to breathe, how to do anything, and you just remain frozen, praying that inevitability wouldn’t crash down on you in an unforgiving storm. Unfortunately, however, inevitability was titled as such for a reason.

“What exactly are you doing?” The voice was instantly recognisable, and that was perhaps what had made it a thousand times worse, because there was no doubt in Narcissa’s mind that the hand on her shoulder belonged to none other than Lucius Malfoy.

“I…” Narcissa gave a sigh in response, desperate to pull out any sort of excuse, but really there just wasn’t a single one for sneaking into his dormitory early in the morning to search through his drawers.

“You don’t have one.” Malfoy finished for her, pulling his hand away from her, and instead reaching around to push the drawer closed, averting her gaze from that box hidden inside. “So, it really doesn’t make a lot of sense for you to be in my room, searching through my drawers, does it?” His tone grew rather condescending as Narcissa turned to face him.

“No.” Narcissa really just didn’t have much of an idea as to what else to say. “It doesn’t.” She bit her lip, glancing past Malfoy to the door, wondering if he was going to just let her leave, or if he was going to drag her through a whole ordeal of shit before he could let that happen. As much as she hoped that it wasn’t, she suspected that it had to be the latter.

“Maybe you should explain to me just  _ exactly _ what led you here.” Lucius stepped away from her, sitting down on the end of his bed, and looking up at Narcissa rather expectantly.

Narcissa again rushed to conjure up just any form of excuse, but she simply couldn’t, and there just was a limited amount of time in which she could remain stood there, holding Malfoy’s gaze. “I don’t know.” It was perhaps worth a try, well, it really wasn’t, but she just didn’t have much else to say.

“What were you looking for?” Lucius continued, narrowing his gaze, his voice growing stern. “You obviously were looking for something. I know when you’re lying, I’m not an idiot like that Gryffindor bitch you’ve got waiting outside the door.”

Narcissa couldn’t help but gasp in response, glancing back across at the door. “How did you know-”

Malfoy let a smirk settle proudly over his face. “That’s the thing - I  _ didn’t _ .” He folded his arms across his chest. “I just suspected so, since you seem incapable of leaving her side, and really, it was you that told me for sure.”

“You-” Narcissa wasn’t quite sure what to say, and if the matter of hurling insults at him would really help her situation very much at all.

“Hope she’s alright out there, all on her own.” Malfoy gave her a rather unnerving look, “maybe you should get out there and rescue her before someone else finds her, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” Narcissa came to nod rather frantically, turning to make her way towards the door, but finding instead that Malfoy caught her by the hand, dragging her back to him.

“No, not like that.” He insisted, getting to his feet once more. “You’ve got to tell me first. I’m not letting you leave without the truth.”

Narcissa felt her insides turning to mush, and her brain looking to follow suit, because really, there was just so very little that she saw to do in the situation. Of course, she could just offer up the truth, but giving Malfoy what he wanted seemed to be the sole thing that she was trying to prevent.

“That box…” Malfoy trailed off, growing impatient with the silence, bored of nothingness and the sudden shyness in a girl that he had thought to be so  _ bold _ . “You wanted that, didn’t you?” He tore his gaze into hers until she eventually gave way to a slight nod. “Shame there’s no key, isn’t there?”

“Yeah.” Narcissa confirmed, as it was half of the truth, and really she just wanted to tell him what he wanted to here, and of course, just make it out of there before anything worse happened. “That’s it.”

“And what could you want with that?” Malfoy raised an eyebrow, seeming far less inclined to spell it all out for her this time around. “What could you  _ possibly _ want with that?”

“To know what’s inside.” She muttered, avoiding his gaze, and praying that he’d give up with the questioning sooner rather than later.

Malfoy nodded, “don’t we all?” There was a grunt from Crabbe in his bed at the other side of the room. “You should go now, don’t want anyone else to find you, do you?”

Narcissa did not need telling twice before she rushed out of the dormitory, grabbing Marlene without a single word of explanation and rushing her back out of the common room.

-

Sirius had only really been gone for thirty, perhaps forty, minutes, but the moment he made it up the common room stairs and through the dormitory door, the other three, none of which had been conscious when he’d left, looked at him as if he’d be gone for forty years.

“Where the fuck have you been?” James was the first to speak, putting it rather plainly, before rushing over to Sirius and pulling him into a hug, and generally acting as if they hadn’t seen one another in years, when really, James had been asleep longer than he’d been waiting for Sirius to return.

Peter and Remus were sat on the end of James’ bed, as James had been prior to Sirius’ entrance. The two looked just a little less worked up about it than James was, but Sirius found himself catching Remus’ gaze for a moment, and it told an entirely different story to that of his body language. Sirius did wonder if he should have told someone, but really, he hadn’t even expected them to be awake by the time he got back.

“Went to see Regulus.” He explained once James finally let him go, which really did take longer than Sirius would have liked. He could feel Remus’ eyes burning a hole into the side of his head, clearly have linked Sirius’ words back to their earlier conversation, but Sirius chose to deal with that later, perhaps holding James gaze too firmly as he awaited his response.

“This early?” James raised his eyebrows, and Sirius just couldn’t quite decipher as to whether he was unconvinced by Sirius’ explanation, or just having difficulty fathoming not just getting out of bed, but going and doing something productive that early in the morning.

Sirius nodded, stretching a little as he walked away from James and back to his own bed. “It’s important.” He offered in explanation as he sat down cross legged on top of his duvet, only then bothering to take his shoes off.

James glanced rather awkwardly across at Remus and Peter, unable to judge whether this was an awkward kind of situation, and if there was something going on there or not. He was also, unfortunately, unable to communicate that silently across the room to the two of them, and as result, found himself awfully stumped as to what to say in response. He did have plenty to say, but he just felt going off about some random nonsense if there was something going on with him.

Remus found himself far too preoccupied with the matter of brooding over the situation, tossing and turning it over in his head, as he wondered what possibly could have come of it. More than anything, he just wanted an opportunity to talk to Sirius alone, but there was something in his body language that suggested that facing the matter of actual conversation was perhaps the last thing Sirius wanted to do.

It was in this, that the responsibility fell to Peter, who was unprepared for most forms of responsibility, and this was certainly no exception. He resorted to sort of glancing uncomfortably across at Sirius, and then glancing around the room frantically for something to comment on. As was easy to guess, it didn’t return particularly astonishing results.

In the end, Sirius grew tired of the silence, looking across at the three of them, knowing that they wanted him to fill in the gaps for them, give them some form of explanation behind everything, but the fact of the matter was that Sirius just didn’t want to do that. They couldn’t, however, sit in silence until the end of time, and separately, all four of them recognised that, but it was only Sirius that accepted it to the extent that he resorted to taking any form of action in response.

“So…” He began, getting up from his bed, and taking his time in making his way across the room: unnecessarily outstretching the journey from his bed to James’, where the others were gathered. “I made it back alive, nothing’s gone wrong, I’m fine, would appreciate it if you stopped looking at me like I’m the only survivor of a shipwreck or something.”

“So,” Remus began, getting up and meeting Sirius’ gaze, “what happened? Because I want to know.”

“Yeah.” Peter added, nodding almost excessively. “I mean, what could possibly be that important that it means you have to wake up this early for it?”

Sirius shrugged, avoiding Remus’ gaze, and then Peter’s, and in turn finding his eyes meeting James’. However, for seemingly the first time in the history of the world, James was yet to add his own comment on the matter. “I don’t know.” Sirius continued, wondering if they’d ever just come to drop it, because he wasn’t sure how much more obvious he could make the fact that he just didn’t want to talk about it, at least not right now. “I didn’t wake up for it, I never slept.”

“What? Really?” Peter glanced between Sirius and James, almost as if he had a certain difficulty in believing it. Sirius nodded slowly, still rather apprehensive when it came to actually pulling his gaze away from James, however. “You should get some sleep, you know?”

“You need to.” Remus placed a hand on his shoulder, catching Sirius by surprise, which finally caused him to turn to face him. “You  _ need _ sleep.” Remus insisted, meeting his gaze with an uncomfortable amount of concern in his eyes.

“I’m fine.” Sirius insisted, brushing his hair back out of his face.

“You won’t be fine later.” Remus’ response was far too instant for Sirius’ liking. “You’ll feel like shit soon enough. You need to sleep, Sirius, and I don’t think there’s much point in staying awake, is there?”

Sirius shrugged, looking away and just taking a moment to think, because as much as he really wanted everything to go back to normal, he just didn’t see that happening in their current situation, and there was of course the fact that if he was asleep, they couldn’t possibly insist that he told them everything about what had happened.

“Yeah.” Sirius eventually gave a nod in Remus’ direction, stepping past him and towards his bed. “You’re right. I’ll get some sleep.” He sat down on his bed, glancing back up at the three of them, and flashing a rather half-hearted smile, “don’t you  _ dare _ wake me up.”

Normally the three of them would take that as a challenge, but this time around, there was little more than vague nods of agreement between the other three boys, who eventually just decided it was best if they made their way down to the common room.

-

Several hours later, come midday, Narcissa Black was on her way out of the Slytherin common room for lunch. She’d spent the previous few hours with her head fixated upon Lucius Malfoy and that drawer and the box he kept within it, and just what kind of sense she could possibly make of it. She hated to admit it, but there was little doubt in the fact that her recent endeavours had simply given her more unanswered questions as opposed to actual answers.

She’d expected to perhaps find some peace in some time away from the concerns of her own mind for a while or so, and of course, what she didn’t expect, was to be dragged off down a corridor before she even made it to the Great Hall.

Her heart was pounding in her chest at the prospect of it being Malfoy again, because she was certain that she’d dealt with far too much of him her whole life, let alone that day, she was however, surprised, but pleasantly to so, to find that it was instead, a rather nervous looking Regulus Black.

“Sorry if this is bothering you,” He began, glancing around awkwardly to ensure that no one could overhear them. “But, I don’t know, I just…” He took in gasp of breath, “I know how you’re kind of investigating things around here, and there’s something I should probably tell you.”

Narcissa glanced over him for a moment, giving him a nod, before asking, “is this what Sirius was looking for you about this morning?” He nodded in response. “Thought so.”

“It’s…” Regulus began, “uhh… kind of… not the easiest thing to say, and it’s just fucking with my head a bit, and I know you’re clever, you’d… you’d know what to do with it.”

“You should relax, you know?” Narcissa suggested, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “That’d make it easier to tell me, don’t you think? Come on, I’m your cousin, aren’t I? I mean, we don’t really speak much, like at all, but you can trust your family.”

Regulus’ eyes widened, “are you really saying that? Because if you know anything it’s that you certainly  _ can’t _ , and you are quite clever, I know that.”

She shrugged, nodding, “yeah, you’re right. I was just referring to this right now, you know what I mean, don’t you?” Regulus nodded in response, taking a moment just to breathe and think it through for a moment, before coming to explain the situation at hand.

“It’s about Uncle Alphard.” He met her eyes, swallowing hard, “he’s dead.”

“Oh…” Narcissa gave a gasp of breath, “well, I mean, that’s not… that’s really not the best thing to hear, but I guessed as much - they’ve been covering something up, I mean, he wouldn’t just abandon the family like that for no reason, would he?”

“Exactly.” Regulus nodded, breathing a little heavier. “He hasn’t. It’s my father that’s covering things up. Sirius saw them talking in August, and then they began to argue, and things escalated, and…” Regulus trailed off, pulling his gaze down to floor. “He killed him. My… father…” Regulus choked a little on his words, “something’s going on. They were arguing about something to do with Sirius, and what kind of disagreement ends in murder, that you desperately cover up and hide from everyone?”

Narcissa nodded slowly, not entirely surprised that his father could have been capable of such a thing, as it was likely that the majority of the Black family would happily volunteer themselves for such an opportunity, but there was no avoiding the fact that it was a severely unpleasant situation. “You think this is linked to…” She trailed off, unsure as to how much Regulus actually knew in regards to what was going on around Hogwarts.

“Malfoy?” Regulus prompted, raising his eyebrows. “I don’t know, but there’s definitely something odd going on with him, and there’s definitely something odd going on with my father, and it gets to a point where too many ‘odd’ things at one time just stop being coincidental.”

“It does.” Narcissa nodded, “it really does.”

She didn’t quite know entirely what she was supposed to think about the whole situation, but if there was one thing that she knew at that moment in time, it was that she had to get inside that box, regardless of how much Malfoy wanted to protect it.

-

Sirius found himself spending the early afternoon awake in bed, lying to himself about hiding away from the world, because in all honesty, the extra few hours of sleep had made very little difference at all - he still wanted anything more than he wanted to actually talk about things.

He was content at least in the knowledge that no one would bother him for a few hours now, and he could just say that he’d spent the day asleep, and they’d have to agree that he at least needed the sleep. Or at least, that was how Sirius had imagined things to be. However, as things had this awful habit of doing, they just didn’t turn out to be quite as he’d planned.

It was around two in the afternoon, and Sirius was sat up in bed, glancing at the Transfiguration essay that he’d neglected to even start, reminding himself of how it was due on Monday, and still, despite all of that, he really just couldn’t motivate himself to move, let alone actually  _ do  _ it. He was content in letting himself get away with this due to the fact that he actually hadn’t gotten any sleep, and this was the day he needed to just waste away in bed. He would have been fine to let himself neglect it regardless of the situation, of course, but that wasn’t the point.

However, the calm of the room and his own company was shattered far too soon as the dormitory door was pushed open, and Remus Lupin made his way inside, sitting down beside Sirius on the end of his bed without a word. After a moment or two, Sirius came to conclude that Remus was likely waiting for him to say something; the issue here, however, was the fact that Sirius just didn’t  _ want _ to say anything. Not yet anyway.

Eventually, Remus gave into the pressure of the silence: quickly growing uncomfortable under the weight of prolonged eye contact. “So you talked to him. How did it go?”

“Alright.” Sirius gave a nod,  brushing his hair back and away from his face. “I don’t…” He had intended to go for ‘want to talk about it’, but he was sure that Remus had already gathered as much. “I told him, and that’s just  _ that _ . It doesn’t feel like the be all or end all of fucking anything. It’s just-”

“One more person that knows a secret that your father shouldn’t be allowed to keep.” Remus finished for him, reaching out and pulling his fingers rather tightly around Sirius’ wrist. “It’s a good thing, and I’m proud of you.”

Sirius scoffed at the notion, certain that if he deserved anything, it wasn’t Remus’ congratulations. “It’s just…  _ talking _ , it’s nothing much.” He assured him, his heart fluttering as Remus’ grip around his wrist loosened, and he pulled his hand away from him. 

Sirius wasn’t quite sure what it was or how to describe it, but there was definitely something  _ there _ \- something in that touch. Something special, something that was a whole new kind of special, something that Sirius couldn’t have possibly imagined before, but something that he didn’t ever want to imagine life without.

“Talking is a lot.” Remus let out a sigh, “come on, I still don’t have the guts to tell James and Peter that I’m bi. I should do that - you should be pressuring me into doing that, since I’ve convinced you to talk to Regulus.”

Sirius flashed him a smile, blushing slightly, “that’s different though.”

Remus tilted his head slightly, meeting Sirius with a look of genuine curiosity. “How is it?”

Sirius shrugged. “Just is.” He looked up, meeting Remus’ gaze. “That’s your secret, and telling your own personal secrets to other people is different to telling our people’s secrets.”

“I guess.” Remus paused for a moment, looking for something else to say, because although Sirius had a point, it just didn’t sit right with him. “Shouldn’t be a secret, though. I don’t like that I feel like it has to be, but there’s just… I don’t know… I should tell them. You talked to Regulus so I should tell James and Peter - that’s only fair.”

Sirius nodded, “only if you  _ want _ to, though.” He caught Remus with a concerned kind of look that had Remus perhaps unnecessarily uncomfortable. “Doesn’t matter if it’s ‘fair’ or not. You shouldn’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“I am.” Remus insisted, moving closer to Sirius. “I am comfortable with it. I want to tell them. I’m just nervous, that’s all.”

Sirius nodded, unsure if Remus was being  _ entirely _ truthful in his words, but concluding that he really couldn’t be the judge of that, and in the end, if Remus was confident to tell other people, then that was a good thing, wasn’t it? “If you want to then, that’s good, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Remus lay back against the bed, stretching out and finding that he took up far too much space than he should have, but Sirius just didn’t seem all that fussed. “You sure you’re alright?” He glanced across at Sirius, not wanting to be an annoyance, but wanting to make sure.

“What?” Sirius scoffed, “did they send you up here to check that I hadn’t died in my sleep or something?”

“No.” Remus sat back up again, meeting Sirius’ eyes. “I came up here because I care about you, and I well I know what you went to Regulus about, and they don’t, so I wanted to know how that went.”

“I think you worry about me too much.” Sirius told him, holding Remus’ gaze so gently, almost as if his utmost fear was for it to break.

“I think  _ you _ worry about me too much.” Remus insisted, shaking his head slightly. “I don’t mind that much, though. It’s nice, don’t you think? It’s just because we care about each other.”

Sirius nodded, biting his lip, and stretching his legs out across the bed. “Remus,” he began, a minute or so later, receiving a nod from the other boy in response. “Can I ask you a question? Like about your sexuality?”

“Where was this when you blurted shit out randomly and loudly in public?” Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius, who couldn’t help but blush slightly as he shrugged. “Doesn’t matter, come on, ask away. I’m sure I’ve heard the worst already.”

“Is it different?” Sirius began, pulling his gaze away from Remus. “Like when you have a crush on a girl to a crush on a boy. Like does it feel different, and like how?”

Remus just looked at him for a moment, because he’d honestly been expecting Sirius to ask him what his ideal dick size would be, but this was a whole new kind of just… well… Remus found that he just hadn’t really thought about this before. 

“It does.” He nodded, thinking back, “I’ve never really, but… it  _ does _ . It’s like…” He trailed off, trying to focus on his feelings for a boy other than Sirius, because describe what it was like to be attracted to him in person was a line that Remus just wasn’t quite prepared to cross. “I mean, crushes are generally the same thing, but I like different things in girls and boys, it’s like the warm feeling in your chest, and you never want to be away from them, and it’s like the best feeling that you never want to end. Then with girls, it’s like… it feels more… I guess because it’s the heterosexual thing, it feels more relaxed and normal, my heart gets fluttery… fuck, I don’t really know how to put it into words.”

“What about with boys?” Sirius prompted for him to continue.

Remus sighed, leaning away from Sirius, “it sort of feels like it’s bigger, like the feeling in my chest when I’m around them is bigger, heavier, and I don’t know, I feel much more nervous, but it’s like this good feeling, it’s the best feeling, like the only feeling you want to feel anymore. With boys, at first it didn’t make sense to me what it was, because I’d never really considered feeling that way towards boys, but eventually it just  _ clicked _ .” Remus glanced up at Sirius. “I don’t know if I explained that very well, but, I tried my best.”

“No,” Sirius couldn’t help the way his voice shook slightly, “you explained it perfectly.” The proof was in the fact that for Sirius, everything had finally just  _ clicked _ .

That feeling that Remus had described was the very one that Sirius felt when he was around him, and suddenly Sirius felt so very small, and as if he was about to drown in the sudden onslaught of realisation.

-


	12. britain's left the eu but at least we have this chapter

“It’s alright for you. You’re pretty.” Marlene rolled her eyes at Narcissa, watching her pace up and down next to the wall in the courtyard that Marlene was sat on. They were rather out in the open, which seemed to go directly against everything they had stood for, with being so insistent to do things in secret, but they found that maybe that didn’t quite matter so much anymore.

It was an early Saturday afternoon, with the sun shining high up in the sky, and everything just about seemed perfect, despite the fact that they’d found themselves having managed to underestimate Malfoy severely. It was that, which had landed them in a rather uncomfortable situation, although Marlene did seem to be dealing with it just that little bit better.

Narcissa stopped in her tracks, turning to Marlene, with her eyes blown wide: growing red at the edges as the the very same shade of red filled her cheeks. “What are you…?” She trailed off, shaking her head. “What does that have to do with it? That literally has  _ nothing _ to do with it- and hey, it’s not like you aren’t pretty too.”

Marlene shrugged, watching as Narcissa sat down beside her on the wall. “He likes you more than he likes me, anyway, that’s my point. He’s got a motive not to completely destroy your entire life.” She paused for a moment, finding herself in thought. “Really, he has nothing but motive  _ to _ destroy my entire life. I mean, I’m a Gryffindor, for a start.”

“The only ‘motive’ he has is my family.” Narcissa shot her a blank kind of stare. “That doesn’t really mean much anymore. I do wonder how my family reputation might change the very moment everything does finally come out. I wonder how they’d handle that. It’s all… bullshit, really.”

Marlene’s face gave way to a half smile. “They’d probably be in a rush to marry you off. Get someone else’s name, save the family that way.” She added, jokingly, although Narcissa had to admit that there might be more truth to that than Marlene had originally imagined. “Imagine if you got married off to Malfoy.”

“Don’t.” Narcissa groaned, shaking her head in disgust at the prospect. “He’s  _ repulsive _ . I’m never letting that happen. I’m not getting married off to any kind of rich dickhead of a wizard.”

Marlene smiled, finding that the way she’d managed to change some of Narcissa’s opinions, over the course of their friendship, was nice to see. “Me neither. Not even married off. I’m not getting married end of.”

Narcissa raised her eyebrows. “Not even a nice rich wizard? Or a poor one. Middle class. Nice guy? Maybe even a muggle? Someone you love? I mean, you’ll meet someone eventually, won’t you?”

Marlene shook her head. “No. That’s the thing. Not going to meet and fall for any kind of guy. Because that’s thing… I’m kind of like… really gay.” She came to wonder if maybe she might regret coming to say that so offhandedly once Narcissa really came to take it in and react to just what it meant, but there was no way around the fact that there was very little she could do about that now.

“Oh…” Narcissa raised her eyebrows, finding that she wasn’t entirely sure what to make of… well… Marlene being really gay. She’d always felt that it was something her family and the people she’d found herself surrounded by had looked down on - kind of like poor people, kind of like muggles, maybe kind of even like Gryffindors, maybe Hufflepuffs, really. Despite that however, she really didn’t feel the need to turn her back on Marlene at all, because she was still one of her closest friends, and this really didn’t change anything at all.

“Yeah.” Marlene found herself speaking just to fill the silence eventually, a few minutes having passed by. Those minutes were spent by the two girls, sharing each other’s silence, and watching the small group of first years sat at the other end of the courtyard, and besides that, the general quiet and peaceful nature of it all. “I’m gay.”

“It’s fine, you know?” Narcissa began, finding that by now, regardless of how at a lack for words she really felt, she actually ought to say something at all.

“Course it’s fine.” Marlene spat, her tone growing just that little bit more bitter. “It doesn’t change me, it doesn’t count for shit, and you can sit there having your stuck up bigoted opinions about things as much as you want. I don’t  _ care _ . It’s who I am, and that’s not changing.”

“I’m not.” Narcissa interjected, voice very timid in comparison to Marlene’s. “I’m not having any kind of bigoted opinions about you at all. I mean, it’s just… it’s just who you are, isn’t it? You can’t help it. I mean, men are repulsive, I can’t blame you.”

Marlene’s lips curled up into a smile; it was a smile that quickly transgressed into an awkward kind of perhaps misplaced laugh.  “So, that’s alright with you then?”

Narcissa nodded. “Course it is. Now come on, it’s not like we can exactly abandon each other anymore either. Especially now that Malfoy’s decided that he can take the two of us down.”

Marlene grimaced at the notion of Lucius Malfoy - who could blame her? “It’s that box, isn’t it? It has to be. That’s what’s changed everything, that’s why he’s suddenly gotten all of his little ‘minions’ on our tail - it’s definitely linked to whatever’s in that box.”

“You’re right.” Narcissa added, pulling her bottom lip back between her teeth, as she spaced out for a moment, letting her mind drift off elsewhere in a quest to find just a few answers to fit with the millions of questions they dragged around between them.

“It’s not that box itself, however, and knowing that it’s linked to everything, but the matter of actually getting our hands on it.” Narcissa continued, turning back to Marlene. “He wasn’t willing to part with it at all, and I’m certain that he’s going to go and do anything  _ but _ make it easier for us.”

“Still.” Marlene shrugged. “We have to do. That doesn’t change shit. Malfoy’s not all he thinks he is.”

Narcissa was less determined than Marlene was, less optimistic, less hopeful, but still nowhere near backing down. “Maybe he is all he thinks he is. Maybe he is everything he’s been told, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean that we can just let him believe it. Regardless of circumstance, if anyone needs taking down a notch, it’s him.”

Marlene’s face fell into a smirk. “He’s hiding something - he has to be. And I bet you my entire life that it’s all so very messily entwined with the rest of this all.”

Narcissa nodded, giving way to a sigh. “There’s definitely more to this. Maybe so much more to this than we can even comprehend right now.”

“I’d hope that you’re wrong.” Marlene began, “but I’m not an idiot.”

“Yeah, you may be a Gryffindor, but you’re not an idiot.” Narcissa continued, her voice growing a little more light hearted as she flashed Marlene a smirk.

“ _ Hey _ .” Marlene looked up at Narcissa: finding herself to be very half heartedly offended, because beyond this all, Narcissa was so very lovely and so very beautiful, and she wished that maybe they didn’t have to come to know one another whilst they were caught up in all of this mess.

-

Remus had just been moments away closing in on twelve times now. He reckoned that it was getting something like really pathetic now, but to a degree, Sirius had been right - he had to take his time with this. After all, it wasn’t like he only had a pending amount of time left to be gay and come out to his best friends in.

He was just starting to get rather frustrated with himself, despite how much he’d tried not to, because once you’d passed the tenth occasions on which you’d found a quiet moment, found everything coming into place, besides the act of actually saying it - those two very important words: ‘I’m bisexual’, coming to a standstill at the back of his throat, and refusing to come anywhere close to his lips, let alone out of his mouth.

It was just nerves really. He knew that, but still it didn’t help with much at all. It had definitely been easier to come out to Lily, who’d pretty much gone as far as to take the words right out of his mouth for him, which had pretty much been exactly what he needed her to do. James and Peter were just that little bit less clued up about things than Lily was, and it had come to the point where Remus was practically just dropping hints, but still, they were yet to get anything out of it.

Sirius had eased up with the hitting Remus with a million sexuality related questions every minute, which was something that Remus had reckoned that he should have been glad for, but thinking about it, maybe it would have made things easier for him if Sirius had just slipped up and asked Remus what his ideal dick length would be right in front of James and Peter. On second thoughts, maybe that really wouldn’t be the best way to come out, especially considering the kind of questions that Sirius had already come up with.

He wondered if Sirius was getting impatient with him too, because although he had assured Remus that he just need to take his time with this, Remus felt that they just both knew that he needed to pull himself together and deal with things as they were. He’d get to it eventually, as he kept telling himself - the thing was however, that eventually just seemed to have this awful habit of continuously dragging itself on and on without much regard for anything else in the world.

The Saturday afternoon had dragged on: the sun falling in the sky much earlier as the year dragged on, and they found themselves only falling deeper and deeper into October. It was as time progressed that Remus found himself so incredibly conscious of his lovely little monthly werewolf surprise, that was very little more than a week away again. He felt like each month, the time between each full moon, was only perpetually growing shorter. Perhaps dealing with his sexuality and coming out to his best friends was the last thing he needed to think about with the moon not so far ahead of him anymore, or perhaps that just meant that he had to get it out of the way before things only got worse.

He wasn’t too sure which of his feelings were legitimate and which just served as excuses anymore, and it was with that which he felt all the more reason to get it out of him, let himself have some peace for once, because really, it wasn’t like it was ever going to cause so much fuss at all, it was just how he’d ended up building everything up in his head.

It was how twelve times had so easily become thirteen as the hands on the clock danced close to four, and how Sirius seemed to shoot him a knowing look by this point. It wasn’t a condescending kind of stare, just sort of sympathetic, awkward executed at times, yes, but he meant well.

Really, it had gotten to the point where Remus was beginning to kid himself that Sirius was actually starting to understand where he was coming from with all of this, but really, the absolute last thing he needed was to end up getting himself caught up in a horrible kind of crush on Sirius again. The thing was, however, he was worried that it had already begun to happen, and that there was suddenly so very little he could do to help himself anymore.

They’d ended up playing exploding snap. It had been James’ idea, as most things tended to be, and especially in that case, as James seemed to be the only one of the four who wasn’t in a half vegetative state that Saturday. It had quite a lot to do with the late night they’d had before, which was less so of James’  _ idea _ , but still definitely his fault.

“Come on…” James rolled over onto his back, gazing up at the ceiling only momentarily, before he turned his head to face the other three. “What  _ is _ up with you? I mean, it’s a Saturday, we’ve not got any homework to worry about for once, we’ve not got anything to worry about, we should be doing something more fun than this.”

Peter gave a shrug in response: innately hesitant to directly disagree with James. “I guess. I mean…” He trailed off, glancing across at Remus and Sirius, as if for their approval. “I don’t really know what we’d do. I wouldn’t mind doing something else, but I’m alright right now… I mean… I’d quite like to just go to bed. None of us got much sleep.”

James sat back up again, accidentally knocking over a stack of cards with his foot. “So?” The lack of sleep didn’t seem to faze him, and Remus had come to note that a lack of sleep never really did seem to faze James all that much. This was something he couldn’t help but extremely jealous of.

“So?” Sirius mimicked, rubbing his eyes before brushing his hair back out of his face: it was getting even longer now, perhaps to the point where it was getting annoying at times, but he knew that his long hair was something his mother came close to despising, and really he couldn’t help but live to disappoint his parents. “We’re tired.” He shot James a look.

“How old are you? Eighty?” James scoffed at him, glancing towards Remus, in the hope that he might be on his side in all of this, but of course, Remus was easily the most tired of the three of them. That was obvious even to Peter, who didn’t know half the reason why.

“I’m tired.” Remus found James’ gaze on him: shooting him an insistent kind of half glance half glare. “I’ve got a lot going on.”

“Like what?” James, of course, had to push further than he needed to. Remus could see Sirius rolling his eyes at James out of the corner of his eye; he couldn’t help but smile.

“Full moon isn’t far.” Remus gave a shrug, leaning back onto the dormitory floor. “That’s always  _ lovely _ to think about. Then I’ve got other shit to worry about as well, so that’s even  _ lovelier _ .”

“Oh.” James gave an awkward kind of nod, like he didn’t know quite what to so, or he did, but knew there were a good hundred reasons why he shouldn’t say what was on his mind.

“Haven’t we…” Sirius trailed off, glancing between Peter and James for a moment before continuing. “We  _ have _ . James, haven’t we got that match with Hufflepuff coming up? Aren’t you supposed to be even  _ slightly _ worried, or if not that, concerned about that?”

“No.” James shrugged it off, looking up at Sirius like he was ridiculous for even suggesting that he might be. “We’re going to win.” He was perhaps over confident - more so than usual. “Course we’re going to win - it’s  _ Hufflepuff _ .”

“Nobody ever said that they were bad at Quidditch.” Peter offered up what was a very good point, although, in truth, he had very little idea as to whether they were or were not. He doubted that mattered so much at the moment.

“Yeah, but we’re good. We’re  _ really _ good.” James grinned at the others. “We’re excellent. We’re  _ going _ to win.” He insisted, raising his voice as he spoke.

“And how do you know that?” Sirius asked, finding that, being on the Gryffindor team, he was very confident in their ability as a team, and didn’t really want to highlight the possibly of Hufflepuff beating them, but still, James was being a bit of a dick about things.

“I do.” James shrugged it off, talking like it was all so obvious to him. “I know things like that. Come on, I know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, mate, I get that you know quidditch, but this is… this is more about Hufflepuff on a whole-” Sirius began, but found that James had interrupted him before he quite had the chance to finish his sentence.

“Not just talking about quidditch. I know a lot of things. I know what I’m talking about.” There was just something about the smirk that had settled onto James’ face that just commanded being wiped off: it was overly smug, coming close to irritatingly so.

“Do you?” Remus leaned forward, determined to get James to shut up. “Do you really know everything?” He didn’t gave James time enough to respond in. “Because I know that isn’t true. For a start, how much do you reckon you know about me? I don’t know, what do you think? Because, I’m bisexual, that’s a pretty big part of me, don’t you think? Did you know about that?”

Somehow, Remus had only really become properly conscious of just what he’d said  _ after _ he’d said it. Then, suddenly, everything was crashing down on him, and his insides seemed to melt into mush inside him.

The silence that followed seemed eternal - James sat there, eyes wide in a weird kind of disbelief, and Remus found that he really didn’t know what to say at all for likely the first time in his life. Peter held a relatively similar look on his face, he just seemed to be less so affected by it.

It was Sirius who was the one to start up the conversation - the one hanging precariously off the tips of everyone’s tongue, but the one that they were just so terrified to let go of. “So… well… really wasn’t how I expected you to do it, Moony, but whatever floats your boat.”

Remus found his cheeks heating up, glancing across at Sirius and rolling his eyes. “I didn’t… really… think about that… at all.” He let out a sigh, not quite daring to take his eyes off Sirius and face the other too.

“I can tell.” Sirius smiled at him, finding that there was just this horrible tingly feeling starting up inside of him again.

“Wait…” James moved closer to the two of them. “Did you?” He glanced between Remus and Sirius for a moment. “Did you know about this?” He looked at Sirius accusingly.

“Uhh…” Sirius glanced between James and Remus. “Yeah. I did-”

“Oh my  _ god _ .” James’ eyes widened. “Are you- are they…?” He turned back to Peter, almost as if for emotional support. “Are they…?”

“Oh my god.” Remus shook his head, hiding his head in his hands, catching the gist of what was just on the tip of James’ tongue. “No. No.  _ No _ . It’s not… James… it’s not.”

“Are you  _ sure _ ?” He glanced back at Peter, seemingly very unconvinced by Remus’ pleas. “It kind of does sound like you’re fucking? Would that be something I also don’t know.”

“Fucking hell.” Sirius let out a groan, feeling his face turn a lovely shade of bright red. “We’re not fucking, James. I’m…” He found that something inside him turned to mush as the next word attempted to slip through his lips. “ _ Straight _ .” There was something about the extraordinary amount of effort it had taken to say that made him suddenly so hesitant to believe it, and Sirius just didn’t know what to think about that at all.

“I think we would have noticed.” Peter added, coming close to blush as much as Sirius was. “I mean, we do sleep together. We would have noticed.” James seemed disheartened to let it go, but did so eventually.

“So that’s all you have to say?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “Whether Sirius and I are fucking. You don’t have anything to say about  _ me _ and my sexuality at all?”

James shrugged, looking to Sirius for help. “What would you want us to say? I mean, it doesn’t affect us at all. Who cares if you might have a boyfriend someday?”

Remus smiled in response. “I’ve already had a boyfriend, you know?”

James’ eyes widened momentarily, struggling to take that in so suddenly. “Are you  _ sure _ that it wasn’t Sirius?”

“Will you shut up?” Remus protested, but found that James was perhaps just anything besides inclined to listen to him.

“I mean… thinking about it… you and Sirius do have quite a bit of chemistry, and now that that’s on the table-”

Sirius groaned, cutting him off. “It’s not on the table. It’s not.”

“He’s  _ straight _ , remember.” Remus added, unable to stop the way that made him feel inside - the way that wasn’t good, and indeed the way he just couldn’t do anything about that at all.

-

In the end, James had come to accept that maybe he wasn’t quite so certain about everything. It was that - brought on by Remus’ coming out - that had lead him to turn to practice, maybe even a little more than he should, for the quidditch match they had against Hufflepuff. So in a weird way, Gryffindor might end up winning the house cup, and it might, to some level, be down to the fact that Remus liked dick a bit more than James had expected.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and it was raining. Admittedly, it wasn’t raining  _ badly _ , but it was raining nonetheless, and the conditions were anything but pleasant to stand outside in. Then again, Remus had to admit that it must be worse to be playing in this, but he found himself more so concerned with how he was being to physically shiver a little as he sat at the bottom of the stands with Peter.

James had told them that they should come watch and offer support and advice, which was a load of bullshit, because neither Remus nor Peter knew much of use about quidditch, never mind anything that James didn’t already know. Remus had agreed to do so - it was a decision he’d made based much more on Sirius than he’d ever care to admit - and Peter had followed him, not much fancying the idea of being up in their dormitory alone, even if it was warm up there.

“Do you think we’ll win?” Peter turned to him, having actually watched James trying to get the team to cooperate or even play decently in the weather, as opposed to Remus, who’d mostly been staring at Sirius. Remus had perhaps come to accept that maybe there wasn’t that much he could really do about the way he felt towards Sirius, and maybe he’d just have to let it come and sit around hoping that it would pass. That was the thing, after all: everything had to end, eventually.

Remus shrugged, focusing his attention onto the rest of the team for a moment. He cracked a smile at the way Marlene McKinnon seemed to go all out when it came to yelling at James when she thought he was wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have smiled - she did look pretty angry, and that was quickly becoming quite a lot of yelling, but the thing was that James was wrong a lot.

“I don’t know. I’m really not the expert.” Remus turned his attention to Peter, watching him stretch the sleeves of his jumper out to cover his hands; the both of them were cold, the both of them wanted to go back inside, but Remus was confident that doing so would result in James going on about treason and all that kind of bullshit for at least the next day and a half, and it had gotten to that time of the month where Remus kind of just had a constant headache, or was at least consistently in some state of pain.

“Hufflepuff can’t be that good.” Peter thought for a moment, trying to name one person from the Hufflepuff quidditch team, but finding that he really couldn’t do it. He wondered if that said more about Hufflepuff or more about him. “I mean, I know we’re nowhere near as life changingly fantastic as James says we are - don’t tell him I said that.” Peter shot him a serious look.

Remus broke into a smile, nodding. “You’re not wrong, Pete. I won’t.” He assured him, and Peter seemed to visibly calm a little, before continuing to speak.

“We still have to be better than Hufflepuff, though.” Peter nodded to himself, letting a smile fold over his lips as he had himself safely convinced of it. “I mean, I don’t really know the Hufflepuff team. Do you?” He turned to Remus, raising his eyebrows.

“Not really.” Remus admitted, wondering if James knew them very much at all.

“It’s one of those houses though - people only ever know Gryffindor and Slytherin. I’m glad I’m in Gryffindor. Thought I was going to end up in Hufflepuff, you know? Think my family wouldn’t have really liked that as much. The thoughtful, ‘loyal’ house.” Peter admitted, thinking back to the very first time he’d ever stepped inside of the Great Hall, and they’d all been sorted right there in front of everybody.

Remus smiled, coming to wonder if he’d much mind at all. “People do know the other two houses. I mean, what about Ravenclaw? Come on, you do know quite a few Ravenclaws, you’ve got to admit that.”

Peter shook his head. “Sitting next to some in Charms doesn’t count!” He insisted, somehow coming to be insistent when it came to making a point here. “I mean like… do you know anything about the Ravenclaw quidditch team - name someone on it.”

Remus’ face gave way to a distraught kind of grin; he couldn’t quite decide if he was proud or uncomfortable by the ordeal. What he did know, however, was that he was quite hesitant to proceed in saying anymore about it. “Zach Melvin’s their keeper.” He finally added, watching as Peter’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Who?” Peter didn’t seem all that convinced, despite the fact that it was the truth. “You could have just said any name.”

“No.” Remus insisted, meeting Peter with a certain look in his eyes. “He  _ is _ their keeper.”

“And you’d know this because?” Peter seemed to have taken far much more of an interest in Remus’ ‘knowledge’ of the Ravenclaw quidditch team than was necessary. “You’ve extensively studied the whole Ravenclaw quidditch team or something? That kind of sounds like a thing you’d do - you just haven’t gotten to Hufflepuff yet.” Peter smiled to himself: seeming quite content in his own version of events.

“No.” Remus let out a sigh, stretching back a little, even as the rain began to come down with a greater force. “Just because I shagged him.” It was again one of those things he hadn’t much thought about before saying.

“You  _ what _ ?” Peter seemed to choke on his own spit, and looked pretty close to having a seizure as they sat there together.

“Not the whole team.” Remus assured him, struggling not to burst into laughter. “Just him.”

“Still!” Peter insisted, voice going a little squeaky as he did so, which only aided the ‘humour’ of the situation. “You…  _ shagged _ him…”

“Zach.” Remus nodded at him. “Summer, end of fourth year. He’s a dickhead, though, we don’t talk anymore. I kind of hate him. A little bit. I don’t know, not really. I can’t hate him, really.”

“You can’t hate him but you can have  _ sex _ with him?” Peter exclaimed, almost as if he was Remus’ mother. Remus wasn’t sure what had left him to be so outraged by the whole situation, but if he had to pin it down to something, he reckoned he’d have to go with surprise.

“Yeah.” Remus let out a sigh, glancing back towards the quidditch pitch and grimacing. “Could you maybe not bring that up to James and Sirius?”

Peter nodded, following Remus’ gaze back onto the pitch. “James would definitely count fraternising with the enemy-  _ fucking _ the enemy, as treason.”

“How are Ravenclaws the enemy? How is  _ anyone _ the enemy?” Remus shook his head, letting out a sigh. “James is a bit of an idiot, isn’t he?”

Peter smiled, nodding. “A bit.” Really, he was more than a bit of an idiot. He was perhaps quite a lot of an idiot, but he did tend to mean well and that definitely counted for something.

“Yeah.” Remus agreed, kicking at the ground with his feet: watching the way the rain continued to fall around them, and he came to wonder if it might ever stop, or if James might ever decide that the rain was reason enough for them to go inside.

“I think we’ll win though.” Peter came to conclude: seeming much more confident in this conclusion than he tended to be with most things. “James doesn’t let himself lose - he’s a bit too stubborn for that, don’t you think? We’re going to win, and maybe at the match I might learn the names of someone of the Hufflepuff players.”

“You might.” Remus assured him, smiling as he came to picture them winning the match.

“And  _ you _ .” Peter’s lips curled up into a smirk. “You might take the Hufflepuff keeper for a snog around the back of the stands, knowing you.”

“I will not!” Remus’ eyes widened drastically as he called out in protest, feeling his cheeks heat up, as Peter practically fell over in a fit of laughter.

“You might.” He added, struggling to get the words out between his laughter.

“I will  _ not _ .” Remus repeated, burying his head in his hands, as the rain grew heavier: almost drowning out the sound of Peter’s laughter as it fell down around them.

-

“Does he always look like so much of a dickhead?” Lily rolled her eyes, finding that on this particular occasion, she too had been dragged down to watch the Gryffindor team practice for their match against Hufflepuff.

“Who?” Remus laughed, following her gaze out onto the pitch as they sat at the bottom of the stands with Peter. He was pleased to find that the weather had significantly improved since yesterday, and it was just about as warm and sunny as October was going to get.

“James.” She turned to face the two of them with a sigh. “I mean, who else?”

“He’s not the  _ only _ person that looks like a dickhead.” Peter found himself pointing out, and really, he wasn’t wrong, but that was hardly the point here.

“Still…” Lily trailed off, tucking her hair behind her eyes as she shrugged a little. “He’s definitely doing the best job of it.”

Remus nodded in agreement, because as much as he love James, Lily wasn’t at all wrong. “He’s only very passionate about quidditch, and us winning against Hufflepuff. Look at it this way, there’s a whole plethora of worse things he could look like a dickhead doing.”

Peter nodded in agreement, finding that he knew this from personal experience. “There definitely are.”

“What?” Lily cracked a smile. “Like staring at my tits?” She, too, spoke from personal experience.

Peter let out an involuntary gasp, trying his best not to stare at her tits, even though the conversation had lead them there. This was all far too amusing for Remus, especially as Lily added to it with a glare in Peter’s direction. “Sorry.” He let out a muffled apology.

“He does though.” She continued, turning her gaze back towards the quidditch pitch. “I mean, it’s annoying, kind of degrading, but I’ve gotten used to it. Maybe he’s not  _ that _ bad. I mean, I definitely get the fact that he means well, but he’s just… he’s thinking with his dick instead of his head, and I don’t really much fancy talking to a walking dick.”

The two boys couldn’t help but laugh at the mental image - Peter more so than Remus. “He stares at other parts of you.” Peter added in defense of his friend. “I mean, he does…  _ stare _ , but… he’s staring because he thinks you’re hot. That’s a compliment.”

Lily turned to him in disgust. “No it’s not.” She raised her voice slightly. “How is some little bitch of a teenage boy fucking shitting himself everytime I walk past because I have breasts a compliment?” She shook her head in disbelief. “Giving me a compliment is coming up to me and telling me I look nice today or something like that. There’s a big difference.”

“He wouldn’t be staring if you didn’t look nice, though.” Peter continued, less so to make an argument out of this, but more because he was very much on the same level as James when it came to girls, and this conversation was just about changing his entire worldview.

“That doesn’t matter.” Remus glanced between Peter and Lily. “She’s right - there’s a difference. Staring is rude and weird, and kind of creepy. Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable when people stare at you in the corridors? It’s exactly the same for girls, believe it or not.”

“Oh.” Peter grew quiet for a moment, taking some time just to think about what Lily had said.

“Yeah.” Lily nodded, letting out a sigh, and instead diverted her attention back to the quidditch practice. “I mean, I hope all this looking like an idiot pays off for him and we win.”

“Yeah.” Remus agreed with her, running a hand back through his hair as he couldn’t help himself but watch Sirius, talking to James in a conversation that appeared to be getting just that little bit more heated than it should have been.

“Should I tell him?” Peter turned to Lily, biting his lip as he stumbled to align the thoughts in his head. “About what you said. About staring and things like that.”

Lily let out a sigh before shaking her head. “No.”

“Why not?” Peter exclaimed: his voice squeaking a little with confusion. This time, Remus found himself sharing Peter’s confusion.

“Because then he might actually start acting like a decent person and I might actually have to pay him any attention.” She smiled, blushing a little. “And I can’t let that happen.”

Remus eyed her suspiciously: feeling that there was perhaps something else hidden behind her words and the red of her cheeks.

-

“No offence, mate, but what are you on about?” Sirius shook his head in disbelief, sitting down on the bench in the changing rooms after practice.

James shrugged, running a hand back through his hair as he stood a few metres away in the mostly empty room, watching as Sirius began to take his boots off. There was something on his mind: something on both of their minds, and James couldn’t help but feel like there really wasn’t much of a way around the fact that it was very much the same something.

“I’m just  _ saying _ -” He began to explain, gesturing across at Sirius as he spoke, but Sirius got up from where he was sat, grabbing him by the arm to stop him before he could continue. “What?” He asked, looking at down at where Sirius’ hand was gripped so tightly around his arm. “Are you okay?”

Sirius shrugged it off, coming close to even scoffing at him as he stepped back, sitting back down on the bench, glancing around the room, and finding relief in the fact that no one else had taken much notice of their conversation. “Course.” He assured him, although with the tone of his voice, he couldn’t even fool himself.

“That sounds like a load of bullshit.” James found this to be one of those occasions in which he was something like incapable of thinking before he spoke. Even before Sirius hit him with a glare, he knew that this was going to end badly, but still, even afterwards, he found himself letting it continue. It wasn’t that he wanted to purposefully start arguments or make Sirius upset, he was just very much in favour of honesty and getting things off his chest.

“It sounds like you can fuck off. That’s what it sounds like.” Sirius shook his head at James. “You’re being a dick, and you know that, and you’re still doing it. That’s why I don’t like you sometimes.”

“Lovely of you to say.” James shook his head, turning away as he changed out of his quidditch robes.

The two remained in silence for a minute or two: Sirius finding a million thoughts and terrible things to say racing through his head, and he found that he did actually come close to voicing quite a few of them, but there was something that stopped him. It was the very same something that wondered if James had been right with what he’d said to him out on the pitch, and maybe that he’d been lying to himself all of this time.

Sirius found, however, that he really didn’t want to entertain that possibility, let alone discuss it openly with James, so instead of coming back to him with another snarky, mostly unnecessary insult, he instead changed as quickly as he could, and made his way out of the changing rooms before James could follow him and bring things up again. It wasn’t worth the argument after all, as for a start, that would definitely drag Remus and Peter into it, and that was definitely the last thing Sirius needed.

He spotted Remus and Peter stood with Lily at the side of the pitch, but avoided them, sneaking out and through the grounds and up to the castle without notice, just to avoid conversation, to avoid questions like ‘where’s James?’ and ‘what’s going on with you two?’. Really, there wasn’t much as such going on between him and  _ James _ . It was just sort of the fact that James had dragged himself into something that really wasn’t his business, and Sirius just wanted to avoid the possibility as much as possible, let alone discuss it aloud.

It was saying it aloud, after all, that made it real. That made it a problem, an issue, a  _ thing _ . Something he had to think about and deal with. Maybe even talk to other people about, and Remus just couldn’t avoid the fact that the possibility of that felt just an awful lot like a nightmare.

It was that which lead him up to the dormitory alone, very much trapped up in his own head: desperate to erase any trace of thought that might suggest he had even just a little bit of a crush on Remus. Because he  _ didn’t _ , after all, even if that seemed to take a world of effort in convincing himself of. He didn’t.

And he most certainly just didn’t know what James was even talking about - he hadn’t been staring at Remus. Not at all. They were just good friends, and Remus being bisexual shouldn’t have changed anything. But it did. Not just for James’ view on their friendship, but for Sirius himself. It changed a lot, especially to do with the way he felt, and he didn’t know quite where that left him anymore.

-

James had assumed he’d find Sirius sat rather begrudgingly with the others, and that things would carry on as they had, just with Sirius being that little bit more generally disgruntled than the others, but he rather quickly found that really wasn’t the case.

They’d then come to presume that he was already up in the common room, or their dormitory, but it soon became rather obvious that this really wasn’t the case. Remus had dragged Peter off with him to look for Sirius back out in the grounds - it was a decision that had happened far too quickly, and with no input from either James or Lily, who remained stood in the dormitory together, with very little idea of what to do with themselves.

It wasn’t that James particularly minded being left alone with Lily, because he really  _ didn’t _ . In fact, this should have been something worth celebrating for him, but the thing was that it wasn’t, because on a greater degree than he’d previously imagined, he’d fucked up here with Sirius, and he wasn’t quite sure he knew how to fix that; he’d never been any good at apologies after all.

In the end, Lily was the first to break the silence. “You really need to clean up in here.” She grimaced as she glanced at the pile of messily strewn clothes in one corner of the room.

James shrugged, taking a sigh as he sat down on the edge of his bed. “Yeah.” She wasn’t wrong, after all, but still, that didn’t mean that he was going to do it. “Do you think we should stay here? See if he comes back… or?” He looked up at Lily, hoping that she’d somehow just miraculously have all the answers to this, as she did have somewhat of a habit of having.

Lily thought for a moment, sitting down on Sirius’ bed, finding that she didn’t want to sit closer to James Potter than was entirely necessary. “What happened?” She chose not to answer his question but to instead pose another one. 

“We had an argument and he stormed off. It was about nothing. I think something’s just up with him.” James came to repeat what was pretty much all he’d said to them as they had made their way back up to the castle from the grounds.

“No.” Lily shook her head, locking their eyes. “What’s  _ really _ up with him? Really.” She insisted, her voice growing stern. James couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable within this all, but that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t really want to discuss what they’d said to one another in full. “ _ James. _ ” She continued, leaning closer to him.

“It’s kind of…” He trailed off, a little hesitant when it came to continuing, and found himself almost awkwardly dancing around the prospect of doing so, and what might come of it. “Not your business. Like not at all?” He looked up at her, eyes wide, ready to be slapped across the face or something like that.

“Fair.” She nodded, leaning back and thinking for a moment. “It would just help me understand what’s caused him to go off like this. So I can offer my advice and opinion, you know?”

He had to admit that Lily had a point. Still, however, that was yet to drive him to actually discuss what it was that had occurred. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He let out a sigh. “I think maybe I was being more of a dick than I should have been. I kind of don’t know when to stop sometimes.”

“A lot of the time.” Lily corrected him: meeting him with a knowing look.

He shrugged, because despite himself he could very well see where she was coming from. “I guess.” He bit at his fingernails, deep in thought for a while. “Don’t you think Pete and Remus were a bit off earlier as well?” He didn’t give her much of a chance to respond before he continued. “Have I done something? Like something I don’t know that I’ve done? You would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

“You haven’t done anything as far as I’m aware of.” She brought her mind back to her earlier conversation with Remus and Peter. “I think it’s just the whole Sirius thing. There’s got to be something behind it. The two of you are so close, it’s kind of weird that he’d be upset with you like that. I think it’s that which has set something off with them.”

“I didn’t really do all that much.” James looked up at her with pleading eyes, as if he was so desperate for her to believe him. For anyone to believe that to be the truth. “I… I don’t know. I don’t really know at all.”

“It’d help if you talked to me about it.” Lily’s response was instant, and James couldn’t say that he hadn’t been expecting it. “Come on, what was it about? What could it have possibly been about?”

“Really…” James let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I think maybe he was upset about something to start with, because I just… I just made a joke about how he kept looking at Remus. About Remus being bi, and everything. I mean, it was just a joke, and thinking about it, wouldn’t you admit that they’d make a good couple. Then he went on for about ten minutes about how straight he was, and I told him that maybe he was making too much of a deal about it. I don’t know, it really pissed him off. I mean, I did end up being an annoying dick about it, and yeah, he’s straight, maybe it would be kind of annoying for someone to deny your sexuality, but I think it was something else really. Maybe he just needs some time alone to chill out.”

“Maybe.” Lily let out a sigh, wondering just what this meant to her, as she knew how Remus really felt about Sirius, because in a way, this did entertain the possibility of Sirius liking Remus back, and as much as she’d didn’t want to make a thing out of something that simply wasn’t there, she couldn’t help but just wonder what this could quite mean.

“I feel like a bit of a dickhead.” James admitted, and for himself to say that himself, really was quite a lot. “Just feels a bit weird. I don’t know. I mean, it wasn’t like it came from nowhere, Sirius was staring at him.”

Lily smiled, wondering whether she could consider gently brushing upon the topic of something between Remus and Sirius to James, or whether that’d spark up something that they just really didn’t need. “You shouldn’t have gone on about it, especially if it was annoying him, but I don’t know. Maybe Sirius has his own things to deal with. Things that he doesn’t have to tell you about.”

“What do you mean?” James looked at Lily like she was talking the biggest load of bullshit he’d ever heard. “We talk to each other about things, of course he’d tell me things.”

Lily shrugged, knowing that implying that she knew that Sirius didn’t talk to James about everything was a bad idea, but still found herself considering the idea. “No one tells each other  _ everything _ .”

“What?” James looked up at her: eyes wide. “So, what? Sirius came up to you and told you personally that he actually has a crush on Remus? Because that sounds unlikely. What are you even saying?”

“No he didn’t.” Lily let out a sigh. “He doesn’t have to talk to you about everything and you definitely shouldn’t talk to him like he has to, and you should definitely learn when you should shut the absolute fuck up.”

“So what do you know then?” James shook his head, growing quickly irritated by this all. “Was it Remus instead?” He rolled his eyes. “Did he come and tell you that he had a crush on Sirius or something like that? Or are you all just joining the James hate club or some shit like that?”

Lily let out an awkward strained kind of sigh. In truth, she didn’t know quite what to say, especially as he’d pretty much accidentally hit the nail right on the head. “No.” She stood up, shaking her head. “Don’t be an idiot.”

James groaned, hating to admit that this was definitely his fault to some degree. “Yeah. I am. I’m being an idiot, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, come on. They’re you’re  _ best _ friends, course they don’t hate you.” Lily smiled, awkwardly treading around the matter of directly  _ lying _ to him and hoping that James didn’t notice.

“And what about you?” He looked up at her, a hint of a smile behind his eyes. “Do you hate me?”

She met him with a smile, largely relieved that he hadn’t picked up anything at all. “No more than usual.”

James smiled, somehow in all of this, still so very oblivious, and oblivious to so very much.

-


	13. here u go finally an update that didn't take over a month !!!!

It had all boiled down to a whole load of nothing in the end, but still that did very little to bridge the gap between James and Sirius. Although their argument had faded out into little more than off ward glances and sometimes questionable remarks, it was still very much there - thoroughly unresolved, and instead just left to fester, to just left to grow and mutate out of control.

It was more so down to just how close they had been in the first place as it was that which served to significantly highlight the difference held between them in brooding looks and prolonged silences that had such a habit of turning sour and uncomfortable. As much as it didn't directly relate to Remus or Peter at all, they found that it was affecting them just as much, if not more than James and Sirius themselves. Bridging the gap between two very stubborn, very pissed off people was painful enough, let alone trying and failing to. 

The fact of the matter was that they just weren't very sure as to what they were actually supposed to do. After all, situations such as this were so few and far between, and it certainly didn't help that the pair of them only seemed to agree whole heartedly when it came to not breathing a word of what had actually gone down between the two of them. Of course, there was no easier way to fix an argument between two of your insanely stubborn best friends than not knowing what it had really been about to begin with. 

James had taken upon pratting about the school just that little bit more than  usual, just to ensure that everyone was entirely confident in their knowledge that he was just that little bit pissed off with everything. As painful as it was though, he was perhaps infinitely easier to deal with than Sirius, who had taken to dark glares and brooding and hiding up inside of himself, refusing to say much of any note to anyone at all. 

With James there were limits, even if at times it didn't seem so, but there definitely was a line as to how much of an asshole he could be. James got bored easily, James listened to Lily Evans with her prefect badge and auburn hair and pretty face. He might come to his senses as the night drew in and pulling on the dickhead act just began to require more effort than he actually possessed. 

With Sirius, however, locking himself up inside meant you just weren't getting inside, no matter how much Remus might have tried - how long he might have sat with him, watching the sky, watching the world turn from a bright blue to an overbearing shade of dark grey. As little as it seemed that he'd have any luck getting anywhere, Remus still found himself just so very stupidly determined to persist, to sit around and fit the definitive look in Sirius’ now unwelcomingly vacant eyes himself. 

It was a lot for one argument. That was all Remus could say, as he came to the end of his tether, and found himself so very much without a single notion of quite where to go from here, because there was no doubt from this point forward that the mess they called by the name of nothing was anything but the such, and instead went around under the name and the power of the whole world. Whatever this was, it was one hell of a something, and Remus could do so very little more than spend afternoons sitting around hoping Sirius might come around. 

The thing with Sirius was that it just wasn't so much the silence that stood out to Remus, that really made the impact, but what lay behind it: the troubled look in his eyes, the mismatched bundle of thoughts whizzing so desperately around his head. Remus could only begin to imagine what it was that held him down like that - a crushing weight, one hell of a mess, and something that Remus couldn't even begin to hope to unravel. 

With the passing of three days, James had just about calmed down, or at least gotten bored with it all, but by no means more comfortable with the idea of actually detailing to either Remus or Peter just what the fuck any of this might be about. Sirius, however, as the majority of fifth year were sat around the fire in the Gryffindor common room, chattering excitedly about the quidditch match to come, found himself alone, upstairs in the dormitory. He sat by the window, watching the stars, watching the moon, watching the sky, wondering just at which point afternoon became evening and evening became night; from behind his eyes the world seemed suddenly so fast - out of control even. 

There was a look not just in Peter's eyes but in Lily’s too. It was a looking telling him to stay, to stay downstairs, to leave Sirius to put himself back together, to let the world iron out its own creases. As much as Remus came to respect the fact that they might be right about this one, that didn't go as far as to say he would listen, or adhere to their advice at all. 

They didn't stop him, after all. As he got to his feet and made his way back up the staircase no one said a word. Remus couldn't deny that had something to do with not throwing a fit or making a fuss, but still, in his eyes, no one had seen to stop him. 

Sirius sat against the dormitory wall, knees pushed up to his chest, elbows resting against his knees, and head propped up against his hands. He did meet Remus’ eyes as he made his way into the dormitory, but just for a brief moment, but perhaps that might turn out to be enough after all. Even if it wasn't, Remus might still just be able to pretend. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, just perhaps for the sake of it, as he sat down beside Sirius. Remus found that he received just so very little more than a shrug in response, but still, despite that, it was definitely something. 

In the silence that followed, Remus took the liberty of continuing. “Will you really not tell me what's up?” Try as he might, Remus couldn't hide the defeated tone to his voice. 

Sirius let out a sigh, choosing to avert his gaze rather than to respond; there was so much in his head that he couldn't even explain it to himself let alone another person. Even if that other person was Remus, because Sirius had found that Remus just meant a whole new kind of something.

“Then you should fix things with James at least.” Remus came to what he might have called a compromise, but of course, throughout this all, Sirius was unresponsive at best. Although, that did put Remus in the position of determining as to whether no response was better than the one he didn’t want.

“I have.” Sirius insisted. He didn’t do a very good job of insisting, and found that he failed even to convince himself. “We’re fine.”

“You’re not.” Remus shook his head, holding Sirius’ gaze for a moment, and wishing just for a moment that he didn’t have to pick up everything hidden behind Sirius’ eyes, and that he didn’t find himself instantly lacking onto a whole world of silence and secrecy that he’d hidden inside him. “If everything was fine then why would you be up here on your own when we’re all down in the common room?”

Sirius shrugged - a part of him was still so very desperate to continue in arguing his case, but by now, overall he had just accepted that Remus knew something was up, and that he wasn’t going to change his mind about that any time soon. “We apologised. We’re not arguing again.”

“That’s the thing though…” Remus trailed off, letting out a sigh, even resorting to holding his head in his hands for a moment. “You’re not talking at all.” He held Sirius’ gaze, hoping that would work to emphasise his point to some extent. “Is the only reason you’re not arguing because you’re not talking at all?”

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s over we’re not… it’s… we just don’t want to talk about it, and I don’t want to talk in general… I’m sorry that’s affecting you and Pete, and everyone else that it shouldn’t affect at all. I’m just feeling a bit weird.”

“When’s that going to end?” Remus could have chosen a kinder, sugar-coated kind of approach, but instead found himself cutting past all the bullshit, and meeting Sirius with a look that was far sterner than he had intended it to be.

As much as he hated to admit it, Sirius had to admit that he didn’t know. In fact he had no idea at all. The only positive in all of that was the fact that he could feel Remus reading it right off of his face, so he at least didn’t have to push himself to voice it aloud.

“If it’s not going to end by itself then you have to let someone help you.” Remus’ tone grew gentler, and he found that subconsciously he was leaning closer to Sirius as they spoke. “You know that right?” He gave a half hearted sort of pathetic excuse for a nod in response. Remus had accepted that it was maybe the best he was going to get. “I wish I had even the  _ slightest _ idea what it was about, you know? Or  _ anyone _ did. Talk to Lily, she’s good with helping people with their problems. I just don’t like seeing you like this - whatever it is, it’s eating you up inside.”

Sirius shook his head, biting at his lip. “Why don’t you go ask James what it was about? Why don’t you get him to tell you what stupid fucking thing it was that upset me so much? Why don’t you get him to tell you just what a pathetic mess I really am?”

Remus just looked at Sirius for a good minute: hesitant in beginning to comprehend just what was actually going on in his head anymore. Remus didn’t want to admit that he was so very useless in actually helping their situation at all, but it was the truth of the situation, and there was just so very little he could do about that.

“I’m sorry.” It was Sirius in the end, who came to fill the silence, catching Remus’ now suddenly very vacant stare. “I’m being… I don’t know… it’s all a pile of shit, really, because I know I’m overreacting but I just don’t know what to do with myself, and then it’s the kind of thing that I’m… I guess… too  _ scared _ to tell anyone about. Even though I shouldn’t be, but I guess at least I have a reason to be scared.”

“If you don’t want to properly  _ tell _ someone.” Remus began, meeting Sirius with a hopeful kind of look in his eyes; he knew through and through that the hopeful look was largely misplaced - counting on something that he’d never hope to see, but still he found himself desperately hoping for the best, because there was just so little else left for him to do. “Then talk to James. Properly talk to James. Properly  _ fix _ things with James. You two have been best mates for years, whatever this is, it’s not important enough to mess with that.”

“I think this all started, the whole argument thing at least, because I was too scared to talk about it properly with James in the first place.” As shitty as it made him feel, Sirius had to accept that admitting it, not even just to himself, but aloud, was definitely something.

“Then that’s just exactly how you have to fix it then, isn’t it?” Remus offered him a small smile. “James is just being a prat about things, but really, he knows he’s fucked up. He wants to fix this. Let him.”

Sirius just wasn’t sure if it was really mostly down to how pretty Remus was, but in the end, he found himself beginning to agree with him. Remus was probably right though - he tended to be, and Sirius was prepared to trust him in that. And to trust him in that alone, because in all honesty, the last thing he wanted to do was actually face up to what this feeling held so tightly in chest might have to do with it all. 

What he did know however was that regardless of how little he wanted it to be true, it definitely was so very real, and so very involved in this all, no matter if he liked it or not. 

Because as beautiful as Remus was, he was indeed also very right, and as much as he found that he might just prefer to, he really couldn’t live with this all locked inside his chest forever. Even if he did just manage to perfectly fuck everything up by letting the truth out, at least then he’d be sure to make quite the spectacle of it. He had that to look forward to at least.

-

They went out early to the quidditch pitch that next morning. Earlier than usual even, which was something considering the vigorous routine of quidditch practices that James had put into place in preparation for their upcoming match.

They found themselves out there, under a depressingly grey sky, and a world that looked like it might spit back at you, at a time that was leaning on closer to five than six than morning, and all just to get some time alone. It had been Sirius last night, as it had closed in on eleven o'clock and with the dormitory lights off, and the others already in bed, James had caught Sirius as he made his way out of the toilet. The two had shared an odd kind of look - one like they wanted nothing more than to look away and run from everything that stood between them in that moment, but still, despite that, they really just couldn’t.

From then on, it had been a simple ‘we need to talk’, and an understanding nod, and then James’ hand on Sirius’ shoulder at five the next morning, dragging him out of bed with the very same look they had shared that night before. That had been all that was said until they were really out there in the midst of the world’s worst morning conditions, and a hint of rain beginning to make its way down from the sky.

Sirius watched as James grabbed the quidditch balls for practice, which wasn’t due to start for a good twenty minutes now, but Sirius had to appreciate that James had at least anticipated that what it was they had to talk about might take longer than a brief few seconds. The more Sirius watched, the more he came to wonder if James had simply resorted to setting things out physically as slowly as possible, but the more Sirius thought about it, the more he found that he just didn’t blame him.

In the end, however, Sirius found that he might have to break the silence, conscious of the fact that things could only get worse the longer he left them, and also of the fact that they didn’t have forever at all, but something closer to fifteen minutes now.

“We need to talk.” He repeated just what he’d said the night before. Although it certainly wasn’t much, it certainly got James’ attention. James spun back around, facing Sirius with a nervous kind of look in his eyes - as if he might be able to guess what was to follow, but that somehow that had made it all worse.

“Yeah.” James gave into a nod, and lead Sirius off to the bleachers. Again, at first, the two sat in silence: Sirius rolling over words in his mind, and James watching the skies grow more grey still. The way the conditions were looking, it seemed as if it was getting too bad to practice, but despite that, James was very sure of the fact that he hadn’t woken up at five in the morning to not practice for the game. In all honesty, he’d woken up at half four, worrying about Sirius, drowning in the kinds of thoughts he could never voice aloud, but that was beside the point.

“Things are weird between us.” Sirius reckoned there was something else about saying it aloud - something that made it different, worthwhile, and something that wasn't just down to him finding a way to waste the time away. “Are you pissed off at me?”

James shook his head, turning to Sirius and really  _ looking _ at him for the first time in so many days now. This was a whole new thing for them, because they’d always been the ones with the inseparable friendship, and not the ones sitting under disgustingly grey skies at half past five in the morning, wondering how they might put everything back together again. “I’m not. I’m just… I don’t know… I’m confused, I’m sorry. Things are just weird, and I’m not good at talking about things.”

Sirius smiled: smiled despite the irony of it all. He rubbed his eyes and leaned back a little. “I’m not very good either.” He admitted - it was the truth after all.

“Are you upset with me?” James continued to ask, hoping that with this they might be able to patch everything up. Sirius had previously hoped that would have been the case, but the more the morning dragged on, and it really did become morning, he became certain that it just wasn’t going to work out like that this time around.

“No.” Sirius gave way to a sigh, biting his lip, and swallowing every ounce of common sense he had left in him. “It’s just weird. Everything’s a bit weird, and it wasn’t you. You just added to everything and that didn’t help, but it’s not your fault… it’s just…” He trailed off, edging dangerously close to a horrible kind of truth that he really didn’t want to even fathom beginning admitting aloud, yet here they were, and here the words were, so very close to his lips now.

“Just what?” James prompted, noticing that Sirius had seemed to lose himself in the silence a little bit. He just watched him for a little while, coming to take note of the way he had resorted to shaky shallow breaths and averting James’ gaze whenever he tried to hold eye contact.

“Just…” Sirius stretched out, taking in the horizon, surveying the word around them and recording every single detail to memory, maybe just to prolong the time until he had to actually to face up to everything, because that was the thing, this was the best and perhaps only explanation.

It couldn’t be all that bad. There had been thousands of things that had gone worse for the two of them, and those were all things they’d recovered from perfectly. It would be fine. He knew it would be. Yet, still, despite everything he knew, he couldn’t quite get himself to really believe it.

“It’s just…” He began again, swallowing his common sense, his nerves, his pride, and maybe just his tongue too. In that moment, it felt a little bit like he’d swallowed the whole world too, because for quite a while there was a distinct lack of much at all - just the rapid beating of his heart, and his slight shivers in the cold morning breeze.

James’ face had grown softer: seeming to sense that whatever it was wouldn’t just slip Sirius’ lips with all the ease in the world, and had resorted to sitting silently, waiting patiently. He’d even gone as far as to avoid making his own kinds of assumptions in his head, because deep down, despite everything he might have accidentally made himself out to be, James Potter was a good friend. And James Potter and Sirius Black were best friends, and none of this should have been as complicated as it was.

Perhaps that was just life, though. There was nothing more - just silence and sunrise, and answers held just so close to be spoken, yet so far away from the two of them. In the end, the morning stopped feeling real, and Sirius got this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach that he might wake up and find this all to be a dream.

It was that which did it in the end - sent the words tumbling from his lips. The thing was however, that it wasn’t a dream at all, because the very moment the truth had finally slipped Sirius’ lips, he had never felt quite so real.

“I just… I think I’m gay.”

In all this, Sirius had never once considered just how he wanted James to react. He only found himself considering it in the very moment it was due to happen - as they sat there, the two of them, in a kind of silence that felt like it might span for hours on end. The thing was, of course, that Sirius couldn’t expect James to know what to say to him if he himself hadn’t known what he’d wanted James to say in the first place.

Regardless of that of course, the silence was killing him, and it only seemed so very intent to drag on and on, and it rather looked like Sirius might lose himself within it, because there everything was - out in the open, who he was, how things had really always been, and James could say nothing about it at all. Sirius was desperate not to let himself blame him though - it wasn’t James’ fault at all; he was shocked, after all. Sirius just didn’t know if him being so shocked was a good thing or not, but then again, if Sirius himself hadn’t seen it coming at all, he could hardly imagine what it might be like for James.

“You’re…” James began, letting out a deep kind of sigh, almost as if he was inhaling the entire world into his lungs - like he’d need all the oxygen in the world to continue from this point. “You’re gay.” He finished, glancing across to Sirius, to his best friend, because as much weight as this moment seemed to hold, it didn’t dare affect that in the slightest way at all.

“I think.” Sirius gave a nod, doing his best to avoid holding James’ gaze, to avoid the odd look in his eyes like he was taking him in like an entirely different person this time around; he was looking at him simply, but looking at him in a way he hadn’t done until that first day they’d met on the Hogwarts Express.

“You think?” James prompted for him to continue, offering him a small smile of reassurance as he came to notice the way Sirius had begin to crumble into pieces under his gaze and the rather direct nature of their conversation. James couldn’t help but hate that this was the way this were - that Sirius thought this should change things, and that James had let him feel like that, because it wasn’t fair, not at all.

“I’m not  _ entirely _ certain… I mean… it’s really kind of a new revelation, but… it just makes sense, really.” He bit his lip, wondering how best to go about explaining this all to his incredibly straight best friend, especially when he was yet to properly explain it to himself. “I never really caught on before, because I mean, I never really considered it as a possibility. Like… you know my family… they’re very traditional and everything. It was never really a possibility, like no one ever told me that it was a thing I could be. That’s kind of… I don’t know… fucked up somehow, don’t you think?”

James nodded, sitting there and thinking for a minute. “This is going to make things worse for you with your family, isn’t it?” He didn’t even wait for Sirius to respond before continuing; he knew the answer already after all. “That’s fucking bullshit. That’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. You shouldn’t have to put up with them, with all of this bullshit - it’s not fair at all.”

“Doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not, does it?” Sirius gave way to a shrug. “They hate me already, if they can find it within themselves to hate me more then honestly that’d be pretty impressive.”

James found it hard to appreciate the humour Sirius had managed to find in the situation - he knew it of course to be little more than a desperate kind of coping mechanism after all. “You shouldn’t have to deal with them being fucking  _ homophobic _ to you as well.” He shook his head, leaving the two in silence for a while. Sirius had to admit that James was right, but still that did nothing to help the fact that there was nothing Sirius could do about it.

In the end, James came to accept that he’d have to move the conversation onwards, noticing the distant look clouding over his eyes. “I’m sorry, you know?” He continued, fighting the dozens of other questions he found springing to mind, because really there was quite the mess of things he wanted to know in regards to Sirius’ sudden sexuality revelation, but he had to respect the fact that maybe right now wasn’t the moment, and that the half of them weren’t appropriate. “For making all those jokes about you and Remus. I didn’t know it might upset you.”

Sirius shrugged, wanting nothing more than to run away from the situation, and the kind of place he might end up when this conversation finally came to an end, but there was the very same look in James’ eyes as there had been when they were both just eleven and so scared of the whole school and the whole world, even as they’d only ever done their best to make out the opposite. This was James Potter, this was his  _ best _ friend, and Sirius knew he couldn’t let this all make everything weird again - this was supposed to be how everything got put back together again, and not how everything fell apart.

“It’s fine… I just, I don’t know. It wasn’t helping.” Sirius bit his lip, hating to drag himself back to that moment. “It’s not your fault, though.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t helping?” James couldn’t help but ask, only finding himself coming to wonder if that might have crossed the line of being slightly invasive after he’d said it. “You can tell me to fuck off and mind my own business if you want, I just… I don’t know… I don’t know what you don’t want to talk about, you know?”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “I should talk about it. I should talk about it  _ all _ .” He definitely sounded far more confident and sure of himself than he was in reality; he wondered if James sensed that. “I desperately didn’t want to be gay, you know, at first, like when I first considered it. That’s kind of fucked up, that’s kind of really fucked up, isn’t it? But there’s just… there’s nothing I can do about it, so I should accept myself, that’s kind of hard though. I only started considering all of this when Remus came out to me, because I’d never really thought of other sexualities properly before, like I mean, of course I knew that not everyone was straight, but I never really properly  _ thought _ about it like that. And then when Remus started talking about his sexuality and things, I kind of started relating that to me, and that was weird, and like… I don’t know. Honestly, James, I’m in a bit of a mess right now.”

James let out a sigh, finding that he wasn’t entirely sure what to say to Sirius in their current situation, so instead he resorted to the best thing he could think of, and got to his feet, pulling Sirius into a hug. Sirius hadn’t quite expected it, and stumbled a little as they hugged. There was also this horrible little worry at the back of Sirius’ mind that suddenly somehow this would all now be weird that James knew, that James knew he liked guys, and they were hugging, but the thing was that it wasn’t - it wasn’t at all, not in the  _ slightest _ . Perhaps that was just the last little bit of confidence Sirius really needed, because through this all, the thing was that he wasn’t weird or fucked up at all, he was just  _ gay _ , and things shouldn’t have been anywhere near as complicated as they had been.

“I just never…” Sirius began as the two pulled away, having found a sudden urge not to shut up, to set everything out aloud, for James to know the absolute ins and outs of his sexuality, for someone to know, to make it feel the kind of real he needed it to be. “I never thought that the way I felt about some guys was just… you know  _ romantic _ , because I was always told that guys just don’t feel that way about guys, and I was always so desperately looking for something with girls and emphasised every little bit of that I could glimpse, but it’s not like that at all. I just don’t like girls, at  _ all _ , like it’s honestly fucking laughable now how I ever managed to think that I did.”

“So like how gay are you?” James only realised that his question was really kind of a stupid one once he’d said it. “Like if you had to put a percentage on it?” Despite how ridiculous it might have been, he continued with it regardless, meeting Sirius with a smile.

Sirius rolled his eyes, shaking his head at James. “Really fucking gay. Not sure it’s exactly a percentage though, but whatever. I’m just  _ gay _ .”

“But like… I mean, Remus is bi, so that’s like more like fifty percent gay, and you’re more a hundred percent gay?” James asked, leaving Sirius to die a little inside as James came to acknowledge the fact that Sirius and Remus were both attracted to guys, and just what that could possibly come to mean.

“That’s not exactly how bisexual works, you know? But Remus is bi, and I’m gay, yeah.” Sirius nodded at him, watching a sudden realisation flash across James’ eyes, and there, of course, there it was.

“You should date.” He suggested, pulling his lips up into a grin - as much as it had tied Sirius’ stomach into all kinds of knots, he didn’t mean any harm by it at all. “I’m just saying. I mean, you two were cute together, even when we thought you were both straight.”

“We shouldn’t date just because we both like guys, that’s like getting two random straight people and telling them they should date just because they’re straight.” Sirius had to hope that he’d done an adequate job in hiding his actual feelings regarding Remus, and the idea of the two of them together.

“I’m not saying it because you both like guys, I’m saying it because you’d work together.” James continued, pausing for a moment and hitting Sirius with an odd kind of look - similar to the one Sirius had met as he’d first come out. “Don’t tell me you like him, because I swear-” James cut himself off, shaking his head. “Look, because it’d just… I don’t know, you were very uptight about the whole insinuation of you dating him, so… look, if you do, tell me alright? If you don’t though, tell me, and I’ll fuck off.”

“That sounds like if I did like him you’d never fuck off ever.” Sirius noted, doing what he’d call an excellent job of avoiding the question entirely. He could only hope that James regarded it in the same way.

“I’d have to help you two get together. I’d come up with an elaborately gay scheme that would make sure he fell for you.” James seemed so very convinced of the excellence of his plan - Sirius really did not. “I’d just come up to him like so hey, your gay bro Sirius is not only just gay but gay for you.” James grinned across at him. “Only if you are gay for him, though.”

“He doesn’t know I’m gay.” Sirius announced, really catching James by surprise.

“ _ What _ ?” His eyes widened, leaning closer: certain he’d misheard him.

“I haven’t told him yet.” Sirius admitted, exhaling sharply, as he came to wonder just how telling him might go - he did imagine that it might be just that little bit easier though, considering Remus’ sexuality.

“Why not?” James met him with a look of confusion. “Who have you told?”

Sirius shook his head, coming out with an awkward kind of breathy laugh. “Just you.”

“Just me?” James exclaimed, almost as if he couldn’t quite believe it. The thing was that he just didn’t see why he had been Sirius’ first port of call in all of this, as the straight friend, the  _ very _ straight friend. “Why me?”

“I needed to make things normal again, you know?” Sirius met him with a smile. “And this whole argument started because I was struggling my sexuality and no one knew about it, because I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about it, so I guess to fix things I just had to tell you the truth.”

“Why didn’t you go to Remus first?” James still found himself unable to get over the situation and the secret they now held between them. “I mean, he’s the sexuality expert, isn’t he? Like even before telling me.”

“I don’t know.” Sirius told him. Although, in all honesty, he had a very good idea as to why he was yet to say a word to Remus, but the truth of that would definitely leave James refusing to leave him alone, or as he’d put it himself ‘fuck off’. Sirius reckoned he wasn’t ready to face up to that part of the situation yet. Maybe another day, maybe another early morning, maybe another mess to bring it all forward. Something like that.

“You’re going to tell him though, aren’t you?” James met him with a more serious look this time: feeling very inadequate to carry this all himself and support Sirius through this all sufficiently.

“Yeah.” Sirius assured him, because of course, eventually it would come down to that,  _ eventually _ . “I don’t want it to be a  _ secret  _ kind of thing, you know? But just not right now, I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I’m still not really all that comfortable with it myself, but talking about things did really help. Thanks for that.”

James smiled across at him. “Hey, thank you for telling me. We’re alright now, aren’t we? This was such a stupid thing to make such a mess out of, you know?”

“I know.” Sirius told him, letting a small smile cross his lips. “I’m just… it’s weird for me, really. Is it weird for you?”

“Doesn’t matter if it’s weird for me or not because it’s not my sexuality or my life, is it? It’s not down to me to decide if it’s weird or not, it’s down to me to try and help you through this the best I can.”

It was in that moment, as the sun really began to rise, and the skies began to clear up, with six o’clock just around the corner - a simple quidditch practice ahead of them, that Sirius really began to realise just why James Potter was his best friend. And the thing was that really, James Potter was the best best friend he could have ever asked for.

-

The only words she managed to catch before she was cornered against the back wall of a darkened corridor near the Slytherin common room were ‘it’s important’. Narcissa was slow to come to terms with the situation: her mind lagging behind her body and the pounding of her heart in her chest. It had been a simple morning - an earlier start than she’d intended, but nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, generally, it had been a rather quiet past few days for her, although in hindsight she reckoned that had ensured that everything was going to come crashing down like this soon enough.

“It’s important.” The voice repeated, holding her back in the darkness - she yearned to make out their face, but she found herself able to put a name to the voice quicker than she’d imagined. The thing was however, that the name she put to the voice was hardly a pleasant one.

“ _ Malfoy _ ?” She retorted, pushing away from him, but finding rather quickly that he’d done quite the job of ensuring she stayed put against the wall.

“Yes.” He told her, letting out a sigh. “It’s  _ important _ .” He continued, stepping back a little, giving her only a little room to breathe really, as he kept her pinned against the wall with one hand.

“What’s important?” Narcissa demanded: growing increasingly agitated with the situation as every second ticked past. “ _ What’s  _ important?” She repeated, unsatisfied with the silence they found themselves in - it wasn’t good enough - she needed answers, and she was going to get answers. Narcissa Black always got what she wanted, and if that made her a bitch then so be it.

“We need to talk about things. About what you’ve been ‘investigating’ - I know you’ve got this agenda of fixing things, like you think you’re the magical forsaken power that can put everything right again, but it’s not like that - it’s not about us, it’s nothing we can control, everything’s so much bigger than you could ever think it’d be, and it’s not safe to get yourself mixed up in. Just walk away, just leave it, just get yourself away from it all, keep living, keep yourself safe. Things aren’t worth it.”

Narcissa watched him for a while: the flickering of different colours in his eyes, beginning to imagine the picture it might be reflecting in his mind. “What do you mean?” She eventually chose to ga ve him the benefit of the doubt and not immediately rush to convict him as a dirty fucking liar.

“Leave it all alone. It’s not just a group of Slytherins you’ve dealing with. It’s so much more than that.” His voice grew a kind of gravely serious that had Narcissa on edge in a way she quite despised. “It’s not worth it.” He repeated, hoping she might come around to believe him.

“What’s in that box, Malfoy?” She insisted, looking up to meet him with a vindictive kind of look: doing all she could to disregard all he was telling her, but still finding that it all unnerved her to an extent.

He shook his head, hesitant to respond. “No.” He told her instead. “Nothing’s in the box.”

“Why would you be hiding  _ nothing _ ?” Narcissa could only roll her eyes at him. “It’s hard to get someone to listen to you when they know you just keep lying to them, you know?”

Malfoy stepped backwards letting out a sigh. “I don’t know, okay?” Narcissa was immediately hesitant to believe him, and by hesitant she didn’t even consider it at all. “Honestly.” He continued, eyes growing darker. “I don’t know. I can’t open it - no one can open it. It’s… just something I have to keep safe.”

“Why can’t you open it?” Narcissa leaned closer, suddenly beginning to entertain the possibility of there being some truth of Lucius Malfoy’s words. “What happens if someone opens it?”

“I don’t want to find out.” Malfoy shook his head, stepping away from Narcissa, meeting her with an odd kind of look - one that might suggest that he wanted to continue. “It doesn’t matter what you think - it doesn’t matter if you think I’m lying to your or not. I warned you, and that’s that. If you end up fucking everything up for yourself then I know that’s not my fault at all.”

She stopped for a moment, regarding Malfoy in such a manner that she had never done before. “Why might you care? Why might you actually give one single fuck what happens to me at all?”

He shrugged - not entirely sure how to answer that one, instead taking a moment to watch her in the darkness, and come to regret making the decisions that had landed them in this particular situation, because he, Lucius Malfoy, was certainly not one for kindness and charity, but here he was - here he’d ended up, doing his best to keep the worst away from a stupid fucking girl like Narcissa Black. Admittedly, though, she was pretty - she was very pretty.

“Who says I do?” He scoffed, shrugging it off, as if the insinuation that he did was nothing else beyond utterly preposterous. Which perhaps it was, or had been - he wasn’t quite sure what had changed, but something had.

“You.” She narrowed her eyes. “What are you doing here if you don’t ‘care about me’ or whatever? You’re not just here for fun, I mean, I know you’re a sick fuck but this isn’t how you work - this isn’t what you’re like, because believe it or not, Malfoy. I know you, I really do.”

“As much as I don’t particularly like you, I don’t want something  _ terrible _ to happen to you.” He finished, narrowing his eyes right back at her. “You’re pretty, after all. You’ve got that going for you.”

“Go fuck yourself, Malfoy.” She spat, pushing him out of the way and beginning to disappear down the corridor. “Absolutely go fuck yourself. I don’t know what you’re doing, I don’t know what lies you’re spreading, but I don’t  _ care _ .”

Lucius stood there, watching her leave, letting her leave, because they weren’t friends, they were hardly even acquaintances, they were just two people who’d gotten so horribly caught up in the same kind of awful mess. He had imagined that might have given them something, something to share, something to discuss, something to help make sense of their ‘relationship’, but it hadn’t. It had really done the opposite, in fact.

The fact of the matter was however, that Malfoy had not been lying. For the first time this had been much more than a mess and a trick, as for now he found that what they really needed to see was the end of that, but hopeful as he might have been, it didn’t appear as if they could come to any kind of agreement at all.

He was clueless, pathetically clueless, just as he was about the box, and quite how everything had spun to pin it all on him.

-

“That wasn’t so hard then, was it?” James near enough had a heart attack as Lily Evans caught him on his way back up to the castle that morning after their quidditch practice.

“What?” He turned to her, eyes wide, a little unsure just what Lily was doing talking to him by choice, let alone getting up to specifically come find him after quidditch practice.

“You talked to him.” She offered him a smile as she came to join him in walking up to the castle. “Glad you’ve finally stopped dragging everything out, really, I was worrying that I’d have to step in and sort everything out for you two idiots. I mean, it was fucking with everyone really.”

“It’s down to him, really. He was the one who really  _ talked _ about things.” James admitted, watching Lily with an odd kind of suspicion, because really, just what was she doing talking to him? What was she doing paying him any interest at all? This of course, only served to evidence the fact that Lily Evans was just far too beautiful and complex for him to ever begin to understand. James was really just a bit in love with her - a bit awfully so, and forever tripping over his heart, and in turn his feet, when it came to expressing that, because he’d never been much for sentiment and putting things properly.

“What was it in the end?” Lily continued to ask, wondering if James knew that she’d noticed how slowly he’d made an effort to walk: prolonging what they held between them, the conversation, and what was held so precariously away from their lips and the world around them. There was a special kind of something, there was a special kind of world in which they might find comfort together in, but the thing was that things were shaping up to almost mimic that place. Lily wasn’t sure quite what to do with herself anymore, but maybe the world wasn’t here to be made sense of, but to make sense of yourself within.

James swallowed so hard Lily heard it. He wasn’t at all sure how to answer her, how to avoid the subject politely, because there was the matter of doing everything in a hurried attempt to get Lily Evans to like him, and then being there for his best friend. He should have known where he stood - he had built himself up to be a better person than that, but the horribly blunt truth of it all was that he didn’t. The two remained in silence, and Lily watched him like she wanted nothing more than to begin to understand.

In the end, James did speak up, but it wasn’t in a way either of them had expected. “It’s none of your business, really.” He glanced across at her rather nervously, attempting to round his words off with a smile. “Really none of your business at all.”

Lily let out a laugh. “What happened to you being so head over heels for me that you’d do anything if I so much as blinked at you?” She was of course, joking, but James wondered if she really did mean anything by it - he couldn’t help but wonder, after all.

James pulled his lips up into an exceedingly awkward smile. “Who knows? Maybe it’s just that Sirius is my best friend, and he should be able to trust me.”

She nodded, returning the smile. “I’m joking, you know.” She turned to hit him with a more serious look - one that James really didn’t have it within him to even begin to comprehend. “I’m just glad you’re both okay now. So Sirius doesn’t have to sit moping around for hours anymore, and Remus doesn’t have to go onto me for hours, worrying and worrying.”

James’ whole body seemed to stop for a moment, connecting what Lily had told him so simply with what he’d wondered in regards to Sirius and in regards to Remus too. As much as Sirius had denied it, he couldn’t help but wonder if the two had wrapped themselves up in a mess of some sort. He wondered if it was just the way he saw things, but there was something in Lily’s eyes as she spoke that made him think otherwise.

“Yeah.” He nodded in agreement. “That’s good. That’s really good.”

“I do wonder if Remus cares too much about Sirius sometimes, you know?” She continued, seeming not to have noticed the way her words had struck a chord within him. “I mean, they are best friends, and you should care about your friends, that’s normal, of course, but I don’t know. He worries too much, don’t you think?”

James nodded slowly, thinking back and trying to recall every time Remus had worried about Sirius before, but found that he quickly got rather lost inside his own head. “It’s nice, though, isn’t it? It’s a nice thing, don’t you think?”

“Yeah…” Lily shrugged, averting her gaze. “Yeah, I guess it’s nice, but I also know that it’s killing him inside, and then, that regardless of that, he’s still going to keep doing it, and with time, it can only get worse.”

“Why does it kill him?” James struggled to push the words out of his lips. “What do you mean?”

“Have you ever cared about a person so much that it kind of split your whole world in two? And it feels like they care about you so little in return?” Lily Evans said so casually to James Potter. He nodded in return, because of course,  _ of course _ , he had. Of course he did. 

He wondered if Lily knew that he did too, or if it was all just a mess of teenage hormones from where she was standing. He wondered if it would ever change, if they would ever become any more than that, any more than this.

And then he wondered about Remus, about Sirius too, and just what kind of situation that they might be wrapped up in, because whatever it was, it was an awful kind of  _ something _ , but from where James was standing, he had very little idea what it was or what to do about it at all.

-


	14. brought to u by actually planning this fic finally

She caught him after their Potions class, against the cold stone brick of the corridor leading back up from the dungeons. Discretion had been something she’d wish to regard highly at the start of this all, but after an hour of Professor Slughorn’s monotonous drivel drilling slowly into her brain, Lily Evans had just about had enough with rationality and common sense. 

Of course, however, she was still Lily Evans, fifth year Gryffindor prefect, and by far the Gryffindor prefect who took her duties the most seriously, so she definitely didn’t come to anything outrageously daft by any measure. Still, there was little debate to be done around the fact that there were a plethora of better alternatives, of ways she should have approached this, and none of them were a minute after Potions class had finally ended, in the dimly lit, foul smelling dungeon corridors, amidst a crowd of thirty or so students.

In fact, she did share his surprise in regards to the nature of the situation, finding that she hadn’t really done much at all in the way of thinking as she dragged Sirius Black away from his friends and down a corridor branching outwards towards the Slytherin common room. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant corridor, or place to stand at all, but Lily had just about come to conclude that all in all, their current situation was just about anything but pleasant.

It had been bothering her really. An awful lot lately, and when something came to lodge itself firmly in Lily’s brain, it did just that; it certainly did not linger half heartedly at the sidelines, watching her world go by for days, only to offer in an occasional comment or nagging reminder once in awhile. What was the case was that it stuck itself proudly at the forefront of her mind, like a great blazoned statue situated right behind her two eyes, but with a moving head and rather human lips, turning back every few minutes to utter a demanding remark, a persistent reminder of what it was she couldn’t avoid. 

When it came to smashing that statue to pieces, confronting it head on was her only option, and in her seat in the Potions classroom, in the quiet of dim, oddly damp room, the demanding reminders had been persistent, irreverent, even. It was the combined mess of the aforementioned that had really lead to Lily Evan’s hand curled tightly in an iron grip around Sirius Black’s awkwardly skinny wrist, and of course, the matter of dragging it, and in turn, Sirius himself, down the corridor and away from his friends.

“Uhh…” Sirius began, blinking up at Lily with narrow eyes, turned stormy grey in the low light. He was slow to process quite what was happening, and couldn’t help himself but glance nervously back towards the crowd of students still gathered at the entrance to the classroom: hesitant to make any kind of move towards their next class, as Sirius was himself. Yet despite that hesitance, he found that his current situation was certainly not his preferred method of wasting time away. From the look in Lily’s eyes however - beady and insistent - it didn’t much look like it was up to him.

“I need to talk to you a minute.” She explained, a deep sigh filling her chest from the bottom of her lungs, before rising up her throat and out into the cold air between them, almost at half the speed it should have, as if the silence between them had stretched itself out into seconds that seemed to span across minutes, and minutes that seemed to last hours.

“Oh.” Sirius gave a nod, relaxing a little as Lily pulled her hand away from his wrist. He’d had a nervous preconception about this all, allowing his mind to delve off to take light to only the worst possibilities he could construct in the space of the past two minutes. “What about?” He continued, reaching a hand up to brush dark hair out of his face, his voice far more steady than his resolve.

Lily thought for a moment, finding that the words were far from inclined to spring to her with ease when the moment arose. She knew  _ exactly _ what she wanted to talk to Sirius about, as it had been on her mind for days now, but it was just the matter of putting it into words, and the  _ right _ ones, that had her stumped.

In the end, she found herself tracing it all back to the beginning. It had been James’ fault, as most things were, especially if you were Lily Evans. James’ concerns had fabricated between them as he’d let them slip his tongue, and that fabrication had come with a vindictive kind of permanence as his concerns had settled themselves nicely in her mind.

Truthfully, however, they hadn’t been much in the way of concerns for James, who knew so little of the truth, despite the grin that remained permanently plastered to his face, from which he spoke as if he knew the secrets of the entire world and everyone who had ever lived in it. This was far from reality, of course. James had only entertained the possibility of Remus and Sirius was a smile, and a deep sense of regret for pushing Sirius too far with it all. Lily, however, had more to her hand, and couldn’t help her mind from working away, and trying to piece together what this all might mean.

She knew that as much as he didn’t like to admit it, Remus was emotionally fragile, even as he was perhaps anything but fragile physically. This combined with the define hint of a something, of whatever nature, growing between Remus and Sirius, was something that Lily knew wasn’t set up for success, especially if she just let it fester on its own. Because as much as she might have liked to leave them be, the both of them were really were quite incompetent when it came to feelings, and she wasn’t much inclined to deal with an inevitable messy fallout.

Sirius was either straight, with no feelings for Remus, and just a horrible kind of vaguely flirtatious curiosity, and perhaps a ridiculous thin skin when it came to remarks about his sexuality. Or, he wasn’t straight and shared Remus’ feelings, but found them coupled with an awful mess of internalised homophobia, that had twisted him into his own kind of prison, as he struggled to come to terms with that and what it might mean by himself and only from inside his own head.

Lily couldn’t help feel as if neither situation was particularly easy to deal with. She also couldn’t help but feel as if they both lay on her, somehow, in all of this, seeing as Remus would never muster the courage to properly openly discuss this with Sirius, and James didn’t have the slightest clue what to do with himself - not just in this case, but most of the time. Therefore, she was left as the only other option, and the one who faced Sirius in the cold draft of a deserted corridor, trying to get the words out of her mouth.

“It’s sort of about you and James.” She began, deciding that perhaps bringing Remus and the matter of sexuality immediately into the picture might scare him off a little, and that was easily the last thing she needed in that moment, because if he was unwilling to talk to her then the whole situation was only to be rendered a hopeless kind of lost cause.

“Everything’s alright between us now.” Sirius assured her, attempting to pick up on what she might have been getting to with this. “We talked about things, and we’re all fine, I promise you. There’s no point worrying about all that.” He even went as far as to toss her an almost James Potter esque smile - one that cried of a dramatized overcompensation, to hide the flimsy mess of truth behind hundreds of brick walls at the forefront of his mind. She knew buying it would have made her life perhaps a hundred times easier, but still, Lily didn’t.

“Yeah, I’ve seen. It’s pretty easy to notice when you two are and aren’t friends, you know?” She raised her eyebrows across at him, catching an awkward flush of embarrassment pass his cheeks for a brief moment. “You’re hardly discreet.” She added, and this time, Sirius couldn’t help but nod, knowing that despite the regard he might have held the simple matter of his pride with, ultimately, she was right.

“What do you mean then?” He continued to ask, his eyes narrowing with confusion, darkened irises hitting the dim glow of the candle light to reflect such uncertainty in flickering patterns streaked across shades of brazened grey. “If you know everything’s fine, then what do you want to talk to me about?”

It was the eye in this storm, the point amidst all this mess, that would always be the hardest to produce in simple terms, in words that cut to the point, but did so without cutting right into his skin; in words that placated the truth, but still didn’t stretch it into the realm of falsification. Still, Lily swallowed hard, praying to swallow all nerve as she did so, and continued on.

“What caused the argument between you and James in the first place.” There was no missing the sudden shudder of his chest, rib cage seeming to rattle slightly, followed by a sharp exhalation of breath, as he came to process just what she had said, and just what it might mean. Lily gave him a moment to respond, or just to turn her words over in his mind before she dared to continue, hoping to stretch it out to wade through the complications of it with more ease. The complications, still, were of course ever persistent and inevitable - Lily wasn’t stupid enough to catch herself believing otherwise.

“Oh.” Sirius gave a shaky nod in reciprocation, sinking his teeth into his lip for a moment as he drew in a long breath of cold air, doing his best to pull himself together in the short amount of time he had. There was no question about the fact that was a subject he didn’t want to delve into, especially under the watchful gaze of Lily Evans, reflecting back across his eyes under the light in a million different shades of jade green. Despite his discomfort, Sirius knew Lily to be stubborn, like he knew wholeheartedly, that they were having this conversation - right here, right now, no matter what he might have to say about it.

“That thing that you refused to talk to anybody about.” She continued to describe the matter to him, as if from his reaction she figured that he was still yet to recall the event in its entirety. In reality, she was just filling out the time, prolonging a certain inevitability, despite the better she thought she knew of herself. “It was about you and Remus.” She finished, sharply, knowing instantly that the words had fled her lips without a great abundance of thought beforehand.

“I-” Sirius’ resolve quickly melted into little more than a stammer, and eyes widening as if to mirror those of a deer caught in a pair of shining car headlights. As much as Lily was reluctant to continue, she knew that Sirius found himself in a position far from capable of filling out the silence with ease. In fact, he seemed to be flaking, crumbling right before her, and this did little more than confirm her suspicions that there was much more to all of this than James had seemed to make of it.

“James told me.” She felt vaguely bad about dragging James straight into it: imagining that perhaps Sirius wasn’t all so pleased with the information that had been so casually disclosed to her. “Don’t get angry with him, alright? I don’t think we can handle you two falling out again. He didn’t tell me much, he said that he didn’t want to tell me your private things, which is good of him, because I did kind of expect otherwise, but I think he’s actually becoming a better person somehow.” She cut herself off, finding that steering the conversation to highlight James’ personal development over the course of the past few months was hardly relevant. “Anyhow, look, you know you can trust me, right?”

“Yeah…” Sirius trailed off, grimacing a little - not at Lily, herself, as he did love her very much, but simply at the idea of spilling his deepest secrets, so easily, like water onto the stone slabs beneath their feet. “You know it’s none of your business, though, right?” He glanced back up at her, finding regret inside himself the instant he spotted an awkward nervous flush creep across her pale cheeks: visible still, even in the darkness of the corridor. “I don’t mean that rudely…” He let out a sigh, growing tired with conversation, and his feelings, and even the matter of wasting time. “I just. It’s not your business.”

“Okay.” Lily gave a sigh, stepping back a little way. She knew wholeheartedly that imposing on Sirius’ privacy or making him significantly uncomfortable was exactly the last thing she wanted to do in all of this. It wasn’t a self indulgent persistent bid for knowledge, to everything of everyone, of the entire world, but to help, to help pick up the pieces the best she could. “You  _ definitely _ don’t have to talk to me about it, I never meant to make you feel like you had to. I’m just… I feel like there’s something bothering you, like properly bothering you. And I mean… James is hardly the best at giving advice is he? I was just hoping to help you a little.”

Sirius’ expression eased back into one of a smile. With that, Lily seemed to relax back into her bones again, her heart sitting still inside her chest for just a brief moment. “Yeah.” He nodded in response, pulling his gaze back towards the Potions classroom, and the hallway before it, which was now entirely devoid of students, leaving him to wonder just where his friends had reckoned he’d gotten off to. “I just…” He shook his head meekly. “I don’t want to talk. Not now, at least.”

With that, she offered him a smile - the best she could fake, and pushed her concerns back up inside her own head for another day, for the next time it got all too much, and hoped that things didn’t fall to pieces soon rather than later. 

The two had come to a vague understanding at least - they had a certain degree of trust in one another.  It was at least, with that understanding and that trust, that they finally made their way to their next classes - Lily to Arithmancy, and Sirius to Care of Magical Creatures - growing swiftly past five minutes late by now. However, with all on their minds, that bore little concern to either of them, not even Lily, which certainly served to be a stark first.

-

From the look in James Potter’s eyes it was as if his whole life had been leading up to this very moment, and perhaps from all the time he had spent focusing on it over the past week or so, he might as well have. Still, it all felt as if it held so much more weight, that it was all so much more important, so much more real, when it lingered before him, right above his eyes, just minutes away.

He paced anxiously up and down the changing room connected to the Quidditch pitch, the Gryffindor team looking up at him with trusting, expectant eyes, as their match against Hufflepuff loomed just minutes ahead of them. James found that despite how much of a fuss he’d always insisted in making about it, the fact that he was the  _ captain _ of the team seemed to only just have hit him - properly at least. He had been content to gloat about the glory and merit such a title brought forth upon him, but when it came to the responsibility and pressure of it all - the trust held in the eyes of each member of his team, he wasn’t quite so bubbly and over confident.

Largely, it was just nervous: a mess of nerves that pacing definitely hadn’t helped - the kind of mess he’d tied himself up into inside his own head, because of course, he was  _ James Potter _ , they were the  _ Gryffindor _ quidditch team; in his mind there was no doubt about the fact that they would be winning against Hufflepuff. He found himself believing it so wholeheartedly that he struggled to even decipher as to whether it had originally stemmed from logic and reason - a rational confidence in their abilities as a team pitted against that of Hufflepuff’s, or just the cocky, unmissable kind of arrogance that had become much of a staple of his being.

Thankfully, he reckoned that he didn’t quite have time to fully figure that out. Especially as he knew that what he should have been doing was talking to his team, addressing them with strategy and tactics and reminders for the game - to go through Hufflepuff’s weaknesses and strengths, to better their chance of victory, in fact, to ensure it. 

Indeed, up in his head, James was doing just that, and the whole team were clapping and cheering for him, they were winning the House Cup, Dumbledore had ordered a marble statue to be built in his honour and erected at the entrance to the pitch, and of course, Lily Evans was kissing him. Whereas in reality, it very much seemed like the likelihood of all of those things coming true was just about as equally unlikely.

As the silence in the room grew painful, stretching so thin that it was beginning to crack, not just in two, but sporadically in dozens, perhaps even hundreds, of places, Sirius finally stood up. He met James’ eyes, having long recognised the anxiety hidden away inside them, and came to take matters into his own hands. Sirius climbed up onto the bench, addressing the room on his feet, sweeping his hair back out of his face before he came to substitute James’ lack of any motivation or convincing incentive to actually give it their all out there.

“Right.” He began, his gaze sweeping the room, and locking slowly which each and every member of the team. He was at least glad to say that he at least tolerated every single member of the time, and in most of their cases, he did indeed genuinely  _ like _ them as people. “Quidditch.”

“Quidditch.” James repeated, suddenly come to conclude that perhaps this might be something worth both his input and attention, seeing as he was the designated team captain, and Sirius was just his vaguely disgruntled best friend, sticking a hand out to him for help as he did his best to put his head back together.

There was a vague consensus of barely amused laughter from the team, who looked mostly appreciative of the fact that someone had finally stood up and said something. The atmosphere of the room had been shockingly different to that of what the Gryffindor tower usually was, and very much the same was said for the dynamic of the team, and it had all begun to feel that awful bit unnatural. Which certainly hadn’t been doing wonders when it came to calming anyone’s nerves.

“So, we’re gonna beat Hufflepuff.” Sirius continued, his tone less arrogant than James’ might have been, but more so aimed in the direct of persuasion: upon the consensus that repeating words aloud with a believable conviction would lead others to eventually take it as the truth he wished it to be.

“We are.” James added, stepping calming into his new self appointed position as official Gryffindor team pre match pep talk echo. He did need to ensure that everyone got the full meaning of everything Sirius was saying, despite the fact that Sirius was speaking really rather loudly and clear in an otherwise silent room. The main truth to it all was simply the fact that he felt a little awkward just standing there saying nothing at all, even if he did find that he suddenly had so little to add, for what might have been the first time in his life.

“And how are we going to do that?” Sirius asked, attracting the eye contact of the majority of the room, before extending his finger out to point at one of their chasers - a skinny, blonde haired third year girl. “Amy?”

She looked up at him, glancing momentarily between James and Sirius like she’d quite forgotten just who it was that was actually supposed to be in charge of this team in the first place, before deciding that perhaps it didn’t matter all that much and answering Sirius regardless. “We’re gonna catch the snitch, and we’re not going to let them get the quaffle through the hoops too many times.”

“Too many times?” James finally found that he had something to contribute, or at least that perhaps Sirius’ speech had actually been convincing enough to bring his confidence flooding right back through his veins. That had to be a good sign at least. “We’re not going to let them get it through at all.”

Sirius clapped his best friend as if he’d just announced he’d discovered the eighth wonder of the world or something like that, but regardless of whether he was overreacting or not, the rest of the team did join in, so that had to count for something at least. “Hufflepuff are going to lose with zero points!” He practically yelled across the room.

The majority of the team began to cheer, clap, and chant his words back to him, or some messy combination of the three. It was with that which Sirius came to accept that he’d had his moment of glory, and set back down, glancing up at the clock in the corner of the room, signifying that they had little more than a minute remaining before they were due out on the pitch. 

He took this time to pull his hair, now growing longer than ever as it stretched out past his shoulders, up into what was easily the world’s shoddiest bun. As pathetic as it looked, he came to accept that it really wasn’t about his hair, but about whether they won the match or not, and when it came to that, how bad it might have looked really was irrelevant.

It was as James decided the past way to spend the remainder of their time was to run around the room high fiving, fist bumping, and complimenting each member of their team individually, of course all at top speed, considering that he had very little time in which to do this in at all, that Sirius found his gaze wandering, and that he came to lock eyes with Marlene McKinnon. Marlene had huddled herself into the corner of the room: her knees brought up to her chest, and her hair pushed out of her face in a ponytail. 

There was something about her though that Sirius couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was perhaps the simple fact that he struggled to put his finger on it in the first place that highlighted it to him, because although he wasn’t at all sure of its true nature, he knew that it demanded some kind of importance, and might have perhaps been something he would have sat and worried about, if the match wasn’t about to begin in no more than thirty seconds.

She seemed to regard him with an unnerving kind of curiosity: a darker look hidden deep within her eyes, that seemed to twist and bubble like the contents of a cauldron, drawing him in across the room, in a dozen shades of a golden caramel hazel tone. It came to the point where Sirius was just about ready to properly confront her about it, but it was at that exact moment that a whistle was blown from outside and the whole team instinctively leapt up from the benches, knowing that this was it: the game was about to begin.

-

The sunlight hit the quidditch pitch in a million shades of a pearlescent gold, casting great shadows up over the stands, even to largely disfigure the faces of the majority of the Hufflepuff supporters, as their faces were rendered darker and unrecognisable amidst the shadows. Remus thought that this might have been for the best, deciding that glimpsing a snivelling kind of delight from the majority of Hufflepuff house if the match began to turn in their favour was hardly a particularly appealing way to spend an afternoon.

He found that as much as he was patriotic to his house, he wasn’t all so very fussed with the House Cup so much, which was likely due to the fact that his interest for quidditch stretched about as far as attractive looking players in nicely fitting robes. Despite this, he was still very much prepared to watch the match with baited brief, depending on Gryffindor’s victory to save himself from a few days filled entirely with whining and self pity from both James and Sirius. In all honesty, Remus didn’t quite think he was prepared to put up with that at all, and was more than prepared to just go and hide away in the library for a week until it blew over.

The more he thought about it though, he reckoned that in the case of a Gryffindor victory, things would hardly be as peaceful as he would have liked, as there would of course be endless celebrations in Gryffindor tower afterwards. Additionally, there was also the possibility that James might gloat and brag so much that he drove Remus to murdering him. There was that too. Still, Remus figured that he’d much prefer endless gloating and celebrations that ensured he’d hardly get anything in the way of sleep for the week that followed to a seemingly eternal bout of whining and self pity.

As he glanced to his left, he came to wonder if allowing Peter to borrow his binoculars might have been a mistake, as from the way things were looking, the things were just about glued to his face, and the likelihood seemed to be that Remus just might not be getting them back any time soon. He concluded that it wasn’t all that much of a concern though - they had decently good seats, after all. That was only due to the fact that Lily had saved the seats for them of course, as Remus and Peter had managed to actually get into the stands almost exceptionally late, but Remus reckoned that was hardly the point. They had got there before the match had started and that was all that counted.

The very moment that Peter turned to mutter something to Remus that the whistle was blown and both the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff teams began to make their way onto the pitch. For a minute they looked like gods, glistening in the bright sunlight, that almost seemed to cast diamonds into their skin. The image made Remus smile, deciding that this was certain to be a good omen - a sign that they might indeed win the match before them. 

Well, it was either that or the fact that Remus just got incredibly gay whenever he looked at Sirius Black, who he agreed looked equally as handsome even as the clouds moved to cover the sun, plummeting the pitch into one vast, dull shadow. He did have to admit that their luck didn’t seem equally as spectacular when it was cast in shades of darkened grey, which made quick work of replicating itself across the skies, speaking only of an afternoon of cold winds and rainstorms. All in all, they weren’t exactly perfect conditions for a quidditch pitch. Still, Remus had his hopes; they were only playing Hufflepuff, after all.

Within minutes, the players had mounted their brooms, shooting high into the air as they awaited the blow of the whistle to signify the match’s beginning. Both seekers eyed the snitch with the utmost of focus, watching for the very moment it left Madame Hooch’s hands, to follow it as it whizzed off up into the air, losing it up amidst the stormy skies, yet still they both definitely had a direction in which to aim once the whistle was blown.

The other players had their gazes fixed upon those of the opposition, taking in each and every player that sat upon their broomstick, just metres away from them now. One by one, each player scanned the opposition, focusing upon the burly framed beaters and the slight jeers that seemed to captured on their faces, before moving forth to the three chasers, watching the quick darting motion of their eyes and coming to imagine that the way they flew would be much the same. Finally, gaze settled on each team’s keeper, who hovered just before the hoops, with a look of equal determination in both of their eyes.

From appearances, things seemed pretty even, and as fair as Remus had to accept that was, he found himself thoroughly unable to offer any commendation on the basis of fair play, because despite the person he was certain that he was, he couldn’t help but wish the odds had come out swinging just that little bit more in Gryffindor’s favour.

“We’ve got a good chance.” Lily announced, leaning closer to Remus to ensure that he heard her over the roars of the crowd, which only seemed to grow louder and louder the longer the tension grew, as the whole of the pitch and the stands combined awaited the blow of the whistle that would begin the match.

“You think?” Remus raised his eyebrows in response, agreeing that they definitely did have a  _ good _ chance, but really nothing more than that at all. To him, loss seemed a just as likely possibility.

“Yeah. We have.” She nodded, tucking her long copper coloured hair behind her ears, as to ensure that she couldn’t miss the beginning of the match, even if her hair did fall across her face. As much as she was ‘certain’ that she disliked James Potter she did find herself awfully keen to watch him play and soar off into the grey skies after the snitch.

“Trust me.” Lily added, seeming to be more in the form of an afterthought than anything else. Still, it did count for something in convincing Remus who found that he had come to pretty much trust Lily Evans with his entire life over the years. He also reckoned that she seemed to know a decent amount more about quidditch than he did.

Before he quite got the chance to respond, the whistle was blown: a shrill cry erupting across the pitch and echoing through the stands. From then on, not a single second was wasted before the players kicked off; the two seekers - James and Ben, the tall dark haired boy who played for Hufflepuff - shot off upwards, flying almost in a directly vertical line towards the sky, and for the first minute of the match, everyone’s eyes were fixated upon them as they ascended into the sky. Gazes were only torn away as the two disappeared amidst the clouds and the grey tones of the sky, growing small up above the pitch and extremely difficult to make it, but of course the snitch was even more impossible still.

It was once the two seekers were obscured from the view of the stands that attention was turned back to the pitch - to the keepers guarding their own hoops with definite looks of valor in their eyes, to the two beaters on either team who flew around the perimeter of the pitch, watching the bludgers carefully, quickly darting after them the moment either one flew dangerously close to the members of their own team, ready to hit it back towards the opposition.

The main focus of the match was currently the three chasers on either team and how they moved quickly about the pitch in pursuit of the quaffle, eager to get it into their hands, past the opposition’s keeper and through the hoops in order to score some points for their team. Currently, the quaffle was in the hands of an auburn haired Hufflepuff girl who flew out across the pitch, flying higher to avoid Gryffindor’s chasers as she made her way towards the hoops, desperate to score the first points for Hufflepuff with her other two chasers flanked out beside her.

The Gryffindor chasers darted quickly to their own hoops, situating themselves in a triangular formation around their keeper. As the Hufflepuff girl approached the hoops, she swerved past the chaser to the left - a skinny fourth year boy who was surprisingly talented despite how unathletic he looked. Her actions were in a very quick succession: swerve, dodge, throw. In moving so quickly, she found herself stumbling a little and her throw falling astray, away from the hoops, not even to be caught by the keeper, but to fall easily into the hands of the chaser who had guarded the top of the hoops.

The Gryffindor supporters were quick to erupt into a frantic mess of cheering as the announcer’s voice boomed over the quidditch pitch, detailing the events for anyone that had managed to miss them. “Henman had the quaffle, she made a shot for the hoops, but McKinnon caught it. Gryffindor has the quaffle and they’re taking it quickly across the pitch. Can Hufflepuff keep them from scoring?”

Marlene’s movements were so fast and coordinated that it appeared as if her journey from one end of the pitch to the other had been a precise routine she’d practiced for weeks. All three of the Hufflepuff chasers had been counting on the fact that the quaffle would go through the hoops, and hadn’t accommodated for following it quickly back across the pitch, and as such lagged a sizeable distance behind Marlene, who was now fast approaching the hoops, and with only the keeper defending them.

It was also her own team, the other two of her chasers who remained back at their own end of the pitch. However she was well aware of the fact that she had no time to wait for them; she had one shot to get the quaffle past the keeper and into the hoops before the rest of the Hufflepuff team caught up to her and stopped the quaffle in its tracks. 

Within seconds, the announcer’s voice boomed across the pitch once more. “McKinnon has successfully got the quaffle through the hoops. That’s ten points to Gryffindor!” There was a mess of boos and yelling from the Hufflepuff supporters as the the score was adjusted to display a great golden number ten to Gryffindor, alongside a measly zero for Hufflepuff. The Gryffindor supporters found their cheers drowning out the rest of the noise with ease, however.

Remus couldn’t help but grin, getting to his feet and cheering along with Peter, who he was pretty sure had never been quite so excited in his life, despite the fact that this was only the quaffle, and in the scheme of things hardly a massive amounts of points that they’d scored. He struggled to imagine what state he’d be in if they caught the snitch, and imagined that Peter might go as far as to get down on his knees and begin to weep with excitement.

“Told you.” Lily leaned close to him, practically screaming the words into Remus’ ear in order to assure that she heard him over the shrieking from the stands. “We’re off to a good start.” She continued as he turned to meet her, smile yet to have faded from his face.

Remus did indeed have to admit that she seemed to be right, but still, that was ten points, and a ten points that might as well have been nothing in the grand scheme of things. However, he definitely found no reason for that to stop him for celebrating, and found himself nodding eagerly across at Lily, certain that making his voice heard in the mess of noise that surrounded them was just entirely too much effort.

“Gryffindor!” Peter screamed out, leaning forward so much he seemed close to falling from the stands and out onto the pitch itself. Remus didn’t imagine that’d be a very pleasant sight to see, and that in the case of such an accident they might stop the match entirely, which really wouldn’t be any good for anyone, so he reached an arm out to Peter’s chest and dragged him back towards his seat.

“You’re gonna fall, Pete.” Remus met the displeased look in his friend’s eyes with one of caution. All in all, Peter seemed far too caught up in the excitement of the match and the celebration of their ten point lead, to find himself with much of any form of regard for his health and safety at all.

“I’m not gonna-” Peter protested, his face growing a little red as he turned to pit his argument properly to Remus’ face, despite the fact that Remus was now around a foot taller than him, which never failed in ensuring that any face to face discussion between them was made just that little bit comical.

However, it wasn’t their difference in height that cut him off this time, but the boom of the announcer’s voice, cutting sharply through the afternoon air, coming to describe the events that Remus had managed to miss amidst preventing Peter from falling to his death.

“That’s ten points to Hufflepuff. A clean throw through the hoops from Hufflepuff chaser Darren Billings.” It was then Hufflepuff’s turn to overthrow the stadium with their screams and yells of excitement. Peter hung his head low with disappointment, and didn’t seem to care very much at all when Remus turned to remind him that it was only ten points and that the two teams were still at a draw.

-

The match had gone on in much the same fashion for the thirty minutes that followed: ten points to Gryffindor, followed by ten points to Hufflepuff, followed by ten points to Gryffindor, followed by ten points to Hufflepuff - all again and again. Neither team had been successful in breaking out of a tie, as it was proved that the teams were just as evenly matched as Remus had initially made them out to be. 

In fact, it all seemed to grow a little tiresome once the scores had reached sixty all, and a lot of the attention had turned away from the constant back and forth between the chasers of the two teams, coming instead to focus perhaps on the beaters and their constant attempts to keep the bludgers away from the members of their own team, which had all very much succeed so far, which some might have argued was a bit dull.

The rest of the attention was shifted upwards once again, watching the silhouettes of the two seekers chasing each other across the skies, so very desperately in search of the golden snitch even after a good half an hour had passed. Still, they were very much difficult to make out from the stands, and it was only those with binoculars that were managing to catch any of the action from up there, as the rest of the crowd remained focused on the pitch below, and the announcer continued to commentate on frantic passing of the quaffle back and forth between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.

Peter was however one of the lucky few with a set of binoculars, (even if they were in fact Remus’) and in turn, with his eyes fixated carefully on his best friend James Potter, watching as he swooped and turned throughout the sky, seeming to be just that little bit ahead of the Hufflepuff seeker, who Peter struggled to recall the name of.

He found himself seconds away from nudging Remus’ shoulder and offering him back his own binoculars in order to catch a glimpse of the action up there, describing in detail how he reckoned James to be in the lead up there. That was all before the world seemed to stop and shiver for a moment, Peter’s stomach dropping in his chest as James began to drop from the skies in a bullet like descent. His eyes grew wide as he watched with the utmost excitement, following James down through the cloud cover, hearing the crowd roar as he became visible again, and Peter finally tore the binoculars away from his eyes as James dashed in one straight line across to the Gryffindor end of the pitch.

The dark haired Hufflepuff seeker was seconds behind him, having followed James down from the skies in pursuit of the snitch. His descent had been much less spectacular, and it became evident even to Remus, who knew next to nothing of quidditch, that James definitely had the edge when it came to experience compared to his Hufflepuff counterpart. However Remus found that he was left with little time to thoroughly pit the playing styles of the two against one another as it soon became clear as to just what James had flown so swiftly off after.

“James Potter, Gryffindor seeker, is in fast pursuit of the snitch!” The announcer’s voice echoed around the stands, ensuring that every pair of eyes were most certainly fixated on the two seekers, and the golden snitch, whizzing around the Gryffindor hoops, not so far out of James’ reach by now. “He’s followed closed by Ben Rutherford for Hufflepuff.” There was a great shriek from the Hufflepuff stands, urging Rutherford on to dart past James and steal the snitch from his grasp.

To their dismay, however, no such thing happened, and Peter felt his heart coming to a complete standstill in his chest as James himself flew through one of the hoops, curling his fingers tightly around the snitch, glistening like silky gossamer as the clouds finally parted, allowing the sun to shine down across the pitch.

The game came to a stand still, with James hovering beside the hoops, snitch still in hand, and Ben Rutherford from Hufflepuff, just moments away from catching him, as Sirius had swooped in, half hell bent on knocking him from his broom with his bat instead. As the whistle was blown, and one hundred and fifty points was added to Gryffindor’s total of seventy, the crowd fell into a mess of cheers and boos. Once again, however, the cheering from Gryffindor definitely overpowered the scowls and cries from Hufflepuff and their supporters.

“James Potter has caught the snitch.” The announcer’s voice rang out as confirmation. “That’s one hundred and fifty points he’s scored for Gryffindor, which means they’ve won with two hundred and twenty points to Hufflepuff’s seventy!”

Lily flashed Remus an ‘I told you so’ glance amidst the screaming and celebration, but Remus decided that he was just far too happy with their victory to allow himself to bicker with her about it. After all, maybe Lily Evans did just tend to be right about certain things, and maybe this had happened to be one of them.

-

Remus found that he had been entirely correct in his suspicions regarding the kind of rowdy and reckless celebrations that would follow Gryffindor’s victory. He was sure the common room had never been quite this crowded and quite so loud; James very much seemed to find that his captainship had placed most of the responsibility for their victory onto him, and he definitely didn’t find himself faltering when it came to celebrating in style.

He sat himself down on one of the sofas in the center of the room, squashed up between Alice and Peter, along with several other people all crowded onto on a sofa that should really only seat three - perhaps four, if you were pushing it, but certainly not seven. As he watched James progress from one stupid idea to the next, he came to wonder if James had actually been much more prepared for the afterparty to celebrate their victory as opposed to the match itself. That was of course a desperately idiotic kind of conceited but still Remus couldn’t help but grin at the notion, because nothing else had ever been quite so ridiculously  _ James Potter _ .

Sirius stood beside the rather large, circular coffee table that lay between two sofas that faced one another, one of which Remus found himself sitting on, along with what really did seem to be the whole of fifth year. His arms were outstretched across to the other side of the room, as if he was waiting for someone to place something within them. Curiosity sparked by his own confusion, Remus followed Sirius’ gaze over to the back corner of the room, where James was retrieving another, smaller coffee table, and rather clumsily carrying it over to Sirius.

Remus couldn’t help but wince, head turned over his shoulder, as he watched James accidentally swing a table leg right into a first year boy’s head. The kid didn’t seem all that fussed however, and for a moment even seemed honoured to have been hit by the leg of the table that James Potter, Gryffindor quidditch team captain, was carrying across the room. The notion had Remus rolling his eyes, because James was certainly the last person in the entire world that needed any form of ego boost, and still, despite the fact that it was largely common knowledge, as the afternoon dragged on into the evening and the common room was lit with the golden glow of candlelight, James Potter was treated almost like a god.

As he pulled his gaze back to the table that remained situated on the floor just before Remus, he caught Sirius’ eyes, which almost seemed to glisten in the light, as if they were dispensing moonlight in a similarly godly bubble around him. However, Sirius wasn’t the quidditch team captain, Sirius was just attractive -  _ unfairly _ attractive, and Remus’ heart had done not one but two somersaults in his chest by the time Sirius finally turned away to focus on James.

It took Remus a moment to figure out just what on earth his friends were doing, and came close to turning to Peter for his input, but found that Peter was very much invested a box of chocolates that he’d managed to acquire from somewhere. Then it wasn’t long until the pieces slotted together, and the two boys pushed the table on top of the one that already lay between the sofas, yet it wasn’t until Sirius helped James climb to the top of the two tables that Remus really began to cringe.

The room around him however, had descended into cheering and furious clapping that seemed to much more resemble a non-verbal chant that anything else. Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes, holding up a hand to cover his face and hoping that James didn’t fall and break his leg, at least not until the younger students had gone up to bed, because Remus reckoned that there were just some things you didn’t need to see at the age of eleven.

“Let me tell you something, Gryffindor!” James’ voice came out in a loud yell, having managed to acquire all the confidence in the world in the space of the past five minutes. “We’re going to win the house cup.” He continued to say, gaining cheers of approval from the crowd as he glanced around, taking care to lock eyes with what seemed to be every single person in the room. “Do you want to know why I know that for sure?”

He took the general consensus of yelling and clapping from the crowd to be a ‘yes’. Not that it counted for all that much anyway, because James was already firmly set on telling everyone just why he thought what he did, regardless of whether anybody wanted to hear it or not. If there was one thing James was good at, besides quidditch and a decent amount of his subjects, it was talking endlessly and with an exceptional amount of enthusiasm, even when he knew no one really cared or was properly listening to him at all. Remus had to agree that it was both admirable and excruciating.

“Because I  _ knew _ we were going to win that match, and we  _ did _ . And I know with that very same kind of knowing that we’re going to win the house cup!” He held his hand up in celebration, glancing down at the ground, almost as if he was suddenly quite unsure as to how he was supposed to get down now that Sirius had slunk over to that back wall of the room, with his gaze lost somewhere out of the window instead of fixated on James. There was no doubt in Remus’ mind that this was all very odd.

Before Remus could quite decide what he might do about the Sirius situation, or perhaps helping James down from the odd mountain of tables he’d made for him, the cheering grew quieter in order to make way for a second voice. It was that of a sixth year student: long limbed and exceedingly thin, appearing as if he hadn’t grown at all, but had just been gradually stretched upwards.

“How does that count for anything?” He flicked his brown hair out of his face, brushing his fringe away from his eyes as he angled his head up towards James. “That’s just you being a cocky shit, isn’t it? You don’t know anything at all.”

“I’m  _ sorry _ .” James exclaimed, finding that he was suddenly rather glad he hadn’t managed to yet come down from the stack of tables he’d gotten onto, because the moment the sixth year student stood up, he realised that he was awfully tall - significantly more than James would normally be, perhaps even taller than Remus, who seemed as if he might never stop growing. “I didn’t know you were a vital part of the quidditch team. I didn’t know  _ you _ had any idea about our match strategy and our game playing tactics.”

“I didn’t know that you could be quite that arrogant at fifteen. Does anyone else really  _ trust _ that you know you’re going to win? Everyone’s just hoping and putting their bets on this cocky shit.” His retort was instant and the room was quick to fall into silence: all eyes fixated upon the pair. 

That was all eyes besides Sirius’, who still lingered beside the window at the back of the room, and as Remus momentarily glanced back over towards him, he found that Sirius gaze was more vacant than anything else. He found himself desperate to escape the immediate conflict before him; he was fairly certain that James had enough arrogance to keep him going well enough, but he found himself rather quickly concerned that Sirius might fade away into the wall itself over there.

Remus’ attention was quickly captured and brought right back to what lay ahead of him by a third voice, much more familiar than the second had been. “He’s the cocky shit that captained the team that won us a match. He’s the cocky shit that  _ caught _ the snitch. That got us one hundred and fifty points. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you out there contributing at all, did I?”

James practically fainted off the two tables as he came to realise that Lily Evans had just stood up for him. She got up from the sofa, staring across at the sixth year, her hair falling behind her in red streaks that seemed to burn like fire in the sudden silence of the room. “Yeah.” James nodded, glaring back at the sixth year boy, finding that under the circumstances, he could come up with very little else of merit.

“Get your girlfriend to defend you, why don’t you?” The sixth year boy rolled his eyes, storming up the dormitory stairs in disgust, all before Lily could met him with a desperate cry of ‘James Potter is  _ not _ my boyfriend’.

Once his footsteps had faded out into mere echoes, the room fell silent. Lily locked eyes with James, just for a moment, before reaching out an arm to him as he stumbled down from the tables, only managing to step on one person’s foot as he did so.

“That was a great game, you know?” Lily turned to address James as the room fell back into a general mess of celebration and chatter. His face grew red, realising that they were still stood so desperately close to one another, and that he was in fact still grabbing onto her wrist, despite the fact that he was now safely on the floor again.

“Thanks.” He nodded in response, unable to stop a grin settling proudly upon his lips. “Thanks for telling that guy to fuck off as well. I mean I  _ totally _ could have handled it, but you know, thanks-”

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes, desperate to stop him from spoiling what might have been a relatively pleasant moment. “You are going to get that house cup, you know? Trust me on that one. I always said you’d win that match as well. Didn’t I, Remus?” She raised her voice, turning to where Remus had once been sat, but found that he was nowhere to be found. “Where is he?”

“He’s…” James trailed off, quickly scanning the room, before outstretching one hand and pointing to the window in the furthest corner of the room. “He’s there. They both are.”

Lily followed his gaze, allowing her eyes to settle on Remus and Sirius stood by the window. Even from the distance, she could tell that their eyes were solely fixated on no one but each other. She couldn’t help but let out a sigh, wondering what quiet one on one conversations in the corner away from everyone else, what those looks in their eyes, might all one day amount to. There was a look in James’ eyes that spoke of him perhaps wondering an awfully similar thing.

Across the room, Remus had pulled very little of merit from Sirius, who remained with his back pinned to the wall and feet kicking almost anxiously at the ground. There was no question about the fact that there was indeed something up with him, and the both of them knew that. Yet still, the both of them knew that it just wasn’t a thing that Sirius was perhaps willing to share.

Instead, Remus watched Sirius with bright, concerned, yet loving eyes, tracing patterns into the wall with his fingertips like he might dream of tracing into Sirius’ back. He did yearn to know just what it was that was bothering the boy, but he quickly found himself growing content with quiet, with calm, with shared steady breaths, and a look in Sirius’ eyes that might suggest he wanted to sneak off for a while, so Remus could sit and smoke somewhere, just the two of them. 

After all, what time they couldn’t fill with conversation, they could fill with the complicated kind of looks and the steady exhalation of smoke into the cold evening air.

-

One person who was not up in the Gryffindor common room amidst the after victory celebrations was Marlene McKinnon. That by itself was all in all very odd, especially considering the fact that Marlene played on the team, and had scored at least forty points for Gryffindor throughout the match. It wasn’t as odd however, once it was pitted against the grand scheme of things, and the overall mess of things strewn throughout her life and her head. Quidditch based celebrations felt like nothing in comparison to meeting with Narcissa, and that was exactly what she did.

Marlene had spent a good portion of the game simply searching for Narcissa’s face in the crowd, as she had promised Marlene just the night before that she would indeed be there, but Marlene had not once managed to make her out in the ground. It upset her a little, as much as she had to accept that Narcissa might have come across something entirely more important that immediately required her attention. Still, it hurt. It hurt and it dug into Marlene, right under her skin like hundreds of sharp fingernails.

The two had agreed to meet as darkness swept the skies, blanketing the world in an extra layer of secrecy and protection, so it was as the skies fell from a vivid blue to a stormy grey, that Marlene made her way out of Gryffindor tower and down into the grounds, coming to meet Narcissa by an ancient, rugged, oak tree growing by the bank of the lake.

Narcissa was already there by the time Marlene had arrived, eyes glazed over as her gaze drifted across the lake, and the water that had now turned an inky shade of black.

“You weren’t at the match today.” Marlene began, eyeing Narcissa cautiously, hoping to hold some form of eye contact with her, but finding that such a thing seemed almost impossible; it was evident early on that something was up with Narcissa.

“I wasn’t.” Narcissa nodded, letting out a sigh that seemed so forced that Marlene began to suspect she’d taken it merely for the sake of it and little more.

“Why not?” Marlene couldn’t help the way her voice quavered slightly, longing to dissect the intense look darkening in Narcissa’s eyes as they drifted out across the lake and over to the skyline. “You said you’d come.”

“People say a lot of things.” Narcissa told her, largely unperturbed by just about anything Marlene had to throw at her. “Doesn’t mean anything.” She let out a sigh, this time with just that little bit more meaning, as she finally turned and caught Marlene’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I’m just… everything’s fucked really, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I was hoping I’d have some time to get into Malfoy’s room and have a look for anything of use, but he’d locked everything away. Like he’d knew I’d come. It’s bullshit. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Listen to Malfoy and give up.” Marlene knew her suggestion would hardly even be acknowledged, let alone adhered to, the very moment it had come to mind, but still she persisted, letting the words slip her lips, and all perhaps in the pursuit of wasting time, of letting another night slip by around them, just so they didn’t have to the hard, uncomfortable conversations, because Marlene was tired, exhausted even. It was in that moment that Marlene first wondered just what it would have been like if she’d stayed up in Gryffindor tower and let the rest of the world get on without her.

“I’m not going to do that.” Narcissa told her, rather plainly, but much more calmly than she had anticipated. As the silence continued on between them, Narcissa moved to sit down beneath the tree, stretching her legs out towards the lake.

“I know.” Marlene nodded a response - several minutes late, but it was of course, better late than never. She did find herself questioning the logic behind that saying as she took the liberty of joining Narcissa at the foot of the tree.

“Not ever.” Narcissa repeated, voice growing louder in the darkness, and seeming to bounce and ripple across the lake, the world beginning to absorb her words fully as if they might hold more than thoughts and sounds.

Marlene gave her a nod in response, and the two sat like that - entirely too close together, watching the night cling to the world around them like thick black smoke with a grip stronger than that of steel. As much as they both had little else to say for themselves, neither girl found herself particularly inclined to make her way back to her respective dormitory quite yet. The two came to wonder as to how long that ‘quite yet’ might pan out for; as ridiculous as it sounded, there was something in the air that cried out for forever - forever, despite all the odds.

-

Sirius might have ended up a little bit drunk. Maybe more than a little bit. He wasn’t entirely sure. What he did know that he was at that stage of drunk where he wasn’t entirely sure about anything, and there was this nagging feeling at the back of his mind, telling him that just  _ had _ to be more than a little bit. Sirius chose to ignore it. He found that he’d become very good at ignoring things, for instance, his family, his sexuality, the advice of his friends.

There was a world in which Sirius Black hadn’t ended up quite a bit more than a little bit drunk, stumbling down from Gryffindor tower and into the grounds at eleven that night. It was a world in which perhaps he had listened to Lily Evans that time she’d cornered him after Potions, because as uncomfortable as everything did make him, she was Lily, and she was kind, and trustworthy, and for the most part, tended to know what she was talking about. 

It was also a world in which his head hadn’t seemed to detach from his body entirely the very moment he’d gotten off his broom after the match. There had been such a focus amidst the match, in the process of helping his team succeed, that everything else had fallen out of the window. However, the very moment his feet had hit the ground once more, he found everything to come crashing down back on him.

He’d been okay earlier, but as the evening had gone on, everything had just gotten worse as it spun furiously around his head. He’d found himself content standing awkwardly around James and smiling at people, only to then find himself thrown to the back corner of the room. He’d almost hated how much Remus had really cared about him, and for how long Remus had sat with him, even in the thickest, suffocating blanket of silence. Eventually, however, eventually,  _ of course _ , Lily had caught Remus’ attention from across the room, and Sirius had caught the attention of the door, sneaking out as all eyes had finally left him.

From there, with little better of an idea as to where he might go, he found himself down in the grounds, stumbling a little as he walked, which was entirely down to the alcohol, as it was entirely his fault. A part of him came to regret letting James talk to that seventh year about getting them some drink to celebrate with, but that part of him was largely overshadowed in his current state of mind.

He’d come in search of silence, of solitude, of his own dark corner to curl up in, and the safety of peace of mind. It was that which left his heart plummeting through his chest and down into the pit of his stomach as he approached the lake and caught sight of two figures sat against the tree. Of course, sat just precisely where he had intended to sit, as if just to rub it in. Sirius found that he didn’t quite know what to do about his situation, and instead just resorted to standing still, and staring at them in the darkness from a few metres away.

Within a minute or so, the two came to notice him, and it was as they noticed him, that his brain seemed to push itself back into gear once more and he came to recognise them; despite what seemed like all odds, sat before him, at the foot of the tree, were Marlene McKinnon and Narcissa Black. He couldn’t even begin to wonder what Marlene might want with his cousin, especially not in his current state of mind, where he struggled to even begin to wonder anything.

“Sirius?” Marlene was the first to speak: looking up at him in awe, like she’d quite forgotten that he actually did exist. “What are you…?” She trailed off, glancing over at Narcissa, who appeared to already have a much better grip on the conversation, despite the fact that a single word was still yet to slip her lips.

“Sirius.” Narcissa’s tone was much more blunt, and deliberately so. Sirius was left to wonder what could possibly be to come as his cousin got to her feet, stepping forward and meeting him with an oddly comforting kind of look, despite the dark, furrowed kind of determination set deeply into her eyes. “Fuck discretion. Fuck all of that. It’s gone on far too long, it’s all gone on far too fucking long. What the fuck is happening with you? What’s happening at home? What’s happening with our family?” She let out a sigh. “It’s important.  _ Please _ .”

Perhaps it was alcohol, but suddenly there was something in Sirius’ head that prohibited her words from hitting him seemingly anywhere near as hard as they should have. Instead, he simply stood there, hands shaking for a minute, as he struggled to fit together the pieces that had come to be of that night in August, and of course, nothing was much helped by his current state of mind.

There wasn’t a single bone in his body that particularly yearned to tell her, and there didn’t seem to be a single reason why, but despite that, he found his lips parting, for just as there wasn’t a single reason why he should, there wasn’t a single reason he could summon as to why he shouldn’t. His mind lay, rocking there, back and forth, forever back and forth, between yes and no with no real balance or reason, because in his mind at that minute, his explanation was just words, and it would always just be words as it faded away into the night air.

Coupled with the distinct lack of reality to the world around him, Sirius stepped forward and looked his cousin in the eye like he didn’t half despise her, and turned briefly to Marlene, still sat at the foot of the tree, like she wasn’t just a girl he vaguely knew but someone he trusted entirely. It was just that as the world grew darker and the stars began to come out, accompanying the soon to be full moon, Sirius found all real concept of trust disappearing out into the night around him.

“He killed Uncle Alphard-”

“Your father.” Narcissa cut him off sharply. She hit him with a look. “I know. He killed him. But what else. We need to know why, we need to connect everything around that, because it’s not just a killing - it’s so much more than that. It’s our dead uncle, and your fucked up dad, and the box Malfoy’s hiding inside his room, and just what they were doing in the woods those weeks ago. It’s just what this all means. There’s one driving force behind it all. We don’t need to know what. We need to know  _ why _ .”

Sirius’ eyes grew wide like circles, and he suddenly found his vision fading to a blur. “I don’t know why. He just… they spoke about me… before it happened, my dad wanted to do something with me or for me, I don’t know, but Alphard wouldn’t, he wouldn’t…  _ allow _ it.” He shook his head, tears coming quickly too his eyes as the world suddenly grew too dark and too bright all at the same time, too weak and too strong: too much, and all too little at the same time.

“I don’t know.” He choked out, allowing the world to close back in around him. With a great crash, that was it to that night, as dull blue greys settled to firm, thick shade of black.

-


	15. shit getsssssssssss r e a l

There was something in the back of Sirius’ mind that almost hadn’t quite expected him to wake up again. Perhaps that could serve to explain the surprise that outweighed his confusion as his eyes finally faded back from black, and the warm, more homely than clinical, interior of the hospital wing came into focus.

It was early. He could tell that at least, yet only from the golds and pinks that streaked across the sky from the window across the room. The clock face to his right, however, still remained as little more than a garbled mess, as if not only had his vision faded greatly, he’d managed to completely forget how to read or tell the time too.

But it was early; he clung to what he knew. He clung to the world slowly fading back into focus around him. He clung to what he had, and everything within reach, for he so desperately feared that it might all fade back out around him again. He was yet to make sense of the night before, of his current situation, what had brought him to lay in a bed in the hospital wing, but despite that he definitely couldn’t escape the feeling of dread hanging over his heart like a warrant for his death. Even in his current state, he could perfectly understand what that meant, and it was that understanding which scared him most of all.

He resorted to watching the world for a while, watching the morning grow and the skies become blue, for moving, even slightly, seemed like such a toll and an effort that he shouldn’t even attempt to bother with. He wasn’t sure if it was just his heart or his body that felt heavy too, and that he had faded out into nothing but a whisper of a memory, a fading spirit trapped inside his bones, waiting for dawn to become dusk, for old to become new, waiting for the whole world to pass him by.

That was the thing, even as he only lay there, with his head comfortably against the pillow, watching the sunrise, he felt so trapped, so lost inside himself, and so unreasonably scared, even bordering on terrified, perhaps. It was only worsened by the fact that try as he might, he just couldn’t put it all into words, he just couldn’t explain to himself, rationale was out of reach, and he was drifting away, like a persistent tide, forever just out of your grasp, and then suddenly in chasing the ocean, you were in there waist deep, and all knowledge of how to swim was quick to escape you.

Sirius just didn’t feel like his body anymore. There was a confusion, a separation, a surprise, and he did indeed feel so much more at home with the darkness that came when he closed his eyes. It was however in recognising that he felt a horrible feeling of dread overcome him, seeping up from his gut, and he came to fix his eyes on the sunrise instead, sometimes even going for minutes at a time without blinking.

He was scared. It was all so odd. He was so scared. And it was not just that he didn’t see the end, it was that he’d found himself completely unable to recall just what an end was, or what form it might take, allowing it to completely pass him by forever. Despite his gut feeling, all he wanted in the world was just to close his eyes and let the world sink in around him, let him fall through the water inside his head, soon to drown somewhere at the bottom, because it wasn’t that he no longer needed to breathe air, it was as if he’d forgotten how.

In the end, he did. The waves lapped over him like a gentle breeze, and the sudden emptiness was not overwhelming, but comforting somewhat. Weirdly so.

-

The next time he woke up, he found that he had much more come to expect it. The walls of the hospital wing came back with familiarity, and he came to properly recall this as a place in which he had spent a decent portion of his time in over the past few years. Before it had seemed much more like a distant shadow: a place he might had one day seen in a dream many years ago, or on a page of a storybook when he was a child, but in Sirius’ life there had been few dreams and fewer storybooks, and reality always tasted just as cold and just as bitter. He struggled however to find a proper kind of comfort within it.

Within minutes he saw the world clearly, and the skies outside in shades of bright blue that seemed as if they had been torn right out of an artist’s imitation of a perfect summer day. It didn’t seem quite real. Yet the clocks ticked, the world turned, and he felt his breathing. He quickly became conscious of the steady rise and fall of his chest, and at first he wasn’t for the life of him sure as to why. In the end it came to him. You only came to notice things after their absence. For when the skies were pink and gold and the world was blurry, he was still, and sinking slowly inside himself.

The realisation and the slow putting together of the world around him was smothering, and he felt the need to choke, to cough the world backup, to cough the night back up so he no longer had to live with it. He accomplished neither of those things. He did however manage to sit up in bed, which came simply, and oddly so, considering that before he’d come to accept that he’d almost entirely forgotten how to move at all.

It was with his head up right and a steady flow of air into his lungs that the world finally began to make sense to him. He glanced his surroundings, that had seemed so barren and empty before, but now seemed buzzing in comparison. The hospital wing wasn’t a hub of social activity by any means, but it felt calming, comforting, alive, with the steady milling around of students as they sat beside beds and chatted quietly with their friends who lay in them. The wing was however much more populated than it tended to be, and Sirius quickly came to notice Madame Pomfrey at the end of the room, looking awfully flustered as she searched through a set of shelves on the back wall. He couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for her.

Sirius came to recognise that he wasn’t entirely sure what he should do with himself, if he should attract anyone’s attention, or if he should lay there, and let the world happen around him. The fact was that in all honesty, he didn’t feel particularly  _ ill _ , he just felt a bit weird, fuzzy at the edges, perhaps. In fact he probably needed the toilet more than he needed medical attention at that moment in time, but accepted his place, and that he’d ended up there for a reason. Marlene McKinnon made her way over to him before he could come to much of a significant conclusion anyway.

“You alright?” She grabbed a chair from where they were stacked against the wall, and sat herself down beside his bed, meeting him with the kind of smile that he reckoned he didn’t quite deserve.

“Yeah.” Sirius gave a nod, suddenly feeling very conscious of his current situation, because he didn’t much feel as if he ought to be here, nor did he particularly want to face up to the reason why, for when he pulled his head back to the night before, everything just ached and burned, almost with a bright green light, like the most noxious of flames.

“Do you remember last night at all?” Marlene continued, pulling her gaze over Sirius’ body and taking in his appearance as a whole; his unnaturally pale skin, and the dead look in his eyes, did much to contradict his assertions that he was indeed fine.

Sirius pulled a face, unable to stop himself from treading back to that corner of his mind, and feeling a horrible sickening sensation as he did so. It was as if a certain part of his memory had been forcefully blocked out and covered over with a thick black smoke. He forced his mind back to the present, suddenly cautious of how the sensation was quick to become physically nauseating, and how then he’d actually have a legitimate reason to be kept in the hospital wing.

“Someone spiked the drinks.” She explained, perhaps all too casually, or perhaps all too smugly, considering that she wasn’t affected. That did come to explain the excess of people in the hospital wing that morning. “Lot of people drank a lot. You did. You drank a shit ton. We shouldn’t have had drink at all, so now McGonagall’s found out and she wants to speak to you and James in her office personally. Of course you’re in here, and I think he’s still up in bed, not actually conscious, so that’s on a bit of a delay, but you’re in some shit with that.” Marlene rounded off her explanation with warm, almost bubbly laughter.

Sirous didn’t quite share her amusement in regards to the subject, finding that he’d much rather just go and tell Professor McGonagall to personally go fuck herself. It wasn’t him that had brought the alcohol after all. “That’s fucking lovely.”

Marlene smiled, unable to stop herself from feeling just a little bit sorry for him. “Do you not remember anything else from last night?” She found herself unable to avoid approaching just what she, Sirius, and Narcissa had spoke about just before Sirius had passed out last night. It wasn’t  _ essential _ that he remembered telling them, but it would have helped, as perhaps once sober he wouldn’t be quite so inclined to offer up his darkest secrets to the two of them, despite how much they pleaded and explained the importance of it all to him.

“Nothing.” His response was hesitant, but he got there in the end. “It’s just all hazy… and like black.” He groaned, almost seeming to get a headache just from thinking about it. Or maybe it was just the hangover. He decided to put it down as the hangover - that sort of made him feel better about himself, because this all just felt so ridiculously pathetic, and the last thing he wanted to do was go back to last night and deal with the mess he’d carved out for himself up in his own head, because he’d really done quite the job of it.

“Nothing at all?” Marlene’s eyes widened, unsure just what Sirius meant by that, and finding that it could hardly be good. “I mean, you remember the match, don’t you? And coming up to the common room, and James’ fucking speech on top of two tables, because that was the most ridiculous shit anyone’s ever pulled, I swear to fucking god-”

“Yeah.” Sirius cut her off, nodding almost frantically. “I remember that.” It was along with her recollection of events that he remembered Remus, and the way the two of them had stood together in a painstakingly understanding kind of silence, and how he didn’t want to admit he remembered that at all, because then, perhaps, he just wouldn’t have to think about dealing with it.

“Good.” She let out a sigh, smiling, seemingly very relieved by Sirius’ confirmation. “Remus told me he wants to talk to you about last night, about something ‘between the two of you’.” Marlene raised her eyebrows at that. Sirius’ heart promptly sank to the bottom of his chest.

“Oh.” It came out as more of a desperate gasp for breath than anything else.

“Do you  _ remember _ what happened last night between you and Remus?” A grin made quick work of attaching itself to her face. “Because… honestly what is going on between the two of you. Do you like him? Does he like you? Because I’m feeling it honestly-”

“Marlene…” Sirius let out a dejected kind of sigh, the words ‘I’m straight’ on the very tip of his tongue, but it suddenly hit him how nothing had ever been quite so untrue, and he just couldn’t bring himself to lie to her like that. He shook his head instead. “Nothing’s happened. I was just being a bit quiet. I think he’s worried about me with that. He shouldn’t be, he’s got so much more on his mind right now, and it’s just… it’s not fair.”

“Mhmm?” Marlene smiled at him, almost somehow unconvinced by this all, despite Sirius’ best efforts.

“What?” Sirius retorted, even growing close to agitated at that point. “How do I make that situation sound more heterosexual to you?” He groaned, hiding his head behind his hands, doing his best to physically will the situation away from him. Weirdly enough, it seemed to work.

Marlene got up from her chair and gave him a shrug. “Sorry, I wouldn’t know much about making anything more heterosexual. You should probably ask someone else on that one.”

With that, she was gone before Sirius could quite process just what the fuck she’d said to him, because he didn’t need this dancing around his head amidst everything else, but somehow just how calmly, just how nonchalantly she’d said it brought comfort to him, because suddenly his own sexuality didn’t feel like it held so much of a weight anymore.

-

“Honestly boys, I’m not even sure where to start.”

Both Sirius and James had found themselves perhaps even uncomfortably familiar with the interior of Professor McGonagall’s office over their years at Hogwarts. Despite this, they both found themselves to be thoroughly intrigued by their surroundings on each and every visit - almost as if the paintings scattered across the walls were just so deeply immersive that they couldn’t bare to focus on their head of house for even a moment.

McGonagall wasn’t a stupid woman and had long caught onto this, as she had found spending more time sat in her office with the two boys than she’d ever care to admit. “ _ Black _ .  _ Potter. _ ” She raised her voice, meeting the two with a tone that was far more ferocious than she was. In all honesty, she found herself more utterly baffled than the situation that had been brought to her attention, as opposed to extremely upset by it. “Eyes this way.”

“Sorry, professor.” James pulled his lips up into a smile that could only ever be described as unnecessarily smug; he was desperate and indeed desperately confident that they’d find their way out of this little mess relatively unscathed. Sirius didn’t share such confidence.

The most sullen looking of the two boys did little more than tuck a strand of dark hair behind his ears, before going as far as to just incline his head slightly upwards and give McGonagall the slightest hint of a nod in response, hoping to get by with latching onto James response alone. McGonagall looked seconds away from meeting Sirius’ eyes and commenting upon the rather peculiar display she had just witnessed, but seemed to stop herself at just the last minute, which only brought more questions up into the air around them.

James watched the two for just a brief moment, finding there to be something there in the eye contact, prolonged, and incredibly uncomfortable. He felt the need to break the silence, but found that he didn’t have the slightest idea of what to say. In fact, he felt that Professor McGonagall had quickly lost interest in what had brought the two of them there in the first place, and was now much more focused upon Sirius himself.

“Black, are you well?” She eyed Sirius carefully, as if she might have more success in reading the answer from his face, and considering how largely untalkative and generally unresponsive Sirius seemed to be, she might not have even been wrong.

“Yes, sorry.” He let out a sigh, the sudden release of cold air almost seeming to bite and slice at his throat. “Just a bit…” He trailed off for a moment, doing his best to smile up at Professor McGonagall just the best he could before he continued. “ _ Tired _ .”

“We all are, Black, I can assure you of that.” Professor McGonagall straightened out in her chair, seeming mostly satisfied with Sirius’ response. “So, I’d very much like to get all this mess dealt with as quickly as possible. So this was your little ‘party’, a little victory celebration, that’s fine, all in good spirit, and as head of your house I am not at all opposed to that.  _ But _ , you cannot have alcohol on school property, for many reasons, and especially when someone is going to go ahead and tamper with it. Have you  _ seen _ how many people poor Madame Pomfrey had on her hands yesterday morning? The hospital wing was  _ packed _ .” She shook her head as she came to recall the scene.

“Yeah.” Sirius spoke up, coming to wonder if perhaps he shouldn’t have, but deeming it to be too late once he’d started anyway, and with that logic at hand, it didn’t much matter. “I was in there yesterday morning.”

“Then, Mr Black, I assume you’d understand exactly what this whole operation was a  _ terrible _ idea.” McGonagall finished, pulling her lips up into an incredibly curt and incredibly forced smile.

“He didn’t have anything to do with it.” James didn’t give it much thought before stepping in, hanging himself out there, because in actual fact, Sirius did have a little to do with it, but nowhere near as much as he had. James was the one who’d orchestrated the whole thing really. “I was organised it all. It was a surprise to all my team members for when we won.”

“ _ When _ ?” McGonagall let out a laugh, raising her eyebrows in amusement. “Exactly how confident were you about this, Potter?” Even as her laughter faded, she continued to meet James’ eyes, intrigued by the line of thought he’d put behind this all.

“A strong ninety percent.” He leaned back in his chair, lips turning up into a grin. “And I mean, we did, didn’t we?” James turned across to Sirius, his grin only broadening.

“We did.” Sirius did have to admit, although it was only the persuasive look in James’ eyes that motivated him to do such a thing.

“Yes.” McGonagall let out a sigh, almost as if she was rather reluctant to admit that James Potter was actually right about something. “We did.” She went as far as to roll her eyes before leaning back in her chair, turning her attention fully towards James. “So, Potter, this was all planned by you, and Sirius had nothing to do with it?”

“He didn’t even know about it.” James informed her, somehow, for some reason, continuing to grin through it all. “As I told you, professor, it was a surprise.” He met Sirius with his grin, just for a brief moment. Sirius took this moment, and many others that followed, to remind himself that despite everything else, just how much of a good friend James really was, despite how much a prat he could be for the majority of the time.

“Well then, Sirius…” McGonagall trailed off, a little astounded by what James was telling her, but instead finding that she was in no particular mood to question it. “You’re free to go. I’ll just need to discuss this with Mr Potter for a little while.” She nodded across at Sirius, who made quick work of getting up and out of his chair. Once he was on his way to the door, she turned back to James, holding his gaze for a moment. “Odd isn’t it? Thought you two were practically partners in crime.”

“Odd?” James gave a shrug, almost drowning in a smug sense of nonchalance, only to turn as Sirius pulled the door open. “Hey, Sirius!” He yelled across at him, grabbing his friends’ attention instantly. “Remus wants to talk to you, alright? Go and talk to him. Actually do it. You  _ owe _ me a favour.”

It was as Sirius met his friend with a questionable look, almost reluctant and uncomfortable perhaps, but gave him a nod regardless of that, before slipping out the room, that Professor McGonagall decided it would simply be for the best if she neglected to ask just what this favour Sirius owed James happened to be.

-

It didn’t take Sirius particularly long to find Remus. All he really needed to do was make his way back up to their dormitory. In all honesty, he’d made absolutely no effort to look for Remus at all, but he’d found him in the end, so technically he wasn’t going against what James had told him to. After all, he really did respect that James had gotten him out of there, he just hadn’t expected that this might have been how James imagined that he might repay him.

Remus was sat at the end of his bed, long legs stretched out across the dormitory floor, and head engrossed in a particularly large, almost fossilised looking book that he’d had to have pulled out of the deepest most abandoned corner of the library, and for who knows what reason. Sirius decided that it was probably best he didn’t question it, and that delaying things could just do so very little to help him anymore. Despite that he found himself dedicating a good forty seconds just to closing the door behind him, and another to making his way towards his own bed, and then a good minute to sitting down on it, and watching the way the sunlight flooded into the room from the open window.

“So.” Remus finally began, closing the book with an audible snap, leaving Sirius to grimace as it released a little cloud of dust out into the air around them; that dust was probably older than the both of them combined. He placed the book down on the floor at the foot of his bed and turned to better face Sirius, almost as if he expected Sirius to continue from there on. That was not something Sirius intended to do at all.

Yet in the end, as there was  _ always _ an end to everything, the silence came to slowly crush him, killing him from the inside, and awkward conversation came forth to reveal itself as the much more pleasant option. Of course, Sirius decided to avoid the subject as a whole, glancing around the room momentarily, before meeting Remus with a voice that displayed much more concern than he at all had within him. “Where’s Peter?”

Remus rolled his eyes, leaning back against one of the posts of his bed, and stretching one leg out over the edge and onto the floor. “I specifically asked him to go somewhere else so I could talk to you.” Remus came to cut to the chase, meeting Sirius with an insistent kind of look set deep into his eyes. It wasn’t a look that Sirius found himself appreciating, but one that he came to accept that he didn’t have an awful lot of choice about at all, regardless of how he might come to feel about it.

“Oh.” Sirius gave a nod, doing his best to appear impartial to this all; it wasn’t particularly working.

“What was it that night?” Remus cut right to it, growing tired of endless questions, and endless silences, and forever just running around in circles; something was wrong, and he knew it. “The party.” He continued, growing almost immediately impatient with Sirius’ continued silence. “Something was wrong.”

“Yeah..” Sirius let out a breathy kind of sigh, but found himself awkward, hesitant, uncomfortable to continue; it was just something he couldn’t quite bring himself to do. Not yet anyway. He did however hope for the one day when he’d manage to find himself at ease with it all, but that day was just not today.

“You don’t want to talk about it.” Remus went as far as to take the words right from his lips. Sirius gave a quick nod in response. “It’s important though, and you should.”

“I know.” Sirius continued, finally properly finding it within himself to speak. “Just not now. I’ll talk about it soon, one day. I’m going to have to. It’s one of those inevitable truths, but just not yet, alright? I’m not quite ready yet. I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

“You promise?” Remus leaned forward, holding his gaze with the utmost care in the world.

“I promise.” Sirius smiled across at him, sensing the uncertainty in Remus’ eyes, and hating to be the one that caused it. He wondered for just a moment as to what Remus might have imagined this all to be, and just what kind of worries were twisting around his head. He’d never know, and maybe that was just for the best.

“You mean that?” Remus continued, moving closer to Sirius, with a horrible kind of longing look in his eyes; it shouldn’t have been there, he shouldn’t have let it slip through, but still, like everything else he’d ever tried to suppress, it persisted, and it did so with the power of everything else combined.

“Of  _ course _ I do.” And with the crack in Sirius’ voice, the gentle tone, and the look the two shared, it did indeed just mean the world.

-

Remus had with time come to find that he did indeed have more pressing matters to concern himself with. In all honesty, what he wanted was to spend forever with Sirius, to watch every slight movement, every tiny notion of his body language, coupled with every movement of his eyes, the way they might fade in and out of focus. He wanted to read the truth from him like that, he wanted to get down to the way things really were, even if it wasn’t laid out in a matter that was either immediate or straightforward. This was because, more than anything else, Remus just cared about Sirius, and in all honesty, he just didn’t know what else he could do with himself when he knew that something was wrong with his friend.

Reality came to put all of his hopes to a firm halt however. It wasn’t as much as the full force of reality itself, but just the calendar, and the simple yet continuous passing of time. After all, it was time itself that was truly a force to be feared, because irrelevant of the rest of the world, even if everything had burned up and fallen to shit, time would continue, time would live on; time had been here from the very start of everything, and it would prevail until the very end. 

It was indeed time itself that held a constant weight upon Remus’ shoulders, as it was time itself that continued to push Remus on through his life, to push September into October, and October into November. It was time that would ensure that the months never stopped, and with the passing of the months, came the change in the moon. Somehow, so very suddenly, Remus found himself with the full moon looming just two days ahead of him, as he found himself so very underprepared, and so very lost inside his own head, as he’d done so much to help with everyone else’s problems, and so very little to help with his own. He might have at least commended himself on his selfless if he could find it within himself to linger on anything besides the inevitable future, but he couldn’t.

He curled up in the back corner of the common room, wishing really for more in the way of peace and quiet, but he’d come to accept that there really wasn’t that much else on offer to him, considering the fact that suddenly getting up and walking for more than a couple of metres seemed like the most disastrous and impossible idea in the world. The common room was quiet enough, at least: quiet enough to let his own thoughts run rampant, screaming and yelling around his head. That was simultaneously all Remus needed and all that would just about destroy him.

Remus buried his head in his hands, stretching his legs out across the sofa that he thankfully had to himself, and thought for a moment. Or at least he tried to: a jab at clear, concise thought was just so very largely unsuccessful, as more than anything else, it just seemed impossible. His mind was practically on fire. It always was when the moon neared, as it was just his luck that once he really did need to calm himself down and make sense of things, he found that the world just made it near enough physically impossible for him to do so.

In the end, he just closed his eyes. He knew he couldn’t even hope of getting to sleep, but he liked to consider the idea at the very least. Regardless of whether he actually got any sleep or not, the suddenly darkness that surrounded him was decently soothing and he found himself thankful for that. It was certainly a better alternative to the lights and colours: all too bright, and the world around him, too loud, and too messy, and both too hot and too cold simultaneously. All in all, it wasn’t far off the world’s worst headache.

The only downside to having his eyes closed was that he’d managed to miss a sudden new presence in the room. He had picked up the footsteps descending the staircase, but had found himself unable to pay very much attention to them, because suddenly they were just footsteps, like footsteps meant nothing to him at all. They definitely succeeded in meaning so very little until the exact moment that the footsteps very directly became people with a gentle tapping at his shoulder and an all too familiar voice cutting through the quiet, still air.

“Remus?” He shot his eyes open instantly, jumping up a little, and blinking rapidly as he struggled to take in the sudden shift in his surroundings. Quickly however, he came to realise that his new circumstances weren’t entirely as bad as he had momentarily managed to imagine that they might be.

“Lily?” He let out a groan, brushing his hair back away from his eyes, and focusing back in upon his surroundings. “James?” The second figure, stood a little way behind Lily was what really took Remus by surprise. He really did try his best, but despite his every effort, he just couldn’t find himself able to come to a situation in which Lily Evans might voluntarily chose to spend time with James Potter. He loved the both of them, but it just didn’t make sense to him. “What’s going on?”

“You shouldn’t have woke him up.” James turned to Lily, eyebrows raised, before pulling his gaze back to Remus, who was still yet to pull his expression away from one of confusion. “He was fine there, wasn’t he?” James looked at Remus for a moment like he expected Remus to be in a state where he was at all prepared to answer that question. He was not.

“He wasn’t asleep, don’t be an idiot.” Lily rolled her eyes, like it should have been exceedingly obvious, and even to Remus, who was the one who wasn’t asleep in the first place, he still had difficulty following her train of thought. “Like he can just sleep in the middle of the day around the moon.” Lily took a seat beside Remus, leaving James to rather awkwardly follow suit. Remus wondered for a moment if this was James’ new, even more pathetic strategy in which he might aim to gain Lily’s affection. However, he quickly realised that Lily seemed in no hurry to punch him in the face, therefore it couldn’t be like that, because there was no world in James’ attempts to gain Lily’s affection might actually be working.

“Oh…” James trailed off, looking slowly between Remus and Lily. “That… yeah… uhh…” He quickly found that he didn’t have really the best grip of what he should be saying to comfort Remus at all. Instead, he turned to Lily for help. “So that’s… yeah… are you alright?”

“Not really.” Remus decided it was best to just tell him bluntly. He was well aware of the fact that James was struggling to take this all seriously, but he had to respect that he was at least trying. “I feel like shit, and it’s like I’ve got the world’s worst headache, and I can’t filter any of the world out, and then I mean, I can’t stop worrying about it, because what if something bad happens, what if-”

“ _ Remus _ .” Lily stopped him, wrapping her hand around his forearm, and succeeding in rather quickly getting his attention. “That’s  _ not _ going to happen. You need to stop thinking about the worst things that could happen. That’s only going to make it worse. Try and think of the positives. I mean, it doesn’t really seem like there are many positives,  _ but _ , just try and focus on them, alright?”

“Like what?” Remus brought his hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes. “Look, Lily, I am  _ trying _ , but I really am completely failing to see any positives in me… you know, turning… in a few days…” He couldn’t help but glance around the common room nervously, desperately fearing that one of the third years who were sat at completely the other end of the room, had somehow overheard and made some sense out of the overly discreet mess of sentence Remus had muttered.

“I mean…” James began, a small smile began to work its way onto his face. Remus knew already that whatever he was about to say was destined to be little more than absolutely terrible. “We won the match against Hufflepuff. How can you be upset when we won?”

“James…” Lily trailed off, shaking her head in disbelief. “Don’t you think that you might just be being a  _ bit _ insensitive?” She raised her eyebrows, looking up at him in disbelief. Then again, she wondered how she could possibly be surprised by anything James Potter said at all anymore.

James shrugged, offering Remus a tentative, yet hopeful smile. Remus found that really James was trying his best, and he only ever meant well, so he might as well just take that for what it was worth. He knew James well enough to know that he’d never be such an asshole to his friends on purpose. “It’s alright.” Remus assured him, stretching out against the back of the sofa.

James seemed to be incredibly spurred on and encouraged by Remus’ words, which could only mean terrible things. “Also…” He continued, causing Lily just to turn her head away, letting the mess happen right beside her, but at least out of view. “You’re not the one with a week of detention with McGonagall.” He pointed out, almost as if he was a little proud of himself for it, and knowing James, he probably was.

“Yeah…” Remus had to accept that James was right in what he was saying, but still it did very little to actually comfort him. “That’s because I’m not the one who smuggled alcohol into the school for a party because we beat Hufflepuff - you’re an idiot.” Remus met him with a smile, knowing far too well that James would wear the title of an ‘idiot’ like a medal.

“ _ Yeah _ .” James continued as if it was obvious, as if Remus had entirely missed the real point of their conversation. “ _ But _ , I’m not the one who spiked the drinks. And  _ I’m _ getting in all the shit for it? Who the fuck spiked them? Literally nobody knows, but nobody cares, like… that was the real issue here, wasn’t it?”

Remus gave a shrug, appreciating what James had to say, but not appreciating it enough to properly agree with it. “Look, if there wasn’t any alcohol in the first place, there wouldn’t have been any to spike. I think that’s what McGonagall’s going with here, seeing as she can’t exactly just go and ask someone to own up to spiking it. I mean, you could launch your own investigation, but it’s probably not worth it.”

“Why not?” James almost looked horrified by Remus’ mere suggestion.

“It was probably just some bitter seventh year or something. Or someone making a joke. I don’t think anyone did it maliciously, you know?” Remus did entertain the possibility that maybe someone had, but he decided that it was maybe for the best if he just didn’t have to think about that in that moment.

“Are you  _ sure _ ?” James glanced between Lily and Remus, still so very hesitant about it all.

“I’m  _ sure _ .” Lily added, meeting James with a stern look. “Don’t make more mess where we don’t need it. You can worry about getting Remus through this moon, alright?”

“Getting me through it?” Remus raised his eyebrows in her direction. “Makes it sound an awful lot like there’s a possibility that I won’t make it through it.” He knew very well that it was a very real possibility, but decided it was just for the best if he didn’t linger over it for too long.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Lily shook her head, offering a smile, and Remus wished for just a moment that he couldn’t see right through it. “You’re going to be  _ fine _ .”

Lily’s words were lovely, and he did appreciate the sentiment, but Remus knew far too well that just about all he could do was  _ hope _ . And hope he did.

-

Over the course of the past few months, Narcissa had come to find herself doing many things which she knew she’d quickly come to regret. The truth of it was of course that regret was a natural emotion, a normal part of life and being human, but what she found herself in was just so very from a normal situation. It was something to do with desperate measures, and reminding herself that this was near enough her last resort that led her to Malfoy’s dormitory, however this time, on invitation.

Whenever Lucius Malfoy used the word ‘talk’, he never used it wholeheartedly, and having known him for several years now, Narcissa was very confident in her grasp of him of a person, and indeed, her grasp of the kind of situation she’d landed herself in. Still, with full knowledge of just how bad of an idea this all could only ever be, she found herself turning to, and freely making her way to ‘talk’ to Malfoy that night.

He’d approached her yesterday, early in the morning, when she wasn’t properly awake, as if perhaps he’d imagined that her lack of consciousness might have swayed her to agree with him, and consider his demands like they were somewhat more rational. She hadn’t been too pleased, regardless of how much she just wanted to go back to bed, because then, just yesterday morning, actually coming to some sort ‘peace’ and agreement with Malfoy seemed like the most ludicrous thing in the world, yet suddenly, in the space of no more than thirty six hours, it had quickly shifted to what was just about her only option.

The reality of everything was that it just wouldn’t get better on its own, and in fact things only seemed determined to get worse. Narcissa knew that if maybe, on the off chance, Malfoy did actually have something of use to say to her, she just couldn’t let it pass her by. That didn’t stop her being awfully suspicious of the situation though, because whenever did Malfoy actually mean what he said?

She found his dormitory door to be unlocked and took the liberty of letting herself in, expecting to have to make her way through a mess, or the world’s worst conversation with one of his ‘friends’ in order to get to him, but Narcissa instead found the room to be an odd kind of quiet, still, calm, and indeed empty, besides the figure of Lucius Malfoy stood before a chest of drawers in the corner.

Narcissa couldn’t help but feel that somehow this atmosphere made her feel much more out of place than the one she had been expecting; perhaps it was simply because it wasn’t the one she had prepared for, or perhaps otherwise. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was really, but something was definitely out of place. Despite her best efforts to make more noise than necessary in closing the door, hoping to catch Malfoy’s attention, or for him to at least turn around, he remained standing there, motionless even. It was then that she came to realise that something really was wrong.

“M-... Lucius?” Narcissa dared to make her way across the room, hoping to catch a better glimpse of just what Malfoy was doing, but in the dim light of the room, she found that she was no better educated about the situation than she had been when she’d stood by the door. Perhaps she was even just more confused than she had previously been.

After a whole minute had passed, and she’d received little to nothing in the way of response from Malfoy, she reached for her wand and quickly illuminated the room. It was then that she could make out Malfoy’s outstretched hands, and the box from his drawers, resting in shaking palms. What she saw before her seemed to simultaneously tell her the world, just as it opened up a million new questions, and of course, as Narcissa stepped forward to stand beside him, Malfoy remained silent.

It wasn’t until another few minutes had passed that Narcissa became to seriously worry for Malfoy, for his situation, for what might cause those shaking palms, and for what kind of mess everyone had gotten caught up in. Malfoy seemed more and more reluctant to say a single word as time went on, so with little thought about it, she reached forward and took the box from his hands and quickly placed it back within the chest of drawers. She’d hoped it would have put the situation slightly more at ease, but had instead found that no such thing was the case, as in the brief moments in which she held the box, she found an overwhelming, almost burning sensation shooting through her fingertips.

“L-Lucius…” She began, grabbing him by the wrist, going as far as to physically turn him to face her. “What’s in the box? Tell me about the box.  _ Please _ .” The fear in his eyes was unmissable, seeming to hold the forefront of his mind at a constant, and as quickly as Narcissa attempted to make sense out of all of this, only a hundred new questions and possibilities emerged at every minute.

When Lucius finally came to speak, his voice was barely audible, and constantly cracking. “It’s not about what’s in the box. It’s about what the box does.” He told her, turning his back to the chest of drawers and hurrying across the room, to sit down on the end of his bed, almost as if he feared that the box itself had heard him. As odd as it all was, Narcissa couldn’t help but share his unease, and made haste in following him across the room.

“What does the box do?” She asked, almost tentatively so, as she sat down beside Lucius. Narcissa couldn’t miss the way his eyes darted nervously across the room, towards the chest of drawers, almost as if he feared that one box above all.

He lowered his voice even more than he had before, his hands still continuing to tremble as he held them in his lap. “It listens. It hears everything. It listens and it talks back. It tells me what to do. What I have to do. I don’t want to do some of these things anymore, but I  _ have _ to.”

“You don’t  _ have _ -” Narcissa began, perhaps in some halfhearted attempt to comfort him, but Malfoy quickly cut her off.

“I do.” He held her gaze, meeting her with that same fear his eyes had directed at the box itself. His voice remained quiet, barely above a whisper. “I  _ have _ to.” He took a deep sigh, glancing off across the room, before continuing. “It tells me about things sometimes. About what happens when people don’t listen. Like what happened with Alphard and Orion Black. And why. Why it all happened.”

“Tell me.” Narcissa reached for his hand, meeting his eyes with a pleading look set deep within her eyes, because whatever this all was, this was it, this was the final piece, this was what put everything together.

Lucius shook his head frantically. “I  _ can’t _ .” He glanced back across at the box. “I  _ have _ to do what it tells me. It told me specifically not to tell you.”

“If you tell me, I can help you.” Narcissa knew that what she was promising him was perhaps just a bit of a stretch but she had to try. “So you don’t have to do what it says anymore. I’ll figure this out.”

“It’s so much bigger than you think. All of this, you can’t just-”

Narcissa cut him off, suddenly so very confident in herself. “I  _ can _ . Do you want to give me that chance, because if you don’t tell me everything, I’ll never even be able to try.”

Lucius let out a sigh, trembling a little, closing his eyes for a moment, before finally opening his mouth to speak, deciding that maybe he had to try and trust Narcissa, as it seemed an awful lot like she was just his last hope, as unlikely as it all was.

-


	16. im gay and i want death

The room smelt like blood. That was the only thing of certainty: ever present, bordering on overwhelming, at the forefront of his mind. He couldn’t even be sure if his surroundings were indeed a room, as everything seemed to flicker and change, the world growing slowly larger and smaller around him, as everything began to deconstruct and fall to pieces. Wooden panelling of the walls he had trusted in, quickly fell right back to the trees they’d came from, where there had once been a floor, something he’d perhaps come to take for granted, now beneath his feet lay just dirt and a slight cover of leaves.

The smell of blood, however, was overwhelming. He trusted himself to it, for it was the only thing he found that he knew in that moment. To come to question it perhaps seemed to be the obvious option, yet despite that, it simply was not a notion that crossed his mind. Partly, however, his mind seemed unreachable, as if detached from his body entirely, as if extended out on a string, like a balloon, desperate to escape, and ready to ascend up into the sky the very moment he might have let go of it. This should have left him to grasp his mind tightly, to pull himself together, for the worry of losing himself, as it was indeed a natural, human worry. What it wasn’t however, was a worry that crossed his mind: already too far gone.

Instead he found himself fixated on the simpler things, things without a need for thought or consideration, but things that he was instinctively drawn to, things that connected with his heart rather than his head. He focused on the breeze: gentle and cool, running through his hair and his fingertips. Then his attention turned to the dirt below him, and how it felt against the palm of his hand, and how it made quick work of turning pale white skin a speckled and muddy brown.

In the end, forever, always, he was drawn back to the blood: to the smell of it all. It was something instinctual, beyond everything else, held up on a pedestal beneath the ground, held not before his heart, but deep inside his chest. It did perhaps beg for attention, demand his thoughts, beg for questions to spring forth and answers to join them. If he was in his right mind, if his mind wasn’t simply floating away from him as he stood there, in the darkness, in the world that took no one shape, in the world that did its best to escape him completely, he would met the blood, the smell of it all, with the recognition it deserved, with the worry it commanded. Perhaps however, it was for the best that he wasn’t, for the best that he didn’t, because there was an awful notion amidst it all - a wonder if perhaps the blood was asking too much, for the blood was just blood after all.

His distrust was instinctual, and within seconds he found himself stepping backwards into an unknown darkness, into a world he wasn’t even sure that really existed. Part of him began to feel as if it was all falsified, fading in and out of existence as he might require it; the world just a bubble to hold him, just to keep him away from his mind, floating freely out of it. 

He couldn’t understand why he might have needed to be kept away from his mind, for he was one with his mind, for he liked to imagine that he was one with himself, but he was instead fragmented: several different pieces, like shards of glass, that had once formed the mirror that only showed him what he wanted to see. His mind was drifting away from him because it was afraid, and if he had known, he would have been too, but all he knew that night was the wood turning back into trees, the smell of the earth, the wind, the blood, and the moon.

Instinctively, a part of him looked up at the moon, at its full form, at the white light it dispersed down upon him, with fear. It was as if part of him had been conditioned to loathe it, to do his best to run from it, but that part of him had escaped with his mind. That suggested that the part of him might have been one of the more clued up parts, and that somehow, it might have been right, but he just couldn’t understand it at all.

Instead, he stood there, underneath the clear sky, with not a single cloud to be seen, out into the moonlight, bathing in the shine, in the shimmer of it all, for it hit him like a thousand like lightning bolts, right into his veins, as if it held some sort of drug amidst its brilliant glimmer, as if it was more than it seemed somehow. But he was in anything but the position to question that. Instead, he stood taller, taller than ever before, and reached up, fingers pointed and outstretched towards the sky as the moon reflected back in his eyes, still, no matter how tall he grew in the light, he could never reach his mind, as it always drifted just that little way out of reach.

It was as if it watched him, knowing all, knowing too much, always how to be one step ahead, as if this was a place they had been a thousand times before, as if this was all like a dance, a routine they had practiced a million times over. Whatever it was though, was something Remus could not recall, as his mind escaped him in the darkness, leaving him there in the light of the full moon, leaving him very much without himself. 

There was still a voice at the back of his mind - it was scared, but he didn’t know for the life of him as to why. Perhaps in another world, on another night, he would have listened to it, for that night, his ears rung with an angelic singing that seemed to have come directly from the light of the moon.

-

In the end, he landed. In the end, everything all deflated, in the end, his mind became one with him again, under a similar bright light, but one that seemed so much dimmer: artificial, glowing golden, flickering slightly. Despite that, it felt warmer, more real, like home.

Remus was slow to piece his surroundings together, but he was unfairly familiar to it all, and it came to him with the blue skies, with the morning light, and the sudden realisation that it had been more than a dream, it had been another night, another moon, yet at the very least he’d survived it, yet suddenly, that didn’t seem to hold very much weight at all, as his heart sank deep inside his chest.

He couldn’t fight a definitive feeling of failure, as if somehow, by now he should have been able to fight it, as if he should have been on top of his transformations, as if he should have been able to stop them, as if he was just pathetic,  _ weak _ . Physically, he was, just a shadow of what he’d been under the moonlight, as he lay in a hospital bed, thin and sick, unsure if he was able to move, and indeed hesitant to find out. The thing was however, that what he’d been under the moonlight, even as he felt ten metres tall, as if he owned the whole world around him, that hadn’t been himself. That had been the wolf taking over, that was the most he’d ever lost himself. And nothing scared him quite like that.

He should have been pleased to discover that physically he was fine, that he’d suffered little to nothing in the way of physical injuries, for the first time in what was suddenly so very long. Last night, had however been, his worst transfiguration in an entirely different way, as what he lacked in physical scars balanced out on his mind, and took quite the toll indeed. 

Every transfiguration he found that he did just lose a little part of himself, but he found that last night he’d lost more than he could even comprehend. He feared putting himself back together, he feared making sense of himself, he feared finding the gaps, he feared having to compensate for them: it was all too much, all he didn’t want to deal with at all. In all honesty, he just wanted to fade away right there, to let everything just lapse out around him for a while, perhaps for a while longer than that, perhaps for a while bordering on forever. He was weak, and pain came like the steady thud of his heartbeat, forever seeming to grow slower, and more than anything, as he lay there, alone, he just wanted it to end.

He managed to escape for a while, to hide behind his eyelids, to enjoy the darkness, to enjoy the silence, to enjoy the illusion, the pretence of peace, the person he might have hoped himself to be, the person who was human fully,  _ himself _ , without the wolf. But life wasn’t fair and the world just didn’t work like that at all.

When he closed his eyes he saw last night again, but he saw it as if he was looking on, he saw who he’d been, and came to contrast it with everything he’d seen in that moment, because he’d never once been so tall as he’d found himself under the moonlight, instead he’d been shrinking, almost exactly to the ground, crushing under the weight of himself and everything he couldn’t see, crushed against the wooden boards around him, for it had always just been a room. For it has always just been wooden planks and floorboards, and not a forest at all.

It wasn’t that he felt deceived by the world, but just deceived by the other part of himself, because he had to reckon that deep down, just the slightest part of him had always known for sure. He could never had been entirely fooled. There had been that voice, scared at the back of his head, the voice he’d ignored, but perhaps the only part of him that had been right all along.

As he came to wonder just what might have left it so frightened, just what it might have really seen, he remembered the blood. The smell: how it had been nothing short of overwhelming, and how he lacked very little in the way of physical injuries at all. From the on the truth got complicated, blurry, toxic, and folded over on itself, like a knot in his throat that he might choke on. It wasn’t that the questions and their answers weren’t laid out plainly before him, it was just that he feared the truth, and he just couldn’t bare to put them all together.

He wanted to close his eyes and sleep properly, he wanted to fade away, out of the hospital wing he’d seen too many times, out of every mistake he’d made last night, in the state of the creature he’d been. He hated how the one thing you could never escape was yourself, because it was what lay deep down inside him, set at the center of his heart, that he could only ever fear the most. It was a battle of the two, of himself, and the wolf, and as much as he felt that it would, no battle could really go on forever: in the end, one would always win. It was that which he’d come to fear.

He wanted to close his eyes and lose himself for a few hours, but more than anything, he feared what might happen if he did so, for his mind was hardly in the best of states, for he was hardly really there with himself anymore, because one night was over, but forever, forever, he faced the next, and the continuous cycle, and lost up inside his head, was the person he’d liked to have been. Remus lay in his bed in the hospital wing and watched it drift away.

-

Sirius hadn’t managed to get even a minutes sleep that night. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried. It was just that he couldn’t bring himself to do so, because every time he closed his eyes, every time he found himself getting somewhere close to comfortable and relaxed, he found his mind shooting to images of Remus, to him alone, to him scared, to his night, in the Shrieking Shack, alone, and in pain. Nothing had ever been fair, but that didn’t keep him sleeping soundly; Remus was so brave, Remus was bravest person he knew, and Remus deserved the world. He deserved so much more than Sirius could ever possibly give him.

James knew instantly that Sirius had spent the whole night up, either sat at his bed, or at the window, watching the stars, watching the moon, watching the horizon, watching the treeline, as if it might suddenly erupted with fire, as if the world might turn to dust around him if he dared to leave it be. As much as he was concerned for his friend, he decided that he shouldn’t bother him about it, not with so much already on his mind - after all, there was nothing he could do about the sleep he’d already lost. 

Still, as much as he’d told himself he’d drop it, the worry seized his mind for quite a while, as he came to make sense of it, to make sense of Sirius’ head, make sense of the gaps, the secrets he’d never come to tell a soul. Sometimes James wished he could still believe that they were the kind of best friends that told each other everything. Even more James wished that he didn’t know that they were still just as close, but the things they knew, the secrets they had been told to keep, had simply gotten worse.

Peter hadn’t said anything, or done anything that made his situation particularly obvious, but James struggled with missing the anxious look held in his eyes. He came to imagine that Peter was going through much the very same worried mess, but just struggled with expressing it so vocally. Or perhaps it was for the best, because James’ patience was quickly going thin as Sirius continued to violently snap at everyone and anything, otherwise retreating into a self-enclosed silence.

James knew more than anything else than none of them were up for classes that day: there was all too much racing around their heads, far too many worries, a world of concerns, and that there was no use trying to escape them. Remus hadn’t even been in a good state yesterday, before he’d even undergone his transformation, and as a three, they couldn’t even begin to let themselves imagine what had become of him over the past night. Whatever it was, it was bad, and life wasn’t fair, and James wished more than anything that things just didn’t have to be like that.

In the end, James came to make an executive decision, which, objectively, was a bit of a stupid one, in true James Potter fashion, but this time, he’d definitely had his heart in the right place - there was no doubt about that, and perhaps that it was that which really mattered overall. James knew that his idea wasn’t perhaps the most well thought of things, and as such expected someone to argue against it, but both Sirius and Peter nodded along simply, with little else to say for themselves. Part of James missed the fourth voice, missed the voice of reason, missed someone relaying the school rules to them, and how it broke far too many of them. That voice tended to be Remus.

Full moons never felt right for any of the four of them. James hated the prolonged silence, the messy heads, and the detention they’d likely face for skipping class to go and see him, but James had decided as a perfect part of his plan, that McGonagall could absolutely fuck off, because seeing his best friend was far more important to him than a hour of Potions. Still, he felt weird without someone to tell him that his idea was bad, or stupid, or never going to work. He came to wonder if that was the majority of his motivation to do these things - to prove people wrong or something, or just to be annoying. He decided that it didn’t much matter: not much else did that day.

James found himself leading the other two through the crowds of students on their way to their first lessons. It wasn’t a particularly long journey to the hospital wing and the three of them knew it well enough by now: they had plenty of full moons, and plenty of other visits too. Still, the journey hadn’t been quite as easy as he’d imagined, as once they made it just a few corridors away from the hospital wing, he found his eyes meeting those of a rather angry looking Lily Evans, who made quick work in marching down the corridor to meet them.

“Evans!” James opened his face up into a grin, meeting her with the world’s most falsified joy, in the slight hope that it might have improved their situation at all. It quickly became apparent that it really hadn’t.

“You  _ know _ …” She began, inhaling deeply as she looked between the three of them; her eyes didn’t linger anywhere near as long on James’ hopeful grin as it did upon Peter’s nervous, uncomfortable demeanour, and the flat out look of an empty kind of sadness upon Sirius, coupled with a distinct lack of sleep, visible in ugly dark circles around his eyes.

“What?” James prompted for her to continue, noticing how she’d gotten a little lost in inspecting the three of them. “What do you know?” He met her again with a smile, knowing full well that she wasn’t buying it, but putting his all into it regardless; he wasn’t entirely sure why anymore.

“Professor McGonagall told me  _ specifically _ to keep a look out for you and make sure you went to class instead of the hospital wing.” Lily folded her arms across her chest, raising her eyebrows back at James. If it had been James alone she certainly wouldn’t have let him pass, but with both Peter and Sirius behind him, would looked much less at ease, much less comfortable with this all, she began to change her mind.

“And why aren’t you in class yourself? Surely you can’t tell me to go to class without you being in class yourself? That’d make you a hypocrite.” James looked far too pleased with himself for that response.

Lily rolled her eyes, heaving a sigh. “I’m not in class because as a  _ prefect _ , Professor McGonagall has asked me to patrol the corridors, making sure everyone has gone to class, because it’s been a bit of a  _ problem _ recently. So I will be going to class as soon as you do.”

“Alright.” James shrugged, adjusting his glasses slightly. “Well we’re going to the hospital wing to see Remus, and you know make sure our friend isn’t dead or severely injured or anything? Thought you might have cared, considering you’re supposed to be his friend too, but whatever. And then, after we’ve spent a bit of time with him, maybe then we’ll go to class. You’re  _ welcome _ to join us.” James even went as far as to toss her a wink.

“McGonagall  _ specifically _ told me-” Lily began, doing her best to argue her case, despite the fact that really she wanted to go and see how Remus was doing as much as the other three did.

“What McGonagall doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” James assured her, softening the look in his eyes a little. “Remus, however, might  _ actually _ be hurt, and I mean, I thought Gryffindor was all about bravery and determination, so I’m being brave  _ and _ determined by going to see my friend when he’s really sick, and you’re going against that, by stopping me.”

“Loyalty to your friends. Quite…” Lily trailed off for a moment, holding James gaze with a smirk. “ _ Hufflepuff _ that, isn’t it?” She watched the way his face was quickly thrown into confusion, struggling to come back and argue against her. What was more important though, was the way that Sirius’ expression finally seemed to change, and his lips shifted up into a small, hopeful kind of smile.

Lily glanced around as James remained in a stunned silence, before deciding that no one had spotted them and that they were safe. She made a very quick decision as to what mattered more to her, and what that was came very simply and very easily. “What McGonagall doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” She flashed a momentary smile at James, before beginning in the way to the hospital wing, leaving the other three to follow quickly behind.

“Lily Evans, breaking school rules!” James exclaimed, a real grin settling onto his face now, Peter was quite amused by this too, and Sirius managed as much as a thin whisper of a smile. It was still definitely something though. “What  _ have _ we come to?” He shook his head in mock disbelief, only for Lily to shake her head back at him.

“I’m not  _ breaking _ anything.” Lily met him with a grin, her voice sterner than anyone had anticipated for. “Professor McGonagall told me to make sure you go to class today, and I know for a fact that you’re not going to go anywhere until you’ve seen Remus, so if I didn’t let you go and see him, then really, I’d be  _ preventing _ you from going to class, wouldn’t I?”

“Lily, how exactly are you so clever?” Peter’s eyes widened in nothing short of amazement. “That’s brilliant.” Lily met him with a laugh, smiling wider at him than she had at James, which of course, quickly irritated him; Lily was, of course, well aware of that.

“Hey, Evans.” The tone in James’ voice made it immediately obvious that this was going to make the shortlist for the worst things he’d said ever. She turned back to face him, already meeting him with a disappointed look in her eyes, having well prepared herself for the inevitable. “What if I said that I absolutely would  _ never _ go to class again unless you kissed me? So you’d be letting McGonagall down if you didn’t.”

“Then I’d accept you as a lost cause to the world…  _ Potter _ .” She shook her head at him in disbelief, doing her best to hide the slight blush that had made its way into her cheeks.

“Good try, mate, good try.” Peter smiled across at him, he probably would have applauded him if Lily wasn’t literally about half a metre in front of them. There was also the fact that they were quickly approaching the hospital wing, and he couldn’t avoid the look in Sirius’ eyes, as if he suddenly come alive, but entirely in the wrong way; he looked restless, terrified, stressed beyond belief, and Peter just wished he was the kind of person that knew what to say to make those things better. He hoped he could leave the situation to James and Lily instead, but they appeared awfully too caught up in one another to notice.

“Right.” Lily let out a sigh as she pushed the hospital wing door open. “Let me talk to Madame Pomfrey if she approaches us, and just go along with anything I say, alright? McGonagall gave us permission to visit during class hours, okay?” She glared across at the three boys until they nodded vaguely in response.

“I mean…” James began, his confident demeanour suddenly seeming to fizzle a little as he found that they were suddenly faced with Remus, and dealing with what mess might have occurred over the past night. “ _ Technically _ , she did, didn’t she?”

“Technically.” Lily nodded in agreement, as if she needed to repeat it to herself to get herself to believe it before she might continue. “Technically,  _ yes _ . Yes she did.” With that the four of them made their way inside to the bright lit room, scanning the beds that lined the walls, looking desperately for Remus’ face amongst the others. 

It was as they struggled to make him out at all that their hearts stopped almost at the very same moment, but then Peter outstretched his hand towards the bed in the furthest back corner of the room, almost hidden away from everything else. Sirius was so overwhelmed by spotting him there that he could just about kiss Peter, but he decided it was probably best that he didn’t - that would probably only lead to Lily asking more and more questions. All in all, that was probably the last thing he needed at that moment in time, but still, everything, every terrible thing in his head, seemed to amount to an awful lot of nothing when it came to compare them to Remus, and what kind of hell he must live through every month.

The only thing Sirius could properly conclude was just that despite whatever you might desperately want to think, things just  _ weren’t _ fair. And there was so very little anyone could do about that at all. A reminder like that didn’t do much to remedy the perhaps ever present feeling of sickness inside his chest.

Lily had expected that Remus might have been asleep when they first came to visit him, considering that he’d certainly had a long night and with no rest to balance it out. Instead, however, she found herself a little surprised to find that Remus near enough went as far as sitting up in the hospital bed. He definitely looked to be in much better shape than anyone had really expected, but Lily found herself catching the desperate, hopeless look in his eyes as they trailed around the room, before she could quite experience any kind of happiness or relief; something was wrong, something was  _ definitely _ wrong, even if it wasn’t immediately obvious.

“Remus!” James was the first to speak as they gathered around his bed, raising his voice to level that really wasn’t helpful in the hospital wing, especially considering the fact that they were trying their best not to draw much attention, considering the fact that they had been specifically told not to be doing this, of course by none other than Professor McGonagall herself.

Remus met James with a smile; it looked a little weak around the edges, but there was no questioning the fact that it was genuine, and that Remus was little short of overjoyed to see his best friends again. “James!” He returned his friend’s greeting, but at a significantly lower volume, and with noticeably less enthusiasm; he was tired, his voice was weaker, and the four knew instantly then that he should have been sleeping instead of talking to them.

“You sound tired.” Lily commented, sitting down on the chair to the left of his bed, she took a moment to take a proper look at Remus, taking in him and his surroundings with more care. “You  _ look _ tired. You should be getting some sleep, you know? We shouldn’t be keeping you up.”

Remus gave a shrug, as if the matter of sleep seemed largely irrelevant to him, despite the obvious bags under his eyes, and the sunken, pale, almost ghostly look to his face. “I can’t sleep anyway. It doesn’t make much difference to me.” He turned away from Lily to face Sirius and Peter, who were both yet to speak; he found that he didn’t quite know what to say to either of them, especially Sirius, whose face seemed to retain the same look and the same silence from the night of Gryffindor’s victory party.

“Still…” Lily trailed off, unable to stop herself worrying about Remus’ health; she found that it was one of the things she did best. “You should be trying. You should have your eyes shut for a start, you should have some peace and quiet.” Lily continued, glancing back at James, who seemed to be suffering some kind of eternal battle regarding how much Lily was actually right, against how much he wanted to waste away a Potions lesson talking to his sick friend, and  _ ensuring _ that everything was okay.

Remus rolled his eyes, very much as if Lily’s words held no weight to him at all, and perhaps they didn’t, or perhaps he just found the whole situation vaguely amusing, more than anything else. “I  _ should _ be sleeping, and you lot  _ should _ be in class. Neither of us are doing those things, so I think that’s fair.”

Lily couldn’t help but blush at the fact that Remus had picked up on how they definitely weren’t supposed to be visiting him during class time. She found that she ought to be setting a  _ somewhat _ decent example at the very least, considering that she was a prefect, and one it seemed like Professor McGonagall trusted and respected. Lily just found it that little bit more difficult to set so much of a good example when James Potter was around, and he had one of those ideas, that went against everything she knew, but still sounded so intriguing regardless.

“It wasn’t  _ my _ fault.” Lily stammered out, ending up sounding a little pathetic and childish in the process. She couldn’t help but blush a little, hiding her face in her hands for a moment. “I got dragged along.”

“Dragged along?” Peter repeated, not at all convinced of Lily’s excuses, considering the fact that he had been there, and he was certain of the fact that he had a decent grip on the situation, and the right idea regarding what had actually occurred. “You  _ let _ us go.” Remus couldn’t help but grin, finding this all amusing more than anything else.

“It was entirely your fault, Evans. If you hadn’t let us go, we wouldn’t be here at all. It was  _ all _ down to you.” James shook his head in mock disbelief, grinning across at his friends: first to Peter, then to Remus, and then finally to Sirius, who he found didn’t share his smile at all. “I expected  _ better _ of you.”

“Did you?” Lily rolled her eyes, shaking her head, expecting a quick retort from James, but instead finding that his gaze had diverted off to Sirius, who still a little way back from everyone else, silent, appearing more distant than anything else.

“Sirius, mate, are you…” James reached out to Sirius, grabbing him by the arm, and grimacing a little at the way Sirius let James move him, almost as if he was little more than a ragdoll. “Okay?” He finished, his voice shaking slightly with uncertainty as he turned back to the others.

“Sirius?” Remus tried, sitting up a little more. The way Sirius seemed to immediately come back to life was unmissable; he took in a great gasp of breath and properly turned to face Remus, pulling his arm forcefully away from James, who was suddenly rather hesitant to let go of his arm. “Come here.” Remus gestured to him, and James rather unwillingly let Sirius pass by him and make his way over to Remus’ bedside.

James wished that he knew what to say, as he found himself in one of the very few moments in life when he found that he just didn’t. Lily found herself with little fewer than a thousand questions on her mind, suddenly with a whole world to say, but she stopped herself, because it wasn’t the time, and Sirius was still so very hesitant to open up to her, or to open up to anyone really. Peter, however, was mostly just confused; he remained silent still, recognising that this was perhaps the kind of silence he didn’t need to fill.

Remus looked awkwardly between Sirius, the world of confusion and hurt captured upon his face, and the other three. He desperately didn’t want to make this situation uncomfortable, but he reckoned half of that deed had already been done. “Would it be alright if you gave us a minute?” He forced his face into a hopeful smile, hoping it might do something to change the way James’ face was quickly falling into a scowl.

“Where are we supposed to go?” James retorted, a little upset about the fact that he’d come to see Remus, and now Remus was asking them to leave him alone, with Sirius, who seemed insist only to talk to Remus. It wasn’t that James was jealous, except it sort of was. His head was just a bit messy, and he was a bit tired, and constantly trying not to embarrass himself in front of Lily took an awful lot of effort.

“Sarah from Herbology is over there. I think she has some sort of infection or something.” Lily met James with the kind of soft and calm smile that he didn’t deserve, and gestured across the room. “We can go and visit her.”

“Who the fuck is Sarah from Herbology?” James asked, hushing his voice a little, but still allowing Lily to drag him away from Sirius and Remus, with little in the way of questioning to be done.

“She’s that blonde one that stares at you a lot.” Peter supplied, somehow having managed to notice her. Then once again, he noticed what James hadn’t, and that was the sudden change on Lily’s face as he had mentioned that Sarah stared at James.

“She stares at me?” James’ eyes widened, seeming genuinely surprised more than anything, which Lily couldn’t help but find quite sweet, but it was drowned out in this weird horrible feeling crawling up from the pit of her stomach, almost in protest of this all. She was quite hesitant to come to terms with it, perhaps just as if she didn’t want to.

“Yeah.” Peter nodded, speaking as if it was pretty much nothing, which was an opinion that neither Lily nor James seemed to share at all. James looked practically over the moon. “She’s pretty nice looking as well.” He added, only to sudden become uncomfortably aware of the way Lily was looking at him. He couldn’t quite pinpoint just what that specific look meant, but he could use his intuition and gather that it didn’t mean something good.

“She’s in Hufflepuff.” Lily finished, stretching her arms out rather casually as they finally reached Sarah’s bed. She left James to deal with what that might mean to him, as she greeted Sarah with a smile, and tried to pretend that they actually had intended to come say hello and that her whole life wasn’t quickly becoming one messy lie.

Across the room, even as they had been left alone, both Sirius and Remus remained hesitant to properly speak to one another. Instead, they found themselves sharing a similar kind of comfortable silence. Despite the mess of everything else that might have surrounded them and intertwined itself within their lives, they could both find comfort in the fact that they had each other, and that at least for that moment, things would be okay.

Still, Sirius couldn’t deny the way that everything up in his head was slowly beating itself down into one hell of a mess, and that as much as he didn’t want it to be true, sitting around with Remus really wasn’t helping matters. For as uncomfortable as it was to accept, Remus was a very large part of the problem. He didn’t want to face that for a while. Not quite yet anyway. Instead, he sat himself down on the end of Remus’ bed and tossed him a lazy kind of forced smile, doing all he could to make it seem like he was doing much better than anyone thought he was.

Remus knew Sirius too well though, and found it difficult to buy such a smile, and especially the poorly constructed story that lay behind it. Still, he smiled back, and the two waited a while. He thought of what to say, a million beginnings, and began to pair them up with a million ends to a million conversations that they might have. There was so much up in both of their heads, and still they were both so hesitant when it came to discussing any of it. It was perhaps down to the fact that just saying the words aloud made it all that much more real.

Despite that, Sirius knew Remus hadn’t awkwardly chased the others away for him to sit beside him in silence. That wasn’t fair. Things weren’t fair. And he knew he had to pull himself together; it was an awful lot like a long time coming after all.

“Everything’s a bit fucked, isn’t it?” Remus was the one to finally break their silence. The way he spoke, however, was less so in conversation with Sirius, less in the direction of seeking any form of response, but much more of a thought he’d simply let slip his mind and out into the open, like words he hadn’t entirely intended to slip off his tongue. 

“Yeah…” Sirius’ voice was gentle and slow, his eyes fixated upon the floor, and the matter of tapping his feet gently against it. “Things kind of are.” He continued, finally daring to bring his gaze up to meet Remus’. There was something in the way that Remus had been looking at him that caught Sirius by surprise; it was odd, different, somehow, but try as he might, he just couldn’t put his finger on it, and begin to contemplate just what it might mean. “I kind of feel like shit, you know?”

“Mmm?” Remus raised his eyebrows, sitting up a little more as he began to sense that this might be Sirius beginning to open up, after all this mess they’d been through, finally in the corner of the hospital wing, after Remus had awkwardly chased away their other friends. He couldn’t deny that it was hardly the most convenient of places, but Remus was certainly not in the mind to stop him. “Why?”

“Because I feel like my problems are the worst thing in the world, and like so fucking sorry for myself, but then you obviously have it worse, like so much worse, and I feel ridiculous for even thinking my shit is anywhere near as important as I do.” Sirius let out a sigh, wishing more than anything that he could just shut his thoughts out, just turn off his head for once in awhile. He reckoned that might be nice, or just something like the kind of peace and quiet he needed.

“Of course it’s important.” Remus’ eyes widened, struggling to latch onto Sirius' train of thought, and put together just what kind of sense this all held. “ _ Of course _ it’s important. It doesn’t matter what shit I have, if you’re hurting or upset or whatever, that matters, and that’s important.  _ Please _ talk to me about things, please don’t feel pathetic or anything, because that just doesn’t make sense.” 

Despite Remus’ assurance, Sirius still wasn’t fully convinced at all. “Still, I just feel like I’m making a mess out of nothing, because it’s all so simple and I just can’t talk about it, and it’s just  _ pathetic _ . It’s fucking pathetic, honestly.” Sirius shook his head definitively, glancing across the room as if he wanted to get up, to leave, to run away from this conversation, as it drew close to the one thing he just didn’t want to talk about, but he couldn’t leave Remus. He couldn’t leave now. It was different somehow, and that was what mattered. And of course, it hurt because it mattered.

“Like I’ve never felt like I was being pathetic before.” Remus shook his head at Sirius like he was being an idiot, and in a way, Remus thought he was. He definitely didn’t think badly of him though. “Come on, Sirius, like… I mean… it took me  _ years _ to come out to you, that sure made me feel fucking pathetic. I mean I’d told Lily before, but that was different… somehow. I guess she sort of put it together herself. But I definitely felt pathetic and like shit because I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

Sirius couldn’t help the way his breathing had suddenly grown heavy. “And then you did.” He bit his lip, hating how Remus had instantly brought this back to the matter of coming out; it was almost as if he could read it all from Sirius’ face, from the look in his eyes, from the way he held his hands in his lip. Part of Sirius wanted that to be true, because perhaps then he’d never have to bring himself to say it aloud.

“Then I did.” Remus repeated him, nodding to himself. He couldn’t help but watch Sirius’ expression with intrigue; there was something else going on there, something else lost up in his eyes. “And everything was okay, like I’d always known it would have been, because I’d constructed all these scenarios, and they always were the exact worst things that could happen. I’d always set up the worst for myself, but that was pointless because none of that ever did happen. So I feel quite pathetic for that, you know?”

Sirius sat there silently for a moment, relating Remus’ situation to his own. He couldn’t help but match the similarities, for instance, in the way Remus had told Lily first, and how that had been different, and how everybody else just seemed so unreachable, and how Sirius had told James, and how he’d gotten rather lost from then onwards.

“Please talk to me, alright?” Remus met him with an odd kind of pleading look: desperate to unravel the mess that seemed to have settled itself so permanently inside Sirius’ head. “It doesn’t have to be now, it just can’t be never. Promise me that. I’m worried about you.”

“You shouldn’t be  _ worried _ .” Sirius even came close to laughing off the notion, because really, he was fine. He’d overthought everything, and this mess was just so very much his own doing. “I’m fine.” Sirius assured him, tucking his hair back behind his ear as he thought for a minute, pulling his gaze across the hospital wing, taking in his surroundings, and coming to recall the morning he’d woken up in one of the beds, after the party, after Remus had really begun to attempt to make sense of the mess he’d built up around himself.

“I need to know that for sure.” Remus told him, following his gaze around the room, but almost cautiously so. “I can’t help but worry, you know? Can we properly talk about it tonight, I’ll get everyone to fuck off again?” His face fell into a grin as he met Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius remained in thought for a moment, coming to imagine a dozen situations in which he might finally come out to Remus. The words made his breath go heavy as his chest still for a moment, with no heart to be found. 

“No.” Sirius shook his head, eventually coming to decide upon something. “Not tonight. Now.” He swallowed hard, feeling his mind beginning to melt away inside his skull. “Then it’s over with, and then I can just  _ leave _ , and you’re here, and we don’t have to go into detail, I can just go to classes and avoid you all day, and you can only properly talk to me about it this evening. That’s easier.”

Remus wasn’t quite as much of a fan of the idea as Sirius was, but if this was the only way he was going to talk to him, then Remus was going to have to respect it. “Isn’t that just going to make you worried about what I’m going to think and what I’m going to say all day?” He asked, wondering if bringing that up wasn’t the best move, as it might cause Sirius to suddenly lose faith in this all again. However, Sirius didn’t.

Sirius shook his head, meeting Remus with a rather placid looking smile. “Because it’s not about what you think. Because I can  _ already _ very easily guess what you’ll think. That’s fine. I’m not fussed about what you think, it’s just  _ saying _ it, like… aloud. It gets caught up in my chest, and then I like properly forget how to speak for a bit, but I feel like it’s just going to kill me if I keep it inside for much longer.”

“Alright.” Remus nodded, not entirely sure how he was supposed to feel about being told that his opinion didn’t count for very much at all. He figured that wasn’t important though, and that the real issue was that Sirius finally said it aloud. “If that’s what you want to do. I’m definitely still going to find you and talk about it properly tonight, whatever it is.”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, pulling his lips up into a smile. “We should. I just… I want to deal with that later, and deal with  _ saying  _ it now. So I’m just gonna, like walk out after I’ve said it, so you can deal with explaining to the others, without actually saying anything of course, but you can have the honour of cleaning up that mess.”

Remus couldn’t help but let out a laugh. “Thank you.” He smiled, unable to keep his eyes from flickering between the rather confident smile on Sirius’ face, and the way it contrasted with his hands, shaking furiously in his lap. “I’m honoured. It’ll be alright. And you’re going back to class, aren’t you? You’re not going to go sulk off somewhere for the rest of the day? I’m not having that. You’re going back to class, alright?”

“Yeah,  _ yeah _ .” Sirius rolled his eyes; he’d  _ probably _ go back to class. It wasn’t like he had all that much else to do anyway. “Your prefect is showing, like a  _ lot _ .” He gave way to a laugh. “I thought you were world’s shittiest prefect, strange to see you suddenly giving a shit.”

Remus would argue that he did actually give very much of a shit, and that he was very responsible, thank you very much. He figured however, that now wasn’t really the right time. “I just don’t want you to get into trouble for being out of class, alright? I swear that half the time you and James are just trying to get more detentions than each other. It’s bloody ridiculous. You’re an  _ idiot _ .” Remus told him, smiling in awfully fond way. It was kind of awfully gay too, but Remus decided that now wasn’t the time to address his own sexuality, and just how he felt when he looked at Sirius, because that was a whole new mess that he just didn’t need, especially not in that moment.

“Sorry.” Sirius felt awfully inclined to apologise suddenly, his cheeks heating up as he did his best to pull himself together enough just to  _ say _ it. “I promise you I’m not going to try and get myself detention, alright? I’m not that attached to McGonagall as James is. It’s kind of weird actually, isn’t it? Like-”

“ _ Sirius _ .” Remus interrupted him, raising his eyebrows, coming to notice the tangent that Sirius was attempting to sweep himself up on rather quickly. Really as much as Sirius had wished he could have gotten away with it, he needed Remus to bring him back to the ground, to the matter of pulling himself together and finally saying the things that needed to be said. He reckoned it was really getting ridiculous now.

“Yeah…” He let out a sigh, getting up from the bed, and meeting Remus’ eyes just for a brief moment. “So…” He began, not entirely sure how he should phrase it at all. In the end, he figured that it didn’t quite matter so much at all, considering the fact that he’d pretty much be making a run for the door the moment the words left his lips. He could deal with the aftermath later, this was just a matter of spitting it out.

“So?” Remus grew impatient, meeting his eyes with an inquisitive look.

“So…” Sirius continued, taking a breath deeper than anyone he’d taken before; he felt that this seemed to warrant that. “I’m… like. Well not like… I’m actually just really fucking gay.”

And suddenly that was that.

-

Sirius only went to his final two classes that day. It was a vague sort of compromise on the basis that he didn’t just bunk off the entire day, but he also didn’t have to sit and endure the odd looks that James, Peter, and Lily wouldn’t no doubt give him. Of course, he could just explain it all to them, but he was tired of it all and more than anything else, he just wanted some time to himself.

The time he got to himself was spent hidden up in their dormitory, under the covers of his bed, with his head off elsewhere, off in a world where he hadn’t just come out to his best friend and sort of maybe crush and then just walked off, leaving that to rattle around his head for the rest of the day. Still, he couldn’t help but dread the confrontation, when Remus would get out of the hospital wing, and they’d talk as he’d promised that they would.

Most of all, Sirius was scared, and he just couldn’t quite muster up very much of that Gryffindor bravery then at all. He reckoned it was a bit tragic really, but he was trying. He had tried, he’d told Remus at least, instead of just prolonging it further, and hiding away further inside himself. It couldn’t be as bad as he thought, because really, the last thing that was going to happen was that Remus would be a dick about it. Sirius knew that well, but still, it didn’t quite sink in.

The last two classes he had attended he didn’t share with either James, Peter, or Lily, and he would have liked to believe that it wasn’t the sole reason he attended them, but he didn’t see much point in lying to himself. He’d kept to himself mostly and no one had really gone as far as to acknowledge how he’d been missing earlier. Although, Marlene did give him a weird sort of concerned look as he passed her in the corridors, and Sirius couldn’t help but worry that Lily might have told her something about what had happened. As much as he did like Marlene, this just wasn’t her business. Really, it just wasn’t anybody’s business, but still, Sirius found himself concerning other people with it regardless.

After his final class of the day, Sirius had hoped to make it back up to the dormitories, where he could continue to hide away and refuse to talk to anyone for just about as long as possible, but it was as if Remus had seen that coming, and stood waiting for him just outside the common room with a warming kind of smile on his face. Sirius couldn’t help but let out a great heave of a sigh, not even having expected that Remus would have been out of the hospital wing by now, and that it would have been until the evening at least. 

He found that the only thing he could appreciate from the situation was that at least it was just Remus who’d found him, and for the moment, it was just Remus he’d have to talk to. Sirius continued to find relief in that,  _ until _ the sudden realisation that Remus knew hit him rather like a sack of bricks, and suddenly he stood there, staring at him like he’d pretty much entirely forgotten how to breathe. Remus seemed to notice this and come to quickly make sense of it, and where Sirius had expected a full on investigation, Remus instead offered him a sympathetic smile and began to lead him down the stairs away from the common room.

Sirius thought he should have probably said something, or immediately leaped into a full on explanation of his own understanding of his sexuality, accompanied by his entire life story, but Remus didn’t seem to ask for anything like that. In fact, the two remained in an oddly comfortable silence as they made their way down the stairs to the ground floor of the castle. Sirius didn’t think to really ask Remus where exactly they were headed, and instead chose just to trust him as he lead him out into the grounds. It wasn’t the nicest of days, but Sirius could appreciate that they’d get a little more privacy out there.

The sky had faded out into a perfect shade of stormy grey, and the rain it preluded to seemed only minutes away. Still, the two walked on, past the cold chill to the breeze that began to make work of sweeping the leaves from the trees. Sirius found himself noting to himself that this looked like autumn was finally really beginning. It was a long time coming as after all, the weather had seemed far too summery and nice to last.

The two came to a stop a little way away from the lake, Remus first sitting down by a tree a good several meters away. Sirius sat beside him, glancing around and finding that they were mostly sheltered off from the rest of the grounds, and that Remus had done well in picking the most private of locations. Sirius began to muse for a moment, wondering if he’d spent hours of his day in the hospital wing just choosing where they’d sit to have this conversation. He would have liked to imagine that the choice of scenery hadn’t been Remus’ biggest concern in all of this, but in a way it was calming, and Sirius began to feel a great deal more like that his sexuality suddenly wasn’t the be all and end all of everything.

“It really wasn’t what I was expecting at all, you know?” Remus began to speak before Sirius could even begin to contemplate it. He wasn’t nearly as surprised as he was grateful though; he found himself dreading beginning their conversation more than anything else in the world. “Then when I thought about it, though, then it began to make quite a lot of sense, you know? Especially with all those questions.” He couldn’t help but grin, raising his eyebrows across at Sirius.

“Yeah…” Sirius let out a sigh, stretching his legs out across the grass, beginning to kick at the ground a little. “It wasn’t what I was expecting either. You know, like… I never really thought about it, like never even really seriously considered it, like it was just out of the question, like something I couldn’t possibly be, you know? And that’s a bit fucked, because like… I don’t know how I missed the fact that I’m not like attracted to girls at all, and just like assumed I was straight because that’s like the fucking ‘default’ and it’s… a bit fucked really.” He shook his head, glancing across at Remus for reassurance, and was comforted by the quick nod Remus offered him.

“It’s perfectly fine, perfectly normal.” Remus made a point of assuring him, finding that the more Sirius began to explain things, just the more sense it made. “There’s no way that straight is the ‘default’ sexuality, there’s no fucking thing as a default sexuality, it’s a lot of bullshit.”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, biting down on his bottom lip for a moment. Really, as awkward as he felt going into detail, he found it oddly therapeutic, because, as if just to go against every worry that Sirius’d had, Remus was nothing more than understanding. “I mean… I’ve not even had it figured out for very long at all, so I’m a bit… weird with it all still, but I’m just like…  _ really  _ gay. Like, it’s honestly beyond me how I didn’t ever notice it before.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh a little, wondering just exactly ‘really gay’ might equate to. Really, where Remus should have been was just fully in support of Sirius figuring himself out and coming to terms with who he was, but he couldn’t help the part of his mind that could only wonder just what this might mean for his stupid fucking crush on Sirius. As shallow as he felt to focus on that so soon, he had to admit that it suddenly looked a hell of an awful lot like he might have a chance, and after so long, he just suddenly found he had no idea how to properly stomach that at all.

“How exactly did you figure it out?” Remus found himself curious, doing all he could to make this a casual kind of normal conversation, despite the way Sirius’ heads were so obviously trembling in his lap. He wished he could do something to calm him entirely but he had to accept that he just didn’t have all the power in the world. “I mean, after so long, must have took  _ something _ , I mean?”

“It was about when you came out.” Sirius began, thinking back to the time the two had found themself with such a similar conversation on their lips. “I mean, before that I’d never really thought about other sexualities and the idea that people like you or people like me could be things that weren’t straight. It made me think, and… ask a lot of questions.” He couldn’t help but blush as he found Remus nothing short of giggling at him. “It was when you described how it felt to be attracted to people when it first sort of properly hit me, because that was not how I felt about girls at all, but I sort of got that with boys. It was all awkwardly suppressed, and honestly my sexuality is a big fucking mess, but then it started to make sense. And then I basically freaked the fuck out, big time.”

“You should have told me sooner.” Remus met him with a warm kind of smile that Sirius wasn’t entirely sure he deserved. “I would have helped you, and don’t you dare ever think that I would have judged you, and then you wouldn’t have been in nearly such a mess about it as you were keeping it all to yourself.”

“I was scared.” Sirius made a desperate attempt to defend himself, meeting Remus with a pathetic kind of pleading look set in his eyes. “And then I told James so like… it wasn’t like I was keeping it entirely to myself. I didn’t entirely  _ want _ to tell James but-”

“Was that what that was about?” Remus’ eyes widened, suddenly connecting all the dots and cursing himself for having ignored this completely as a possibility, because honestly it had never even crossed his mind.

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, letting out a sigh as he came to remember how it had really all started with James’ accusation that he had a crush on Remus, and well, Sirius kind of figured that he’d been at least half right, because he found that he kind of did. He just couldn’t quite understand it yet. “That was that mess. So I told James at least.”

“I’m glad you did that.” Remus told him, coming to recall all the mess surrounding James and Sirius’ fallout in a whole new light. “Probably wasn’t easy, and not the best of circumstances either.”

“It wasn’t. I’m not good at this trusting people and coming out thing, you know?” Sirius let out an awkward kind of self-deprecating laugh. “Especially with me just running out this morning.” He couldn’t help but feel just a little bit embarrassed about it all in hindsight. The thing was that once he’d actually come out, it really didn’t seem like very much of a struggle at all.

“Especially when you didn’t really go to your classes like you promised.” Remus met him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. In reality however, he wasn’t nearly as upset with him as he’d pretended to be.

“I went to two!” Sirius protested, feeling that those two classes should at least count for something. “I  _ tried _ .”

“Still not all of them like you promised, is it, though?” Remus shook his head in mock disappointment, but in reality he just couldn’t wipe the grin from his face.

“ _ Still _ …” Sirius shook his head, doing all he could to argue his case. “I  _ tried _ .” He met Remus with a smile, because that was the thing, he had tried, and things hadn’t come out anywhere near as bad as he’d suspected that they might have.

-

The two spent the afternoon together, not going back up to the Gryffindor common room to meet with the others until later, when afternoon fazed out into evening, and the air grew colder, and the grey skies finally erupted with rain. Really, it was largely just the rain itself that had drawn them out of the grounds and back into the castle, as now that the air had cleared between the two and secrets became secrets no more, the two both agreed that there was nothing quite as comforting as each other’s company.

The rain came down hard though, and it did quite the job of quickly wiping away any illusion of comfort and security. It came like a tidal wave of reality and Sirius found his mind swept back into the present and forced onto the matter of talking to the others. It was a responsibility he could have avoided, something he could have convinced Remus to push away onto an infinite number of tomorrows, but he knew now that there was little point in that.

It wasn’t that James, Peter, and Lily were particularly  _ waiting _ for them in the common room, but they definitely did look across at them expectantly the very moment that Remus and Sirius made it inside. Before Sirius could quite turn to Remus for any sort of moral support or advice or something of the like, James was at his feet and racing over to the two of them, somewhat like he was a kid who’d had far,  _ far _ too much sugar, which seemed to be sort of a constant state for James, the more Sirius thought about it.

“Sirius, mate, what the fuck happened?” James turned to address Sirius directly, almost as if Remus wasn’t there at all. Remus found that he didn’t mind all that much; he’d never much been one for having everyone’s attention upon him, and he could easily see why James could be so concerned about Sirius, seeing as he had spent the majority of the day being so himself.

Sirius gave an uncomfortable shrug, glancing past him to where Lily and Peter remained sat down, perhaps just a little less overexcited about the whole ordeal than James was. He then turned to Remus, hoping he’d somehow impossibly be able to just give him all the answers, and the right ideas about what to say about everything. 

Eventually Remus gave in, letting out a sigh, and coming to conclude that maybe it would be easier for all of them if he answered for him. “We were having a talk about some things.” He explained, turning to James, who he suddenly came to remember actually knew about Sirius’ sexuality. Despite that, there was no absence in the nerves that seemed to be practically dripping off Sirius’ skin.

“Oh…?” James did try not to be overly nosy or intrusive, despite the fact that it was kind of a default for him, so Sirius found that he at least had to respect him for that. “So… I mean… like this morning, when you ran out and then didn’t go to any classes? Did you talk about that?” James couldn’t help himself and Sirius could see that there was still so much more just right on the tip of his tongue.

“I went to my last two classes.” Sirius told him, still finding that he was clinging perhaps unnecessarily hard to that. “But yeah, that, and like…” He glanced around anxiously, only turning back to James once he had determined for certain that no one was listening in. “Like… my sexuality. That was the  _ thing _ .”

“ _ Oh _ .” James’ eyes widened, suddenly coming to get a much better grasp of the situation. He then proceeded to look quickly between Remus and Sirius, and do his best not to let a smirk slip onto his lips; he wasn’t successful. “So, did that go alright?”

“Yeah.” Sirius’ response was rather blunt, feeling that James was perhaps dangerously close to saying something that he just really didn’t want to hear. “So… like… I should… I  _ want _ to come out to like Pete and Lily.” He blushed a horrible shade of red, turning back up to Remus for support. “Remus said that would be a good idea.”

“It would.” Remus assured him with a knowing look in his eyes. All in all, James was finding it increasingly difficult not to say something that would result in Sirius slapping him clean across the face. “Trust me.”

Sirius nodded, turning back to James, who stood there with terrible ideas just seconds away from slipping out his mouth. “Can you get them to come up to the dorm, so it’s a bit more private, you know?”

James nodded, turning away and back to Peter and Lily, who looked a little lost, glancing over at James, Sirius, and Remus, with a constantly dwindling hope for getting a clear idea of what it was that was actually happening. Sirius found himself stuck for a moment, just lost in thought as he watched them; he was pulled out of his trance with Remus’ hand around his wrist, dragging him gently away and leading him upstairs to their dormitory. He wondered if he should have anything to say to Remus, if he should have anything to say for himself even, but he found that he didn’t, and that the silence didn’t push the need for anything more.

-

“So what exactly is this?” Lily met him with an odd kind of skeptical look in her eyes as she rather unwillingly let James Potter drag her up to his dormitory. It was definitely a questionable situation in her eyes, and Sirius reckoned he just really couldn’t blame her for that. If there was anyone to blame, it was definitely James.

“Well…” Sirius began, taking in a deep breath as he glanced between Remus and James, unsure as to who might be the most prepared to provide him with any form of moral support. “I need to say something, that’s like important, and like James and Remus already know, but you should too, because you’re my friends and there’s no point in keeping secrets. Honestly it shouldn’t be a secret at all, it really shouldn’t be something I feel like I have to hide.”

“Is this a bad thing?” Pete looked around anxiously, finding that he had just about no idea as to just it was that Sirius was addressing. It wasn’t often that he was very clued up about what was happening though, so he didn’t address it with a significant amount of concern.

“No.” Remus answered for him, a little concerned that Sirius might burst off into some self-deprecating apology or something, which admittedly might make Sirius himself feel just that little bit better, but Remus knew that it just wasn’t going to be helping anyone at all in the long term.

“Right…” Lily trailed off, turning her attention to James for a moment, finding herself unsure what Sirius could have possibly decided to trust James with, because as much as James really did only ever mean well when it came to his friends, there was no denying the fact that he was a bit careless at times, especially concerning trust and secrets. “So what exactly is this?”

“Uhh…” Sirius immediately found his cheeks heating up to what was definitely an embarrassingly bright shade of red. “It’s… It’s…” He cut himself off, suddenly finding that every word of the English language had immediately disappeared from his vocabulary.

“Are you alright?” James asked him, shooting him a look of concern, which he turned to face Remus with once Sirius seemed to show very little recognition of his words at all. “Is he alright?” He addressed Remus as if he was psychically aware of every thought that had ever ran through Sirius’ mind which was really far from the truth. If did have that power he was sure that today was a day that had come much sooner. He wondered if that was for the better though; it was definitely important that SIrius did this in his own time, and because he wanted to, and not because Remus was here to pressure him into it.

“Look.” Remus let out a sigh, blocking everyone else out for a moment as he turned to properly face Sirius. “Look, Sirius, you don’t have to do this right now if you’re not ready. Don’t ever feel like you  _ have _ to, because then I’ll just feel like shit for pressuring you into something that makes you uncomfortable, alright? No one’s going to mind if you leave it a while, because they’re your friends and they care about you, so they’ll respect if you’re not ready to talk about something yet.” He raised his voice a little to the end, just to ensure that what he was telling Sirius really did sink in for Lily and Peter. Not that he expected them to be awkward about it; he just wanted to make sure.

“Yeah.” Peter added, not quite as enthusiastically as Remus would have liked him to, but he’d tried, so he had to respect him for that. Still, it seemed to calm Sirius down enough for him to properly turn to Peter and Lily again.

“So…” He tried again, unable to stop his voice trembling as he spoke, but he’d come to accept that as an unavoidable inconvenience by this point. “I’m… like… I have something to tell you, and it’s kind of important, and kind of like destroying me a bit, but I just need to say it. So like… I kind of… uhh… I’m like… I…” Again he felt his words lodging in his throat, but he knew he had to do this, he had to force himself through it, because it was going to be nowhere near as bad once he’d just said it. 

“Go on.” Remus placed a comforting hand on his back for a moment, hoping he’d prompt him to continue without forcing him or anything like that. He found that he kind of wanted to get it over with as much as Sirius did, because he could see the inquisitive looking in Lily’s eyes growing by the minute, and he couldn’t deny that would could possibly be up in her head causing it concerned him.

Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He suddenly found himself hit with an odd rush of adrenaline that he really hadn’t expected, and it was with that which he managed to push on and continue. “I’m gay.”

The silence that followed seemed so much that Sirius almost immediately found himself drowning in it. He almost wanted to continue just to fill it, just to break it apart and keep himself afloat. Quickly enough, however, he saw Lily’s lips parting as a smile fitted itself firmly on her face.

“You know what, Sirius?” She met him with what quickly transformed into a grin. “I saw that coming.” Remus was then left to do his best to avoid the amused look that Lily proceeded to address him with. He found that he was suddenly the one so eager to put off a rather important conversation, and that was of course just what this all meant for his crush on Sirius, and really he had just been trying not to think about that.

“I didn’t!” Peter exclaimed, looking frantically around at the others. “Since when? What? Is  _ anyone _ straight anymore?” The laughter that followed that was of course unavoidable.

“I’m straight.” James added, trying not to glance across at Lily  _ too _ obviously as he spoke. Not that it mattered very much considering that the entire world knew about his crush on Lily by now.

“Yeah. I’ve noticed.” Lily shook her head, rolling her eyes. Remus didn’t miss the slight blush they shared however, and he knew for certain that it was something he’d be bringing up the instant Lily came to address whatever she thought might end up going on between him and Sirius.

-

Sirius had decided that he’d had his fair share of pressing conversations by that evening, as the five of them sat in the corner of the common room, mostly half-asleep, and Sirius was pretty confident that Peter was actually asleep, and that Remus would be too pretty soon. Sure enough, it had all ended up okay in the end, and Sirius felt the most comfortable with himself that he’d felt in months; it was a whole new kind of relief really - a sensation he’d struggled to even comprehend, but soon enough to become one that he perhaps couldn’t do without.

As much as he wanted to escape within himself and let the room fade to a comforting shade of black around him, he couldn’t help but spot a rather particular silhouette across the room. He leaned forward and the figure stepped into the light, and it quickly became clear that it was much more than a silhouette indeed. She eyed him carefully, as if concerned that parting their gazes might shatter the world in two, yet as if she was just so intrigued to see what might happen if they did.

Truthfully, Sirius wasn’t at all sure as to just what Marlene McKinnon was exactly doing staring at him so intently from across the common room, but he found himself comfortable in settling to conclude that he wasn’t quite so fussed to find out. He turned his gaze back to James, passing him a lazy smile, before he gave up and closed his eyes, for what he’d intended to just be a brief moment or so, but in reality, he didn’t open them again until the sun sent streaks of gold across the morning sky.

It was the early morning, and Sirius was anything but fully awake, still he found himself stretching a little and glancing around the room. He quickly recognised that all four of his friends were actually fully asleep, which wasn’t quite so odd on its own, he was just much more so intrigued by the fact that Lily had voluntarily fallen asleep on a sofa next to James Potter when she could have gone up to her dormitory any time she wanted. Sirius didn’t find himself with a desire to think very much of it, but he still couldn’t stop himself from remarking it as a little odd. 

He found himself with something a great deal more odd to ponder upon very quickly however, as he spotted Marlene from across the room, now sat behind him, with no evidence of being at all tired evident upon her face, as it instead held a look of intent so strong that Sirius couldn’t help but feel more than a little unnerved. He didn’t bother to think if she’d been there the whole night and instead got to his feet this time, stepping away from his friends and across the room to Marlene, where she’d stood up to meet him.

“What’s going on?” Sirius’ voice was quiet, little more than a whisper, but somehow still deathly loud in the still and quiet of the common room. He put it down to the hour, to the early morning, to the odd transition period where the day was yet to quite begin; there was a distinct lack of anything feeling particularly real, and Sirius couldn’t deny that he found solace in that.

“Narcissa needs to talk to you. It’s  _ important _ .” She stressed the word ‘important’ in a way that Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable with. He found that he didn’t quite  _ want _ to imagine just exactly what his cousin needed to discuss so urgently with him.

It was then that Sirius’ attention was turned to where Marlene had previously been sat: a sofa turned away from him, as Narcissa seemed to appear out of the darkness, as if out of nowhere and meet him with a hesitant smile. Sirius just couldn’t deny that the whole situation was nothing but odd, still he found that he just might as well hear them out, it wasn’t as if he particularly had anything better to do, and it wasn’t as if he was anything but intrigued.

“There’s something you need to know.” Narcissa’s voice came out rather flatly, as if it was forced somehow, and very much as if this was all something that she didn’t find herself particularly over the moon with saying. “It’s not… nice to hear but it’s important and it’s the truth, as far as I know. It’s not something you’re going to want to listen to but it’s what happened. With your dad that night.” It was then everything around Sirius began to freeze.

Narcissa took Sirius’ silence as a prompt for her to continue, despite the fact that in reality, it was just pretty much anything but that. “They were arguing, about…  _ something _ . It’s… to do with… things are happening. You’ve noticed that, haven’t you? Not just around Hogwarts, but the whole wizarding world. It just feels like things are getting a little bit darker. Things are. Someone wants to influence things. Malfoy has this box. He’s almost scared of it. I don’t know what’s inside it, but it listens and it hears everything, it talks back and tells him what to do, and what will happen if he doesn’t do it. It’s a dark kind of magic, he can’t get rid of it, it’s almost like it’s bound to him.”

Sirius’ eyes widened as he continued to listen to her explanation. As much as he didn’t like Malfoy at all, he found that this overruled that, because whatever it was, it was definitely much more of an issue than how much of a prat Lucius Malfoy was.

“What we think…” Narcissa continued, trailing off as she glanced momentarily at Marlene, as if searching for the confidence to go on. “Is that… your father and uncle Alphard, well… your father wanted to make someone happy, someone higher up, someone in charge of this all, who wanted his influence around the wizarding world, inside places like Hogwarts… he wanted you to have one as well. And Alphard… he died trying to stop him.”

-


	17. this is a long ass chapter

Sirius found himself watching the day begin from the owlery tower. It was one of the highest points in the school, leaving him with a scenic, kind of picturesque view of the sunrise, letting the morning settle into the world around him as if this was a movie, or an oil painting, set perfectly on canvas, as if his morning was perfectly planned and arranged with beauty and perfection intent. The reality however, was very far from that, as although the view might have been wondrous, what had brought him there certainly wasn’t.

He reckoned he was at least doing a pretty decent job of holding himself together, of not breaking down, of not bursting into tears, of keeping himself together, keeping his head on his shoulders and focused on what it was that he had to do. Sirius had been very particular in deciding just what it was that he  _ had _ to do. Often he let himself skirt around responsibility, avoid everything that wasn’t pressing, just push every off, push everything away, to an infinite number of tomorrows; he found that he was awfully good at it all, and in fact found himself rather frequently getting away with it. But things were different this time.

This time around things mattered. This time around it all held an awful lot of weight, and it was the fact that the weight it held wasn’t just on Sirius himself, but on people he cared about, on other people around him, and to a lesser extent everyone he knew. He’d come to conclude that deciding what he should do wasn’t a matter of fancy and choice, but instead based on what was right, and what overall, he  _ had _ to do, to fix things, to try, to at least attempt to make everything better, even if up in his head, he couldn’t visualise a world in which he’d ever managed to fix things.

He stood idly beside the owlery window for a good few minutes. It wasn’t that he was wasting time, although in his heart he might have been, instead, he found himself waiting. He ended up waiting for perhaps a little longer than he would have liked to, but he excused Regulus, his brother, who was only thirteen, far too young for all of this, far too young to be getting up so early in the morning to meet him secretly, and that was only the start of it.

Regulus met him with a small, almost timid, smile and a nod, closing the door to the staircase behind him as he entered the room, his eyes darting across to the owls resting up on their perches. He found himself watching them for a moment, entranced by what Sirius had even given a second’s thought to. Sirius only came to pay the dozens of owls any kind of proper attention at all as he followed his brother’s gaze over to them. 

The two brothers were different in many ways; Regulus was attentive where Sirius was not, for instance. They definitely shared more similarities than they would perhaps care to: more similarities than they had noted at least. Two opposing houses meant nothing compared to blood - they were still very much brothers, and they still loved each other, even if the ways they thought to show it were suppressed and hidden, even buried deep underneath the mess of prejudices and loyalties they had been smothered with - it was far too much for two teenage boys really. It was all far too much for two teenage boys really, yet still, there they stood, in the owlery that morning, watching the sunrise.

Sirius finally grew comfortable with the idea of breaking their silence, growing tired of watching Regulus’ eyes dart between the birds, as if indexing each and everyone of them to his memory. Sirius couldn’t deny that he just didn’t think they mattered that much: it was perhaps something he would have cared little enough to voice aloud, if perhaps they found themselves in entirely different circumstances, if perhaps he hadn’t come to realise that life wasn’t so much about picking people apart on the basis of how they differed to you, but more so about focusing on the things you had in common, the things that brought you together - good or bad.

What had brought the two brothers together that morning still lay unspoken, like a cool breeze in the autumn air. Sirius couldn’t fight the instinct in the back of his mind, the overwhelming want to just will it all away, his wish for more than anything, it would all just disappear. Needless to say, it wasn’t something they could treasure, yet still, it wasn’t something they could hide away from - not anymore. Sirius had recently found that it did matter, even though of course it had before, suddenly it just had weight, reason, gravity, and a baring sense of responsibility no longer wavering over, but pressing directly into his chest.

Sirius hadn’t wanted to pull his brother into it all. Admittedly, now that Regulus was there with him, he couldn’t deny that his company and his share of the responsibility was something Sirius was immensely thankful for. Initially, however, he’d imagined that he’d like Regulus to have as little to do with it as possible, because as much as Sirius did tend to argue that he disliked him, that the two didn’t get along, Regulus was still his brother, his young brother, and he couldn’t deny the instinctual urge to protect him.

Regulus had been insistent, and he’d had a point, because it was  _ their _ father, not just Sirius’. It was the family they shared and the blood between them that had brought them together, but it was much more than that which ensured they stayed. Sirius had never really hated his brother half as much as he claimed too. Regulus had only ever looked up at him with admiration. Still, with all their cards laid out on the table, the two eyed one another with disbelief, with a certain wariness, with fear in their eyes. They weren’t scared of each other, just of what would become of it all, what would become of the both of them, what would become of them together, as they had unified for the first time.

“What have you written?” The words left Sirius’ lips with much more ease than he had accounted for. He had never set out to be pessimistic, but in his head, this whole situation had been difficult, complex, a jumbled mess of dislikes and fears, and in reality, he found that it was hardly living up to his expectations.

It was then, with Sirius’ words fading away into the air, gently, slowly, almost a little reluctantly, that Regulus turned back to face his brother and reached into his jacket pocket. He produced a folded up piece of parchment, yellowed slightly at the edges, and held it out to Sirius between long, bony fingertips. Regulus had always been thinner than his brother; he was awkwardly lanky, almost, and looked as if he might never properly grow into his bones. He was also definitely on the path for ending up taller than Sirius too, which was just something that Sirius wasn’t quite yet ready to admit.

Sirius took the parchment from his brother, making little haste in unfolding it, straightening it out a little, before beginning to read the letter Regulus had written in a thick black ink, that had smudged and pooled in several places. He found that his younger brother’s handwriting wasn’t the easiest of things to read but he got there in the end, making sense of the messy, inconsistent, sprawled cursive in no longer than a minute.

“You’re being too nice about it all.” Sirius finished, pulling his head back up to face his brother, his tone almost bitter as he thrust the parchment back towards him. “There’s nothing nice about it.” He continued just as Regulus had opened his mouth to speak. “Nothing nice about it all.” 

Sirius turned back towards the window, taking in a great sigh, a breath of cool morning air. He watched the skyline for just a moment, focusing on the trees of the forbidden forest, and how it seemed to stretch out forever. It seemed endless. Sirius had found that rather recently, a lot of things did too.

“Polite.” Regulus finally found the time to get his words across. His tone was a stubborn kind of assertive that Sirius found himself unable to care for very much, but still he stood idly and listened, only if little more than for the fact that Regulus was his brother. “I’m being  _ polite _ . There’s a difference. I didn’t expect you’d know it, seeing as you’ve hardly bothered to be polite in your life.”

Sirius found himself silent. Oddly so, for never once had he just let people make such judgements about him, especially with no repercussions. It was an odd morning. It was all too odd in general really. The thing was that Sirius just reckoned that Regulus really wasn’t all that wrong in his observations. It quickly became apparent that Regulus had expected Sirius to retaliate just as much as Sirius had expected himself to. Instead they were left with a silence, a gap to fill, as Sirius found himself thinking, his mind drawn back to Regulus’ letter.

“Maybe it’s better you’re nice about things.” Sirius didn’t take pleasure in admitting that he might have been wrong. He certainly carried a stereotypical Gryffindor stubborn sense of pride, and he definitely made no secret out of it, yet still, the morning and the situation seemed to call for something else entirely. “Polite, whatever.” He corrected himself, watching the way Regulus’ face quickly changed and his lips parted to speak.

“I don’t know.” Regulus admitted, taking a great heave of a sigh as he sat down upon the windowsill, placing the letter beside him, between him and Sirius. “I mean, how are you supposed to tell anyone this? Let alone how are you supposed to tell your mother this, and how are you supposed to expect her to go against your father, even with all that’s happened. It’s not normal, all this family hierarchy and prides, all these expectations, it’s not normal, it’s really not.”

Sirius found himself smiling for the first time that morning. Slowly, almost reluctantly, he definitely found that he was warming up to his brother. Things were changing, even if this was just the beginning. “It’s not.” He agreed, reaching down and picking up the letter once more. Silence settled back in around them as Sirius read it over once more.

“It’s good.” He decided, beginning to set it down again but stopping himself instead. He locked eyes with Regulus and bit his lip, losing himself in thought for just a moment. “I don’t know how else you could say it. I don’t know how else you can explain all that’s happened and hope that she might believe it. I couldn’t do better. She likes you much more anyway, she’d never believe a word I say.”

“That's not normal.” Regulus continued, watching as Sirius just held the letter there for a moment. “None of this is normal.” His voice grew a little louder, and then faded back out to little more than a whisper. “None of this is fucking normal.”

Sirius opened his mouth, searching for something to say, something that he hoped might console his brother, might fix their situation impossibly, but Regulus interrupted him before he had even began. “He murdered our uncle. Our dad murdered our uncle. And I have this horrible fucking feeling nothing’s going to come of it. No one’s going to care. It’s just going to get brushed under the rug, washed away and forgotten.”

“It can’t be.” Sirius told him, his voice growing with sincerity. “Not this time.” He found that he was unusually sure of himself, even in a way that he found began to surprise himself. “This is just the beginning. It’s going to grow, everything’s just going to get worse unless people put a stop to it now. So even if they don’t listen, even if our… mother doesn’t listen… even if that happens, it won’t be ignored forever. It can’t be.”

Regulus nodded. He remained sat on the windowsill, wishing for even a drop of Gryffindor bravery, of something of his own to believe in as he watched his brother, the brother he admired despite everything else, muster all the courage in the world and give his letter to a tall brown owl nearest the window. Sirius watched the owl fly off until it was just a spot on the horizon, almost invisible in the distance. Regulus wanted to join him, but he suddenly felt as if his feet were bolted to the ground.

Sirius turned back to face him eventually, quickly recognising the concern, the regret burning in his brother’s eyes. He let out a sigh, making his way across the owlery to sit down beside him.

“She has to know.” Sirius assured him, his voice holding more confidence that he truly felt that he had. “We can’t let him get away this… it’s murder… it doesn’t matter if he’s our father. Blood doesn’t matter anymore. Blood doesn’t count for shit.”

“Yeah.” Regulus gave a nod, stretching his legs out across the owlery floor. “The people that thought blood really mattered are the people that allowed us to get into this mess into the first place. The boxes, the murder, it’s all… it means something, and that’s what scares me the most.”

Sirius fell silent that time, suddenly overwhelmed by the unavoidable truth in his brother’s words, and the matter of beginning to imagine what that could possibly mean, for him, for the both of them, for the rest of the world.

-

It wasn’t that Remus had been  _ avoiding  _ Lily, it was just that he had been making excuses for himself to avoid being in her vicinity, especially alone, especially in a situation that gave them an opportunity to talk, to talk about things that might have carried a little more weight than Remus found himself particularly prepared to deal with. He reckoned that probably did sound a lot like he was avoiding her, and if he was being totally honest with himself, he kind of was. 

Above everything else, he was scared. Remus found that he only tended to get properly scared when it absolutely didn’t matter at all. He found himself significantly more comfortable and at ease with transforming into a werewolf on the full moon than he was with talking to one of his best friends about something that might matter vaguely enough to be sort of mildly uncomfortable. He never claimed to understand how his mind worked, after all.

Inevitability found itself to soon catch up to him however, as he had always been well aware that he couldn’t avoid Lily forever. They were friends after all; they saw each other, they spoke to one another, and that was a fact of life that Remus struggled with avoiding. Remus had found himself getting away with a good few days, almost bordering on a whole week before inevitability finally struck in the form of his Arithmancy class - a class he shared with Lily, a class in which his only proper friend was Lily.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like her or anything quite as drastic as that. Admittedly, he didn’t even want to avoid her, he just wanted to avoid certain topics of conversation. He just wanted to avoid a certain outcome and facing up to a certain reality. That outcome, that reality, was of course the matter of Sirius’ sexuality, what had happened after he’d came out to them, and just what Lily reckoned that meant for Remus’ crush. That stupid little crush that Remus was still so very intent upon denying, upon repressing with all that he had. Deep down, he realistically knew that repressing it was easily the worst thing he could do about it, but he found for some reason, under a different light, it just seemed an easier alternative than properly facing up to it. Even for just a  moment.

Remus had been late to class. It wasn’t a practice he frequented or was particularly fond of, despite the behaviour of his closest friends. He made his way in quietly, doing his best to avoid being noticed as he kept to the back wall, sneaking himself into his seat, the one beside Lily, as if he’d been there the whole time. 

He didn’t for one second imagine that he’d actually get away with it, but for some reason, it seemed as if luck had decided that it was on his side that day. Remus didn’t reckon he deserved luck’s favour or anything of that ilk, but he definitely just sat down and accepted it without question. He wasn’t the person to go out of the way to push and test his luck. Remus was a little different from his friends in that regard, as that was certainly a prominent trait held by James, Sirius, and Peter - Peter to a lesser extent, but it was still prevalent and definitely multiplied in the presence of the other two boys. 

Remus couldn’t help but feel that he was just a little different from the other three in quite a multitude of ways, these were just concerns that he’d never felt the courage to voice. He’d always imagined it would cause more mess than it really was worth. One trait that he’d always felt had really separated him from the other three was his sexuality. It might have just been him over exaggerating his situation out of anxiety alone, but he always felt that it was the one thing that had distanced him the most from them; that reason had partly been why he’d been so hesitant to come out to his friends. Of course, however, that had all changed the moment Sirius came out, and Remus rather suddenly began to question himself entirely, wondering if he had any cause to declare himself as that different at all.

In all honesty, Sirius’ sexuality had caused an awful lot of mess up inside Remus’ head. Admittedly, some of it was good, welcome, some mess to clear the silence, some mess to form into answers, in the place of nothingness, finally a response to so many questions. There was however, no avoiding the fact that it had pretty much turned his head on its side; somehow everything had changed for Remus, and he really didn’t have the slightest idea as to how he was supposed to feel about it.

Deep down, he’d always really known that his crush on Sirius didn’t seem like it was in much of a hurry to go away. He’d just always been so persistent with lying to Lily, hoping that if he repeated it aloud, enough times to enough people, it would all go away; he never quite believed that himself, but he’d found himself stuck with the belief that he might as well just have tried. With the matter of Sirius’ sexuality, however, it seemed a lot harder to bury. It just seemed all the more real, and Remus couldn’t help but wonder what Sirius might think, about him, about all of this, if he ever did find out. 

Part of Remus might have even prefered it when he’d thought Sirius was straight, because at least then he could hide this all away, he could avoid it, he could let it fade away in the back of his mind, and really there had just been a whole lot less for him to worry about.

“Where have you been?” Lily turned to face him momentarily, not straying her gaze long enough from the front of the room to attract any unnecessary attention to the two of them, but for long enough to ensure that she’d captured Remus’ attention, and that he couldn’t just try away and shrug it off. 

Needless to say, Lily had noticed Remus’ behaviour over the past few days, and what had been definite attempts on his part to avoid her. It wasn’t that she was offended, or particularly hurt, or anything like that. In actual fact, she found herself hit with confusion, more than anything else.

Remus gave a shrug, not caring if Lily caught it out of the corner of her eyes or not. He then proceeded to lean back in his seat, stretching his long legs out from under their desk and out across the classroom floor. He was far too casual, very much at peace, and all in a way that confused Lily; she found that she didn’t quite know what to think at all.

“What’s up with you?” Lily continued to ask, hovering her gaze over Remus for a moment longer this time around. “Something  _ is _ up.” She told him, making no question about the fact. “You’re avoiding me. You don’t want to be here, you don’t want to talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Remus simply shrugged once more, wishing more than anything that he crawl back inside himself and hide away, like a caterpillar’s cocoon, except he had no desire to be something big and beautiful when he came out the other side. He just wanted things to return to normal, whatever normal could possibly mean. He just wanted calm, he wanted happy, he wanted the familiarity he’d once known.

Lily was clever. There was no denying that. Remus knew it. Lily knew it. The whole Arithmancy classroom around them knew it. Near enough the whole school knew it. Still, she found herself confused, fixated on just what had lead Remus into his situation for a good ten minutes that followed. She allowed the two of them to fall back into silence for that time: it was a decision that Remus appeared to be more than comfortable with. Lily didn’t want to properly accept it, but the truth simply was that she was just more than a little stumped by Remus’ current situation and just what it could possibly mean.

But Lily was clever, and the inevitable realisation came sooner rather than later, once the classroom had grown out of a calm silence, away from the steady tone of their professor, and had instead filled with a low constant hum of chatter, conversation from the students as they worked upon a task that neither Remus nor Lily had cared enough to listen to. That definitely had to be a first, for the both of them, at least.

“It’s about Sirius.” Lily caught Remus’ attention with the gentle nudging of her elbow into his. He quickly turned away from the window, from the horizon where he’d left his gaze free to roam and fade away into the blue grey nothingness of the afternoon skies. “You don’t want to talk about Sirius.” Lily made haste in elaborating. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding me.”

Remus let out a groan, knowing very well that Lily clung to the truth stubbornly, and that there was very little chance he could just run away from all of this, especially not now, especially as they sat in class together for another good forty minutes or so. “Something like that.” He eventually concluded, deciding it was best to be just as vague as he could get away with.

Lily had already come to a firm and solid conclusion about it all, so in reality, it wasn’t as if Remus’ response had actually mattered all that much. She sat in thought for a moment or two longer before she came to face Remus once more. “You never stopped liking him. That crush never went away.”

Remus did his best to hide his face away behind his hair. That, however, proved rather difficult considering the length of it. He reckoned that wasn’t at all fair as it was definitely the kind of thing Lily could get away with easily. Sirius too, now that he thought about it. He had however decided that in that moment, the last thing he needed to think about for any excessive period of time was Sirius, for fear that he might let something slip. Not that Lily wasn’t already well aware of the whole story.

“I’m right.” Lily came to conclude her findings for herself. Remus didn’t bother to argue his case, or even attempt to correct her; she was right and she was well aware of it, he couldn’t even imagine to begin to change her mind about that one. “We  _ should _ talk about it, you know? I know you don’t want to, so we don’t have to, but we should. I just want to help you, I mean, what could go wrong?”

“ _ Everything _ .” Remus let out a sigh, burying his head down onto the desk for a moment. He didn’t particularly ever want to get up, but he found that he had few options as to otherwise. “Everything could go wrong.” He told her, shaking his head as he came to entertain the possibilities, just for a moment.

“You really think that?” Lily stopped for a moment, watching Remus with intrigue in her eyes. He gave a nod in response. “Because I don’t think so at all. You know what I think?” She didn’t wait for him to nod this time. “I might as well just tell you, seeing as you don’t want to talk about it, so this will be all you’ll let me tell you, but, you know what, Remus? I honestly think he likes you too.”

-

Remus had perhaps thought that Lily’s intentions had been to put his mind at rest. He imagined that she might have thought that what she’d told him in that Arithmancy class had settled his mind, had allowed him to stop worrying and get some peace up inside his own head for once in awhile. That really was not the case. In fact, Remus found that if anything, it only made him worry more.

Everything had just multiplied. Everything that had suddenly felt much more real before, now felt catastrophically overpowered, looming over his life, casting a great shadow over him and following him no matter where he went, no matter how hard he tried to escape it. Remus had thought it had felt real before, but suddenly it was as if his whole perception of the world and his emotions had been entirely turned on his head.

He couldn’t help but be just slightly agitated by all of this, more upset with Lily than he’d been before, not that they’d ever particularly fallen out, but there was suddenly a part of him that definitely reckoned that he could view this as her fault. But it wasn’t. Remus wasn’t that kind of person to blame others for the sake of it. Lily had meant well, and all that was to blame was himself and his inability to just suck it up and accept the way things were, get some courage for once in his life - he was a Gryffindor after all.

Remus would have liked to imagine that Lily’s words hadn’t haunted his head for the  _ entire _ remainder of the day, but he really wasn’t one for lying to himself, as even when the truth was unpleasant, it was still the truth, and there was nothing he could do to change that. In the end, he put it down to anxiety, to nerves, to the pressure of it all weighing down on him. He’d already felt something changing in the back of his mind, he was well aware of it, but he found himself terrified to face up to its reality, to how he knew he’d find himself looking at Sirius differently, and to how it felt an awful lot like everything might change.

Again, Remus didn’t want to say that he’d made a particular attempt to avoid anyone, but there was no denying the fact that once classes were over for the day, he didn’t go back up to Gryffindor tower as he usually did, instead he strayed away from the crowds of Gryffindor students making their way across the school, and instead made his way to the ground floor of the castle, walking quickly through several corridors, praying that no one he knew would find it within themselves to pay him enough notice to start a conversation. 

Thankfully, he made it down to the courtyard without interruption, and allowed himself to take a great sigh of relief as he perched himself on the wall, sitting up with his back against the brick work, and his long, skinny legs, stretching out into the courtyard below. He couldn’t help but feel as if he looked awfully out of place, sat there alone, with his only company in the form of the few students milling around as they made their way across the courtyard, on their way to their common rooms and the like.

The courtyard tended to be populated in the summer months, when the weather was nice enough to sit outside in, even as the afternoon fell into evening, but in late October, in the cold afternoon breeze, Remus found himself so very much alone. He wasn’t upset by this - it was what he had wanted, after all. He’d came outside seeking the peace and quiet held in the company of his own head, and his own head alone, it was just that once he was faced with it, once he was faced with it all, it didn’t quite feel how he felt it should have.

The thought struck Remus several minutes later: perhaps he didn’t  _ want _ to be alone. Perhaps it was just a reflex now - halfway instinctual, to run away from everyone when things got complicated. He didn’t like the idea of it all, but he found that there was just little use in denying the reality of it. Remus was very well aware of what he should have done, how he should have handled this all from the start, and he was just as well aware of how he’d strayed so far away from that path.

Part of him did indeed want to give up, to go back inside, and up to Gryffindor tower, to face his friends, to pretend nothing was different, to meet Lily’s gaze for just a moment, and speak of the whole world in one blink. There was just so many thoughts up in his head as of late, so many feelings, conflicting emotions in excess, and most of all, Remus found that he just didn’t know what to think. The truth was that just so very little made much sense anymore.

He danced awkwardly around the idea of admitting that he’d been wrong, of getting up and going back inside for what felt like forever. He quickly found that he was much more content to simply toy with the idea than to actually go through with it. In the end, he got so lost up inside his own head that the world ended up making a move for him. It wasn’t a move he’d expected, and it certainly wasn’t one he would have asked for, but despite himself, he found that as he caught sight of Sirius Black making his way across the courtyard towards him, he was nothing but relieved to see him.

Remus was quick to make sense of that relief, of that sudden rush of emotion that had been so quick to consume him, as Sirius wordlessly took a seat beside him on the wall. Nothing had changed. Despite what Remus had been so certain of, nothing was different, and Lily’s words were just words. He found relief in the fact that they were still just Remus and Sirius, and that the world wasn’t crumbling to dust right around him. With that, he couldn’t help but smile.

Sirius hit him with an odd expression, one of slight confusion, before returning the smile. It was then that a warm surge hit Remus like a gust of air that had radiated from deep within him, perhaps from the pit of his stomach or the bottom of his heart. He wasn’t quite sure what it was or what it meant, but for that moment he felt safe, he felt comfortable, and he felt very much alive.

“I’m nervous.” Sirius was the first to speak, as if he could sense the mess unfolding right behind Remus’ temples, as if he was so very well aware of it, well enough to know that he shouldn’t bring it to life on his tongue, that words and the act of verbalising it could do nothing more than harm.

“Nervous?” Remus found that remembering how to use his vocal chords again hadn’t been anywhere near as difficult as he’d imagined that it might have been. Briefly, he wondered if perhaps he wasn’t in anywhere near of as much of a mess as he thought he was.

“Constantly, yeah.” Sirius let out an awkward kind of self-deprecating laugh that seemed to be comprised much more of a badly masked sigh than it was of actual laughter. Remus picked up upon it, but decided to save them both the hassle of confronting him with it. “It’s just… waiting for my mother’s reply. It’s just… writing things down, about what happened with my dad, what happened with everything… the truth… and… you know.”

Remus was aware of the fact that he didn’t know the full story; he knew very little of the intricate details, and people’s personal emotions regarding it all, but he had a basic understanding of it all, a good enough grasp to begin to understand just what might be in that letter to Sirius’ mother, and just why it might have left Sirius in the state it had.

“You should try and take your mind off of it.” Remus knew that it was lacklustre advice at the very best, but he was trying, and he reckoned that definitely did count for something, if only so little in the grand scheme of things.

“Yeah…” Sirius leant back against the brickwork, shooting Remus a testing glance, as if he was unsure what kind of state Remus was actually in, as if he was unsure just what kind of blunt and honest he could get away with being. The both of them were hardly in the most fantastic of states, and Sirius wasn’t entirely sure that it was beneficial for them to wallow around in their self pity together, but he wasn’t particularly keen to get up and leave, and it didn’t look that much like Remus was either.

“Why did you come out here?” Remus couldn’t stop himself from asking; the question had been at the tip of his tongue since the moment he’d locked eyes with Sirius, it had just been delayed somewhat, muffled in the silence, and pushed aside by other things. “Instead of going up to the common room with James. I know you just had a class with him.”

Sirius decided it was best if he gave a very vague shrug in response. He did have an answer - that wasn’t the problem. The problem was his reluctance to air it aloud, to talk properly about anything, coupled with his reluctance to drag the uncomfortable silence on around them any longer. “I saw you out here.” It was an abridged version of the truth, but it was the truth nonetheless. “So I decided to come sit with you. I’ve not seen you since this morning.”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded; the last class the two had been in together was Transfiguration which had been their first class of the day. Somehow that morning seemed like it was a thousand years away: back then he’d been avoiding Lily, with the same amount of mess on his mind, but just in an entirely different form.

“You don’t want to talk. I can see that.” Sirius decided to cut right to the obvious; he grew tired of small talk and useless courtesies - Remus was his best friend, he reckoned that even now he could afford to be blunt. “I don’t really want to talk either. I guess we’ve both got some shit up in our heads and that’s alright. I mean, that’s what heads are for, thinking about shit, and driving yourself up into a state about it.”

Remus managed a small laugh at that. He glanced up for a moment, meeting Sirius’ eyes with an intrigued kind of hopefulness. “That’s what heads are for.” He added with a nod, seeing that it definitely encouraged Sirius to continue.

“I want to sit with you though.” Sirius held his gaze for a moment, before biting down on his lip and swifting pulling his head away, instead turning to look out across the courtyard, at the outside world, at the beauty of nature, seeming so distant and far away from the mess they had involved themselves in. “If you don’t mind. It doesn’t have to be here. We could for a walk, I mean. Or whatever. I just want to get away from everything else. I guess that you do too.”

Remus gave a nod, stretching a little and reaching into the inside pocket of his robes. He glanced across at Sirius for a brief moment, considering something, weighing up a bad idea inside of his head: unable to distinguish if it was just bad or full on terrible. In the end, he concluded that it was the best he had and slid off the wall and onto his feet.

Sirius eyed him curiously for a moment, before following him, watching the way Remus rummaged around in his pockets for entirely too long, before he chose to break the silence once more. “And what exactly are we doing? Where are we going?”

Remus’ lips fell into a lazy smile: nothing more than mildly amused at the confusion on Sirius’ face. “For a smoke. Out in the grounds. You don’t have to come.” He watched the way Sirius’ face contorted into an unreadable expression, only to quickly relax again. “I guess I’d like it if you did though.”

“I guess I’d have to come then.” Sirius hit him with a grin, and a look in his eyes that seemed to speak of the fact that they had always been so very well aware of the fact that Sirius would have never declined his offer. Not in a million years.

-

The two remained in what mostly constituted towards a silence, sharing little more than the occasional look with one another as they took a walk around the outskirts of the grounds, hidden away from the rest of the world under the shadows of the trees, casted long and dark as the sun continued to fall in the sky. It was definitely bordering on evening by now, not that either of the two boys seemed to much mind - there was a certain peace they found in their situation, a peace they found in each other. Regardless, it was certainly longer than either of them had anticipated on staying out for, and if the air had been cold before, by now it was bordering on freezing.

It wasn’t long before the less than pleasant weather and its equally as unwanted effects made themselves known to the both of them. “You’re shivering.” Remus broke the silence to proclaim, gesturing absent mindedly across at Sirius with his index finger.

Sirius gave way to a smile, almost pathetic smile. He wasn’t quite sure as to what else he could say for himself, because really he was - he was shivering, he was cold, he wanted to get warm and to go inside, but he found that those were just things he  _ couldn’t _ do, not just yet anyway, not as they remained in silence, and the world weighed heavy on his mind. He wondered if he was just as pathetic as his smile had been, but quickly conclude that it perhaps wasn’t worth his consideration; it would do him no good at the very least.

“You are.” Remus suddenly found his voice again, his will to converse, the kind of confidence that had been very much absent for the whole day, for longer than that even. If Remus was being entirely honest with himself, he just hadn’t been the same since the last full moon. “Sirius, come on! Don’t look at me like that, you’re shivering, you’re cold, you’re-” Remus reached out to touch him, wrapping his fingers around Sirius’ forearm, and pulling back in shock. “You’re freezing!”

Sirius shrugged, brushing his hair back away from his face, and turning to face Remus who had come to a sudden stop for the first time since they’d started walking. As much as Sirius had been wanting a rest, for it all to stop, knowing the constant prolonging of everything would get them nowhere, and would help with nothing at all, he couldn’t help but feel his heart pounding in his chest as the stood there, and gradually at first, but then suddenly all at once, the world began to catch up to them.

“You should go in and get warm.” Remus’ tone was insistent as he reached forward and touched Sirius’ arm again, perhaps as if he’d been hoping that Sirius might have warmed up even just a little in the space of the minute that had been. Of course, however, Sirius hadn’t.

“Not without you.” Sirius told him, hanging his head low and exhaling slowly. He knew very well that this was it, this was the moment, this was the opportunity, this was the time they had to turned convuled obsessive thoughts into words, and not just words, but sentences too. This was the time for coherence, for making sense out of everything; the inevitable truth that loomed over them, and they were both just so very well aware of it by now.

“Don’t be ridiculous-” Remus began, shaking his head in disbelief, and hoping for some stupid reason that it might have been enough to convince Sirius of his case. Perhaps, deep down, perhaps in the part of his head where he was entirely honest with himself, he didn’t quite want Sirius to go - not really at least.

“You’re being ridiculous!” Sirius raised his voice, finding that he could, as they stood out there in the cold, so very much alone. He found himself falling into the trap of an awkwardly placed laugh, bred only out of anxiety, and the nerves inside him that tingled and hummed for so long that his body grew numb all over.

“Am I?” Remus stepped back, suddenly hesitant, and hitting Sirius with an entirely new look in his eyes. Except the look wasn’t new, Remus had worn it many times before, this was just the first time Sirius had seen it, the first time it had been directed at him. Then Remus felt the tingling too, at first originating from the pit of his stomach, then came the very sudden realisation that this had been that difference he’d feared, because there they were, looking at each other entirely anew, and even with words unspoken, things were changing. 

It was perhaps then that Remus came to accept that there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. But certainly, it was with that which he came to change his mind, and realise that pushing everything back, avoiding the world and everything in it just the very best he could would come to no positive end. The only way out was to embrace the change, not to suppress it.

“Yes.” Sirius told him, gently this time. He then opened his mouth, as if to say something more, but stopped himself rather quickly, instead finding his way to Remus’ eyes. The two remained frozen like that for a moment, as if to stop, to give in, to let the world change around them, and then to let themselves adjust, for them both to finally let their guard down, not just to accept the change, but to embrace it.

“I’m sorry.” Remus didn’t open his mouth for a good few minutes, but once he did it came naturally, as if that was how things should have been, and as if to speak any sooner would have broken everything down completely.

“I  _ am _ cold.” Sirius told him, being entirely honest not just with Remus, but with himself too. At first, it might have all seemed rather trivial, but in his heart, he wasn’t speaking of the weather, of the cold around them, but of things that mattered just so much more. “I’m not scared anymore, though.” He continued, his heart relaxing as if to open up inside his chest without warning.

“Oh.” Remus let out what sounded an awful lot like a gasp, his heart still hammering inside his chest. Until, of course, it grew to little more than a flutter, and then to nothing, to calm and still, just for a moment. “No.” He concluded, shivering a little too. “I’m not either.”

“You were right, you’re always right, you know that?” Sirius began, his heart beginning to return to its normal pace in his chest as his voice grew louder, and blood seemed to continue to move through his veins, as if in that few minutes it had indeed stopped, entirely.

Remus shook his head, finding himself very much unable to put any kind of trust or real belief in what Sirius had just said. “I’m not.” He assured him, as the two stood there, and the world grew colder still, all around them. The autumn didn’t care, the world didn’t care for the two of them, stood there as individuals, they didn’t have forever, the cold certainly wouldn’t wait for them.

“Maybe not  _ all _ the time then.” Sirius suggested, running a hand back through his hair, brushing enough away from his face for Remus to see his cheeks heating up to a dangerously dark shade of pink. “You’re right when it matters though, right when it matters to me. Remind me to listen to you, like all the time. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I won’t listen. Remind me that I have to.”

Remus had been seconds away from continuing to argue his case, somehow insistent in proving a useless point, when he stopped himself, and came to draw his attention to what had rather quickly revealed itself as the real matter at hand between them. “How?” He asked, meeting Sirius with a genuine kind of concern in his eyes. “How would I do that? How can I make you listen when you don’t want to? You do just shut my words out entirely. You’re very stubborn, you know that right?” 

“Yeah.” Sirius might have argued otherwise, in fact, he felt as if he should, but the call of the situation, of circumstance, of the cold, of the look in Remus’ eyes, spoke louder than anything had before, and his head was keen to listen this time. “I know. Don’t use words then. Remind me why I should listen to you, remind me why I should trust you, always. Because I should.”

“Always?” Remus came to repeat his words, but with a certain hesitance this time around. Sirius simply nodded at him; the look in his eyes was enough to convey the rest of it. “I wouldn’t be sure how.”

“Find a way.” Sirius told him, eyes falling to the ground for a moment. “I trust you, I do. You just have to make sure I remember that, you know? My head gets in a mess. A fucking hell of a mess sometimes.”

“Mine too.” Remus watched him for a moment, attempting to do his best with the very few pieces Sirius had provided him with. He was certain he could make sense out of it all, but not just yet. He would have wished that time was on their side, but he figured by now that he’d had his fair share of it. His fair share of exceptions and allowances too. 

“You’re freezing.” Remus couldn’t help but draw his attention back down to Sirius shivering form. “This is getting ridiculous now, I’m being honest. We should go back inside. You’ll get sick.”

“Not yet.” Sirius argued, stepping closer to Remus, heart so steady in his chest. “Not yet.” He repeated, holding the taller boy’s gaze as he tilted his head to look up at him.

“Why not?” Remus didn’t much like to question what Sirius seemed to hold in his mind as the obvious, but he found somehow that he did just have to. “When? Why not yet?”

“When my head makes sense again. When I can go back inside and face myself again, when I don’t have to hide out here anymore.” Sirius paused for a moment, watching the way Remus’ expression began to shift. “I thought you understood.”

“I do.” Remus insisted, reaching forward and fully wrapping his hand around Sirius’ wrist this time. “I don’t want to go back inside and face everything very much myself, I just… you’re  _ so _ cold. I’m worried about you, alright? And that matters more.” Remus shook his head, almost as if to curse himself for the honesty of it all. He let his cheeks flush red, for it was the truth, and that was just that. “That matters more.”

“That goes two ways.” Sirius told him, biting down on his bottom lip. “I’m worried about you, I’m worried about everything up in your head. I want to make sure you’re okay before we go back inside. That matters more, to me.”

Remus shook his head, very much unwilling to accept Sirius’ words as they were. “It shouldn’t. That’s stupid. You could  _ freeze _ , and I’m just… a bit weird up in the head. A bit fucked in the head. Those are two  _ entirely _ different things.”

Sirius shrugged, dipping his head a little. “I’m not that cold.” He lied. Despite his respect for Remus, he made what he’d call his very best job of hiding the truth. Still Remus didn’t buy it, for a start, he knew him too well.

“Bullshit.” Remus told him bluntly, moving closer to wrap both of his hands around Sirius’ wrists. “That’s absolute bullshit.” He met his gaze, doing so much to hold it for a good minute, that he missed his hands, slowly slipping down, losing grip upon Sirius’ wrists, only to be caught again by Sirius’ fingertips, curling in around his.

Then Remus’ heart  _ really _ did stop for a moment. He looked down at their hands, and then up at Sirius for a moment, in particular at the odd kind of peaceful look in his eyes that did so much to contradict the situation. It was then that everything began to make sense.

“Sirius…” Remus let out what could only be described as an embarrassingly muffled kind of gasp, as he looked down at their hands, as they remained there, for what anyone might call far too long now. 

“Remus.” Sirius repeated, looking up at him, holding onto his hands tighter, almost fearing that Remus might pull away, or even run away from him. It was the same kind of fear that had been prevalent before the walk, before the air around them had cleared and they had taught themselves how to properly breathe again.

“I’m cold too.” Remus admitted, suddenly so fixated on the presence of Sirius’ hands, so very cold against his, but growing warmer as time passed on. But they didn’t have forever, and Remus didn’t have enough time to wait for them both to warm up completely. They didn’t have the time to wait for the world to catch up to them on this one.

He’d been hesitant for so long but Remus got there eventually. It all got to him eventually. He watched Sirius, he watched his smile grow lazy and his lips open to speak, but Remus decided that this was it, that he didn’t want to hear him insist to him that he was perfectly warm and alright for a single moment longer. 

It was then that Remus made him listen. Not with words, as he knew how Sirius would shut them out, instead, he made him listen as leaned forward and his mouth met Sirius’ lips. And suddenly neither of them were quite so cold anymore.

-

“It scares me.” He admitted. “Just a little bit.” 

The sky quickly grew darker and the evening soon fell into the night. It was simple, expected, a constant routine, and perhaps something he should have come to rely upon, but still, somehow, this time around at least, it had caught him by surprise. Perhaps it was simply down to its presence as a sign, as a reminder, as to rather bluntly inform him of just how much time had passed, in a way that he couldn’t quite avoid.

“That’s not a bad thing.” She assured him, her voice calm and steady as if she’d rehearsed for hours about each and every perfect thing to say. “Fear is important. Fear makes us real, fear makes us human.”

They had been talking for hours now. It was the kind of conversation that neither had particularly expected, but what had originally been a short little encounter had grown into something else entirely, and so very late that evening, Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black found themselves sat on the windowsill, eyes focused out into the great inky blackness of the night sky. They were supposed to be out of their common room this late, and they were both very well aware of that, but they were both content in the belief that no one could and no one would find them close to the top of the astronomy tower on what looked like one of the cloudiest nights of the year.

“Makes us human.” Lucius repeated, almost as if he found himself somewhat hesitant to believe it. There was however a stern look in Narcissa’s eyes that he found himself inclined to trust, or at least easily manipulated into doing so. “I guess it does. I don’t feel very human though, I just feel  _ scared _ , more than I feel human. Like I’m just a vessel for worry, for bad emotions or something like that.”

Narcissa couldn’t help but glance across at him in concern, finding that her concern only grew as Lucius’ eyes remained dull, almost as if they were entirely dead, almost as if he was too. “What do you mean?” She found herself asking, suddenly losing her talent to retain her cool, suddenly losing far too much of herself in that moment.

“It has to be the box, hasn’t it?” Lucius’ tone was dull, monotone, almost dead, and directed more so at the night sky and the horizon outside of the castle than it was to Narcissa. It wasn’t that she minded in terms of personal offence, she just couldn’t help but be concerned as she followed Lucius’ gaze out across the grounds, finding herself lost out in the darkness for just a moment.

“Yeah.” She nodded, coming to a rather makeshift conclusion about this all. “It seems like it.” In all honesty, Narcissa didn’t have the slightest idea what it was that could possibly really be going on in order for Lucius to be feeling that way, but the more she thought about it, the more that the box really did seem like a likely suspect.

“I have to get rid of it.” He turned back to face her after what seemed like forever. It was then that Narcissa came to notice how he was indeed shaking all over. “I have to.” He repeated, suddenly more sure of himself than he’d ever been.

“You should.” Narcissa gave a nod of agreement, finding that she wasn’t the slightest bit sure of how Lucius might go about it, considering that it was afflicted with dark magic, and that there was certainly much more to it than what meets the eyes.

“No.” Lucius shook his head, stubborn but finding some sort of peace, some sort of relief in that. “I  _ have _ to.” Narcissa didn’t think to argue back.

They let the night fade out around them, and eventually, as the silence grew too comfortable, as if it was prepared to make some sort of permanent residency around them, they gave up and made their way back down to the Slytherin common room. Neither of the two got very much in the way of sleep that night, both with far too much on their minds. The truth of it all was however that they had tried, and that just had to count for something.

-

Lucius skipped his first class the next morning. It wasn’t a practice he found himself particularly well acquainted with, well at least no more than the average student was, but he found no doubt in his mind about this being the right thing to do. It wasn’t as if he’d ever had so much of a solid grip on what could be deemed as right or wrong either, but he came to conclude that perhaps that just didn’t matter quite so much anymore; the lines between wrong and right had blurred indistinguishably already.

To his merit, at least he didn’t skip his first class to sit around doing nothing, or to make trouble with his friends, or perhaps to allow himself the liberty of an extra hour in bed. Instead, Lucius Malfoy did something that he really did not frequent doing, and made his way through the dungeon corridors and towards Professor Slughorn’s classroom. He’d made certain that Slughorn didn’t have a class that morning, and that he’d be tucked away in his office at the back of the room, doing much less than he should have been. 

However Lucius wasn’t here to comment upon his general lack of effort and work ethic, or even to provide a sob story and demand an extra favour, which was something Professor Slughorn had definitely proved usual for, instead, Lucius Malfoy was here to talk. To talk properly to the professor, as his head of house, about a certain problem he’d found himself with.

He found himself awfully hesitant about it all, and for a moment had even hoped that he’d messed up somewhere and might accidentally walk in on a second year Potions class or something,  _ anything _ that might have been able to give him the perfect kind of excuse to turn away from this all, to hide what lay inside his robes back up in his dormitory, back in that chest of drawers, back away from confrontation, under the pretense of safety or something of that nature.

Despite it all, Lucius did indeed find that he managed his into the Potions classroom, stopping for a moment to hear the door creak behind him as it swung on its hinges to fall back into place at the frame. He then proceeded to walk with an unnecessary amount of care, listening to every echo of his footsteps against the cold stone floor. In fact, he wouldn’t at all have been surprised if he’d been told that it had taken him all of ten minutes to finally make his way across the Potions classroom floor to Professor Slughorn’s office door. But he made his way there in the end, and he just reckoned that had to count for something.

Taking a deep breath, doing all he could to prepare himself, Lucius raised one hand up to knock against the door, yet just before his knuckles could quite make contact with dark brown wood he faced, he found himself awfully startled by the sound of a voice, raised from inside.

“Do come in.” He instantly recognised it to be the voice of Professor Slughorn, but didn’t quite find himself with each courage to properly question just how he’d come to ask him to enter before he’d even managed to knock. Instead, Lucius simply made his way inside, taking a seat before Slughorn’s desk, watching as the professor followed his movements across the room, with wide blown eyes, perhaps as if he didn’t quite believe it.

It took a moment or two but Professor Slughorn eventually did enough to pull himself together and clear his throat. He glanced Lucius over once more before straightening up in his chair and finally coming to address him properly. “Lucius Malfoy. What exactly can I do for you?” He followed his words up with what Lucius could only describe as a foul, unpleasant kind of laugh, that was perfectly suited to the man that sat before him. Despite that, Professor Slughorn was his head of house, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

“I…” Lucius began, pulling his gaze away from Professor Slughorn and his desk entirely. Instead, he trailed his eyes around the room, finding himself suddenly somewhat fascinated by his surroundings. It was all, of course, a terrible last ditch effort by his brain to distract him amidst all this mess. “I…”

“Do go on.” Slughorn leaned closer, growing ever more intrigued by just what had brought a person like Lucius Malfoy to his office with such a concerned expression on his face. “I am quite fascinated by this all. The slow footsteps across my classroom, the creaking door, how long exactly did it take you to gather the courage to come visit me today?”

“Too long.” Lucius admitted, hanging his head low, as if in shame. He would have much prefered if that particular matter had remained unspoken, but it became quickly apparent that perhaps Professor Slughorn didn’t share the same philosophy. 

“Ah.” Slughorn let out a sigh, stretching back in his chest, as he came to examine Lucius for a moment longer. “Don’t concern yourself with it, you’re Slytherin not Gryffindor, what do we have to concern ourselves with  _ courage _ for?” His voice grew a little sour at the mention of Gryffindor; it was far too typical, really, to the extent that it began to bore Lucius Malfoy, of all people.

Lucius decided that perhaps it was for the best to simply shrug his statement off than to actually construct any form of practised sort of response to it. “I need your help, Professor.” He pulled his gaze up to meet Slughorn’s. Professor Slughorn appeared rather taken aback by this, as if perhaps it was a duty that he had never expected to be accounted for in all his years as head of Slytherin house.

“You do?” Slughorn did his best to continue as if he was entirely prepared for this, even straightening up in his chair, and doing his best to hold Malfoy’s gaze. In all honesty, Lucius found that he might just have to give him credit for trying.

Lucius found that perhaps their idle awkward excuse for conversation had already gone on for far too long, and in the place of uttering another useless, half way pathetic excuse for a response, he reached inside his robes and produced the box he’d tucked away inside of them. He placed it out on Slughorn’s desk between the two of them.

Professor Slughorn looked down at it expectantly, as if waiting for it to transform into a bird with glistening gold feathers or something of the like. It did not. The box remained a box. Or at least it did to the eye, to Slughorn, who was yet to make very much sense of the situation.

“A box?” Slughorn grew tired of waiting, and instead pulled his eyes up to meet Lucius’, he grew impatient as he awaited some form of instantaneously explanation on Lucius’ part.

“It’s not just a box.” Lucius told him, lowering his voice in what he hated to admit was fear. Professor Slughorn seemed to sense this, and began to glance frantically between Malfoy and the box, the expression on his face making it awfully clear that he had very little idea as to just what he should think.

As the silence grew, it had to come to break, and it did so as Slughorn himself seemed to break, falling into a nervous forced fit of laughter. He glanced back up at Lucius, hoping perhaps that he might share such laughter. He did not. Professor Slughorn’s face grew rather solemn exceptionally quickly. “It’s not just a box?” He repeated, less certain than Lucius had been.

“You have to destroy it, Professor.” Lucius told him, finding for the first time in his life, he found himself inclined to place any amount of trust in Professor Slughorn. “I don’t know how. It’s dark magic, Professor.”

Slughorn pulled out his wand, extending it towards the box, however, just as he parted his lips, before the words of the spell had even escaped him, the box slide away from him with great force, propelling itself through stacks of parchment and student records across the table. Professor Slughorn drew his wand back in disbelief, finding that he really wasn’t at all sure what to do. He cleared his throat, trying for a second time, not really expecting that it would work, expecting instead that the box might propel itself across to the other side of his desk. That was not what happened, the second time the box burst into flames, a million shades of emerald green, burning right before the two of them on the desk. This time Slughorn watched astounded as the flames burned to embers, and the box remained there, unsigned, amidst a burnt out and blackened mess.

Then Slughorn made the mistake of reaching out to touch it, curious to see if the box had survived the flames without even attracting heat. He never quite got to answer that question, as instead he found that as he touched it, the green flames appeared again out of nowhere and spread to his fingertips. He recoiled in horror, reaching for his wand and casting a quick spell to extinguish them. His horror only grew as the spell remained entirely ineffective.

“It’s trying to stop you. It won’t let you destroy it.” Lucius explained, perhaps all too comfortably as his head of house sat across from him, literally on fire. He reached for his wand and directed it across at the Professor, casting the very same charm Slughorn had, only for it to work perfectly this time around.

Slughorn let out a very relieved sigh, putting his wand firmly back into his robes, and sitting well back from the box. “Yes…” He trailed off, hesitant to pull his eyes away from it. “Dark magic… dark magic indeed.” He let out a sigh, looking up and meeting Lucius’ gaze once more. “How on  _ earth _ did you get your hands on this?”

“It was given to me.” Lucius supplied, voice low once more. He got up from his chair, holding Slughorn’s gaze for a moment more. “It needs to be destroyed. It  _ needs _ to be. You can’t just lock up or hide it away. It needs to be  _ destroyed _ .” He raised his voice quite a significant deal louder than he should have when facing a teacher.

Slughorn seemed far too startled by what had just happened to raise much concern. Instead, he just nodded his head slowly, almost in a broken fashion, as if he had almost forgotten how. “Yes. It will be. I will make sure Professor Dumbledore  _ himself _ sees to it.”

Lucius smiled, feeling relief for the first time in far, far too long.

-

The few days that had passed almost felt like forever. Sirius had never been particular patient, or at all good with calming his nerves, and for those past few days, he reckoned he’d been the most nervous he’d ever been in his life. It was the unknown that really killed him; the feeling of not knowing quite what could become of this all, of the letter, of his mother’s response, and then everything else in turn.

For those few days, he’d found that perhaps  _ all _ he’d wanted was to receive a response, was just to  _ know _ , just to know exactly what it was that was going to happen, just how the world might turn forward from there. It was however the very moment that he did finally receive a response that he came to wish he never had. In that moment, as the sun slowly began to rise into a still rather dark sky, as he held a letter from his mother in his hand, that Sirius really did begin to wish that nothing had ever come of this at all. That they’d done nothing, and let the world continue to rot away all around them.

But there was nothing he could do about that now. In fact, he really did feel that there was nothing he could do about  _ anything _ now. For a good full ten minutes he stood there, very much confused and very much alone. For a good full ten minutes he stood there in silence, hardly daring to even breathe as he read the letter back through for a second time. Nothing came of it. Nothing changed. The words remained as they had been written, and that was when Sirius began to cry.

He was a state. He knew he looked it. Stood there by the common room window at half past five in the morning. Silent except the slight muffled sounds of tears. Still except for the slight shaking of his hands, as they struggled to keep the letter from dropping to the floor.

Sirius was a little bit astounded, perhaps just more so with himself. The thing was that he’d just never imagined he’d feel quite that lost before. He never quite imagined that he’d feel anything quite this low at all. But he did. He clung to that, to the truth of it all, because that really was the only thing left for him. He sat there, motionless now, truly silent, wishing only to be vacant from his body, to be vacant from this world entirely, as the sun began to rise in the sky, and as if to combat it entirely, the skies opened up, and it began to rain. 

It was October after all, nearly November too, it was cold and horrible and miserable and he should have expected nothing less. Yet somehow he didn’t. Somehow he looked upon an overcast sky and believed, even if just for a second, in a clear sunny day. He looked down at the letter from his mother and quickly realised that he’d made the very same mistake; she never was going to listen to the two of them, not in this world, not in any other too.

He watched the rain for a little while. It was a little while that quickly grew stupidly out of control. He sat and watched the rain for what felt like forever. In all honesty, if he could have, he really might have sat there for the rest of his life. Getting up meant pulling himself together and getting ready to face the world; he’d very much decided that just wasn’t something he could see himself doing. Not anymore at least.

The only thing that came to stop him was the sudden sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Sirius had almost come to forget that this was the common room, a space that all of Gryffindor house could access, and that it was now very much past five in the morning, and he was still there, expecting the same kind of peace and lack of company. He couldn’t stop himself turning to look, ready to snap at a far too eager group of second years or something of the like, instead however, he found himself, as luck would have it, faced with a far too familiar face.

Remus Lupin made his way across the common room without a word. He seemed to have sensed that something was wrong before he’d even made it out of the dormitory. Sirius wished he could have had it within him to thank him for that. Instead, he sat wordlessly by the window, forever watching the rain, even as Remus filled the space beside him.

“How long have you been out of bed?” Remus didn’t take at all long to break the silence. It almost caught Sirius by surprise; he had almost wanted to count on the still comfort of the room for a little while longer. “I panicked, you know?” He told him, continuing to fill the silence once again. “When I woke up and saw you weren’t there.”

Sirius found it within himself simply to nod in response. “I got up at five.” He continued to tell him, after a minute had passed. “My mother… finally responded.” He held his hand out towards Remus, holding the letter shakily, as if it might combust in his fingertips.

Remus took it from him carefully, taking one look at Sirius, and coming to conclude that this was something he very much feared to read. Still, he read it nonetheless. He read the blatant denial, he read the hurt, he read the lies, he read the anger, and he read the escalation of this all into something else entirely. He read at the bottom of the parchment, written in thick black ink, the words that cursed Sirius, words like ‘traitor’ and ‘disgust’, words that soon came to conclude with ‘outcast’ and ‘disowned’. 

For a very long moment there, Remus really did struggle to breathe. He passed the letter back to Sirius wide eyed, with nothing short of tears brewing in his tear ducts. They were a mess sat there, the two of them. Sirius knew it. Remus did too. For a short moment, Sirius turned away to watch the rain, to watch a single droplet roll slowly down the glass windowpane, as he turned back to Remus, he came to watch a single tear fall down his cheek.

That was when Sirius broke. Properly. That was when nothing mattered. That was the moment that he sat there, no longer human, but alive, alive with emotions and rage. Alive with a feeling of purpose, no longer dulled out and disdained, but alive, alive with meaning, alive with purpose and alive with passion. He had to fix this. They had to fix this. He knew it like he’d known nothing before. But the anger he felt for this injustice, seemed almost dwarfed by an inner sorrow as he watched a second tear make its way down Remus’ cheek.

“Stop crying.” He croaked out, his voice much shakier than he could have accounted for. “Stop crying.” He repeated, reaching out and wiping Remus’ cheeks. “ _ Please _ stop crying.” He uttered, suddenly desperate now.

“It’s fucked up.” Remus told him, doing all he could to calm his tears, to calm himself, to pull himself together, to end the numbness inside his chest and begin to properly feel again. “This is  _ fucked _ , Sirius, this is fucked, this is-” 

Sirius cut him off, struggling to breathe as he slumped back against the window, his eyes directed to the floor as he felt the sudden weight of tears dwelling under closed eyelids. “It’s… helpless.” His voice came out as little more than a whisper. “That’s how they’re always going to be.  _ Family _ .” He spat the word like it was poison, like it meant nothing other than to harm him. “That’s the kind of family I don’t want anything to do with.” His words had weighed heavy in his throat, but seemed to be heavier still as they reached the air, crushing everything around them to pieces. To the extent that Remus could feel it too.

It was then that Sirius began to cry. He turned away, turned to the window, to the rain, and let himself cry. Let himself cry like he hadn’t just begged for Remus to stop. He let himself cry like he had a choice and this was what he wanted to do. He let himself cry like the world didn’t just seem so fucking hopeless. He let himself cry on the off chance that it might just mean something.

Remus watched him for a moment: still, silent, scared, almost. Admittedly, he didn’t know what to do at all. Sirius was suddenly so fragile. Suddenly they both were. And Remus was terrified, absolutely terrified that whatever words came from his lips would only break things further. So he thought for a moment, he wondered who he’d be without words, he tried to remember how to speak without them, how to be gentle, how to fix this, the best they could.

The moment Remus finally did reach a conclusion was the very moment that he put it into place, choosing to think later, choosing to think when they both had the time. Instead in that very moment, he closed the gap between them, opening his mouth as if to speak, instead he just grew a quick gasp of breath and leaned in. Gently, silently, to the sound of the rain, Remus kissed him.

The two kissed. They kissed until their lips grew numb. They kissed like it was the only thing they could remember how to do. They kissed until they both stopped crying. They kissed for what felt like forever. They kissed until they heard footsteps in the hallway, and then footsteps descending down the stairs. They kissed until it was all too late.

“I fucking knew it!” The unmistakable voice of James Potter came out in the form of a horrible screech, that then proceed to echo around the common room for what felt like an unnecessarily painful amount of time.

Both Sirius and Remus froze, entirely unsure what they were to do in the situation, already far too close together, as James quickly approached across the room, far too oblivious, far too oblivious to it all.

“I knew you were fucking-” James began, perhaps even louder than he had been before, which really did seem to contradict to the fact that he’d gotten closer to the two of them.

“James, just shut the fuck up for the first time in your fucking life.” Remus got to his feet, meeting James with an odd kind of violent, almost protective look. It was apparently what happened when he was left solely to his instincts, as Remus didn’t even give himself a second to think before he’d reacted. In hindsight, that really might have been a terrible idea, but he found that in that moment, he really hadn’t had much of a better idea otherwise.

“I…” James was rendered rather speechless by all of that, and resorted to simply glancing blankly between Sirius and Remus, instead waiting for an explanation to present itself.

“You’re being a bit insensitive.” Remus gave a sigh, taking a moment to compose himself, as he glanced back towards Sirius. “Really quite insensitive.” He corrected himself, as he took the letter from Sirius’ gesturing fingers. “Really not a good time.” He continued, meeting James’ gaze with a pleading look as he placed the letter into his hands.

The two watched James read the letter, watched his eyes grow wider as he got further towards the end, they watched the mess unravel right before them yet again. Remus found himself preoccupied with thinking of just what to say after all of this, just what might serve as an adequate explanation. Sirius, however, found himself much more preoccupied with trying not to cry. Not again. He wasn’t sure he could handle that in all honesty.

“Fuck.” James let out a sigh, shaking his head in disbelief. “ _ Fuck _ . Sirius.  _ Fuck _ . We can’t just- we have to talk to someone about this? This can’t just  _ happen _ . You can’t just let it. Not anymore, promise me that?”

“I promise.” The words escaped Sirius’ lips even before he’d had much of a chance to think about them, as after all, that promise had been the only thing on his mind. And maybe, for the first time, James Potter really was right.

-

 


	18. the last chapter omg I'm dead and gay

They’d gone to McGonagall in the end. It really signified the weight of the situation, as going to talk to Professor McGonagall certainly went against very strong principles the four of them held. Some held these principles less than others, but they were still shared. The funny thing was, well, perhaps the only mildly humorous thing about their entire situation, was the fact that it had been James who had suggested it. James Potter, of all people. 

James Potter who disliked Professor McGonagall with all of his being, who did all he had in his power to avoid her. And now, James Potter, who’d practically bullied the other three into going to see her. As he had always been, James Potter, the best friend you could ever have. As much as he was always a jokester and scarcely took anything seriously, there was  _ always _ a line with James, and this situation had crossed it. The line was where he knew he had to put aside his own principles and his own wants for the safety of his friends. He always would.

Sirius had really never been quite so sure that he didn’t deserve James as his best friend, and he found himself awfully close to breaking down into tears as he found his mind flooded with strong, almost overwhelmingly vivid memories of their first encounter as first years, of the sudden click of friendship, of the way, even at eleven years old, Sirius had seen something in James. They’d seen something in each other, almost as if they could see ahead to the next few years, to the people they’d become, just for that moment, as they met each other’s eyes.

As much as Sirius was struggling not to cry, with the weight of it all, and the crushing realisation as everything really did begin to sink in, he made a promise to himself that he absolutely could not cry in McGonagall’s office, in front of the professor herself, and three of his best friends. Even in the circumstances, Sirius deemed that as stupid, and pathetic, and a definite sign that he wasn’t worth anyone’s time. That conclusion definitely didn’t do much to change the fact that he really was struggling with it, though, and in fact, the more he did struggle, the more he did to hide his face, and hold his breath, and count to ten seven times over, the more Remus began to notice.

Remus tossed him an awkward, hopeful kind of smile from beside him, as the two stood beside one another, leant back against McGonagall’s office wall as they waited until she might return. Remus was overall, very tempted to lean in and pull Sirius into his chest, to never let go of him, to hold his head tightly against his chest until he could feel his breathing calm, and his body begin to relax all over. 

More than that, however, Remus wanted to kiss him. Really, Remus had always just wanted to kiss Sirius Black, but before it had been much more at the back of his mind: a passing thought that might pass him a thousand times over before it refused to go away, a persistent whisper that kept him forever occupied in the quiet, but one he could easily drown out in enough of a racket. With what had happened over the past few days, with the way nothing had suddenly turned into something, and the way James and Peter had very quickly come to accept it as an entirely normal part of their life, Remus felt almost overwhelmed by it, overwhelmed by the simple fact that now, forever, until things might fall apart, he could Sirius whenever and however many times he wanted, and Sirius would kiss him back.

Remus deemed that as Sirius stood beside him, very close to tears, and James and Peter eyed them from across the room, in the least discreet manner known to man, and the few portraits hung around the walls of McGonagall’s office began to take much more of an interest in them, it was not an appropriate time. Not to kiss him or to hug him, or to really do much more than whisper comforts into his ear, and let their fingers brush past each other for much longer than was necessary as he did so.

It was after what had really seemed like forever, that Professor McGonagall finally made her way into her office, only to very quickly look around the room at the four boys, an awfully startled expression laid upon her face. Remus did imagine that perhaps the last thing she really wanted to do was deal with the four of them and any kind of mischief they might have caused, and really he found that he just couldn’t blame her for that. The situation they had at hand, was of course, just something else entirely, and she was just yet to realise that.

“What on  _ earth _ are you boys doing in here?” McGonagall’s voice bore striking similarities to that of the screech of a vulture; it might have been something that had brought the four of them into a fit of giggles if they had found themselves in any other circumstance than they did at that moment, because it was really not the time. 

“Is it too much to ask for one day when you haven’t gone and gotten yourself into a whole mess of trouble? Is that really too much to ask?” She glanced around, looking at each of the four of them individually before shaking her head. “Well go on, what is it? Who sent you up here? Was it Filch? I know you give him enough trouble as it is.”

Foolishly, Remus let James do the talking. Remus really did feel that it was nothing more than a bad decision the second he made it, but he let it happen anyway, knowing that in all honesty, he didn’t have the slightest idea of just what to say to McGonagall about this all, where even to begin to explain, and of course, neither Peter nor Sirius seemed to be in a state capable of explaining anything to anyone properly. For Peter that was more of a constant state, perhaps more of a personality trait, whereas with Sirius, it was strikingly odd, as he tended to be just as vocal and loud as James, but very much dependent on their situation.

“No one sent us up here.” James began, stepping away from the wall and towards the center of the office, holding McGonagall’s gaze for a good moment, as she continued to meet him with nothing more than a look of the utmost disbelief. Really, Remus could very much see where she was coming from. “Is that so hard to believe? That we might actually want to come up and talk to you ourselves some time? You’ve got us all wrong, Professor,  _ all wrong _ .” James stressed, letting a confident smile fall over his face as McGonagall retreated slightly, sitting herself down at her desk.

“All wrong?” She raised her eyebrows: torn between believing him and knowing better. As much as she knew never to trust James Potter in a million years, there was something in his eyes, that almost seemed to confirm the truth for her. It was either that, or she was going soft, and even to her own credit, she didn’t think the latter of the two was particularly likely.

Remus came to accept that he wouldn’t be making the same mistake twice, and cut in before James could reel off another mess of mildly charming wit. “Yes, Professor.” He stepped forward, meeting her eyes immediately, and finding that she regarded him with a very different kind of look, with a great deal more trust to it. As much as this confused Remus, he did have to remind himself that he was a prefect - not a particularly good one, but a prefect, after all. “We need to talk to you. It’s actually important. Not just James Potter important, but  _ actually _ important.”

“Hey-” James interjected, finding himself very much offended by the fact that Remus was half way to slagging him off to Professor McGonagall, of all people, and all right in front of his face.

“Be quiet, Potter, or you’re going to land yourself in the trouble that should have sent you up here in the first place.” She narrowed her eyes at James in a way that had Peter halfway to a smirk from where he still stood, against the wall. “So, Remus, what exactly is it?” McGonagall turned to face almost Remus exclusively, suddenly rather impatient for him to continue.

“Uhmm…” Remus let out a sigh, glancing back at James for a moment. “I don’t really know where to start, I just-” He looked pleadingly at James, willing for him to fill in the gaps, to even say it all, so he didn’t have to, so he didn’t have to relive every moment of this mess through his own head.

James, however, did not say a word. Yet Remus wasn’t left to continue struggling to put a sentence together for himself. Instead, Sirius walked across the room, hair covering the most of his face, as if he’d definitely gotten almost uncomfortably close to crying. He stopped beside Remus, in front of Professor McGonagall, and produced a piece of parchment from the pocket of his robes, before sliding what Remus soon recognised to be his mother’s letter across the desk.

They all just stared at it for a moment. The four of them. Even Peter, who quickly approached, standing beside James as they huddled around McGonagall’s desk rather impatiently. Once she was confident that no one else was very much prepared to say a single word, McGonagall reached out and took the letter into her hands, tentatively, at first, as if she still wasn’t entirely convinced that this wasn’t a prank. However, that doubt very quickly came to subside as she scanned her eyes over the letter and the words really began to sink in.

“I…” It was even one of the very few times throughout her life and career that Minerva McGonagall found that she just didn’t have the slightest clue what it was that she should say. She placed the letter back down on her desk, only to glance down at it for a moment, and then up at Sirius, with all the concern in the world, and then back down at the letter again, and then back at Sirius, to finally pull her gaze over to the other three, who generally looked in a far better state to take the liberty of providing her with any kind of explanation than Sirius was.

“What caused this? What’s happening?” Her voice was quick to grow rather insistent, glancing first to Remus, then quickly to James, and then for a moment, at Peter, with evidently less confidence in the possibility that he might speak up, and provide his own take on events, especially in her presence. Still, she gave him a chance.

The odd thing was that none of the three said a word. Or at least, none of them quite got the chance, before the silence was cut in two again, but this time by Sirius’, his voice so confident and almost nonchalant that it hit the situation like red wine spilt across a plain white tablecloth, like a stain that no one could continue to ignore.

“My… father… he killed my uncle. In August. I saw it happen from the hallway. I shouldn’t have seen, he didn’t know I had, but I can’t keep this as a secret any longer. He doesn’t deserve that. It’s not fair. It was in his study, the killing curse. No one said a word. No one even knew, and it was… it was stupid, so  _ stupid _ for me to even think that she might believe me.” He let out a sigh, his voice beginning to crack a little as he reached the end of his sentence, and in turn, he felt as if he had begun to break entirely too, and found himself clinging to Remus almost instinctively, as he tightly wrapped his fingers around his Remus’ wrist.

It was then, for the second time, that Professor McGonagall found that she didn’t know what to say at all. She’d known that Sirius had never had it particularly easy at home, but she’d never quite thought to particularly bother herself with the extent of it - it wasn’t a pleasant thing to think about, after all. Although she found it very quick to conclude that it just was an even  _ less _ pleasant thing to hear about.

She sat for a moment, deep in thought, and watching the four of them, unable to stop herself feeling rather overwhelmed by the whole situation, but finding that she couldn’t begin to imagine, not even for a moment, how this might actually be affecting Sirius. Finally, after what had seemed an awful lot like forever, she opened her mouth to speak.

“Potter, Pettigrew, go back to your dorm-” She stopped and met James with a stern glare the very second he opened his mouth to protest. “Go  _ back _ to your dorm. Now.” She followed them with wide, almost dangerous looking eyes as they begrudgingly made their way to the door. She listened to the door slam behind them, waiting for the sound of footsteps. “That means actually  _ going _ up to Gryffindor tower, instead of waiting outside the door.” She raised her voice to ensure the two heard it from outside, then waited for the sound of quick, almost startled footsteps until she finally turned to face Remus and Sirius.

McGonagall let out a sigh, taking a moment to prepare herself before she got up from her chair. “Well then. Come with me, you two.” She gave the two of them little more than a quick glance, before she lead the way out of her office.

“Where are we going?” Remus spoke up, wondering if that had perhaps been a question he shouldn’t have asked, but found himself curious regardless of that.

“Dumbledore’s office.” She kept her voice low, turning around just for a brief moment, casting her eyes over Remus, and then across to Sirius, passing them what she hoped might have been somewhat reminiscent of an optimistic, perhaps even comforting, smile.

-

Sirius’ wasn’t convinced. Despite how well everyone in the world might mean, Sirius just wasn’t convinced. There was the promise of fixing everything, somehow piecing it all back together - it was a promise he’d heard slip the lips of everyone he’d spoken to over the past week, but still he found little truth in it. He didn’t doubt that those promises had been meant by the people who had spoken them, he just couldn’t put himself into a state of mind where they just might hold the same merit to him. Perhaps he should have been convinced, perhaps he should have believed every word and wrapped himself up in hope and optimism, and did something like his best to put on a brave face for the world, to pretend that he was even half as brave as he should have been, that he was even half the Gryffindor he should have been.

Sometimes he did wonder, how things would have been, if his first day at Hogwarts had taken an entirely different course, if he’d never found James on the train that very first day, if he’d been a different person entirely, in a whole different world, if he’d let himself get sorted into Slytherin, if he’d became the person his parents had wanted him to be. He did wonder how things would have been for him if he could have been that person. He liked to imagine that they might have been better, he liked to imagine that he might have been happy, that everything might have been okay, but recently he’d caught Lucius Malfoy’s gaze across the Great Hall, and had very quickly come to conclude that he just might have ended up an awful lot like him.

Sirius couldn’t bring himself like Malfoy, not even in the slightest; he disliked him on principle, and he held his principles with a high standard. The thing was however, that he couldn’t quite bring himself to hate him either. Not anymore at least. He’d helped. In an odd way, Sirius found that he had, up in Dumbledore’s office when everything slowly came together, and he’d produced a small box from a cabinet and placed it in front of them, then to proceed to tell the story of just how it had come to his possession. In the minutes that followed, Dumbledore’s voice had held a certain kind of confidence, the one that might work to certify the fact that he did actually know what he was doing. In those minutes Sirius had felt hopeful, just for a while, as he’d actually began to believe that it all might have been okay. That they could make sense of it all, fix things, fix everything.

He’d changed his mind. He’d seen the situation for what it was: so much bigger than that, so much bigger than him, so much bigger than the four of them, so much bigger than McGonagall, and even, so much bigger than Professor Dumbledore. It was out of his control, and still he couldn’t quite get it all out of his head, every worry and concern running rampant as he sat around, feeling an awful lot like an outsider amongst his friends. It wasn’t that they were suddenly hesitant to include him, it was just that he found himself doing all he could to exclude himself, to drift away, to put his head up in a reality where this was all okay. Where people didn’t have to pick sides, where Regulus would speak to him again, where crime and justice had any sort of meaning, perhaps even where he’d just never woken up early that one morning in August. Perhaps that would have fixed things. Still, he couldn’t help but doubt it.

Sirius thought he might have been at least excited for classes to finish that Friday afternoon, and that he might have at least been able to share James’ wild, contagious grin as he raced out of Charms the very moment that class was over. He’d just hoped for that one moment of normality, for that one moment of excitement, for that one moment without his head curving in on itself. He liked to imagine that he deserved that at the very least.

Instead, however, he’d found himself watching James and Peter race off down the corridor, practically screeching at one another as they forced their way through crowds of first years in a desperate attempt to be the one to get to Gryffindor tower first. There was a part of him that wanted to join in, not to be following half-heartedly far behind them, content with getting back to their dormitory eventually. A bigger part of him, however, was grateful, so incredibly grateful, for Remus’ presence, and the comforting smile he offered as he’d stood by his side.

Sirius couldn’t deny that he was just impossibly thankful for Remus Lupin, especially as they’d grown closer than ever as of recent, as the impossible had become suddenly rather possible. All in all, Sirius found it rather odd to come to realise that for the first time in what felt an awful lot like forever, his sexuality wasn’t his biggest concern, no longer the biggest weight on his mind. Even though it had of course been replaced by something all the more concerning, he found that it felt good, and it had to be, even in just a weird little way, a sign that things were getting better. They had to be, after all. He struggled to imagine things getting all that much worse from here.

Remus seemed to embody the idea of things getting better. It had been him waiting back at Charms with him, their slow, quiet walk up to Gryffindor tower, as Remus made vaguely amused comments about how much of a prat James was, and Sirius smiled and sometimes nodded. In that moment it was up in their dormitory, with Remus sat up against one of the posts of his bed, long legs stretched out across the mattress, and Sirius settled comfortably between them, his head resting against Remus’ chest. They were calm like that, at peace, the whole world seemingly to slow down for them, and even James and Peter’s game of exploding snap from the other end of the dormitory had seemed to fade out of existence for a little while. Sirius was thankful, alive, and just a little bit in love.

Remus wasn’t particularly content with the silence between the two of them; Sirius could feel it - in every shallow breath, and the constant flickering of his eyes over to his face, coupled with the incessant tapping of his foot against the bed frame. In fact, to be more true to the facts, Remus was growing particularly impatient with it. Sirius couldn’t find it within himself to blame him. In fact, he found that he could relate more than anything else. He wished there could be more than silence. He wished things could be normal again. He wished he had it within himself to at least pretend to be happy.

He didn’t doubt that things would fix themselves in time, as of course, time was the best healer, but he found himself suddenly so impatient as time seemed to span on forever. He dreamed of the new normal, when he might feel himself again. He turned his head to the window, watching dark November skies bursting with rain; it had been a miserable morning, and he knew it would continue to be a miserable afternoon. He could help but wish for an exact date for when everything might just come together. He wondered if things might not be the same until December, or even until Christmas, or the new year, or January. He was confident in the fact that things had to have resolved themselves somewhat by January at the very least. Despite knowing better, he found himself insistently counting on that.

His thoughts were broken apart as the other side of the room erupted into rather passionate yelling; Peter had beaten James at exploding snap, and James, being James, wasn’t taking very well to it. He found that he hadn’t been the only one who’d been disturbed amidst all of this, as he turned slightly, and watched as Remus finally closed the Potions textbook that he’d only been half-heartedly pretending to glance over as he sat there, rubbing absent-minded circles into Sirius’ back and generally worrying too much about everything.

“Could you possibly be any louder?” Remus raised his eyebrows, catching both James’ and Peter’s attention almost immediately; he was using his prefect voice, the responsible, agitated one, that Sirius could never help but laugh at. For once, that Friday did not serve to be an exception, as Sirius broke the air with a lazy burst of laughter, rolling his eyes up to meet Remus’. 

“What?” Remus couldn’t help but let a blush seep onto his cheeks, glancing momentarily back across at James and Peter before he looked back down at Sirius. All three of them shared their surprise at the fact that Sirius had finally spoken up, let alone laughed.

“Nice prefect voice.” Sirius grinned, holding Remus’ gaze for a moment, before he dragged his eyes back to the floor. “Doesn’t half make you sound like a dickhead-”

“ _ Hey _ !” Remus really couldn’t help being just that little bit offended, even though he knew that Sirius only ever meant well.

“He’s right.” Peter looked up, nodding across the room at the two of them, then taking a moment to really notice just how the two were sat, well, with Sirius practically on top of Remus. He’d found that he hadn’t quite noticed that before. Peter took another moment to take in just what was happening with Remus and Sirius across the room, and just what was happening with the two of them in general. He didn’t mind, of course, he didn’t mind, but he just couldn’t quite get used to it, or at least he hadn’t quite yet anyway.

“You were being  _ obnoxiously _ loud.” Remus rolled his eyes, doing his best to speak as ‘normally’ as he could.

“You were being obnoxiously quiet.” Peter shrugged it off, leaning back against the wall as he met Remus’ eyes, and then Sirius’. He watched as Sirius met him with a lazy smile, as if he was slowly warming up to the situation and the idea of talking to people.

“We were.” Sirius agreed, nodding a little and stretching his legs out, before getting to his feet and making his way over to the other side of the room. He sat himself down next to James and the two shared an odd kind of look that Sirius himself couldn’t quite decipher.

“You alright, mate?” James asked him, glancing back across at Remus for a moment, who gave him a reassuring nod as he too made his way over to the other side of the room.

Sirius waited until Remus had sat down beside Peter to answer. “Yeah.” He nodded, holding Remus’ gaze as he spoke. “Just… everything’s… well… fucked, isn’t it?”

James gave a nod, thinking for a moment, as he found that suddenly he didn’t know exactly what to say. “Things are going to get better.” He was certain that it was easily the cheesiest bullshit he’d ever pulled but he’d tried and surely that was what counted.

“When though?” Sirius let out a frustrated sigh, falling back onto James’ bed and staring up at the ceiling. “Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Or not until Christmas? Or not until next  _ year _ ? Or what about  _ never _ -”

“ _ Sirius _ …” James trailed off, sharing a look with Remus as he struggled to find exactly what it was he should say. In the end, Remus cut in for him.

“How about you think about the good things? How about you think about how things have got better?” Remus watched as Sirius slowly sat up again, raising his head to allow their eyes to meet. “I mean, for a start, you don’t ever have to see your parents again, you’re spending Christmas with James. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

Sirius slowly began to nod, glancing across at James and passing him a smile that he hoped was sufficient enough to convey at least a somewhat meaningful thank you.

“And I mean, you and Remus are totally fucking now.” James decided to add his own take on events. Sirius had to admit those weren’t the words he would have used to describe their situation, but all in all, he had to accept that James was on the right lines.

“We’re not  _ fucking _ .” Remus’ cheeks weren’t far off a vibrant shade of crimson as he finally looked up. “Alright?” He glared across at James, only to soften his expression rather suddenly. “ _ Not yet _ .” All four of them burst into a mess of laughter.

“ _ Guys _ .” Peter groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Can you please like never talk about your sex life, I’m sorry but it’s just weird, I don’t want to hear about you fucking… each other… as much as I don’t want to hear about how much James wants to fuck Lily.”

“I don’t want to  _ fuck _ Lily…” James trailed off, doing his best to pull together a sentence where he wasn’t  _ technically _ lying. “I want to  _ make love _ to her.”

“James that’s worse.” Remus shook his head in disbelief, sharing a quick look of disgust with Peter. “You’re disgusting. Literally disgusting.”

“ _ Not yet _ .” James smirked, mimicking Remus’ tone. “I’ve got to get her to go on a date with me first. And that’s exactly where next weekend comes in handy, because she is so going to say yes to me this time, I can actually feel it.”

“Next weekend?” Sirius looked up, finding that he’d really been rather out of the loop recently, but then again, it wasn’t entirely his fault at all.

“Hogsmeade weekend.” Peter explained, having heard James recite his ‘get Lily Evans to fall in love with me’ plan at least a hundred times over in the past few days.

“Oh.” Sirius grinned, looking across at his idiot of a best friend and shaking his head. “So I’ve got James making a prat of himself next weekend to look forward to as well?”

“I will  _ not _ make a prat of myself-” James protested, getting increasingly vocal about it. In fact, he even went as far as to convey a hint that he might have even been slightly offended by all of this.

“We’ll see, we’ll see.” Remus smirked, stretching back across Peter’s bed, not the slightest bit convinced at all.

-

Oddly enough, things seemed to be going awfully well for James in regards to Lily Evans and his forever persistent attempts to get her to fall for him. Perhaps it was down to the fact that he’d stopped being quite so persistent as of late, and let Lily fall for his immeasurable amounts of charm and wit instead. Either that or he’d spiked her pumpkin juice with a love potion at breakfast every day for the past week. Remus, Sirius, and Peter were all very convinced that the latter had to be the more likely of the two.

James had even gone as far as to follow her to the library one afternoon, which was definitely a standard of reaching a new low, although he would definitely argue for its positive values, on the basis that she had gotten him to go to the library in the first place, which was really not so much of a place he found himself frequenting.

Peter, Sirius, and Remus, as the supportive and respectful friends they were had ‘discreetly’ followed James and Lily down to the library, waiting several metres behind them to avoid being seen, and quickly sneaking into the library to hide themselves behind a bookshelf that lay just a few metres away from the table James and Lily had sat down at.

It wasn’t that they were terrible friends, or insanely invasive or anything. Maybe it was slightly like that, but really they liked to think they’d tagged along for emotional support, and more than anything, if something did actually happen, they’d want to see it with their own eyes. They even reckoned James would have wanted them to see it as well, as there wouldn’t have been a single chance in hell that they would have believed it otherwise. 

Again, it wasn't that they deemed their friend entirely romantically inept, he was just far too cocky, and forever keen to make an idiot out of himself, as he dragged on and continued to brag about his own life and accomplishments. Remus reckoned that James just didn’t quite fully seem to grasp the concept that girls weren’t at all that different from boys, personality wise at least, as James seemed to regard talking to girls somewhat like talking to aliens who were dead-set on killing you. Remus had to reckon he had somewhat of an advantage since he was bisexual, and knew very well that hitting on all genders was very much the same.

Remus was the only one who’d sat down behind the bookcase, slowly growing disinterested in James and Lily’s conversation, as it quickly proved to be just as uneventful and disappointing as he’d very much expected it to be. Instead, he found himself flicking through several battered texts on the intricate properties of ancient runes, as both Sirius stood up, peering eagerly through the gaps in the bookcase at Lily and James.

“They’re sat really close.” Peter hissed, glancing down at Remus as the words left his lips, perhaps as if he’d hoped somewhat that it might spark Remus’ attention.

“Mhmm?” Remus nodded, looking back up at Peter, a lazy, vaguely amused smile fixed on his face. “Really?” He inquired, not fully expecting Peter to give him the benefit of a proper response, but despite his expectations, he did.

“They are!” Peter seemed almost unable to control his excitement, and as it seemed, the tone of his voice, which seemed to be very quickly growing out of control. 

Sirius turned to the two and glared, shushing Peter with an insistent kind of look in his eyes. Peter blushed, opening his mouth momentarily as he considered muttering a quick apology in response, but decided better of it and turned back to peer through the bookcase instead.

Remus caught Sirius’ gaze, his smile twisting into a smirk as he came to recognise the genuine excitement in Sirius’ eyes; he couldn’t quite place just what had brought it there in such a great quantity, but he really felt that he was in no place to question it. He found himself rather relieved, and quickly very much overjoyed to see for himself that Sirius was happy, grinning, muffling laughter. Remus didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but it looked an awful lot like he was getting better.

It was as Remus overheard James make a particularly sickly and pathetic comment about Lily’s eyes that he slotted the book he’d been glancing over back in the bookcase and got to his feet, leaning unnecessarily close to Sirius, under the excuse of needing to get a good view of all the ‘action’ they’d come to basically spy on.

Peter flashed his eyes across at the two of them for a moment, groaning at the realisation that he was the only one of his friends who wasn’t grossly in love. He took a little pride in the fact that James was still yet to get anywhere with it at least.

“What?” Sirius finally turned, catching Peter’s gaze in a somewhat standoffish manner; he knew that Peter didn’t think it was wrong or disliked them for it, he was just yet to shake the weirdness of it all, and as much as Sirius really had tried to make himself understand, it just wasn’t something he found himself particularly inclined to appreciate.

“There’s too much PDA in this library.” He groaned, turning his head from Remus and Sirius to James and Lily, who almost seemed to be edging ever closer to one another. He turned back to Sirius and Remus again, unable to decide which of the two were worse.

Remus snorted, unable to gather just how Peter had categorised James and Lily sitting close to one another as ‘PDA’, even if James was being pretty blatant about staring at her tits for half the time. “Like anything’s possibly going to go down between those two.” He shook his head, muffling his laughter. “Don’t be an idiot, Pete.”

Peter blushed red, shaking his head back to face James and Lily. The three watched in what had to be a very creepy silence for a good minute until James did something incredibly brilliant and incredibly stupid. What was indisputably more brilliant about it all, however, was evidently the fact that Lily was yet to pull away, and as time continued to pass, seemed even  _ reluctant _ to pull away from James’ hand that had landed on top of hers, resting almost innocently on the tabletop. From the look on James’ face, Remus was fairly certainly that he had just about died inside and been reincarnated as perhaps someone even vaguely more romantically adept.

“They’re holding hands!” Peter practically squeaked, so excited about the fact that James might actually be getting somewhere in his love life that it was sort of endearing by itself. Perhaps he was just ecstatic at the possibility of being rid James’ mopey lovesick rants, after all, none could blame him for that.

“How much do you bet he’s getting hard over touching her hand?” Sirius cut into what had been a vaguely beautiful and heartwarming moment with something grossly emotionally scarring. Remus simply rolled his eyes, having just about expected it.

“Ew!” Peter recoiled away from the bookcase in horror, losing control of his voice enough to draw attention to the three of them. Lily even looked up and vaguely in their direction, but thankfully she looked back towards James again after just a moment.

Remus groaned, shaking his head at Peter in disbelief. “Shut the fuck up.” He mouthed, before turning back to Sirius, who was definitely smirking through all of this. “You two.” He raised his voice to a whisper, ensuring that he had secured Sirius’ attention.

Sirius rolled his eyes, turning away from the bookcase to face Remus for a moment. “He  _ so _ has though. He’s probably dreamed about this moment like at least a thousand times.”

“No, ten thousand!” Peter interjected, sounding awfully sure of himself; Remus didn’t doubt that he definitely had some first hand experience to base his estimate off.

“Twenty thousand.” Sirius let a grin fall almost blissfully over his lips.

“Thirty!” Peter raised his voice as he grew all the more insistent, suddenly focusing on much more than winning whatever kind of competition he’d set for himself against Sirius, than he was focused on keeping quiet and unnoticed.

Remus groaned, holding his head into his hands as both James and Lily looked up this time, reckoning that they weren’t far off recognising the voice and then coming to understand just what could be going on. This had always been the sort of idea that Remus had know was bad since the moment it had come to life: the sort of idea he’d known he should have put a stop to, and mostly certainly not have just gone along with. 

Still, he found himself there, amidst the mess created by the worst plan known to the world, and really with only the pleading look in Sirius’ eyes when he desperately wanted Remus to agree with him to blame. Perhaps himself too, and how quickly he’d given in. Sirius was astoundingly beautiful though; he had to give himself that in his defence at the very least.

“Shut up.” Remus mouthed at the two of them, glaring at them both individually this time, hoping that James and Lily would just turn back to one another, and that maybe he could even convince Sirius and Peter that it might actually have been a better idea just to leave.

“Forty.” Sirius whispered, really pushing it as he glanced across at Peter, a smirk set firmly over his lips. In that moment, Remus really thought he could hate him, but still, he wasn’t at all prepared for Peter’s response.

“Fifty- no fuck that. One hundred. One hundred  _ thousand _ times.” He raised his voice, definitely earning so much as a momentary awkward glance from James. But neither him nor Lily pressed any concern; idiotically, Peter and Sirius took that as the all clear.

“Two hundred thousand times.” Sirius’ response was instant, turning to Peter with a challenging look laid across his face. “I  _ reckon _ James Potter has dreamed of Lily Evans’ hand touching his  _ two hundred thousand _ times.” He stretched back, annunciating every word clearly and precisely like the fucking idiot he was.

Remus really could have slapped him. He could have slapped either of them. He could have slapped the both of them. At once. Several times. He could have slapped the both of them  _ two hundred thousand _ times, even. The reality was however, that he stood in shock, frozen, stunned into silence as Peter inevitably rose up to Peter’s challenge and began to clear his throat. Remus stood there awaiting the sweet embrace of death.

“Three hundred thousand times.” Peter corrected Sirius, his voice louder than ever before. There had never been any doubt in Remus’ mind that this could only have the worst consequences; he began to wonder if Sirius had known that too. He came to conclude that Sirius probably had, and that just to add to the mess, terrible consequences were likely exactly what Sirius could possibly be looking to achieve in all of this.

“Three hundred?” Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Nah, don’t believe you mate.” There was no doubt about the fact that this frustrated Peter and that it was the exact reason Sirius had elected to say it. By this point, Remus had just expected that there was nothing left for him to do other than watch everything crumble into a mess all around him.

“I  _ know _ that James Potter has dreamed of touching Lily Evans’ hand  _ three hundred thousand times _ .” Peter finished, far too proud of himself, especially considering that from the look on James and Lily’s faces, they’d definitely heard him. Sirius burst into a rather unflattering snort of laughter.

“Sirius, you dickhead.” Remus’ face was a firm shade of vermilion as he reached out and slapped Sirius’ arm lightly. “For fuck’s sake.” He groaned, leaning back against the bookcase, no longer concerned with keeping his voice hushed and unheard: there seemed to be very little point to it anymore.

“It was Peter that said it.” Sirius shrugged, pulling the blame onto Peter like he was an angry toddler in the middle of a tantrum.

“You made me!” Peter exclaimed, voice growing louder in his defence. It was then that Remus was left to watch in horror as Lily and James got up, making their way around the bookcase to catch sight of a squabbling Sirius and Peter.

“What the fuck is going on?” Lily’s face contorted into one of disgust as she looked over at Sirius and Peter, then turning her head back over to James, as if she expected him to have all the answers. “What kind of sick joke is it this time, Potter?” She shook her head in disbelief.

“It’s not! I don’t know what’s-” James protested, but quickly found himself left there to stand disheartened and hard done by with Remus as he watched Lily make a swift exit through the library doors.

“Fuck. Sorry.” Peter blushed, glancing across at James hopefully. To his credit, he’d never actually intended for things to go the way they had.

“Well there goes all chance of her going to Hogsmeade this weekend with me, doesn’t it?” James let out a sigh, slumping to the floor, knees bent up right as he buried his face in his hands. He could see that the obvious solution in all of this was to blame Sirius and Peter, and as agitated as he was, he just couldn’t see how that would fix anything.

“Not the end of the world, mate.” Remus reassured him, doing the best he could in their current situation. “What about next Hogsmeade? I bet she’ll give you a chance then.”

“You’ll think she’ll have started talking to me again by then?” James raised his head, hesitant to believe a single word Remus was saying, but in all honesty, he found that he did just like to believe.

“Course she will!” Sirius exclaimed, quickly coming to realise that perhaps pratting around for his own amusement had perhaps not been the best course of action.

“She likes you really. Deep down. Just not when you’re being a dickhead, or when your  _ friends _ are being dickheads.” Remus turned to scowl across at Sirius and Peter. “There’s always going to be another Hogsmeade, you’ll get there eventually, mate.”

-

Somehow, against all odds, against everything the universe had seemed to have set in stone, Remus ended up being right. It wasn’t until the warm spring weather had set firmly in place, the world had began to brighten up again, and the middle of April, until it happened though.

James had pretty much died. It was to be expected though really, and Peter considered, even if only just for a moment, whether Lily had actually just said yes on the basis of the inevitable comedic value of James’ response. As much as he didn’t think that was much of Lily's style, he really found that he wouldn’t blame her if she did.

The three boys had hoped for just a minute that Lily accepting James request to go to Hogsmeade with her might have actually blessed them with a little long needed peace and quiet, which had definitely been something they’d been missing as James seemed only less and less likely to stop moping about how Lily had rejected him as time went on. Their hopes soon faded away, perhaps the very moment that they made it up to their dormitory and watched James up onto his bed and scream at the three of them in excitement.

Remus quickly gave up all hope and had made a quick exit back down to the common room, certain that he’d find much more peace and quiet there, even though the Gryffindor common room had become somewhat notorious for being unreasonably loud compared to the common rooms of the other houses. Although Remus was fairly certain that had a lot to do with the after party James had held in March after Gryffindor had beaten Slytherin. 

James liked to think that him catching the snitch and securing a victory for Gryffindor had a lot to do with Lily saying ‘yes’ to him. Sirius was yet to point out that Lily really didn’t care about quidditch, in the hopes that Lily Evan’s affection alone might motivate him to play well enough to ensure Gryffindor won the house cup.

Sirius had felt a little bad about abandoning James with a rather uncertain looking Peter, and following Remus down to the common room, but staying practically attached to Remus at the hip had become somewhat second nature to him. Anyway, it wasn’t like he’d specifically forbade Peter from coming down and running away from James too, it was just that he knew it was highly unlikely, as Peter had grown far too tired with the rather generous amount of affection Sirius and Remus had gotten comfortably with showing towards one another in semi-public places. It wasn’t that they were making too much of a show out of it or that they were doing it to spite Peter on purpose, okay, well… grossing Peter out was kind of really amusing, but they definitely weren’t doing it to be at all malicious.

Peter had found himself a little stumbled as to just what was going to happen on Hogsmeade weekend now that James was technically going on a date with Lily, and Sirius and Remus weren’t far off planning their wedding. It either came down to decide which two would be the least uncomfortable to third wheel, or finding himself something that might have vaguely resembled a date for himself.

He’d expressed his concerns to James one night in the dormitory, as they sat there, sharing a box of every flavour beans, and kind of regretting it. James hadn’t said all that much of it, assuring Peter that he’d be fine, and that he could definitely tag along with him as long as he didn’t ruin his date. Peter had been evidently displeased with the concept, yet still, James seemed awfully hesitant to do very much about it.

Remus cornered Mary Macdonald on the way to breakfast the very next morning and asked him if she’d want to go to Hogsmeade with Peter. He’d definitely done quite the job of overselling Peter’s, admittedly, few somewhat attractive assets, and had then gone on to explain how much of a good friend he was instead, as that was kind of the biggest thing Peter had going for him. In the end, somehow she’d agreed. Remus didn’t stop to wonder if it was because she’d felt pressured or simply just sorry for him, and instead thanked her and rejoined his friends.

Peter couldn’t quite believe it, although James and Sirius definitely seemed all the more shocked by the concept of Peter actually getting a date. Then, of course, James proceed to be utterly horrified by the fact that it had taken him one attempt and he’d asked Lily out what must have been hundreds of times until she’d agreed. Remus had wanted to defend Peter a little, but if he was being truthful with himself, he had to admit that he was just as surprised as his friends were.

In executing his ‘save Peter from feeling awkward in Hogsmeade’ plan, Remus had overlooked one key flaw, which was of course the fact that Peter absolutely refused to shut up about Mary for the next few days. It was with James and Peter’s combined lovestruck gloating that Sirius and Remus had definitely had enough, and ended up spending both Thursday and Friday afternoon down in the grounds by the lake, definitely  _ not _ hiding from their friends, definitely not at all.

-

“So, Potter…” Lily Evans curled her lips up into a smile as they sat down at a booth in the corner of the Three Broomsticks. Admittedly, she wasn’t entirely sure what it was that had finally swayed her to let all her precognitions, and well, common sense, go and just give James Potter a proper chance, but she found that oddly enough, once they were alone together in Hogsmeade, she wasn’t having all that much of a bad time.

“So, Evans?” James mimicked both her tone and her smile before sipping at his butterbeer and leaning back in the booth, stretching his legs out across the floor and his arms above his head; he was awfully tempted to stretch one of his arms over Lily’s shoulders, but he decided that he wasn’t going to be quite that stupid yet. He hadn’t even had a whole drink yet, after all.

“Did you expect this?” She began, almost just thinking aloud as she leaned forward and took a sip of her own drunk. James watched her silently for a moment, and an expression of confusion washing over his face.

“This?” James raised his eyebrows, looking around with confusion, hoping to quickly spot what Lily might have been referring to, but instead found nothing much of particular concern amidst the darkened interior of the pub.

“Me finally saying yes.” She supplied, stretching back in her seat and watching as James’ cheeks flushed a particularly amusing shade of bright red. “I mean, if you didn’t, you were… pretty persistent with it otherwise.”

“I’m sorry.” James let out a sigh; he wasn’t much for apologising, but everything seemed to change when it came to Lily Evans - he wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but he just didn’t see what he could do about it either way. “I was pushy and I thought like you had some sort of obligation to date me sometimes.”

“Yeah…” Lily trailed off, thinking for a moment and coming to recall her particularly unpleasant encounters with James’ evidently unstoppable affection for her. “Did you never once give up, you know? Like accept that it really just didn't seem like it was going to happen and try to move on?”

“No.” James admitted, laughing a little at how stupid it suddenly began to seem as he admitted it aloud. “Not really. I did sometimes but it never stuck. Like after you’d rejected me pretty badly I’d get all moody and say I’d given up, but it’d only take a few days until I came back round. Kind of pathetic that, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Lily agreed. She wondered if perhaps she should have found another way to look at things, but she was firm in her belief that she’d already gone far too soft on James Potter as it was. “I mean, I eventually gave in and agreed, so that’s kind of pathetic of me.”

James laughed, not entirely sure if he was supposed to. He found that in general he wasn’t entirely sure how he was supposed to behave at all, despite Remus’ extensive talk about talking to girls like they were just your friends and not dragons, or something. James reckoned that had all sounded a whole lot easier in words than it was in practice.

“I mean…” Lily continued, giving into fill the silence as she came to notice the distant look appearing upon James’ face. “I am actually surprised.” She held James’ gaze for a moment as he looked up to meet hers. “I’m having a pretty nice time. I kind of expected the moment I said yes to you that you’d take that as an invitation to try and shag me in the corner of this pub or something-”

James’ face grew redder than it ever had been before. “I wouldn’t. Honestly, I-... I’m still just stunned that you did, I wouldn’t have the confidence to do that.” Lily laughed, looking at him for a moment and quickly come to find that despite what she’d expected, he wasn’t joking.

“Really?” Lily inquired, narrowing her eyes at him. “I thought you were practically made of confidence, I mean, when have you not just been absolutely madly infatuated with the idea of yourself?”

James snorted; Lily’s words were a little on the brutal side, but the fact was that she was being honest and James had to respect that as it was. “There’s a difference between arrogance and confidence, you know? You make me really nervous, Lily Evans, I hope you know that.”

Lily grinned, finding that oddly enough, she was something like warming up to James Potter. “Well just imagine the day that I make you modest.” Her grin fell into a bubbly confident laugh that James found himself utterly in awe with.

He shrugged, doing his best to imagine a situation in that might occur. “Maybe one day. I don’t know, Evans, maybe you’d have to stick around to find that one out?” He did his best to bite back the smirk growing rapidly upon his face, but he was just so very well aware of the fact that Lily had already noticed it. Oddly enough, however, she didn’t particularly seem to mind all so much.

“That’s quite a pay off, optionally spending time with James Potter in the hope that one day he might be modest.” Lily broke into a smile; it was something she too tried to hide, but James caught it the very instant it seeped onto her face. “I mean, I’d be doing the whole world a favour wouldn’t I?”

James shrugged, not sure that he was in the best position to place any kind of judgement upon that. “Do you think it’s worth it?” He asked, his voice growing quieter all of a sudden.

Lily paused for a moment, coming to realise the true nature of the question hidden beneath what James had presented her with. “Yeah.” She began to blush, and found that the best way to hide it was simply to lean into James’ side, which was just something that neither of them had really been expecting.

“Yeah?” James’ words came out in a breathy release as he suddenly found himself entirely unprepared to deal with their current situation. Instead he just looked at Lily, he held her gaze, even as she lay her head against his chest, and suddenly everything felt just a little bit calmer.

“Yeah.” Lily nodded, her voice softer this time around, little more than a muffle, inaudible from any more than half a metre away. “I do.”

-

“Everything looks so beautiful in the spring. You kind of forget how things were over winter, how things were before everything got cold and everything went wrong, and you get lost in that, I think. Then when spring comes around you remember how warm and bright and hopeful the world can be.” 

“Mmm?” Sirius glanced across at Remus, as the two of them sat down at foot of a tree in the outskirts of Hogsmeade. He found that he wasn’t nearly as gifted with words as Remus was, and found had he so very little in the way of a response, in the way of a single idea of what it was that he should say.

“Yeah.” Remus’ voice grew quieter and instead they chose to fill the air with the interlacing of their fingers, to keep the words up in their heads just for a while. The world could wait for them, the world could wait for the day to end, the world could wait until they wanted it to. 

“I think you look beautiful. Not just in spring. All year round.” Sirius smiled, breaking the silence once a few minutes had come to pass. Remus shared his smile, finding that he immediately wasn’t quite sure what to say. Instead, they sat there together, the world feeling a little ethereal: far too bright and far too welcoming, perhaps even unreal.

“I think you’re such a sop.” Remus laughed, rolling his eyes across at Sirius, before turning his gaze back across to the village, catching sight of the Three Broomsticks a little way away from them. “Do you think Lily and James are doing alright?”

Sirius sat up a little more, taking a moment to think. “Well… I mean… she’s not ran out screaming and crying, and he’s not come running out a black eye so things must be going alright so far.”

“Not yet.” Remus clarified, his lips breaking into a smile. “That all could still happen, I mean. It’s a bit… unbelievable, isn’t it? She agreed to go on a date with him.”

“She was always going to give in eventually.” Sirius shrugged it off, as if that had been something he’d known so well all along. Remus knew very well that it wasn’t. “I mean, James isn’t that bad when you think about it, he just doesn’t know when to stop. So if you word that nicely, he’s determined, which is a good thing-”

“Really?” Remus raised his eyebrows, unsure what Sirius’ aim was with this. “He was a dickhead to her for years, and there was no saying that she ever would forgive him, so-”

“She always liked him, just a little, deep down.” Sirius smirked, meeting Remus with a knowing look: one that Remus reckoned he had no idea what he was doing with. “He sensed that, I think, that’s why he didn’t give up.”

“Nah, he didn’t give up because he’s an arrogant dickhead.” Remus corrected Sirius, shaking his head. “Come on, face it. We both know it’s true, and we both know it’s a miracle that they’re actually on a date right now.”

“I guess it kind of is.” Sirius admitted, letting out a sigh. “Not quite as much of a miracle as Mary and Peter though. No one saw that one coming.”

“That wasn’t a miracle, that was me knowing how to be nice and talk to girls.” Remus rolled his eyes, coming to recall that pathetic kind of desperate conversation he’d had with Mary Macdonald.

“I think you’re a miracle, really.” Sirius smiled across at him, before following Remus’ gaze out to watch the students bustling around the village. The world seemed so bright and alive in that moment, so much more than it had ever seemed before, and Remus couldn’t fit the odd sensation building in the pit of his stomach as he began to take in the crowd as not just a loud mess but as individual students themselves.

Sirius turned and watched Remus, a look nothing short of pure admiration held in his eyes as Remus turned to face the crowds, picking out individual people, searching for people he vaguely knew, people he despised, people he’d once loved, people who had once broken him in two, but people who he didn’t give so much power over him anymore.

Before Sirius, however, lay just a sea of faces, some familiar, some less so, but he found that it meant very little at all. He glimpsed sight of a tall boy in his Charms class, a perpetually angry looking girl from his Potions class, and then finally two people he could put as much as a name to: Narcissa and Marlene, sharing a smile as they left one of the smaller shops towards the outskirts of town. Sirius couldn’t help but feel as if there was much more hidden behind that smile that it seemed, but it wasn’t his business and it wasn’t his place to pry. 

After all, if there was anything he’d learned since the summer, it was that some business really was left better off belonging to somebody else. Momentarily, he found his head dragging him back there, to that one night in August, to the moment everything had went wrong, and then-  _ then _ Remus’ hand was curled tightly around his wrist as his jaw dropped in disbelief.

“Sirius, fuck-  _ look _ !” He pointed outwards the crowd, leaving Sirius to awkwardly search the crowd in hope of finding just what Remus might have been referring to. “She  _ kissed _ him.” Remus’ jaw dropped to such an extent that it would hardly be surprising if it flat out fell from his face.

Sirius’ eyes widened in disbelief, unable to quite believe it at all, but sure enough, a way off in the distance, stood Lily Evans and James Potter, and just for one moment there, she’d stretched upwards and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

“Fuck, Sirius, I actually- oh my- I actually think he’s going to pass out-”

Sirius burst into a fit of laughter, unable to believe his eyes. “What a fucking dickhead. This is unbelievable.”

Remus grinned, turning to face him. “You know what? It really is.”

“You’re unbelievable, Remus Lupin.” Sirius couldn’t quite help himself before the words had slipped his lips.

Remus groaned, rolling his eyes; he’d had for too much of sickly romantics for one day, thank you very much. “Alright calm down, I don’t want you fainting on me as well.”

Truthfully though, Remus really wouldn’t have minded. The thing was that the two of them had just really never been happier, and the world had just never seemed quite this bright.

-


End file.
